Respite care for one who is reluctant to pay

[Fedupofcommodes]

My MIL lives with us, there is nothing wrong with her as a person and we generally get on. She has been here since Xmas and is now 95. Very old frail lady. We were offering somewhere for her to live as she wasn't safe at home. We thought she's was at the end of life but she is going great guns. She has now sold her house so has 300k sat around doing nothing she pays us 500 per month inclusive of everything, food and bills etc which is fine. We provide all care apart from one morning visit.
We have holidays booked, in two weeks and in October. We had a care home booked for respite but now she won't go. We have tried other places but she just won't go.
We have gone through and agency for a live in carer and it is VERY expensive. We don't have money to fund it but she does but now she's gone back on her word and won't pay. We also had a Saturday afternoon sitting service which means we could take our son out he is 8. Now she won't pay for that either. We can't afford it but really do need some more balance in our lives. We need to have life beyond our house and to go on holiday. She is obviously a self funder but also has capacity. We literally have no family or friends that will do it for the amount of time needed. She has us over a barrel doesn't she?

The problem is that she falls, we have tried different types of call buttons, she's either unable to push the button in or the button is so sensitive that she sets it off by just brushing it with her hand which is worse!We were called 4 times in one day so did away with it. She can't be left more than a couple of hours, if she falls she could easily kill herself if she lay there the full day.
She has the capacity to make decisions but she also can't hear or see the phone to use it properly. I hate this situation.

I think you're gonna have to tell her she needs to move out.

Is you husband her only child? If so then he will presumably inherent any money that has So if you spend your own money on Care for her, then you'll get that money back once she dies. If you are in England she will be able to keep her last £23,250 even if she has to go into a home so your husband should get that back sometime in the future. It just might be that now is the time when spending on extra help would make a massive difference.

(Not sure what will happen in the future with care homes and self funding though)

Has she given your husband any bigger amounts of cash in the past. Such as contributions to house deposits or has she helped out with child care etc? If she has then it may make using 'your' money for her care more palatable.

Obviously if you have no spare cash then you won't be able to help.

She's 95, she has capacity, she knows the situation.

Either evict her or leave her to her fate.

have You had a caters assessment from your local social services. They might be able to talk to her about respite care.

So if you spend your own money on Care for her, then you'll get that money back once she dies.

The first post makes it clear that they don’t have the money readily to hand to cover a live in carer for two weeks, for a holiday that is about to happen. And it sounds like she is refusing to go into a home for respite care.

You've got to be tough. She either pays for respite or she moves out. She doesn't seem to give a shit about you, so return that favour.

Selfish woman, she's preventing her grandson having a day out and potentially a holiday.
I think it's time this arrangement came to an end.

Can you get a private occupational therapist in to assess her?
they can suggest things that can help, ie commode by the bedside so she doesn’t have to walk to the loo in the night.
plus loads of other things.

you say she has morning carers, can you up her care to three times a day? They can make her lunch, warm up a ready meal, and it’s regular checks.

speak to age concern and age uk, Red Cross are also very good. See what they can offer in the way of visits, support.

Do you have a keysafe? If not get one installed before you go away.

Has she visited the care home for a day? Maybe she’s scared?

My grandad had to go into respite as my Nan was his carer and under drs orders (old family dr years ago!) she needed 2 weeks break! He hated it but knew he was coming home.

yep. This.

Even if they did have the money they shouldn’t pay.
My FIL would do this exact thing, plus he wouldn’t leave us any money. People can leave it to charity there’s been lots of cases where parents cut a child out or don’t leave anything to them after death to spite them.

The fact that she cannot be safely left alone for any length of time, but is refusing to accept respite care, indicates that she doesn’t actually have capacity in this particular area. Capacity isn’t an all or nothing issue. She cannot see that she will be in danger if you go in holiday / leave her for the afternoon. That’s the very definition of lacking capacity.
You are receiving £500 a month from her - she’s lived with you 8+ months so that’s £4K you’ve had so far. Organise a 2x daily carer to visit whilst you’re away, morning and evening, pay for it yourselves out of the money she’s paid you then go on your holiday. Have a key safe fitted outside so she doesn’t need to answer the door. Reinstate her call button but tell the call handlers that you’ll be away on specific dates. If she presses the button, they will send an ambulance if they don’t get a response. Which is exactly what happens with people who live totally alone.

This is good advice

This.

She has capacity, pointbthis out.

She will ho to the care home for respite whilst you are away and not be allowed to control your life and cancel your holiday.

She will also pay for her care so your 8 year old can go out on Saturdays or she moves out.

Think you need to be clear.

“we are going out on Sunday so you will be alone all afternoon so make sure you have what you need”

“we are going on holiday so you need to sort out whose providing care for you”

don’t sit and negotiate or organise it for her etc- she’s an adult with capacity so there’s nothing stopping her saying “I need a morning and evening visit but I’ll be okay in meantime or I need someone 24/7. If she asks for help to find one that’s fine. But she can call and make the arrangements etc.

she makes her own decisions and lives with the consequences of such decisions just like you would.

Someone - DH her own son perhaps is best - needs to be very blunt about this. Tell her she is depriving her 8 year old DGS of a holiday with his DPs if she won't go into care. Does she actually want to do that ?

If she still refuses to budge, I'd go with DS and leave DH to look after her. It's his DM ultimately he needs to find the solution.

This. There needs to be a line in the sand and she needs to feel the consequences of her choices

Absolutely untenable situation and I agree she doesn't have capacity if she can't see how she's impacting you. To not go out is completely unreasonable. I second others that you ARE going, and she needs to understand that she can't hold you to ransom. Does she have any family who can talk to her so she doesn't feel that it's that you don't want her around?

So when did she decide not to go? Was it quite recent? Did she initially agree?

If she initially agreed and is now not agreeing, she has left this quite late and is being unreasonable. I am really not sure what you can do now.

And yes, she has you "over a barrel", sad to say.

Does she really have capacity to decide to be alone for most of the day while you're away?

She might do - she might well understand that she is quite likely to die, and would prefer a death in her/your home than going into respite care. At 95 she might be at peace with that. Though the most likely outcome is actually the morning carers coming in to find shes been on the floor for hours, an ambulance, admisson to hospital and death there after a completely miserable few days/weeks.

However, it is your home too, and I understand that you might not be prepared to spend your holiday wondering if you're going to come home to a partially decomposed body.

I think you need to get a lot shoutier about this, and to be a lot more blunt. And if she really wont go into respite or consider upping to 4 x a day care, actually have the discussion about where she prefers to die and that you aren't going to spend weeks scrubbing her remains off the floor.

Permanent Temporary I love your bluntness! She genuinely does have full capacity and I genuinely don't mind her dying in our home. That is what I want for her, however just a peaceful quick end and not pain and being alone.
I also couldn't cope with worrying about what is happening to her while we are away. She is too unsteady to coordinate making a cup of tea let alone food, although mentally perfectly capable. I can't come home to find her dead on the floor, one it would be an awful way for her to go and two it would cause no end of trauma for my poor kiddo. He doesn't need to see that.

So are you going to let her ruin your holiday and your son's holiday? Are you just resigned to the fact that you are all a prisoner in your home?

Would you just do things yourself and your son and let husband be left with her?