How to tell your parents they're declining?

[SensualDecay]

My 70 yearly old dad's memory is not good at all. He's always been a fiercely intelligent, hard working, argumentative man, and he's got away with his intellectually confrontational nature because he had integrity and a great deal of logic and understanding.

He doesn't now. He's just as forceful as ever, but now it's total nonsense. He tried to engage me in a totally bizarre argument about the difference between scampi and prawns this morning that was completely disorganised.

He forgets words and gets words wrong a lot. He gets the meaning of words wrong sometimes.

His ability to measure time has gone awry and he thinks several weeks have elapsed between conversations about things sometimes when it's been only a few days. This makes him cross and impatient. Why hasn't it happened yet!? He demands.

I'm a supply teacher and it's the summer holidays. It took him quite a few days to understand that I would not be teaching because there were no children, not because I am lazy.

He's critical and utterly lacking empathy. He's racist. He was never like this. less sympathetic and emotional than the adventure person, always unorthodox, but not racist. I was not raised with this kind of outlook. It's so sad.

This is made very complex by the following:

I am an only child who spent the last 15 years living overseas. Until the tail end of COVID, my dad lived in this house with his wife, his partner of 37 years. She abruptly left him and moved to a retirement community elsewhere. I'm now suspicious that he was being like this with her.

I gave my dad some of my savings to buy my stepmother out of this house to save him using the money in his pension.

After experiencing an abusive marriage and an event of quite considerable violence, and a very stressful job where I was sexually harassed, due in part to my ex husband spreading rumours about me around our workplace before he moved away, I've left my overseas life to stay at my dad's.

When I gave my dad the money he made it clear I'd always have this as my home due to my investment. I grew up living just me and my dad and we'd enjoyed each other's company.

Well, it's not working out, which is fine. I don't want to live round here anyway, but I did hope to be sheltered by my previously very loving dad while I tried to take a year to recover myself and set up in a country I've never really lived in as an adult.

But I now need to navigate his hostility before I leave and I'm very aware I actually am going to have to talk to him about his cognitive abilities. The childish part of me wants to say, fuck you, I'm never speaking to you again once I leave, but this is not really my lovely dad and I don't know how to best support him with this.

His sister has already died of early onset Alzheimer's. It hit her very young.

What the fuck do I for my dad without making it look like I'm pissy that he wants me to move out?

Obviously I will move out. I don't want him to be unhappy. That's not the issue. Just the cognitive stuff.

I will also ask him what he wants to happen should he require care.

This is something I would do if I could go back in time. One of those living will things. Id sit down and say what I would want and ask what DM would want and try and write it it down. It would help psychologically now when we need to make decisions .

My husband has a form of dementia which I believe has been coming on for a couple of years. He sounds very much like your dad as a younger fit man and now, although his speech is more affected than his cognitive state. He does fly off the handle a lot and gets obsessive over things, same as your dad. He does need help and it sounds as if he's in denial so it's very difficult for you but a chat with the GP has got to be your first port of call. Best wishes, it's a sad and hard road to travel.

I talked to my dad this morning about the money (which is immediately available and happily mine as I need) and what he would like in terms of care should he need it.

He was very black and white about being old. He seemed to think he was either dead or alive. Conscious or unconscious. Aware or unaware, and if not aware then he didn't care.

I had to say, but imagine, you might end up with reduced mental capacity but still have consciousness, you know. He struggled to see how that might be the case and I had to be really careful to not mention his sister who he supported during her decline into Alzheimer's, or suggest in any way to him that he might have the same experience.

So I said to him, what if you have a stroke? You don't die but you're not really you any more? What do you want? He was surprised but he took the question seriously and he said he wanted outside care, not me.

I told him that he needed to allow me to be the best daughter I could be for him, and that meant being honest about all of this.

I'm hoping these thoughts have continued to go around his brain for the rest of the day.

He came to ask what had happened to the watering can later. I'm the least likely candidate to be touching his watering can ever. It would be more reasonable to suggest the neighbour stole it, although ludicrous too, of course. I went out to the garden with him and it was where it always was.

I feel fucking stupid for being so self centered as to think the last three years of my dad's personality changes were in response to my life choices.

Thank you everyone for giving me the courage to look at the situation sensibly. 💖

That was good to talk to him. Act on it quickly now if you can. Sort the money situation out and POA ( îd get health as well as finance if you can) I know it feels horrible to be so pragmatic but you do need to do it because some types of dementia decline in steps down and not gradually so you don’t know how he will be in a month or two. You don’t need to use the POA until it’s needed, just have it in case but he can’t give you POA if hés lost capacity. The POA is for his benefit , especially as he’s still married… his still wife is his next of kin at the moment Îd imagine.,Our DM was very keen and insistant on having hers done a couple of years before diagnosis ( i now wonder if she felt thing weren’t right) and did it through a solicitor so it went through quite quickly . she also wrote a letter allowing sibling and myself to speak to GP about/for her and get hers meds. That has been extremely helpful so far.

Also, don’t discount other reasons for this decline such as brain tumour or mini strokes.

Be quick because he might lose capacity

This sounds very much like Alzheimer’s. They get very angry and can be impossible to reason with. I have a parent and and IL with it and it’s very delicate. The short term memory goes before the long term and decision- making is really difficult because they can’t use logic. Call his doctors and explain the situation, they can recommend a memory clinic; go with him if you can. Get POA as soon as possible. Keep a written record of worrying things so you can gently remind him and tell medical professionals. In my experience, trying to reason with them when they are actively distressed is pointless; focus on calming them and then speak to them when they seem more like themselves. My parent is relatively early on and half the time she is fully coherent, the other half she is abusive and unreasonable. When they are angry is when you need to remember it’s a genuine illness. It’s a hard slog OP.

I would get the money returned to you asap and also get POA. That seems very harsh and clinical but if you don't it will be years of pain and not being able to help out, if he has fluctuating capacity, so sometimes totally with it, sometimes not, then now if the time to act on that front.

For the rest of it, I think it's always going to be hard and complex caring for parents, he's not too young for Alzheimers unfortunately, and it does sound like there are issues, but other people have already said this, he needs medical assessment as there could be other reasons for his confusion- it could even be a UTI and reversible, or it could be a tumour, stroke, undiagnosed other condition so you do need to get it checked out.

You sound like a lovely person, be kind to yourself and you may have to excuse him too because it doesn't sound like he's fully himself at the moment, and that's very hard to deal with- I've found books about dementia helpful on that front.

I’m pushing 70, and my husband is 75, most of our friends are in the same age range, and no, your dad’s behaviour isn’t normal. You need to take some steps to get a diagnosis and rule out some physical causes (did you know UTIs in older people cause dementia-like symptoms, for example)?

With regard to POAs: you need to get both a Health and a Finance one done while your dad still has capacity. They are different, btw, to a Living Will (now called an Advance Directive).

it is possible for him to do it himself - or for you to do it together - although it’s bureaucratic and a bit tedious, or you can get a solicitor to help if you or your dad can afford that. Either way, it’s taking several months to get them registered, unfortunately.

Age UK have helpful guides to both POAs https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/power-of-attorney/

and Advanced Directives https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/advance-decisions/

Hi, I work with people with dementia and this sounds very likely. I would strongly advise a urine test first though, as a UTI can cause all these kind of symptoms too. He may have both, but I currently look after a gent who was having pretty recurrent UTIs, and got very agitated, angry and confused.

He’s too old to have early-onset dementia, which is defined as dementia before the age of 65.

But his symptoms are ones that can be associated with (normal) dementia.

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm a MH nurse who has worked in a dementia clinic. Yes you're right, but it's a little more complicated than that. 65 refers to age of onset. The reason I asked how much time the OP has actually spent with her dad over the last decade or so, is because many very intelligent people can "cover up" dementia successfully for extended periods of time. 70 is very young indeed for showing this degree of cognitive decline. I can't diagnose over the internet but I would imagine that he has been showing signs for at least 5 years, probably longer. The OP just hasn't spent enough time with him to realise this. Coupled with a family history of early onset (remember, less than 1% of dementia is clearly genetic) makes this too much of a coincidence, really, regardless of his current chronological age.

OK, fair enough.I reacted too quickly. Seen too many posts starting "My 95 year old mother started this year with early onset dementia" (Ok, exaggerated a bit)

@MereDintofPandiculation No worries, sorry if I was a little snippy. I do know what you mean about those other posts 😉

Not at all, you were politeness personified.