🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@funnelfan
Wow, those Janie Crow patterns are lovely. I like the 3D relief of the flower petals. I tried to crochet years ago but never got the hang of it. I like the idea you can make a full blanket square by square, though.

@PatchworkOwl glad you made time for your hobby even if you were tired. If you can find the time and energy for some things for you it is good for the soul, look at it as charging your own battery if you need to. It is so hard with end of life because no one knows when it will be. The living are left with their grief and a lot more to handle after their loved ones passing, so please also consider your own reserves and the needs of your children and do not feel guilty for taking time for yourself and your family at any point.à

I too was only just managing prior to the series of crises that led to me taking time off work, it is hard juggling my work and my own family commitments around my and my DH's own disabilities at the best of times. When you have so much on your plate already it doesn't take much to tip it over the edge.

Re: rodents luckily the ones in my Aunt's house are hibernating now but they need sorting, she too would never let me deal with it when she was alive even though they had previously chewed through her electrics (and have now in the loft). When I said to her what happens if they chew through them again her answer was well I don't need electricity anyway! Despite this social care and the GP still stated she had capacity. It is so hard to a) get them to see sense their thinking is impaired and b) get the services to recognise that it is as they don't see them often enough and they are very canny at disguising and masking when they want to be.

Popped in for a large drink from the top shelf after today’s visit. Or maybe a tequila with a pinch of salt. At least I know I’m not evil, whatever I’m called.

@FiniteSagacity I’m sure that in the sane world the last thing you’d be called is evil. Enjoy the drink 🍸

@SockFluffInTheBath thank you, cheers to all the other bad daughters 🍸.

I know there is solidarity here 🙏 and I’ve had great advice to step back from the lovely people here - which mercifully I’ve done enough recently - so today’s visit couldn’t break me.

Also appreciated the professionals reassuring me that familiarity breeds contempt and they can clearly see I’m in the firing line as the local bad daughter.

This week’s visit ticked off means I am now free to do all the very necessary admin. Lucky me.

I just realised today that my mum will be paying more in her care home because she has a 'front-facing room'. Is this a thing? Yes it's a nice view of a hillside but hardly worth paying £80 a month for, she is quite advanced in dementia now and barely clocks things like views.

@AInightingale I think FIL is paying extra for his corner room but as he went in for respite care we didn't have a choice of room.

We have a place at the care home for FIL 10 minutes walk away from us and MIL will be in a flat in the sheltered housing next door. We were hoping MIL would manage with carers twice a day until we can get some suitable furniture in her new flat.

Unfortunately its not going smoothly. I got a call from the care agency this morning saying MIL was hysterical. Fortunately DH was actually 30 minutes away at that time so they said the carer would stay with her till he arrived. He got there to no carer and MIL in a right old state. DH managed to get a doctor to come out who thought she had a urine infection due to dehydration. DH will stay for a few days until MIL is well enough to come to stay with us. Our house is completely unsuitable for old ladies who aren't used to stairs and I am a bit worried that once MIL has been living with us for a bit she won't want to go into the flat. But we can't leave her on her own.

Poor DH he was meant to be meeting some old colleagues tomorrow as one was visiting from overseas. It's been arranged for three months...

Is that flat unfurnished @Morenicecardigans? With hindsight I wish we had saved ourselves a lot of trouble and expense furnishing my mum's sheltered flat. New washer, fridge, bed etc. Secondhand/reconditioned would have done and still have been better than the knackered old stuff in her house which we were embarrassed by frankly. She was only in it for 11 months! Your MIL sounds as if she may have a short sit, as they say.

@
AInightingale
We chose an outward, hillside-facing room as well. I don't know how much my grandmother benefitted from it, really, but I certainly have done and have spent so much time in that little room, it is nice to look out rather than into an enclosed space. It also came I'm handy for when visiting was restricted for covid and norovirus as I could visit at the window.

@AInightingale the flat is unfurnished but we were just going to get a bed and a sofa and then bring some of MILs furniture down.

It's alarming how fast and steeply FIL has declined over the past few months. We keep putting measures into place to counteract new difficulties, and every one seems to become quickly obsolete. The last effort was to arrange carers and meals on wheels, once the council reablement team had got him more firmly on his feet. But no, the next step was in fact hospital. He shows no signs of returning to any level of independence, so now we're looking at care homes.
What's next, a hospice? A coffin? Poor bugger was worrying us about driving himself around the countryside only a few months ago.

Earlier this year I was (briefly and tactfully) querying the benefit of spending quite a lot on insuring a car that never seemed to be used - a matter that resolved itself after a pair of garage doors met their maker under the wheels of that same car.
Should be registering the death within the next week.

It goes two ways. We all like the idea of not spending a lot of our life in a state of poor health. The flipside is often a swift and alarming descent from being fairly functional to not being around at all.

We dream of the merciful stroke, cardiac arrest or aneurysm as we sleep, but that happening without any warning signs is very rare - and upsetting for the people left behind.

My hope for my own end is for a resolved health scare so that everyone panics and comes to visit, then, a few weeks later, a decline over a few days which the medics can't fight and which I am barely aware of.

I can relate to the fast and steep decline. Two months ago MIL was managing well without carers, just support with shopping, laundry and housework. Now she is in an assessment unit, and we are waiting for that assessment to take place. I don't think she will be able to return to her sheltered accommodation.

She is having some worrying conversations with us about a man coming into her room. When we have visited, the staff seem really switched on and protective, so it seems likely to be part of her confusion. Her short term memory has definitely gone, and she is talking about long-dead people. DH is there this evening (she's now about 90 minutes away), so we might find out more.

Does anyone have thoughts about choosing her accommodation nearer to us long term? She has always lived close to where she is now, but realistically DH and I will be her main visitors. And I don't think she sees where she is as being near home...

We have MIL staying with us at the moment. Last night she was completely confused and this morning she's doing the cryptic crossword with DH! Not sure if the antidepressants she is on are causing the evening confusion or if there is not a cause at all.

Could it be sundowning?

@Morenicecardigans I can relate to this but I think I know the cause. DF is pretty good in the mornings and can normally whizz through the Torygraph cryptic crossword. By evenings he moans about how all his friends are dead blah blah. What doesn't help is the quarter bottle of gin he has necked before dinner. There's no point in trying to ration him - he takes zero medication and we are currently planning his 90th birthday party in March - but it definitely makes him more miserable to deal with. Cockroach to all

@funnelfan I'm not sure if it is sundowning. She seemed OK this evening.

@Malbecfan that sounds tough. MIL is relatively cheerful despite the fact the she hasn't seen FIL for nearly three weeks. I think she had started to feel really unsafe with him and is glad to be away from that.

My poor DF’s bowel problems are worse. He got constipated, took laxatives, and now he seems to have persistent diarrhoea which he’s finding very distressing. He keeps trying to self medicate and swings between laxatives and diarrhoea tablets - I don’t think his poor gut knows what to do anymore. He’s agreed to see the doctor tomorrow. I’m torn between thinking he’s probably caused it himself and worrying that this could be the start of his body just packing up on him as he is 96.

It might be overflow, the stool might still be present and loose material from above the mass leaking around the sides as the laxatives help break it down. With movicol/laxido you have to keep upping the number of sachets at first then once cleared out you find a maintenance dose normally 2 sachets a day. He shouldn't be using the diarrhoea tablets it will make the constipation worse.

Thanks @Choconuttolata yes you have a point. Hard to tell. I hope he sees the GP today. He took 3 Laxido sachets ten days ago, had an extremely uncomfortable several days which should have cleared everything (?), then had a normal few days, then for the last three or four days has been involuntarily passing some stool. Sorry for the detail.. I hope the doc can advise him properly.

Evening all- never ventured in here before but poured a nice glass of Bread and Butter ( wine) and am down the rabbit hole reading through as DH away tonight

My father in law is on his own since 2019 after wife and then a partner both died before him- he's 85 and unlike many of your parents he is a lovely gent- all with it, smart, clean, educated ( a bit ex colonial) not bad looking for his age , full mobility, drives - I'm so chuffed that he's due to exchange on Wednesday from his house in a dying village 180 miles away and is in process of buying a nice 3 bed bungalow 11 miles away in funky Frome- I find it quite amusing actually he's going somewhere a bit alternative and hip and is busy checking out all the cafes and markets etc in advance. We are in Bath - so close , but not too close ! He's having a gap between selling and buying of a month and coming away at new year with a view to early Jan move in- I read these threads because they are incredibly helpful in preparing for if there is a big change in health either physically or mentally and what to watch out for- in the meantime if anyone has a pleasant attractive mum ( he still likes attractive much older women) in our area who still likes a good time- I've got just the guy for you !!

@Crikeyalmighty welcome, it’s nice to hear about a sane gent living his best life in retirement!

Sorting DFs house has led me to meet some lovely older people with similar interests to his. I wish he had braved some socialising when he had his health.

Welcome @Crikeyalmighty , your FIL sounds fab and long may he continue to frequent the funky cafes and markets. It’s lovely to hear a positive story of an older relative enjoying their retirement with few issues!

Although, I do hope your DH has talked to him and knows his dad’s wishes for various “what if” scenarios in the event your FILs health declines. Sorry to be a downer but I do regret not talking to mum more about this when she was compus mentis, when she decided to stay in the family home after dad died, rather than downsizing to a more suitable property like your FIL.

@funnelfan yep- he's very open, POA already done for if needed, copy's of will etc given over - and i do admire him for making this choice now
He's deliberately picked a place in good nick, close to shop, pub, medical centre, bus stop , and only 5 to 10 minutes walk into town and a small but nice garden - when he's used to having 150ft one.

It helped that he was never that fussed where he was- it was his partners family area - but he had no attachment to it and is originally from the West Country anyway.

There really are so many awkward parents talked about on this thread who seem to get their one bit of power now they no longer have careers by making their adult children's lives a misery- they are bloody lucky their families haven't just gone NC with them

That’s great to hear, your FIL sounds like a case study on how to plan well for your later years.

I’m lucky in that I always had a good relationship with my mum. We’ve had our moments and she had her annoying habits quirks, but fundamentally she’s always been a reasonable and sensible woman and that’s carried her through cognitive decline to be relatively compliant and easy to manage. She just didn’t plan for this scenario, and hoped for the best like so many parents discussed here, and so I’ve taken on the burden of trying to care for her from 100 miles away because my personality and values led me to believe it was the least worst option. It’s been a rapid learning curve in boundaries!