Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

My mother needs a new appliance

29 replies

Mynameisspiral · 01/09/2024 13:50

My mothers tumble dryer broke down. I will have to replace this promotly or she will continue to use it anyways. The drum is not spinning and there's a smell that's not too great. My mother is in her early 70s and for the past 2-3 years there has been a load of 'what in the holy name of fucking hell is this' kind of moments.

I reckon she has dementia but it's not presenting typically with forgetfulness but it's behavioural and mood and waning comprehension and poor spacial awareness. I chatted to her and our GP because we attend the same practice but I got nowhere regarding a diagnosis. It seems as if even GPs want a typical textbook style of forgetfulness to even consider dementia or a referral to the hospital.

Anyways my mother knows the tumble dryer is out of action but she will continue to use it anyways.

I will have e to replace this promptly or it's going to be a fire hazard. I'm going away next week and I don't feel comfortable going away when the tumble dryer is like that.

I was browsing online for tumble dryers. My mother wants to maintain control of it. I found a tumble dryer from an electrical shop in the city but that was the first option. I found another tumble dryer in another shop that is much closer. It's also less expensive and it has a cheaper delivery cost and also because we live close by delivery will be quicker. Basically this second option is 340 pounds and I can get it by Tuesday. However my mother is being stubborn and she wants to buy the one in the city and altogether it's going to be 420 pounds. But she doesn't have a bank account and it will be my card that will be charged. I have the money in my account however the cheaper alternative will be better for me. My mother thinks it's just like you order it online and pay cash at the door and it's not like that.

How will I be able to manage this and get her to see sense and get the cheaper alternative that's close to home. I don't have a car so I can't drive her.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 01/09/2024 15:30

Remove the plug from the broken one so she can't use it.

Gives you more time to find a replacement, or find an alternative to using a tumble dryer.

username44416 · 01/09/2024 15:32

Just pay for the cheaper one, how will she know? It's coming out of your account. Remove the fuse from the broken tumble dryer.

TammyJones · 01/09/2024 15:35

Seeingadistance · 01/09/2024 15:30

Remove the plug from the broken one so she can't use it.

Gives you more time to find a replacement, or find an alternative to using a tumble dryer.

Exactly what I was going to suggest/ cut the plug.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 01/09/2024 15:42

I agree with cutting the plug. If there's a 'not great' smell a fire is almost certainly imminent.

What is the difference between the dryers and what is her reason for wanting the expensive one? And you say the money will come from your account but does that mean you're paying for it or will she reimburse you? If she's paying and there is a measurable difference between models, rather than just something like same dryer but a preferred shop, then you can't simply override her.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 01/09/2024 15:42

Get the cheaper, more convenient one and just don't mention that it's not the one that she prefers, change the subject if it comes up. Don't get bogged down in trying to explain or justify. Once it's installed she'll use it.

HyggeTygge · 01/09/2024 15:48

Agree re others.
With her not having a bank account, is this going to be a problem in future? Does she have anyone signed up to look after her finances if she becomes unable to? I wouldn't wait until it's too late to look into this (I'm not an expert).

Original poster
Mynameisspiral · 01/09/2024 15:55

NoBinturongsHereMate · 01/09/2024 15:42

I agree with cutting the plug. If there's a 'not great' smell a fire is almost certainly imminent.

What is the difference between the dryers and what is her reason for wanting the expensive one? And you say the money will come from your account but does that mean you're paying for it or will she reimburse you? If she's paying and there is a measurable difference between models, rather than just something like same dryer but a preferred shop, then you can't simply override her.

She said she will pay me back. I live with her and she wants me to pay for halves. But I am getting no say in any of this. She wants the one that will be 420 whichever will see me paying out all of that and then she pays me 210 back. The other one is 330 or 340 and it's just more reasonable in costs.

Her reason for wanting the more expensive one is shopping from a shop that she knows better.

The difference between the two tumble dryers from the different shops is brand names. One is Hotpoint and likely more known. The other name is Candy.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 01/09/2024 15:56

I'd agree about removing the plug in the short term... except will she then try and book a repairman and expect you to pay?? It doesn't sound like she will be able to organise that though.

Could you write to her GP? Gives you more time to write what you're worried about. Sounds like more of a frontal lobe type dementia.

Original poster
Mynameisspiral · 01/09/2024 15:57

HyggeTygge · 01/09/2024 15:48

Agree re others.
With her not having a bank account, is this going to be a problem in future? Does she have anyone signed up to look after her finances if she becomes unable to? I wouldn't wait until it's too late to look into this (I'm not an expert).

She has nothing organised about any of this. If she becomes unwell or about any of her finances.

I know what POA is EPOA but she's apathetic about anything legal. She doesn't care. She just doesn't think that anything will happen and she writes me off. It's not only about finances. There's other things too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mynameisspiral · 01/09/2024 15:58

PermanentTemporary · 01/09/2024 15:56

I'd agree about removing the plug in the short term... except will she then try and book a repairman and expect you to pay?? It doesn't sound like she will be able to organise that though.

Could you write to her GP? Gives you more time to write what you're worried about. Sounds like more of a frontal lobe type dementia.

Yes, I am going to have to take pen to paper and write to the GP.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 01/09/2024 15:59

Sorry to plonk this on you, but if this sounds anything like her it gives you the words to talk to her GP?
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/frontotemporal-dementia/symptoms/

rwalker · 01/09/2024 16:00

Sounds like the belts gone on the original one
so the drum and the fan don’t turn
the smell will be coming from the element heating up but not having air force over it by the fan

i did mine the belt was £7 online but it’s not an easy task you have to take the cabinet casing off
but it’s not a massive job for someone who repairs them

NoBinturongsHereMate · 01/09/2024 16:05

OK -if you're paying equally, then you get equal say. If you're paying half and doing the organising, you get casting vote. Get the cheap one.

Original poster
Mynameisspiral · 01/09/2024 16:06

rwalker · 01/09/2024 16:00

Sounds like the belts gone on the original one
so the drum and the fan don’t turn
the smell will be coming from the element heating up but not having air force over it by the fan

i did mine the belt was £7 online but it’s not an easy task you have to take the cabinet casing off
but it’s not a massive job for someone who repairs them

The machine has been failing for a long time to be honest. It was making a loud noise for a long time. Not this. It wouldn't be worth repairing.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 01/09/2024 18:36

Buy the cheaper one if it has good reviews.

Tell her it costs far less to run than the more expensive one.

Take the plug off the old one.

RandomMess · 01/09/2024 18:39

Tell her you can't afford the more expensive one that your budget is £x.

I agree take the plug off.

I would also tell her that if legal stuff is no big deal the POA for finances and health needs sorting now.

EmotionalBlackmail · 02/09/2024 09:16

Get the cheaper one, you're paying for half of it!

Tell her the company offered to take away and recycle the old one, otherwise what was she going to do with it.

Don't tell her all the companies have to offer to recycle the old appliance!

MichaelandKirk · 02/09/2024 09:31

You know you are right about cost etc however your Mum is clearly unwell or has dementia. Without a bank account (!!) how has she been managing. What is her income stream? This sounds like it will only get worse and worse as the months/years go on.

Can you move out or is there a backstory. Sorry to pry.

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/09/2024 09:44

If she's paying and there is a measurable difference between models, rather than just something like same dryer but a preferred shop, then you can't simply override her. This. Even if she has dementia, you have to go by her decision where she can understand the decision (even if you consider she has made a bad decision) and her best interests where she can no longer understand the decision.

But I see you are paying half. In that case fine to say flatly you can barely afford £170 and you certainly can’t afford £210.

Original poster
Mynameisspiral · 02/09/2024 12:33

The cheaper option for dryer is 320 in a local shop with a 10 pound local delivery charge. I dressed it up to my mother that I emailed the shop and they will take away the old appliance and I told her that delivery is free.

She was interested in it for a few moments and then she swung back to the other shop in the city and just flat out refuses to deal with the local shop - not dealing with them and FULL STOP from her.

So she wants me to pay for half but I get no say in any of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mynameisspiral · 02/09/2024 12:35

The local shop can deliver tomorrow as well. I don't know what's to like. We are looking for a vented dryer and she wants the shop or delivery to install it too but noone is going to install a dryer. She's just being impossible. There nothing to installing it. I could check online on you tube about the vented hose and that should be it but she just doesn't trust me because I'm a woman.

OP posts:
CallMeFlo · 02/09/2024 12:42

I'd say if she's paying let her crack on and order the one she wants

If youre paying half and doing the ordering, get the cheaper one. By the time she realises it'll be too late

Howdull · 02/09/2024 12:45

NoBinturongsHereMate · 01/09/2024 16:05

OK -if you're paying equally, then you get equal say. If you're paying half and doing the organising, you get casting vote. Get the cheap one.

This.

PointyHairyLegHairs · 02/09/2024 12:49

Cut the plug off, put the damn thing outside so the local metal collector takes it, then tell her to crack on with ordering without your bank details.
Go on hilday, have a nice time.

Seeingadistance · 02/09/2024 13:13

PointyHairyLegHairs · 02/09/2024 12:49

Cut the plug off, put the damn thing outside so the local metal collector takes it, then tell her to crack on with ordering without your bank details.
Go on hilday, have a nice time.

This.

OP, do you keep posting on this forum about your mother but under different user names? Apart from the specifics of the tumble dryer, this all sounds very familiar.

If it is you - then just arrange to move out. Sharing a home with your mother is no good for you. Keep an eye on her from a distance, put your concerns in writing to GP and Social Work, and go.