Can we use mums savings to bring her here to live.

[Authorinwaiting]

So mum has a dentist diagnosis as of 2020.

He decline is in her cognitive ability and physical ability.

She lives alone but has carers 4 times a day. She's now lost power in one of her hands and has difficulty pulling her pants up. She's also having continence issues because she can't manage her kazoo powders.

I wondered if we brought her to live with us could she pay for the adjustments we would need to make. She could then rent her house out or sell it.

My sister wants to put her in a home and said she wouldn't be allowed to spend her money renovating my house so she could live there.

Does anyone have any experience
Of this?

I’m guessing (been on mn too long) that your sister is concerned that you’ll be getting ‘the inheritance’ now, and she will loose out in the long run.

🙄
Or the sister is both concerned and realistic about what it takes to care for an elderly person with dementia.

Maybe she’s worried about the disruption and the effects of moving her mum from her familiar home to in with the OP, and then a few months later when the OP realises the strain that being a full time carer puts on herself and everyone else in the household, their mum has to go through further disruption of another move because she needs to be in a care home after all.

Sorry to pick up something you're not asking about, but why has she lost power in one hand - and is it strength or dexterity or the ability to think about tasks that stops her? And when did that loss happen?

It sounds as if she may have had a stroke (though I work in a stroke team so would see that everywhere!) Does she have vascular dementia, ie lots of strokes? Even with that diagnosis, she may be eligible for some rehab with a specialist stroke team. They would also help her to think through adaptations or moving.

I would go to her GP and ask about this.

I do question exactly what you're thinking about taking in- someone who can't manage with 4 care visits a day is someone who needs a lot of care. But I do wonder also if there are further adaptations in her own home or to the care package that might help for a while.

Please apply for POA , financial and health asap. It can take quite a long time for it to be granted.

“She lives alone but has carers 4 times a day. She's now lost power in one of her hands and has difficulty pulling her pants up. She's also having continence issues because she can't manage her kazoo powders.”

I think you/her need to speak to the carers and possibly the GP to find a solution to this issue. I don’t understand why her moving in with you would sort it? I presume you won’t be on hand 24/7 to pull pants up 😩

@ScampiandChip I would. I'm a housewife so I'm here most of the time. At the moment I have to drive to her house 30 mins away everyday and over the summer that means taking my youngest gets to with me 11 and 12.

My sister doesn't want to feel like she's not doing her bit and that is how she would feel if I took mum. She's being very truthful up front saying she isn't prepared to step in for respite if I need it. I appreciate her saying that. She wants mum in a home so we don't need to worry about her care. I get that too.

I'm just having difficulty reconciling the emotion with the practicality.

After reading all your replies I'm starting to worry it might not be right to bring her here.

The had weakness we are told by her Consultant is due to her dementia
He checks it every time we go.

Please think incredibly carefully about taking on the care. You still have young children. It could easily turn into a 24/7 care situation.

With you having children don't understand estimate the impact moving grannie into their house will have on them. To be blunt the next few years will be fraught as her dementia progresses. Add into that mix, teenagers, exams, hormones, friendship issues etc plus are you 'of an age' where peri /menopause could be an issue?

You say you are going over every day? Why is that? Presume the *4 carers a day aren't enough?

As her dementia takes hold there is no doubt about it things will become much harder from a care point of view.

If you do eventually have to move her into a care home it will be much more difficult to navigate 3 years down the line.

You need to think carefully about the support you need yourself if you do this. It will be all encompassing change and you will not have a moment to yourself for the foreseeable.

I don’t think it would be fair on you or your girls to be on hand for her 24/7. You should be spending time with them. I think her care needs have changed and this needs addressing wherever she lives.

I admire you for wanting to do the best thing for your mother,but I agree with your sister.
It is incredibly hard to look after an elderly person with cognitive and/or physical issues. You will be solely responsible for dealing with her drs, opticians, hospital, and dentist appointments.With just you caring for your mum,are you prepared to never leave the house without her? Sorry to be blunt,but she won't get any better,and nipping out to the shops,never mind going on holiday or days out will be a distant memory. Do you have to do a school run? How will that tie in with looking after mum and leaving her unattended? Parents evenings,school plays,sporting events? Please don't underestimate effect that living with an elderly person with dementia will have on your children. Rather than it being lovely that granny is living with them, they'll likely come to resent her,not only because all your time will be taken up with her,but it can be difficult for teenagers to feel that they can invite their friends over if granny might say or do something embarrassing.
It's really hard,but you have to weigh up the effect on everyone. What's best for your mum will not be best for your family.I'm sure that your mum doesn't want to go into a home,but we can't always have what we want.
I can recommend reading the Cockroach Cafe threads on here,to get an idea of what a hard,never ending slog it can be,looking after a dependent elderly relative.

Would that be fair on your children ? and your partner/husband - you don't mention one but if you are a housewife i guess you have a working partner ?

I agree with the majority here and don't feel I can add anything more. I would however strongly advise that you put in place Lasting Powers of Attorney (both of them) before your mum does sadly lose capacity. Taking the potential move out of it, it will make both yours and your sister's lives a lot easier when the time comes.

I work in the probate department of a law firm and the current turnaround time for registering the documents is 16 weeks. You can do them online and pay a court fee of £82 per document. Please look into it as if she loses capacity and needs decisions about her care and finances to be made, the Court of Protection is your only route and that's both expensive and very long winded.

Absolutely agree with this. Looking after elderly relative is a lovely idea,but in practical terms you will grow to resent the amount of care which will be needed. And it never reduces. Think of childhood in reverse kn that instead of developing independence as the child grows there is an increasing demand for care, and of course you aren't getting more able or younger. Please don't do it.

You have two dc who need you.
Caring 24/7 for someone with dementia will not be easy. Think newborn or toddler with much bigger poos and wees to deal with

I can only echo what pp have pointed out. Of course your mum would not choose to be in a home but she is probably not aware how demanding she is.

my mum has early stage dementia, doesn’t even need carers yet but keeps my dad v busy and stressed. I have dd10 and 12 and there’s no way I would invite mum to live with us. I know how things get worse and it’s a cruel illness. Mil has been through it. Mentally and physically it’s very challenging to deal with.

I’m really sorry, it’s such a tough one to deal with. You are obviously a very caring daughter and she’s lucky to have you.

Thank you everyone.

After reading this thread and a couple of others I don't think I really stopped to see the impact it would have on us all.

I do two school runs a day which take roughly 40-60mins so that would really be impossible once she deteriorates I think.

I'm going to go view some nursing homes and see if I can get her a couple weeks respite to see if I can
Persuade her life will be easier.

That's a good idea. From what you have said about your mum, she needs a dementia care home, rather than a nursing home. When you talk to them, describe the problems she has and they will tell you if they can meet her needs.

I found my mother's care home by looking here, filter by area and type of care home.

https://www.carehome.co.uk/

Hmmm I’m not sure about this
especially if other family members are not on board
her needs may well increase rapidly so that she can’t even stay living with you eg if she needs 24 hour supervision, night continence care, 2:1 care with a hoist etc. or if her behaviour were to become challenging
it’s not always possible to stay living at home

I think it is the right decision to look at a home. If she has some capacity still to learn a new environment, better that she goes to a home than goes to yours and a home later.

If you look through her carers file it should show her current needs, careplan, medications which helps the carehome decide if they can meet her needs. Try and start both power of attorneys now whole she can, the chosen carehome will want to meet her before she moves in. Good ,uck with everything.

If dementia is involved, it’s only ever going to get worse and unless the person dies first, at some point they will need 24/7 care and supervision - by which I mean someone there, on hand, all day, all night, 365 days a year.

We had FiL with dementia living with us for about a year. At first we were blithely, utterly clueless about what it could mean - but I was on my knees with stress and exhaustion by the time we finally found a nice care home for him.

By the time it came to my mother with Alzheimer’s, just a few years later, there was absolutely no way I was doing that again. When she was no longer safe to be left alone at all, there was another hunt for a nice care home. The one we finally chose was excellent - she was nearly 89 when she went in and went on to 97, which to me was largely down to the quality of care that she received.