🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia sorry my reply is later than the others Not, but in our family’s experience it was the wandering that did it in terms of getting MIL proper help. Long story short, FIL was in hospital (dying) and MIL had/ has early dementian and was wandering around the street at night. (There was also alcoholism in the mix but the outcome is the same). Me and DH are 2 hours away, SIL usually dealt with stuff but had Covid and couldn’t see MIL but she played a blinder and rang MIL’s GP and told them that a vulnerable elderly lady was wandering at night with no family member able to intervene and what were they going to do about it? They rang an ambulance, got her admitted (and sectioned, and dried out) and after a long period being an inpatient, found her a suitable care home, where she is still living relatively happily today.

The key things are “unsafe discharge,” “safeguarding,” “liability,” etc, and making sure that this time she only leaves hospital for a suitable environment. Sadly that may then mean assessing funds to pay for it including possibly the house. But unfortunately the wandering stage very often means the elderly person cannot be left unattended, it’s very hard. Sending courage for all the meetings.

Sympathies to all going through such a hard time, my woes seem tame in comparison.
My DM needs to make some key decisions, but am getting frustrated that the default always seems to be to "keep things as they are". Last week she wanted help to draft a letter to change the way a payment is made. Was pleased to help and wrote something suitable. This week has decided that it's best to keep things the same "for now". How long that will be is anyone's guess.

It turns out FIL has metastatic cancer. The nicest, most reasonable man who has been watching my MIL decline with dementia for six years. Caring is literally lethal. I feel very sad.

@PermanentTemporary I’m sorry. That’s shit.

Really sorry @PermanentTemporary

I’m so sorry @PermanentTemporary 🌺🌺

Very sorry.

Thank you. Off to see him this week. Balancing multiple elderlies as we all are. He is OK at the moment so that's all I can ask.

So sorry to hear that @PermanentTemporary

@PermanentTemporary sending hugs - such a difficult time for you.

Very sorry @PermanentTemporary . Which cancer? My DH has metastatic prostate cancer. It’s very slow moving.

Sending hugs @PermanentTemporary.

Oh no @PermanentTemporary what a shock that must have been

I'm so sorry, @PermanentTemporary . That's awful.

oh how sad; I'm so sorry.

@MereDintofPandiculation it's such a specific and unusual site of primary cancer that I'm not going to say, but unfortunately the surgeon used the words 'highly aggressive' and some of the metastases are in the stomach so my guess is that he will start feeling sick and will struggle to maintain his weight. I don't think the outlook is good. He is very philosophical though and is not going to try any significant intervention.

@PermanentTemporary what horrible news, I’m so sorry.

May I join in? I've spent quite a lot of time over the past few days trying to sort my Dad out. Internet/phone scammers have taken him for ~£3000. I came on here and bought one of those TrueTalk secure gadgets recommended (thank you so much whoever suggested it on an old thread), and have found a new mobile phone recommended by Age UK. He's going to have a new phone number when we get the new phone and we're getting his computer wiped and reset.

I'm so tired of it all. Every day it seems like my Mum has a new thing that he's done or hasn't done. Or his physical health is poor again. Or he's left the shed open at night or lights on where they shouldn't be. I could put up with it more if he was nice to my Mum, but he isn't really. She's much younger and not infirm at all.

I'd just quite like it to stop, I've got young children and my husband is away for months with work.

Sorry you've had such bleak news, @PermanentTemporary .Wouldn't it be lovely to take a break from Everything Being Shit?

It would @ArabellaFishwife, but I must say that just recently I was posting about how lovely my mum's new nursing home is and really feeling very peaceful. So I have definitely had some good breaks along the way and appreciate them.

@LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE what a nightmare!! I must look at the Truetalk thing for the people I work with maybe.

Can I come back and join the crew again please?

So sorry to hear how many of you are juggling multiple family members who require care and help, and that the knocks keep coming some days. It’s a hard stage of life I am finding.

After a scary period over the summer/into the autumn for DM health wise, she was given some good news last week. DF has now had a significant health issue that result in being admitted to HDU on Saturday, and after he started to make some progress with that, he then had a heart attack on Monday. He’s sitting up in his bed in HDU talking, hooked up to oxygen etc and all sorts of drips to help everything else going on. We know his heart and arteries are too damaged for them to do any surgical intervention, but have no idea what the future looks like otherwise or if he will make it home again.

It feels like such a roller coaster. I’m an only child, and DM has mental health difficulties that require a lot of support anyway (not dementia) so just feel so bowled over by this when juggling my own kids.

How do you cope when things look quite bleak and/or they are in hospital? I tend to want all the info I can find, and phone the hospital frequently but I’m beginning to think that’s actually not the most helpful thing as all it does it make me worry, but it doesn’t change the situation.

Hello! Think this thread is for me sadly. I'm struggling at the moment working full time, 2 secondary school age children plus trying to support my parents as much as I can. There's a lot to their situation but I'll try and summarise.

Dad is 81 and suffers badly with arthritis in his knees to the extent that 10 days ago he couldn't get out of bed. Short term care arranged from community support team and he's doing better but reliant on a frame now. He also has a history of being an alcoholic although doesn't drink spirits now, will drink 3 cans of beer a day and some wine at the weekend. He has shown in the last 10 days that he can go completely without and it doesn't impact his health as it used to.

Mum is 80yo and has had health issues most of her life - rheumatoid arthritis since her late twenties, depression and anxiety, breast cancer resulting in bilateral mastectomy and more recently she fell at home just over a year ago and fractured 3 vertebrae and was subsequently diagnosed with Parkinson's. Recovery from the fall was around 12 weeks and no surgery was needed thankfully. Her anxiety though has worsened.

My parents have never had a loving marriage. Frequent arguments and misunderstandings. Dad is a natural introvert but with a sense of humour. Mum enjoys social company but doesn't get Dad's sense of humour and will snap at him. There is no real relationship except that they live in the same house. Separate meals, separate bedrooms and separate rooms they watch tv in. They also have separate finances and don't know what money the other has.

It just feels a mess and I'm caught in the middle trying to keep them happy, take them to appointments, etc. I have 2 siblings but they are not local like I am.

Any advice? Happy to just have found a space to share, rant and support tbh!

I’m so sorry. I was hoping to be able to offer some flicker of hope.

How do you cope when things look quite bleak and/or they are in hospital? I tend to want all the info I can find, and phone the hospital frequently but I’m beginning to think that’s actually not the most helpful thing as all it does it make me worry, but it doesn’t change the situation. I think it does help the patient to have an informed relative.

Short term, playing computer games keeps my mind occupied enough to quiten the worry. But it’s not a long term solution

@SesTheBrave it’s not necessarily a mess. A lot of couples redefine their relationships in middle age, and many end up with a “house sharing” solution. If it suits them, it’s fine.

don’t get dragged down by it. Set limits on when you cab help and how soon you can help