Respite care for one who is reluctant to pay

[Fedupofcommodes]

My MIL lives with us, there is nothing wrong with her as a person and we generally get on. She has been here since Xmas and is now 95. Very old frail lady. We were offering somewhere for her to live as she wasn't safe at home. We thought she's was at the end of life but she is going great guns. She has now sold her house so has 300k sat around doing nothing she pays us 500 per month inclusive of everything, food and bills etc which is fine. We provide all care apart from one morning visit.
We have holidays booked, in two weeks and in October. We had a care home booked for respite but now she won't go. We have tried other places but she just won't go.
We have gone through and agency for a live in carer and it is VERY expensive. We don't have money to fund it but she does but now she's gone back on her word and won't pay. We also had a Saturday afternoon sitting service which means we could take our son out he is 8. Now she won't pay for that either. We can't afford it but really do need some more balance in our lives. We need to have life beyond our house and to go on holiday. She is obviously a self funder but also has capacity. We literally have no family or friends that will do it for the amount of time needed. She has us over a barrel doesn't she?

If she has full capacity time for some honest conversations with her about the short and longer term.
If you refuse to look after her she will have to go into care and her money will disappear far quicker than what she is paying for a short period of respite.

She will only have you over a barrel if you allow her. You sound lovely but there are massive implications in looking after an elderly loved one.

There are several excellent FB groups which can also provide advice and support.

I think you're going to have a difficult conversation with her; the bottom line is she can no longer live with you as she has reneged on the agreements she made when she moved in.

put her rent up to cover the annual cost of respite care and the Saturday sitter, divide it by 12 and tell her that’s her new rent?

What does she think will happen if she doesn’t pay? Does she think she will be ok by herself for 2 weeks or is she trying to stop you going?

Tell her you are going away on X date. And if she does not get some care in she will be on her own.

Tell her you are going out for a day out with your son, and if she does not get care in she will be on her own.

Tell her that part of the deal of her living with you is that you and OH and child are free to go away whenever it suits you and that she will need to get care in. If she won't meet that part of the agreement then the deal is off and she will need to look for a care home.

I know it sounds hard; but I am retired and have a number of health problems - no way would I put my family in this situation.

Take her to the dr and ask them in front of her if she can be left alone for two weeks or is it better to arrange respite. If dr says respite tell her it’s dr’s orders ? Ps I would get her an alarm thing to put on her wrist in case of a fall and carry on going out for afternoons. You can’t live your life closed away in a house.

Pull back some of the care you’re providing.

Go out on Saturday as planned, leave her at home. See how she copes. Keep doing this.

She will soon realise that 2 weeks alone in October isn’t going to work.

If the mother was still in her own home, the tough love approach would be clear. Op has put herself in place as carer. Does that change things? Does anyone know the legal implications if op proceeds with a Saturday outing or with taking a two week holiday?

MIL has mental capacity and she has money. It is not like leaving an unsupervised child and OP should not have any legal implications.

No legal implications whatsoever.

Sorry OP, just re-read and realised you’re going on holiday in two weeks.

What a selfish woman.

Sit her down and tell her that in two weeks she’s going to be on her own if she doesn’t get some help organised soon. In fact if she doesn’t put something in place this week it’s highly unlikely she’ll get anyone to help last minute in two weeks time.

Tell her that if she decides she’s ok with no help and being on her own while you’re away, and your much needed holiday is disturbed in any way by her, she will need to move out on your return.

If she has capacity then I'd be tempted to tell her that if she continues to be selfish then it won't be possible for her to continue living with you, and you'll advise adult social services that a care home must be found.

I remember someone on here said this - "something a priest once said to me: that everyone in these situations has ‘equal rights’ . Your DM deserves care and consideration, but not more than your children, your husband , even yourself. Of course, you may choose to sacrifice your own share, but you don’t really have the right to sacrifice the needs of the other people in your life." I think this is so right.

She only has you over a barrel because you let her. She is ruling yours and your families life. She goes into respite or she's on her own. You will be going out and enjoying your time with your family.

@Fedupofcommodes goodness that sounds like so many on the elderly parents thread. Start off doing the “right” thing then absolutely sucker punched into doing things the way the elderly parent wants. No real advice other than previous posts but thinking of you and hoping you get a break

She’s outrageous - you’re going to have to be very firm with her. I would leave her alone on Saturday afternoons for a start with access to a drink and phone.
Tell her she will need to go into residential care fulltime soon if you’re not allowed family holidays!

@kiwiane well said. The sense of entitlement of some elderly people is bonkers. All we hear from our mother is ‘I don’t want that’ about every super sensible super helpful ideas. What she apparently wants is to make us all miserable, fall out with each other but do everything for her. I definitely have no recollection of my mother doing anything like we are experiencing for her parents. Stay strong @Fedupofcommodes

If she has capacity then she can choose to stay.

In your place I would do a a full day out with all your family (ie leave her for the day) and also go away for the weekend.

Many elderly people don't realise how much h they can't do until they have to cope.

Go and leave her for the day.

She might change her tune.

She does not have you over a barrel at all OP. Sit her down with husband and HE needs to tell her she either needs to meet you half way here or she'll have to leave. You deserve holidays and days out and if she won't allow it then living with you, no longer works.

I do hope you are claiming careers allowance for the care you are already giving.

And I agree with others, she has capacity and she needs to understand that if she doesn’t agree to the arranged respite for two weeks then she needs to be looking for a permanent care home as you are unable to provide 24/7 support indefinitely as you and your young family have the right to a family life.

Your dh needs to put his foot down, you have your own lives too. You go ahead with the holiday, either she pays for a respite bed for 2 weeks, choose somewhere luxurious if she's a bit reluctant, or she pays for private carers, if she keeps changing her mind, has capacity then she will have to make her own arrangements, do not feel guilt tripped or blackmailed. If your dh gives to her in then you go on holiday without him, does she contribute financially, has he asked her what she intends to do with her money now, its for spending, not inheritance,

Sorry, see she pays you 500pcm, are you claiming attendance and carers allowance, what's the plan moving forward when she may get frailer and need care.

My mother was so awful I had to tell her that she either behaves or go into a care home, at 90 years old my dad was ready to divorce her to get away from her. She was a nasty alcoholic mother so I felt no obligation to care for her.
Your MIL doesn't get to dictate your life. Unfortunately having capacity means she can make rubbish decisions as it is her choice but she cannot make you responsible for those decisions. Time to get tough and let her learn the hard way. Start going out and leave her to it, it is hard but you have to let them fail. She will get older, frailer and more selfish.

She does not have you over a barrel. Either she cooperates or she moves out to a home.

You are at a big big crossroads. You can choose to sacrifice your child and your own lives to her, or you can choose to carry on with your plans and let her take the risk (whatever those risks are).

Presumably she understands the risks and is prepared to take them?

I know it's easy for us to say from a distance "one fall and she'll change her tune" when you know that if there is a crisis that it will end up back with you handling the aftermath, but seriously, this is time in your lives that you will never get back. Set the boundaries now.

My worry would be that she might do something that might endanger your home. Her decision to endanger her own well-being is her own if she has capacity.