How to tell your parents they're declining?

[SensualDecay]

My 70 yearly old dad's memory is not good at all. He's always been a fiercely intelligent, hard working, argumentative man, and he's got away with his intellectually confrontational nature because he had integrity and a great deal of logic and understanding.

He doesn't now. He's just as forceful as ever, but now it's total nonsense. He tried to engage me in a totally bizarre argument about the difference between scampi and prawns this morning that was completely disorganised.

He forgets words and gets words wrong a lot. He gets the meaning of words wrong sometimes.

His ability to measure time has gone awry and he thinks several weeks have elapsed between conversations about things sometimes when it's been only a few days. This makes him cross and impatient. Why hasn't it happened yet!? He demands.

I'm a supply teacher and it's the summer holidays. It took him quite a few days to understand that I would not be teaching because there were no children, not because I am lazy.

He's critical and utterly lacking empathy. He's racist. He was never like this. less sympathetic and emotional than the adventure person, always unorthodox, but not racist. I was not raised with this kind of outlook. It's so sad.

This is made very complex by the following:

I am an only child who spent the last 15 years living overseas. Until the tail end of COVID, my dad lived in this house with his wife, his partner of 37 years. She abruptly left him and moved to a retirement community elsewhere. I'm now suspicious that he was being like this with her.

I gave my dad some of my savings to buy my stepmother out of this house to save him using the money in his pension.

After experiencing an abusive marriage and an event of quite considerable violence, and a very stressful job where I was sexually harassed, due in part to my ex husband spreading rumours about me around our workplace before he moved away, I've left my overseas life to stay at my dad's.

When I gave my dad the money he made it clear I'd always have this as my home due to my investment. I grew up living just me and my dad and we'd enjoyed each other's company.

Well, it's not working out, which is fine. I don't want to live round here anyway, but I did hope to be sheltered by my previously very loving dad while I tried to take a year to recover myself and set up in a country I've never really lived in as an adult.

But I now need to navigate his hostility before I leave and I'm very aware I actually am going to have to talk to him about his cognitive abilities. The childish part of me wants to say, fuck you, I'm never speaking to you again once I leave, but this is not really my lovely dad and I don't know how to best support him with this.

His sister has already died of early onset Alzheimer's. It hit her very young.

What the fuck do I for my dad without making it look like I'm pissy that he wants me to move out?

Obviously I will move out. I don't want him to be unhappy. That's not the issue. Just the cognitive stuff.

Didn't want to tread and run, but this seems quite complicated to me.

You can contact his GP, say you are concerned about his potential cognitive decline, and ask for them to check him out. (They can do this in a subtle way, it's very common.)
You can also contact local social services and ask for an assessment for him.

Is he posing any danger to himself (forgetting to turn off the gas hob, for example), or anyone else (eg driving)? If so that would be worth mentioning to the professionals.

Posting to second the above message - seems like the obvious first step to me.

Early onset Alzheimer’s is often genetic, especially with a positive family history. How much time have you actually spent with him over the last few years before you moved in? Potentially he has been having symptoms for years which are now reaching a tipping point. You do need to alert his GP that you’re concerned.

You also need to make it clear that you money you gave him was a loan-you need it back or it will go towards his care. Good luck x

This is very important. If he goes into council funded care. The council will register a charge over the property. You will rank as an unsecured creditor. It's best to have a solicitor draw up and register a charge to secure the debt, assuming your dad will agree and still has capacity to execute a charge deed. It may also be time to explore powers of attorney, again if he is willing, and if he still has capacity.

If you talk to him about cognition will he actually remember?

Does he retain enough insist to see he has a problem?

I suspect the answer to both of these is no.

I would start by trying to get him a diagnosis.

From all the things you have said about your dad, it sounds very much as if he has dementia.

When someone has dementia they have no insight into it and will deny it, and probably be very angry with you for suggesting it. So in all honesty there is no point having that type of conversation, it will get you less than nowhere. Even if it went well (extremely unlikely) the person would have forgotten it the next day.

You can approach it obliquely and suggest he might like some help with practical things he acknowledges he can no longer do (whatever they might be). But even that is likely to be rejected.

You can contact his GP, although the GP cannot discuss it with you. S/he can call your dad in for an appointment but if your dad doesn't want to go, he won't. The GP, or you, can request a Social Services referral for him, but again if he refuses to engage with them, that is the end of that.

There is a limit to what you can do and you might have to wait until something happens which means your dad can no longer refuse help. Will you be living fairly nearby - i.e. would you be able to monitor him from a distance as it were.

I am guessing you do not have LPA, and your dad sounds unlikely to agree to set one up. You may well not actually want that responsibility anyway.

Thing is OP, if he's already experiencing cognitive decline, and it seems clear that he is, you may well have this difficult conversation with him and he won't remember it.

I would call his GP immediately and arrange for your DF to see the GP and get the ball rolling for diagnosis. He will need to be referred to the memory clinic and they will assess and this takes time, so it's important to get the process started.

Your dad is lucky to have you. I'm sorry things have turned out like this. It must be very upsetting and distressing for you

Thanks so much for your lovely kind replies, everyone. 💖

I've been back and forth between here and Europe for the last few months and pretty self absorbed, so I only really noticed it was a problem last week when he said it had been several weeks since I'd said I would move out, but it had actually only just been five days.

He's been learning bridge for the past few years and abruptly stopped going to classes a few months ago because he said he was falling behind. I'd always suspected he was learning bridge to track his mental decline. I do think he does know, but I also think he's in denial.

I came back again this evening to find the George Foreman grill left on. It hadn't been on long but a couple of weeks ago I found it had been left on for two days.

Much of the time, he just seems a bit bad at remembering words and really quite right wing, but this morning I said something about teaching geography and he gave a pretty long response which referred to teaching history, all the while using the word geography. I don't think this is normal.

I tried to talk to him while he was making dinner and I could see it was upsetting him somehow. I went away and thought that perhaps he can't talk and cook now.

He has been off with me since I left my ex husband a few years ago. I did think his shitty attitude to me was because of me, iyswim, but this falls at the same time as my stepmother left him.

I have got a lovely therapist who is actually filling the supportive dad role for me very kindly, so the me part is taken care of, but I want to care for my dad the best I can. This is really important to me. I'd rather care for him myself than have a stranger, which he will find too degrading. But he thinks I need to move out and I feel like if I say I need to stay he'll treat it like I'm sponging off him.

I don't know any other old people. Is all this definitely abnormal for someone who just turned 70 a few months ago?

This is definitely highly abnormal.

Normal ageing = going into a room and forgetting why you went in there. Not any of the things you are describing.

Your story about stopping going to bridge reminds me of my FIL who was a life long chess player. He started losing and then he stopped going. And stopped all his other hobbies as well. Diagnosed with dementia shortly after this.

A big symptom of dementia is apathy. Stopping going to bridge may be because he can't initiate the activity of going to bridge club.

I think it may be happening quite young. But dementia in 70s is defo a thing that happens. I think now you know, the sooner you speak to his GP and social services, the better. He may resist the truth, but it is better to know and prepare while he still has capacity.

Not what you asked but

I gave my dad some of my savings to buy my stepmother out of this house to save him using the money in his pension.

Unless you are wealthy id sort this out before you start blowing up any bridges with him.

It might all go on care home fees otherwise....

I was planning on moving three hours away but I'm not sure if I can. But if I don't apply for jobs and talk to mortgage lenders, he gets mad. 😂🤦‍♀️

I'm not the perfect daughter. I've gone from being a seemingly stable and quite boring married academic to being a quite glamorous looking artist and writer without a full time job, although I have been teaching a bit. I hoped he would learn to accept the new/real me but I think I introduced myself to him too late.

I do believe that he has enough lucidity to have a conversation about his memory. It breaks my heart to have to be the person to do this. I think I will have to leave after the conversation and possibly not come back but I might be able to navigate it. I work with teenagers with social/emotional/additional needs so I do have the skills for dialling shit down but it breaks my heart when I need to use them with a grown up.

Ridiculously, he maintains a relationship with my stepmum and holidays with her but won't let her back in this house because "she made her choice to leave". She has always felt very competitive towards me for his affection (which he is very much to blame for imo), and I fear that if I reach out to her she'll just throw me under the bus to gain more favour.

I know I'm wittering on about this and you're all giving me practical advice, which I will draw from. None of my friends have parents in this situation so they just tell me he's being a dick but I don't think he is. Thank you for giving me somewhere to express this.

Regarding the money, he said I could have it back the other day to contribute to my deposit. I don't know how feasible that really is. I will talk to him about this first but truly, I will care for my dad myself as needed. It's the least I can do for him.

Did your dad and stepmum actually get divorced?

If not I’d get your money back off your dad asap!

No, they're still married but they did some kind of clean break agreement with solicitors. I agree though. It worries me.

Not to sound like a total wimp but my dad has always been god-like and hard to challenge. I am still pretty emotionally vulnerable after my unfortunately abusive marriage and the subsequent extraction from it, divorce, life overseas during COVID, and I struggle to assert boundaries. I know I need to. I have got a therapist for this very reason.

I really miss my ex husband right now because he would help give me perspective on my dad's cognitive abilities.

I worry I'm exaggerating his decline to serve my own bullshit. It's hard without a second pair of eyes.

My mum became strange like this a few years before she was eventually diagnosed. She went from loving and caring to sometimes doing / saying hurtful things that Id get upset about. I realize now that it was the beginning of dementia. Masked for quite a while as her partner was still alive and she was mostly herself. If it is dementia in my experience sorry but it will only get worse. Like you I originally thought I could give uo work and look after her in between my home and hers. Honestly I’m sorry to say it but thank goodness I didn’t do that. It is really really hard to care for someone with dementia , so much harder than I thought. Ithink for yourself it would be better to get an independent life sorted out asap. It doesn’t mean you or I don’t love our parent. I am very very involved in our DM’s care even from a distance ( i do have a sibling near by though) and have arranged my life to visit ( sort stuff out) regularly but I also have my life and my career. This is a marathon and we need to pace ourselves. If you need the money you lent your father Îd get that and POA sorted at a solicitors asap.

I would make getting your money back a priority, before tackling your dad on his health.

Especially with a still-married wife on the scene, who feels competitive towards you, the fact they aren’t divorced, and some kind of financial order that your dad may have agreed to while already in cognitive decline. She could end up with your money!

You guys are wise. I'll talk to him in the context of buying my new place about getting the money back and suggest that he gives me some kind of legal rights to make choices for him if he needs them. I'll say that I want to deal with this now because I'll be leaving soon.

I will also ask him what he wants to happen should he require care.

He's so smart that even declining he still has his shit together more than many. He takes himself camping and on holiday and doesn't get lost or anything like that. But I know it's insidious. My aunt didn't know there was anything wrong until she was at a traffic light that turned green and she couldn't process what it meant. So much damage must have been done by then.

I think he might be finding my witnessing this humiliating.

My poor lovely dad.

I would focus on getting your own place to live and your money back.

Then when you are set up, say to him that you've been a bit worried about his health. Tread very gently.

I think if you mix them up, or do them in the opposite order, he may cut you off. He is drowning, fighting for his life and may see you as a threat.

This feels so dishonest but I agree it's a sensible order.

It seems logical to talk about power of attorney while talking about the money though, before I leave. That's a fair thing to deal with, I think. He was very open in updating his will and sharing that with me a few years ago. He doesn't think he's immortal.

Totally understand that. For a while I was the only one thinking it about DM, I wasn’t sure of myself and others couldn’t/ didn’t want to see it. But i think if you’re living with him and picking up on stuff it’s likely that there is something wrong ( maybe not dementia but still things aren’t right)

Thank you again, each of you who has responded. All of you so kind and sensible.

I'm 74 and my husband is almost 82. None of the behaviour you describe sounds remotely normal to me, and I think our children would agree that neither of us show any sign of that kind of decline. This is not to say we don't get the odd senior moment, but it's nothing like that.