Please help me to be kinder…

[FeralNun]

…or come to terms with the fact that I just can’t be!

My mother is elderly and in very poor health, but luckily doesn’t have dementia. She is in sheltered housing, with good support and family members (not me) nearby. We haven’t had a close relationship, ever, but I have come to some acceptance about that and realise that she is now an old lady who needs kindness no matter the history.

Until fairly recently, we had regular rather jolly phone calls - she’s still pretty sharp and has plenty of opinions! But the increasing deafness has put paid to that.

She utterly refuses to wear her hearing aids and won’t accept that she can’t hear. She just ‘busks’ the conversation, filling in with whatever she imagined I might have said. That’s ok I suppose, until it actually matters.

Today I found myself bawling at the top of my voice about a recent very tragic death and it felt absolutely TERRIBLE. We’ve had some terrible bereavements lately and I’m afraid I was very upset and cross. She responded that she can’t help it, but she bloody well can - just wear the aids!

Any thoughts or advice on how to maintain my sanity?

Yes NHS trusts do choose from a few different available models/brands but they’re all mid-high end, sometimes they are the same as the private ones but manufacturers just give them a different name for the nhs supply chain.

The difference is usually in programming, there are many aspects of sound processing that we can alter, in most cases they can be adjusted to get a better compromise between making sounds audible and making sound comfortable, with the caveat that depending on the shape of the hearing loss more or less perseverance will be needed to get used to them. If something’s not right people can ask to go back for a fine tune. But for a few people their hearing loss is more to do with sound processing so aids help less, or they have a lot of hearing loss and there’s a limit to how much aids can help.

I say this every time there’s a post about “grrr, they won’t use hearing aids” by people who think that hearing aids solve the problem, in the same way that glasses can give you perfect vision.

I have severe hearing loss and have used hearing aids for years. They do NOT correct your hearing or solve the problem. They help to an extent, but with my hearing aids I still can’t hear people on the phone. I have all sorts of techy things that help, but nothing can make a phone call accessible to me.

The only thing that works for me is a video call with captions that I can read, so Teams works very well for me for work calls. Even with WhatsApp video calls, with my hearing aids connected to the phone, I can’t hear most of what people are saying. So most of my “social calls” with family are just ordinary WhatsApp text messages.

I first got hearing aids when I was in my 20s and that was hard enough. It’s very hard indeed for an elderly person to get used to them.

So please don’t think that hearing aids are the solution for an elderly person who is losing their hearing. And please understand that hearing loss is a terrible thing to experience, it deprives you of things you enjoy and cuts you off from communication with others and from opportunities, and to add insult to injury people get annoyed with you. I can assure you that the irritation you feel is nothing compared to the misery of hearing loss.

I take your point, but equally there are many elderly people who give up at the first hurdle with hearing aids, are persuaded to try again and are glad they did. Two of them are in my own family.

Thank you for this perspective. I think I’d find it easier to accept if she would at least try! But I’m going to take this on board,

If these are NHS aids or even privately bought - go back to the audiologist and explain what is causing you difficulty. Your hearing aids can be adjusted to take account of your needs and it may take more than one visit back to get the set up right for you.
The fact that you can hear all frequencies suggests you have an analogue hearing aid and not digital.

I think you meant to reply to @Icarus40 not me. I'm having no problems with aids.

Oh I'm so sorry OP you've taken me right back to my mum. She passed away two months ago, but OMG her hearing problems drove me and her absolutely insane.
It totally spoiled her life, we couldn't have a conversation at all. I had to shout three or four words straight to her, then repeat them three times ! It was exhausting.
I paid for someone privately to remove her ear wax, it didn't help. I made an appointment for her to go to specsavers, we were going to pay for a private hearing aids but each time it got near to the appointment she was ill. Unfortunately she passed away 10 days before we managed to get there.
I really feel for you. Sorry not much help but I do sympathise. Good luck.

So sorry, @Orangesandoranges

Sounds like you just couldn’t have done more!

My dad is extremely deaf and he has 2 hearing aids . He does wear them most of the time but I don't think they do much good as he'll say something completely out of context or for example I'll say it's meant to be sunny tomorrow he'll maybe say 10 mins after I've said it oh it's meant to be sunny tomorrow!
I had to break the bad news to him that my brother had died suddenly, my brother lived abroad . And I literally had to roar it to him as he could't hear what I was saying, it was bloody traumatic and I felt like shit for shouting at him

I am sure I have an aunt that has an app or something on her mobile to make her hear better. It might just be a special mobile phone. She doesn’t live nearby but always asks us to call her on her mobile because of this. She has worn hearing aids for decades.
We had a very elderly relative in a nursing home who was deaf and I bought a device that we spoke into and she had headphones. I also tried rolling up a piece of paper into a cone. The funny thing was that the sister of the nursing home had a very deep voice and the relative always understood her.

That’s terrible, @typicaltuesdaynight I’m so sorry. That’s kind of how I felt.
My beloved dog died on Monday, (I know it’s not remotely the same, but I am distraught) and I won’t be telling Mum.

Useful thread and my mum has similar problems with hearing aids. She lip reads so it's much easier talking to her in person.

It's ok to be decent, and kind, while inwardly feeling frustration. And as pp said, lower you expectations about the conversations you can have. I know it's really hard and the guilt can eat away at you. This is where doing your best, then taking time for yourself is very handy. It can feel patronising though, can't it? This is what I struggle with. Like mum is a tick box exercise.

I try to do things for mum that show I care, like a letter, or flowers, or sending photos. Mine can still use WhatsApp so that is helpful.

I'm really sorry about your dog 💐

Thank you, @Duckfoot123 That’s really kind. You clearly understand.