Can we use mums savings to bring her here to live.

[Authorinwaiting]

So mum has a dentist diagnosis as of 2020.

He decline is in her cognitive ability and physical ability.

She lives alone but has carers 4 times a day. She's now lost power in one of her hands and has difficulty pulling her pants up. She's also having continence issues because she can't manage her kazoo powders.

I wondered if we brought her to live with us could she pay for the adjustments we would need to make. She could then rent her house out or sell it.

My sister wants to put her in a home and said she wouldn't be allowed to spend her money renovating my house so she could live there.

Does anyone have any experience
Of this?

Do you have power of attorney?

Does she have capacity? If so and she wants to live with you and is happy for the adjustments to be paid for then she can decide that. If she doesn't have capacity do you have financial power of attorney for her? (There is more than one type of POA I believe so you would need the financial sort).

If she doesn't have capacity and you don't have financial POA then I think you'd have to go to court.

It’s a huge decision to move your parent into your own home.

Could she not adapt or renovate the home she currently lives in?

What is the benefit of her moving into your home? Would she still need carers 4 x a day at your place or are you taking over her care? Is there someone home all day every day?

Does she have capacity to make that decision and hand over her funds for you to renovate your home? Or is there a POA in place?

Where you may be on a sticky wicket in future is if she still does eventually need to go into a care home, it could look like deliberate deprivation of assets and you may have to pay the money back.

If your mother has capacity to agree to this or you have POA or deputyship. It would likely be fine. You would need to keep invoices or receipts for the adaptations to evidence what her money has been spent on. If you wanted to cover yourself you could ring and speak to the financial assessment team at your local authority and ask for advice. This would also cover you if you have asked foe guidance, followed the guidance and then need to apply for assistance with care in the future. I work in this area and would have no issue with someone ringing to ask these queries.

Thank you. Mum still has capacity. She owns her own home and has enough savings to pay for the renovations and have savings left.

I would like to ring someone for advice @Martininni who should I call?

I am home during the day so probably wouldn't need the carers.

Please don't underestimate the level of impact on you. Really, don't take over caring. With my MIL, by the end it took 2 adults to get her to the loo. You don't want to be the one helping with her underwear, you want to be her DIL.

Honestly, I'd look at nice care homes with her and see what she thinks.

Potentially if you do the renovations and move her in and she has to go in to council funded care they can/will examine all expenditure on your renovation.

Plus who is going to sort out renting of the property and all that entails?

You will need a properly drawn up contract to protect both yourself and your mum - and would you propose adding her to your deeds?

What happens if you need to sell up/downsize/divorce?

And what about any potential heritance split?

There's loads to consider .

Agree with this. Caring for her full time would be hard work. If she’s going to move in with you then I would still have carers coming in to help with personal care.

I know your intentions are good. However please think very very carefully about moving a mentally frail lady into your home.

If she has the level of dementia indicated by being incontinent, it is highly unlikely she has the level of capacity to agree to pay for home adaptations so your sister is right there. Unless you have Lasting power of attorney; in which case you could, but and it's a big but - watch the level of adaptations needed. If it's a ramp to help her get up the steps to the front door, then fine. If it's to build an annex for her to live in, I wouldn't. That sort of adaptation takes time and, sad to say, time is not on your Mum's side.

Bringing someone with dementia into a new setting, may lead to increased confusion and agitation at least for a while. It is all consuming looking after someone with dementia and it is a horrible illness that only gets worse. It is an illness that impacts every facet of a carer's life. In all likelihood you will have to reduce or give up work. And don't think you'll be able to WFH - tried that. DID NOT WORK. I cared for my Mum for about 3 weeks, when my dad was in hospital, and I found it more stressful and tiring than caring for a toddler. You know that situation with a toddler when you nip to the loo and it either goes really quiet or all hell breaks loose ? Well that multiplied. I couldn't turn my back for a minute. Now your Mum may not be at that stage yet, but it's a yet, not an if, if you see what I mean.

Would it be possible for you to spend some extended time at your Mum's to get experience of what caring for someone with dementia really means ? Like move in for 2 weeks - you'll find it an eye opener.

Think really carefully about what you would be giving up to care for your Mum in your home. I think your sister may be right about a care home, if not immediately then in the medium term.

You'll get good advice from the Alzheimer's Association, Alzheimer's Society, Aged UK and your local social services. It's certainly worth asking them to assess her needs even if she will be self funding.

I honestly would advise you to step carefully re her capacity. I had an incredible conversion once with my Mum, who by this stage did not know who I was. She told me in detail about a wonderful weekend away by train and how much she'd enjoyed it. Got dad on the phone - they hadn't been further than the local supermarket 5 mins from home. But she'd spoken to my niece who had told her all about her weekend away. If you're going to start spending a significant amount of her money on your house, make sure everyone else around you agrees she has full capacity.

I can't emphasis enough, caring for someone with dementia is all consuming. having that person in your home will mean everyone is effected.

@Authorinwaiting Do you have any experience in caring? I don’t want to be rude and of
course it’s worse case scenario but are you prepared to be constantly on call? What if she starts wandering? Gets abusive or agressive? Preparing every meal, every day of the week. Doing all toilet trips and pad changes. All medications, every single aspect of care/laundry/admin with someone who will get worse. Obviously dementia is different for everyone and develops at different rates but really seriously think about full time caring. Do you have kids at home too?

Age UK might well be able to give advice. If not, they will be able to direct you to someone who can.

I agree with @MabelMaybe and @DPotter .

OP, think very carefully about this.

Your mother might need a lot of care eventually.
24/7, every day.

I'm concerned about your continued use of the word 'renovations'.

Yes your Mum can pay for adaptations to your house - eg walk in shower, annex, ramps, hand rails. She shouldn't pay for the roof over her bedroom to be repaired or a new boiler as the old one blew up last week.

It may sound like semantics by on such quibbles, are law suits launched. Your sister has already made her position clear.

I agree with DPotter, I wouldn't see an issue with making small changes to your house like putting in handrails but you use the word 'renovate' which sounds like you intend to make major changes. That could be seen as being for your benefit. It is obvious why your sister feels unhappy about it.

Dementia is a progressive disease and, bluntly, this is the best your mother is going to be. You say you are at home all day so wouldn't need carers. I don't think you realise how much things are likely to deteriorate. You may well need two people to just get your mother out of bed, washed, dressed, and to change continence wear. Care is very expensive and money disappears very fast.

Dementia can be a very hard road to go done with a relative, and it is almost certain that they will end up in a care home anyway.
Unless you, and others, can cope with careing 24 hours a day 7 days a week, sometime in the future, you need to seriously need to look at care homes, but the quality and costs vary widely. depends if a simple residential home need or there is a nursing requirement.
We looked at 15 before we found a care home suitable for my mum.

@DPotter no I'm not looking to renovate my home. Lazy use of language on my part. We would need a ramp and possibly a sink in her bedroom. That's it. We have a room downstairs near the loo she can use but have several steps into the house so would need a ramp to get her in and out.

I am just trying to think of alternatives to a home. She always said she would hate to go in a home. She has consonance issues but she defo has capacity. Everyone would agree on that.

I'm still not sure it's something I want to put the family through. I just feel so bad putting her in a home.

Renovations/adaptations and financial ramifications aside, this would be hard. Really, really hard. Before MIL was admitted to a hospital, and then went into a nursing home, it took five additional adults along with her main carer, her DH, to try to manage the situation. You can't be awake and on the alert 24 hours a day.

It's a rare elderly person who says they want to go into a home. She might well come to think she's in one at your house.

The changes you want to make sound reasonable, now you have clarified. But all the other issues about her care are still there, so I am glad you are thinking about it carefully.

Please do not feel bad about moving your mum to a care home, there comes a stage when that is what she needs in order to be cared for safely. My mother has been in a care home for several years and has had excellent care. She would not have volunteered to move there (she wouldn't have volunteered to have dementia either!) but once she settled in she has been happy there.

I hope you and/or your sister have LPA for your mother as you will need it in order to be able to arrange the finances for her care.

I think if it was deemed necessary for your mums needs there wouldn't be an issue (I used to work in the nhs side of continuing health care).
What I would do personally is get your local disabilities team to assess your home and mum (usually done by an occupational therapist) and use that report to do the adaptations you need. Some may even be funded by the nhs/social care. You can also apply for a disabilities facility grant in some circumstances.
www.gov.uk/disabled-facilities-grants.
Just keep all receipts, get 3 quotes for everything and keep all medical reports as proof.

Ring the contact number for your local authoritu adult social care and ask to be put through to the financial assessment team.

If she has capacity, of course she can decide to gift you some to adapt your house for her. I’m guessing (been on mn too long) that your sister is concerned that you’ll be getting ‘the inheritance’ now, and she will loose out in the long run.

Contact adult social services. They provide my parents with lots of stuff - hand rails, toilet frames, walking frame etc. once do hot over the ‘stigma’ of using social services, she found them very helpful.

Does your sister realise how much homes cost?

Don't cancel the carers thinking you won't need them, you will not be able to offer 24hr care, are the carers council or funded, her needs will increase as she gets older and it would be better for everyone if you ask adult social services and her gp to assess her care needs and your house. She may need a hospital bed, commode, walking aids, all these can be provided by district nurses, therapists and social services. She also needs a continence service referral from her gp, she can get pads, pants and disposal on prescription. What do your family think of her moving in with you. I would also ask for a capacity assessment and start power of attorney ASAP. Age UK gave a lot of advice. What plans would be in place if she deteriorates, you become ill, want to go on holiday or realise you cannot manage. What does mum want, would she feel safer in a carehome and be happy to move.

Who is ' we ' who else lives with you ?
do they want to help pulling your mum's pants up ?
or will you be sat at her side 24 hours a day ?

I agree. It is fraught with problems. However, people do this and it can work out. Financially I am not sure if she paid for the extra to be added to your house would this be taken into consideration if she did eventually have to move to a care home. You could try ringing Age UK to see if they have any advice.

Sad though it is you do have to look into the future and consider what would happen if she needed more care.