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Elderly parents
Original poster

What’s actually the worst that can happen if I don’t sign the LPOA? (Rambly/ranty, sorry)

38 replies

SockFluffInTheBath · 14/08/2024 22:42

I will preface this with I do know the point of the LPOA. PILs have one (Alzheimer’s and frailty).

My mum wants me to sign hers. She’s a selfish and manipulative article, made me feel like an unworthy inconvenience, loves to take the shine off anything good. I want to tell her no. I’ve actually flipped my lid at her by message this evening and blocked her because I just can’t take anymore at the moment. Over something that people with normal parents would think was irrational and disproportionate. I am stressed by everything in my life (not competing with anyone here) and I just need her to go away. Far away. She’s written in the LPOA that she wants to go in a home near me, and that she wants her laundry going external to the home. I don’t want to visit her and do her washing I really just need her to go away.

She’s mid 70s active and reasonably healthy. I know she won’t be forever. When social services or a doctor calls, why can I not just say no? Why do I have to be locked into her as well as all the other monkeys in my circus? FFS I just want to cry and scream.

OP posts:
BlueLegume · 15/08/2024 07:34

@SockFluffInTheBath sympathies and hugs. My parents made a huge song and dance about getting LPAs sorted some years ago….but proceeded to do nothing but left it to me. I foolishly went along with it doing all the admin getting signatures etc. I was incredibly reluctant to be involved as they are incredibly difficult people. I was incredibly stupid believing they wanted them for the right reasons. Roll forward several years and any decisions we have made for our father, who began lacking capacity a couple of years back our mother has railed against. Even when a DoLs was put in place and we had no option but to find nursing care she refused to accept it was something we had to do. I’m currently pondering removing myself from the LPA - frankly it feels pointless having one even though sensible head on I appreciate it is needed. It is interesting she has specifically put her requests in writing…can you challenge her about them? Also you do not have to sign the LPA BUT if she does go in a home they will likely ask if you have one. Any siblings or relatives who might be willing to be on the LPA with you?

Knotaknitter · 15/08/2024 07:54

She can want to be in a home near you but that doesn't mean you have to visit, she can want her laundry done externally but you don't have to be the one doing it. If there isn't a local laundry that does a service wash then that's too bad. She may think she's tying you to her service but really she isn't. You may tie yourself with guilt but that's within your control.

On the positive side, at least she's not assuming you'll move in and look after her.

AudiobookListener · 15/08/2024 08:22

If you don't want LPOA then you don't have to do it. Then when social services or a doctor calls, you absolutely can say no. You'll have to accept that others may end up making decisions about your mother. But you aren't obliged to go along with those decisions. Alternatively, if you have LPOA then YOU get to decide where your mother lives and who does her washing, but you will be obliged to arrange it.

velvetcoat · 15/08/2024 08:26
  1. You dont have to agree to LPOA. In fact, its best you dont if you arent fully on board as it involves a lot of work
  2. You dont have to do her laundry- you can say no. Thats a ridiculous and impractical expectation for you to do it.
  3. You dont have to even have contact with her if you dont want to

You have full permission to do all of the above and there is no debate about that- this is your life and you get to decide.
Now, whether you can emotionally adjust to the above is another matter but you shouldn't do any of it out of guilt, it should be done because you want to do it and its perfectly ok to say no x

TizerorFizz · 15/08/2024 08:34

Is this health and welfare POA? I’d say I could not do it. There’s also the finance one. Has she got one of those in place? A home requires both? Do you have a sibling? Who has drawn up the POA? You should have had some involvement when there’s big issues at stake. The POAs we have are not a list of demands. They are just giving our DD permission to make decisions for us. If you cannot talk to her about her demands, do not accept being her Attorney. It would be wholly wrong.

BlueLegume · 15/08/2024 08:35

I am learning to live with any guilt ( although it is minimal as I am exhausted) rather than dealing with increasing resentment which I find overwhelming

TizerorFizz · 15/08/2024 08:35

The worst that can happen is that you feel a bit mean - for a minute.

Octavia64 · 15/08/2024 08:36

You do not have to do it.

The worst that will happen is that she will have to live with the consequences of her own decisions.

Original poster
SockFluffInTheBath · 15/08/2024 08:38

Thank you so much ladies. I was at bursting point with anger last night and fully expected to be told to grow up. Lots to think about but not signing doesn’t seem to be as disastrous as I feared. Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
SockFluffInTheBath · 15/08/2024 08:41

Sorry, to answer questions it’s for health and finance, and is the gov.uk one. She’s added 2 of my cousins (retirement age, live ~300 miles away), I don’t have siblings on her side.

OP posts:
eeyoredebbie · 15/08/2024 08:41

A care home does not require a relative to have both types of POA. I just have financial for my dad, he has DOLs too and I am Cheif contact / next of kin

Original poster
SockFluffInTheBath · 15/08/2024 08:44

BlueLegume · 15/08/2024 08:35

I am learning to live with any guilt ( although it is minimal as I am exhausted) rather than dealing with increasing resentment which I find overwhelming

It’s awful. The good thing about PILs being there first is that I see how much is involved and I just don’t want to do that with her. Bad daughter indeed.

OP posts:
KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 15/08/2024 08:44

I would do it knowing that it would buy me some space. When the time comes you can ignore it. You don’t have to do anything. As long as you don’t do anything ‘wrong’ you are ok. ‘Nothing’ is fine.

It gives you control over situations that are really difficult without it. The only issue would be whether there were arguments with the cousins, but you would still have the right to do nothing.

BlueLegume · 15/08/2024 08:46

@eeyoredebbie sorry should have clarified they wanted the reference at the home for the LPA. Think I gave them both but they probably only needed one.

UnhappyAndYouKnowIt · 15/08/2024 08:55

An LPA is a great thing in the right circumstances, because it allows willing relatives to support a vulnerable person to manage their finances and to have input into decisions about their care.

In the wrong circumstances, the LPA can be a nightmare. It's important that a person who takes on the responsibility of being an attorney has the time and headspace to make decisions in the best interests of the vulnerable person. Abusive or coercive relationships can make it difficult to do that.

If a person doesn't have an LPA in place , then the social workers and medical professionals will make decisions in their best interests if needed.

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 15/08/2024 09:27

It's difficult enough dealing with elderly, failing parents when they have been nothing but loving, supportive and generous all your life. Even then the resentment over the personal cost is quite enough.

in your circs I think you are well entitled to tell her to sort her own self out and have nothing to do with it all. Good luck, I know that's easier said than done although if you start out by saying No then the professionals will soon realise there's no family to clear up the crises and not to bother calling.

VibeVanguard · 15/08/2024 09:49

LPA can be time consuming and stressful in my experience.
stay firm OP! You don’t have to do this.

but also, if you do choose to sign the poa, to keep the peace, you can remove yourself at any point. You just need to write to the office of public guardian to revoke your poa.

Tracker1234 · 15/08/2024 10:17

What a great thread and advice from everyone. I was LPA for both parents and the financial one was most useful once the various banks got it in their system. Both parents trusted me and let me get on with it.

Its not a dicate from some callous parent who thinks they can control you to doing what they want. Washing indeed and how self absorbed to demand they are in a care home near you where presumably they can shout out further demands and tell the care home to call you at every opportunity because 'you are just around the corner'!

EmotionalBlackmail · 15/08/2024 14:36

You can choose to sign or not. Or you can sign it but remove yourself later on.

I have POA for four people (two activated, the other two may never be needed). One I haven't seen the person for ages due to Covid, then distance and family/work commitments, but I know their wishes re care and end of life, and bank accounts/payments to home can be done online. Other people who live closer do the visiting. Sometimes it's a bit of a pain if you have to go to a bank branch.

They can express the wish to be in a home near you, but that doesn't mean you have to visit. If they don't want their laundry done in the CH then either the CH organises someone else to do it which they bill (I know someone who worked in one who did this as an extra for residents with "nice" wool or otherwise special garments) or a local launderette could do a service wash with collection/delivery.

OddBoots · 15/08/2024 14:41

If you sign then make sure the options are jointly or severally with the cousins, not just jointly. Trying to get everything agreed together is a real pain and if one of you will not or cannot continue to be an attorney then the whole thing is then invalid.

MissMoneyFairy · 15/08/2024 14:50

Just say no, you don't want the responsibility. She or the cousins, if they want to be attorneys , can arrange where she lives and the laundry service if she does move into a home, she'll have to pay for that. Don't get involved.

Original poster
SockFluffInTheBath · 15/08/2024 15:52

Thank you of much everyone, I really appreciate the advice and support. I think I’m going to pass it back without signing and put a hard hat on 😅

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 15/08/2024 16:21

@eeyoredebbie My DMs home did want health and welfare one. DM died before OPG got round to dealing with it! Finance definitely vital.

@SockFluffInTheBath With internet banking anyone can be an attorney. Not that it matters but one person makes life so much easier.More than one is hard to manage. That said “easy” is not what it is. Dodge the bullet and don the hard hat. If others will do it, let them. Forget about laundry. If she had been to a solicitor, this would have been excluded I would have thought.

eeyoredebbie · 15/08/2024 17:08

@TizerorFizz they did ask me whether he had a health LPA but he was past capacity by then, fortunately they didn’t insist and they still consult me on health matters (ring me every time he eats something not gluten free when he’s a coeliac 🙄)

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/08/2024 17:22

BlueLegume · 15/08/2024 08:46

@eeyoredebbie sorry should have clarified they wanted the reference at the home for the LPA. Think I gave them both but they probably only needed one.

Edited

Depends. DFs nursing home needed Finance fo payment - presumably because they need to know I was allowed to hand over DF's savings. An emergency doctor at 2am was being sniffy that they didn't have his Health PoA and wasn't happy about accepting me a nok, he wanted assurance that I was also Attorney. But given that he mistook DF's Letter of Wishes for a PoA, I think he wasn't sure what he was talking about, he just felt he ought to ask for it, he didn't know whether he needed it. (We didn't hit it off).