Please help me to be kinder…

[FeralNun]

…or come to terms with the fact that I just can’t be!

My mother is elderly and in very poor health, but luckily doesn’t have dementia. She is in sheltered housing, with good support and family members (not me) nearby. We haven’t had a close relationship, ever, but I have come to some acceptance about that and realise that she is now an old lady who needs kindness no matter the history.

Until fairly recently, we had regular rather jolly phone calls - she’s still pretty sharp and has plenty of opinions! But the increasing deafness has put paid to that.

She utterly refuses to wear her hearing aids and won’t accept that she can’t hear. She just ‘busks’ the conversation, filling in with whatever she imagined I might have said. That’s ok I suppose, until it actually matters.

Today I found myself bawling at the top of my voice about a recent very tragic death and it felt absolutely TERRIBLE. We’ve had some terrible bereavements lately and I’m afraid I was very upset and cross. She responded that she can’t help it, but she bloody well can - just wear the aids!

Any thoughts or advice on how to maintain my sanity?

Why won’t she wear her hearing aids? How long has she had them and has she ever worn them?

Presumably she’s had a hearing test at some point and been given aids due to a hearing loss. So she has some awareness that she has a hearing loss. Do you remind her of this?

i guess at this stage you either put some time and effort into getting her to another hearing test, or to start wearing the aids she already has or you accept that this is likely how communication is going to be from now on, and you adjust your expectations accordingly.

she is now an old lady who needs kindness no matter the history.
Really? If you - for whatever reason- have a poor relationship with her, it’s going to be quite stressful to pretend otherwise just because she is now old. It’s not clear in your post what your expectations of your mother (and your phone calls with her) are. Is she someone you want to talk things through with? Are you looking for compassion and support - which she can’t give when she doesn’t know what you’re talking about? Or are they ‘duty’ calls - which you could make shorter, less frequent and avoid discussing anything sensitive?

My mum will wear 1 hearing aid, but not 2. She says she hates the feeling if being 'shut in' by them.

Nothing helpful to add, sorry.

You need to figure out why she won’t wear the hearing aids. They might not be working properly. All the kindness in the world won’t enable a proper phone conversation if she can’t hear you.
Been there with both mother and MIL. You need to be like a broken record asking her if she has got them in. If not call her again in 20 minutes when she has.

I’ve found that I have to restrict what I say to my DM. Certain things we talk about will make a response that I do t like, or don’t agree with, so I just don’t go there any more. I try and think of easy things to chat about while I’m there,

Ive had a difficult history with my mum and I find it hard to be kind and gentle. I feel guilty and angry at the same time. Awful

Dont have any advice OP but I understand

Aunt is exactly the same conversations over the phone are really difficult. There are phones that are for the hard of hearing.

What sort of hearing loss does she have?

I'm mid-40s and have genetic mid-range hearing loss. So I can hear high and low pitched noises very clearly, but mid-range sounds (human voices, annoyingly) are very muffled. I have hearing aids. I hardly ever wear them. I was so excited to get them but they don't help very much as they amplify all sounds. So when I wear them I can hear all the high and low pitched noises REALLY LOUDLY and still struggle to hear what people are saying (unless I am in a quiet room with no background noise). Hearing aids aren't a magic solution for everyone. They can also be fiddly to put in and uncomfortable to wear after a while when you are first getting used to them.

I didn't realise any of this when my Dad started to wear his (for the same issue), and remember being annoyed that he didn't use them more!

To be fair to your mum - hearing aids can be a bit useless IME. My dad has hearing aids and he does wear them but it's still really difficult to have a sensible phone conversation with him.

Are the aids properly maintained? New batteries/recharged every week? Serviced regularly, moulds fitting correctly? They can be very uncomfortable and depending on the cause of hearing loss, not always that effective.

I'm not sure that people realise how isolating deafness can be, couple that with cognitive changes as people age and it is a difficult combination to cope with.

There also comes a point when the relationship changes and roles reverse. Your parent can no longer be to you what they have always been. It sounds like you may have reached that point. It is frustrating and upsetting, but it is not their fault. They are probably also feeling upset and frightened at the change and their decline. Try to bear that in mind and compassion will follow. It's not easy, but comes with practice.

I had a difficult relationship with my mum. Her own childhood meant she became a difficult woman. The last 6 months of her life after having had a catastrophic stroke were appalling for her. I pulled out all the stops and am so glad I did. For my own peace of mind as well as the ways in which it helped her.
I would urge you to think about that - your own future peace of mind at the very least. Guilt would be a horrible feeling to deal with.
Frankly, having to shout on the phone a bit because of a stubborn refusal to wear hearing aids is small fry compare with what many people have to do. Old age can be brutal.
Obviously have a go at getting her to wear the hearing aids. Try telling her that dementia is a big risk from deafness. If she's pin sharp that might sink in. Flatter her - say 'mum, you're so sharp and so many people your age have problems. I'd love you to wear your hearing aids to help prevent you losing that'.

Agree. My dh has hearing loss and won't wear aids because it just amplifies all sounds. He's not an idiot - would wear them if it helped.
I totally understand your frustration though OP!

Your Mum won't change

You can choose your reactions to her and to what she says

That's as good as it's going to get

How is her eyesight? If it's good enough to read a bit, texting or emails might be helpful for conveying important information, subsequent phone calls may go better if she has an idea what you are likely to be talking about. Or something like FaceTime might be better than a phone call, people do naturally lip read to some extent if they can see the other persons face and that might help her understand?

Hi, audiologist here. There are lots of reasons people don’t wear their aids, many of them can be sorted as there are many aspects of hearing aids that can be adjusted, but they do take more getting used to than glasses, the brain has to adjust to make best use of the sound. People have to get to the point where it’s worth it for them to go through this. Also how disturbing background noise is , is partly down to the particular aids and how they’re set, but also some people do just find it harder to hear in noise than others.

All the little background sounds will be noticeable for a while until they’re no longer novel, but if someone can’t adjust to the sound after giving it. a good go, then the sound can be adjusted. They should be comfortable for all day wear and if they’re not again there are lots of things to try.

But for some people a phone where you can increase the volume and a TV sound bar where you can increase the treble makes more sense for them. or can you FaceTime her? , iPad can be pretty intuitive if she doesn’t already use tech or there are simpler devices designed for people with less tech experience. If her eyesight is ok she’s probably a relying on lip reading so might hear you more easily this way.

We are getting a lot of people coming to see us now because there seems to be some association between wearing hearing aids if you need them and reducing the risk of dementia- so that persuades some people.

it could be that her hearing aids are not working, or need adjusting or replacing if she’s had them a while, if how they look is important this can often be factored in. But then again , my aunt wouldn’t wear glasses because they made her look old, apparently. I also didn’t have a straightforward relationship with my mother but found it easier as things progressed and she sort of relinquished control and let us help her. Hope you find a way through this phase somehow.

I think you just need to keep the conversation bright and breezy about inconsequential matters. If you find yourself getting upset, I would just say you need to go now, or go out and take a short break - pretend you have a phone call or something.

With my DPs I just don't tell them anything unpleasant, or I guess if it is unavoidable I would try to make sure I am over the emotional part of it. It's a bit like having toddlers again as it's mostly one sided.

Yes, if the hearing aids aren't working for her you can't blame her for not wanting to wear them. Someone needs to devote some time to helping her get that right.

You talk about maintaining your sanity OP. I would try to flip this and try and make it about solving this problem for your mum in order to help you as well.

When Mum was ill I found it really helpful to go into problem solving mode. Sometimes the emotional stuff is just too much. Too painful.

@Icarus40

Have you been back to your audiologist to improve the sound? I have three monthly rdv with mine to make small adjustments. The aids themselves are Phonak Aero, a few years old now but still very good digital aids. The whole point of digital aids is that they can be set to compensate for your individual hearing loss. So if the current settings aren’t working for you, go back to the audiologist.

the other thing with getting hearing aids in later life is that they can be far harder to adjust to. I first got them when I was 8, wore them dutifully throughout school but never really used them socially until my last year of uni. It was hard - noisy pubs are quite different environments to quiet lecture halls! My point is, loads of older people get fitted for hearing aids that they never get used to and don’t use.

Is dementia really linked to deafness?

Apologies, I expressed that poorly - not deafness so much as unaddressed hearing loss.
So unaddressed hearing loss is a risk factor. It's why my DH got fitted with a hearing aid!

@Squirrelsonthescaffolding expressed it well

I've got hearing loss
The NHS hearing aids are shite, I don't wear mine
I've tried some at scrivens that are absolutely brilliant
Like a whole new world had opened up
Sadly I can't afford £3k for them
So if she has the money maybe try scrivens

Rafting2022
There seems to be some association between wearing aids and reducing risk of dementia for some people, it might be a bit overplayed in media but time and more studies will give us more info hopefully .

Hope you’re ok, OP, it’s a challenging time of life in which there can be sudden changes.

Decent digital hearing aids have settings for all situations , pub, phone , outdoors etc. Worth the investment

Carriemac
yes that’s right re different settings being available on digital aids but not everyone can cope with learning how to access the settings, so they’re not always programmed in, but the aids will adjust automatically anyway to a degree.

NHS have been fitting digital aids since about 2004 but some high street providers do muddy the water by implying a difference between NHS aids and digital aids.
Sorry for thread derail OP. I know your issues were broader than the hearing aid issue.

Except that when people get older, familiarity and simplicity is everything. My elderly parent would not be able to manage a change as they would not recognise anything new and would not remember how to use them. When someone is classified as deaf without hearing aids, they have limited choices.