Everything was negative

[Ribenaberry12]

Spent the day out with my parents today and noticed that they their interpretation of EVERY thing and everyone was negative.
Guy on car parking wasn’t very good.
That area isn’t roped off very well.
Not paying that for a sandwich.
Theres too many people.
Theres not enough people.
This beer’s flat. (It wasn’t).
AD INFINITUM
They also expected everyone to short change them. Expected everyone providing a service to do it badly. Weren’t warm or friendly with anyone. I got embarrassed with they way they were talking to some people. They viewed everyone and everything as if they were out to get them. Couldn’t seem to have positive interaction with anyone. When I called them put on it they couldn’t see anything wrong with their attitude. I couldn’t understand it if they’d had a shit day but they hadn’t, they said they had a good time. I can’t understand why they’re treating people like they’re going to be ripped off or badly served. WTF IS WRONG WITH THEM???
I’ve come home baffled.

I think a lot of it comes from feeling scared and anxious.

My mum was a fan of the not so silent whisper 😣Bloody mortifying! Both of my parents were the same - as a pp said they almost fed off each other and everything was / is taken out of context. My dad had a raging argument with a neighbour about parking as they parked outside my parents house - its on street parking and no permits etc needed. We (siblings and I) just feel lucky that they live in a quite 'naice' area and no-one has taken them to task when they've beeb really bloody rude to people

My dad, late 80's is very much like this. My mum not so much. It's draining!

Christ yes. Mum has no thyroid so had been cold for the last 30 years, but she now has the house up to 27c if she can. I get sick with migraine every time I visit them.

My dad has just had a hip replacement and the fucking complaining is beyond the pale.

He had to wait for the physiotherapist to come to see him.
A nurse helped him up and down the corridor then didn't come back the next day to do it again because she was obviously avoiding him 🙄.
He's been an obnoxious prick to all the staff apparently. I really should send a card and some sweets with an apology as he was vile.
Someone in the bed opposite had a bone infection and therefore dad was at risk of catching it and the NHS were negligent putting them in the same ward.
The painkillers make him drowsy.
He stops the painkillers and now he's in pain and it's the NHS's fault.
He's not allowed to drive for 8 week, it's a disgrace.

I'm dreading his next one and I'll bet the ward aren't looking forward to his return either.

My nan was like this, it was so frustrating.

Constantly moaned that she was lonely (I get it- am not unsympathetic to that at all) and kept asking why I couldnt go round there daily. I have to work full time! I cant just take the day off whenever I feel like it as I have bills to pay.

So, I suggested and researched loads of social groups in the community for her during the times I couldnt visit. Her mobility was amazing and no issues there. But nope- there was something wrong with every suggestion I made, she didnt like them, nothing was ever good enough and she found fault with everything. I then suggested she go to the local church as she had a strong faith, it was a lovely friendly community and had loads of social events but she refused point blank because "the vicar hadn't personally knocked on her door to introduce himself". As if he has the time to knock on every single door in the entire neighbourhood! I know that even if he had she'd have found some other negative reason not to go.

In the end I gave up and ignored the whining completely because I had taken so much time to find things to enable her to socialise and she refused to do any of them.

Sympathy only goes so far, I'm happy to help but not when you wont do anything to help yourself. It made me sad in the end because she could have had a varied social life if she had wanted to but what can you do? you cant force people.

“In the end I gave up and ignored the whining completely because I had taken so much time to find things to enable her to socialise and she refused to do any of them.
Sympathy only goes so far, I'm happy to help but not when you wont do anything to help yourself. It made me sad in the end because she could have had a varied social life if she had wanted to but what can you do? you cant force people.”

Oh this is absolutely where I am now.

You complain, I offer to help, you refuse help? That’s fine. No one has to accept my help. But repeat that 5 times? I lose interest.

Oh I’m cringing! So many similar stories here!

You complain, I offer to help, you refuse help? That’s fine. No one has to accept my help. But repeat that 5 times? I lose interest

Yes, it's exactly this!

dad was whinging on the other day about taxes etc and how definitely his generation should be entitled to free nursing home care because "we've paid in all our lives"

mum has used huge amounts of NHS resources with a baby in the 1970s and 10 days in hospital, cancer in her 30s and hysterectomy, years on warfarin, loads of investigations re arrhythmia in her 70s, a stroke and 4 months in rehab, physio, adaptations, wheelchair and carers 4 times a day for. 3.5 years, broken wrist and nursing home respite. Oh and a hip replacement and broken her wrist twice before the stroke. Weekly visit by district nurses for catheter management and pretty much monthly crisis visit to unblock it.

dad has had knee surgery, a hernia, surgery after a motorbike accident and massive 12 hour surgery by a professor for a very rare cancer which kept him in intensive care for 3 weeks. Plus free accommodation for my mum as the hospital was not local. And other stuff I can't even remember

they have used more than they ever put in, my mum has never worked and dad retired at 55 !

Omg, yes this.

I think it riles me more because my grandparents on both sides had real can do attitudes in old age. They never had much money but they stayed fit and healthy, would take themselves off to OAP groups and events on the bus (on their own once they were widowed) and always had a positive and friendly outlook despite having endured some real hardships in their lives. My parents literally are a different generation (sigh). Love them dearly but they’re doing my head in. Have already arranged with DH that he’s driving to our family meal so I can get shitfaced and block it out if they start misbehaving. 🙈

Definitely. And depression, though you won’t persuade them to do anything about it.

This is such a good point I hadn’t thought about. My grandparents were positive too, and independent as far as they could be or wanted to be. Looking for the positive. And their hardships were much worse.

Oh the depression!

GP? No, he’s rubbish.

Medication? No it never works.

Have you tried medication in the past? No but it never works.

Counselling? No it doesn’t work.

Lonely? Yes.

What about going here or there? No don’t like that. Don’t like these people.

Ok, let me know if you change your mind, there’s plenty of things to try.

They’re all rubbish. Everyone is rubbish. Don’t go, I’m lonely!

And repeat.

To be fair, I like hot milk with coffee in a cafe. Just can’t be bothered at home!

I laughed out loud at this because this is almost word for word a reflection of our conversations!

I didnt say this to her of course but in my head I was thinking "stay fcking lonely then if you wont do anything about it"

I'm glad I found this thread as I was thinking of starting one of my own. Solidarity, OP.

I went to an art exhibition that I really enjoyed the other week (by myself). I mentioned it to my mum and she asked if I'd like to go again with her (I would have suggested this anyway as she makes the same kind of art so I thought it would be professionally interesting). And then she said my Dad would be joining. Argh!

Dad after any kind of creative thing that I've recommended or taken him to (book, film, TV, play, opera, exhibition...)

"Well what was wrong with it was [lots and lots of detail]..."

The point of my recommending something would be because I ENJOYED IT AND THOUGHT HE MIGHT TOO. Do I want to hear/read lots and lots of detail about what was wrong with it? Nope. I've stopped ever recommending anything or taking him to anything because of this reason, especially as I always used to pay for the tickets when it was a charged for thing.

I actually thought about refusing to go to see the exhibition because of this a second time but thought that would be unfair to my mum...

My DH is anxious and he's nothing to get anxious about in reality. No money worries, two great hobbies, he's fit cycling everywhere. Has some mates he has coffee with most days.

His anxiety about money is insane I've told him this so many times. Fretting about a new fridge when the old one packed up.

Buying a newer car was an angst ridden three months of trudging around car show rooms.

The grandchildren who make the usual mess with toys when visiting make him irate (not that he cleans up anything)

The grumpiness is wearing, the moaning an ear worm.

And it's catching if you're not careful.

My best friend and I have already made a pact to tell each other if we're becoming grumpy gits (we're currently 50s). Although I suppose it relies on it happening at different rates or we might not notice...

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Depression and anxiety are reasonable and appropriate responses to some life events. If it’s a personality type or pathological then it needs understanding and help.

@Ribenaberry12 I’ve not seen this specifically related to age but I definitely see traits in some people where things are always seen negatively and if anything goes wrong it is always someone else’s fault 🙄.

My mum is the same, even a compliment is phrased negatively - ‘not bad’ instead of ‘good’, if someone is too fat it’s bad, if someone has lost weight they’re too thin, etc etc etc

If it’s a personality type or pathological then it needs understanding and help

I think the issue is, people are being empathic, helpful and understanding but if someone refuses to get help and shoots down every suggestion you make then what is left? I would have walked to the ends of the earth for my nan if it would have helped her but nothing I did or said was taken on board, I even offered to drive her places to socialise but she refused so what can you do?

I suppose this depends how old your parents vs. your grandparents are?
For instance grandparents may have been born before the welfare state, before ownership of cars/fridges/washing machines/telephones/houses was common, years before TV! Produce in the shops was seasonal - for instance strawberries were only available for a few weeks in the summer. Also your money was kept in a local physical bank or your purse - no credit/debit cards. If you wanted to borrow money you had to grovel to the bank manager or scrounge off others.
So you travelled by bus or walked, entertainment was stuff like a visit to the cinema, a jumble sale, going for a walk, reading the newspaper, visiting friends or relatives, whist drives...
i.e. There was a culture of having to go out to amuse yourself and of low expectations from the state, low expectations of ownership or of choice in the shops. So long as you could add up you knew how much money you had and where it was. Also retired people then weren't bombarded by daytime TV programs such as "Scambusters" 😁or endless gloomy news. The only film-type news available that was vaguely like today's was the "Pathe News" at the cinema.
Compare this to parents probably born in the 60s or 70s - expectations much higher, patience much lower and exposed daily to TV full of disastrous news, "true life" tales of scams, extortions, mass murderers and experiencing these scams themselves via the phone etc.. Having credit cards to buy instantly rather than having to save, having far better support from the state when in difficulties, having the contraceptive pill which drastically improved women's expectations and ambitions - they've had more, they expect everything "right now" but are constantly being told not to trust anyone.

Try an art class, you used to enjoy drawing...Why would I want to do that?

What about swimming? You were a competitive swimmer... Problems with the local pool, people who go to the local pool, finding the time

There's a walking group...I walk to Sainsburys.

The muttering about people when they're right in front of them! This is especially embarrassing in restaurants. I have perfected my sorry face and always make sure I leave a big tip.

I'd see you more if you lived nearer. No! I'd still have to work and wouldn't be available to be your chauffeur even if we lived next door! You can drive and have a newer car than me.

Health problems but won't take the medication and then complains that she doesn't think the GP is any good.

Moaning about the cost of everything even when they're not paying. Will drive 5 miles to get 5p off a loaf of bread.

Visiting for the weekend, hating every minute of it, moaning constantly and then telling us they had a lovely time. I now suck up the cost and put them in a nice hotel for the night as a treat for us them.

Trying to stop them gesticulating and shouting at bad drivers when we're driving around my not very nice area. I don't want to get shot or stabbed.

Yes, it's very draining. What I found difficult was my dad constantly moaning about how rude the "youth" of today are and yet he'd be really rude himself! He'd also do that muttering under his breath thing and criticising everyone and anything- even when people were super nice to him.

I did point that out once to him but he scoffed and wouldnt have it. Its like a weird blind spot