Please help me to be kinder…

[FeralNun]

…or come to terms with the fact that I just can’t be!

My mother is elderly and in very poor health, but luckily doesn’t have dementia. She is in sheltered housing, with good support and family members (not me) nearby. We haven’t had a close relationship, ever, but I have come to some acceptance about that and realise that she is now an old lady who needs kindness no matter the history.

Until fairly recently, we had regular rather jolly phone calls - she’s still pretty sharp and has plenty of opinions! But the increasing deafness has put paid to that.

She utterly refuses to wear her hearing aids and won’t accept that she can’t hear. She just ‘busks’ the conversation, filling in with whatever she imagined I might have said. That’s ok I suppose, until it actually matters.

Today I found myself bawling at the top of my voice about a recent very tragic death and it felt absolutely TERRIBLE. We’ve had some terrible bereavements lately and I’m afraid I was very upset and cross. She responded that she can’t help it, but she bloody well can - just wear the aids!

Any thoughts or advice on how to maintain my sanity?

We switched to writing things down for MIL as she got deafer.

Exact same, It sucks.

I think this is the way forward OP. Your mother, for whatever reason, has chosen selective deafness.

Thank you all for such thoughtful and helpful replies. I’ll reply more fully later, but this is helping. Really.

Mum has never tried the aids, unfortunately - I can’t get to the bottom of it but it’s mainly denial I think. I do get that - it sucks being old and ill.

At first I was puzzled by what you meant, because even NHS aids are configured to your hearing loss, amplifying the frequencies you can’t hear and leaving untouched the frequencies you can hear. But presumably he means it amplifies high pitched random squeaks as well as high pitched speech sounds?

In theory,that should resolve, as the brain learns what is relevant and what isn’t, just as it always has done (the difference here is that it’s being suddenly presented with a whole lot of sounds it hasn’t heard for years, and doesn’t yet know which are important).

Alternatively he could try the “noisy cafe” or “tv” settings - they basically narrow the area over which sounds are picked up, limiting it to sounds in front of him, which are more likely to be relevant.

Or even letters

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation I think it was in noisy cafe/pubs he struggled with most which he rarely goes to, so didn't think it was worth struggling with. But this thread has prompted me to have another look at what might be helpful. It's total loss in one ear plus tinnitus.

He spends most of his time at home so it's not that much of an issue except he can't tell where sounds are coming from!

They are not “shite”. They are commercially available models fitted by often the same audiologists that supply privately. My NHS aids from Scrivens restored my hearing to the level that even my DC were unaware I had hearing loss; equally good were the two different NHS models I had from Specsavers.

As I understand it, social interaction is a factor reducing the probability of dementia. It’s more complicated than we give it credit for, keeping a lot of areas of the brain active, listening to the person you’re talking to, understanding and responding appropriately, screening out background noises, while keeping half an ear open totge other conversations at your table. Deafness makes all this more difficult - it’s far easier to sit in the corner letting the conversation wash over you.

@MereDintofPandiculation
Apologies shite may have been too strong a word
For me though, the difference was absolutely staggering.
It was like the difference between AOL dail up internet and fibre net broadband
Honestly the scrivens ones were like a whole different world had opened up.
I'm really disappointed the NHS ones, for me simply aren't fit for purpose. It's affecting my day to day life where I'm miss hearing important information at work and miss understanding people's interactions due to being unable to hear the tone of voice.
So frustrating

My DG is very deaf and refuses to wear hearing aids. Speaking to friends this is a common theme. Denial that hearing aids are needed/not deaf etc but also wonder if it’s control thing?

it makes communication very difficult, my poor mum often ends up really hoarse and a sore throat as she has medical issues with throat anyhow. Drives us a bit mad. Not sure what you can do but solidarity.

Thanks. Not looking for compassion or support - never on offer at any point! It’s duty really - with a side order of regret that we can’t now have any level of conversation at all. It’s just a monologue of health complaints. I know she enjoyed a good old chinwag previously, and so did I!

I’ve tried that - she simply won’t do it. So a week goes by until I crumble.

It’s really helpful to know this, thank you.

Aw, that’s sad OP. I’m in a situation where someone I shared so much with is absent (for other reasons) and I miss the connection so much. I have no choice but to accept that that part of our relationship is gone, but it’s so hard.

Not deafness as such I think, more in retreating from regular communication - I think people who become deaf in later life may feel that grappling with hearing aids and audiology appointments is just "one more thing" that they don't have the energy for - but this is to their social and cognitive detriment, sadly.

I really think this is the best I can hope for. I do try this mainly, but I wasn’t on the ball this week. Was so distressed myself with the bereavement, that I forgot that so couldn’t hope for a normal convo..

I have tinnitus. The thing that has helped me is to religiously ignore it, drag my thoughts away from it. I rationalise this as training my brain to understand that this is not a noise it needs to tell me about. So now most of the time I don’t hear it, but if I think about it (like now), it’s there!

Mine are from Scrivens. And they’re NHS. It sounds like the model you were first offered didn’t suit you.

@soupfiend I feel guilty and angry at the same time.

This sums up my feelings perfectly. Isn't it draining.

It’s yet another sign that you are old. And being old is not valued in our society, especially if you are a woman. Why would you embrace another sign you are becoming a person to be ignored and looked down on?

I was so excited to get them but they don't help very much as they amplify all sounds. So when I wear them I can hear all the high and low pitched noises REALLY LOUDLY and still struggle to hear what people are saying (unless I am in a quiet room with no background noise). I don’t understand this. I have moderate high frequency loss and mild mid frequency loss. My NHS aids amplify the high frequencies a lot, the mid frequencies a bit, and the low frequencies not at all. When I put them in,there is no change in overall volume but suddenly I can hear all the high pitched speech sounds, s,t and so on, and speech is much clearer. I don’t understand why you have been fitted with aids that amplify all frequencies equally.

with a side order of regret that we can’t now have any level of conversation at all. It’s just a monologue of health complaints. I know she enjoyed a good old chinwag previously, and so did I! It’s 4 years since I’ve had a two-way conversation with Dad and I miss it. I keep thinking “what would Dad say about that bit of news?” then realising I will never know.

That’s really hard. So sorry

Me neither 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe different NHS trusts prescribe different aids?