End of life, teenagers and school trip

[Wotsitsarecheesy]

Changed to rarely used username for this. And hoping for some advice. MiL is close to end of life. She has deteriorated quickly in the last few days and is barely eating, but still drinking. 'Hospice at home' care starts tomorrow.

DD (17) is on an overseas school residential Mon-Thur next week and our uni aged DSs will also be abroad for the same 4 days. Neither DH or I have current passports.

DD has autism and anxiety and is very close to MiL. I am really struggling with what to do about the children's trips. If anything happens with MiL before Monday, the DCs can each make their own decisions. MiL definitely wants them all to still go away, but as a young adult whose grandparent will have just died I really worry about them, DD particularly, going away from home when neither DH or I can be there to support them.

If MiL lives past the weekend, they go away and she dies when they are away, I wouldn't want to tell them till they got home, but how would that feel for them, to find she has died while they were away? The boys understand that this could be a possibility but DD won't unless we spell it out to her. MiL won't want us to, but is that fair on DD?

I have no idea if MiL still being alive this time next week, when they return, is a possibility. It may be.

I feel so conflicted about what to do for the best here. Has anyone had a similar dilemma? If so, I would really appreciate any advice or insight.

I think they need all of the information and to be able to decide for themselves.

I'd steer them towards going. The end of life bit can be very drawn out and very difficult. It is really not nice to watch someone you love go though that and change so much and I'd try and spare them that.

Its going to be hard for you and your husband. I hope you have additional support for you guys. Big love as your family changes.

Thank you for your thoughts. I think you are right about full information. She definitely seemed much brighter and more positive this morning than she did yesterday. We are just taking it day by day but from today's visit I'm more hopeful (and so is she - she's saying she wants to survive as long as she can).

DF (83) had a catastrophic accident on the morning of my DD's end- of--school trip to Greece with her year group. She literally was about to go in car to airport when call came through, case in hallway etc. Had 10 mins to decide. She decided she wanted to stay. He died four days later. She got full refund from insurance. However, it was v clear cut he would not be there in a week. Sorry for your news.

I think a very frank conversation is needed. Make it clear MIL is dying and no-one can predict when the end will come. She will likely slip into unconscious state and the hospice at home will keep her pain free.

Ask them whether they want to know while they are away if she deteriorates or dies.
I wasn't told of my grandmother's death because I was away and I still feel resentful I was "the last to know", and when my father died in the early hours of the morning, my mother also told all the overseas relatives because of the time difference. But it meant I woke to heaps of messages from them expressing condolences.

Thank you all for your messages. @TupperJen that is a really important point and is exactly what I am worrying about. I'm sorry you experienced that. It's such a good idea to ask if they want to know while they are away and that was something I hadn't really thought through yet.

@Mum5net your poor DD. That must have been so traumatic, particularly at such short notice. We have now been told it is likely to be a few days, so I have spoken to DD and she has a little time to make a decision.

I really appreciate all your responses.

I'm sorry to hear your situation. FWIW, giving your DC the power to choose what they want to do seems like the right course.

I think going away will be a distraction for it all. But it may overwhelm your DD and she may not have enough energy to decompress from the trip AND losing her grandma at the same time

Thank you. We have spoken to all DCs this afternoon. Granny is having a good evening so they have all visited and spent some time with her. She talked enthusiastically to them about their trip. I think the boys will go anyway. DD will decide nearer the time but we will carry on preparing for the trip so she has the option. With her autism we have to plan everything thoroughly so she can manage. This trip will be a massive achievement for her as it is. But her brothers are flying to the same city to support her if necessary, so if she does decide to go she can always leave the trip to stay with them in their hotel if she prefers. I will talk to school about this tomorrow. Thank you again everyone, you have all been really helpful.

Oh! That was me - I forgot to change my username back. Ah well, never mind.

Please try and encourage them to go. If MIL is still drinking she could live a few more weeks. They may get to see her when they return. If they don’t, they know they are going with 100% her blessing

@Wotsitsarecheesy Sounds like a plan. So difficult for all concerned.I'm sure you've reiterated to your DD that there is no right or wrong answer. Both responses either to go or stay are good choices. Once decision is made, don't revisit it again.
DD spent 3 nights at the hospital as we were encouraged to be with DF/ DGF. Our circumstances were a bit unique as my DM was under section in the mental health unit of the SAME hospital. So DD was able to wheel her DGM ( who also had broken her wrist) 4 of 5 times a day to see DGF. It was pretty crazy. Then six day after DF/ DGF died we all went on our family holiday to the USA which had been two years in the planning.

I think, now you've said that the three of them will be together, that they should plan to go. Otherwise your DD will be at home without her brothers' support and fellow feeling at this time, and they sound close to each other.

Agree with another poster that the end of life phase can go on for weeks. Partner just lost a friend and the hospice staff said the longest they have seen for someone at end stage to die was 6 weeks without food and water which sounds just bloody awful. I'd let DD go.

Oh six weeks sounds dreadful. We have been told between a few days if she isn't eating to maybe a couple of weeks if she is. We are going to try and speak to a private palliative care home tomorrow, but one of the hospice at home nurses said today that it may already be too late to move her. She has deteriorated so quickly in the last 2 days. She was only discharged from hospital on Friday with 1 're-enablement' carer visit each morning. Which seems ridiculous now.

Sorry I forgot to name change again. I think I am just too tired my brain is all mush!

Given that they've just seen her at what is probably the best she'll be, I think that would be a good last memory of her, and they should go on their trips.

I'm glad that the boys are already thinking that way, but you need to think about what you'll do with DD should you be needing to spend more time with her DGM towards the end, and whether you'd want her to be present.

I think I'd be encouraging her to go, really. If uncertainty is difficult for her, I think that seeing her GM today and knowing the GM actually wants her to go, is a good 'fix' that gives her 'permission' to go and u continue her preparation.

I'm a grandma. I'd definitely want my grandchildren to take their much anticipated trips. And I very much would want their last memory of me to be the kind that your DCs had today, rather than in my last hours/day.
I nursed my late DH to the end. It was peaceful, but if I looked as he did in the last couple of days, I wouldn't want my DGDs to remember me that way.

My dad died when I was nineteen and on a university trip (that was part of my course) and I didn't find out until I was back. My mother made the decision and I don't think it was the right one.

I agree with this. They have their grandma's blessing to go.

Wishing you the strength to get through the next days and weeks x

@Wotsitsarecheesy How are you doing? Difficult weekend with the football and tennis all around to be dealing with what you are going through.

I was faced with similar as a young adult, my grandmother knew where I was going and was excited for me, 2 weeks away. I went to see her early afternoon before going to the airport, talked about what we would see and do, that I'd bring her back a fridge magnet with an elephant on. I knew I wouldn't see her again, though actually she died 8 hours after I got home,I had the option to go to the hospital but chose my last memory as her chatting away in her own home.

Let your children decide but ultimately they are starting their adult lives which is so much more important, most grandparents would hate for them to miss such opportunities.

I’m sorry for your mother in laws declining health.
I think you give the kids opportunity to spend sometime with her this weekend on the understanding that she is very frail, but then send them off on the trips reminding them that their grandma enjoyed travel/adventure/the stories and would wish them a brilliant trip.

and then, if she isn’t alive when they return they will have be able to remember that they had spent some time with her. Etc

Thank you all for your thoughts. MiL is still with us and the DCs have seen her again this weekend and all are going tomorrow. Sorry for short message but I need sleep.

I'm glad they're going. Did they decide if they want you to tell them if anything happens while they're away?

I'm glad your children are going where they are meant to be going, and that they have had time with their granny this weekend. When my mum was dying, I brought my elder two aged 9 and 7 to say goodbye to her on what turned out to be 2 days before she died.

It was probably the most difficult day of my life. My youngest was days off turning 3 so I didn't bring him - I was so afraid she would die on his birthday, and then I felt guilty about thinking that! My mum wasn't able to communicate any more by then but when my DC told her that they loved her, tears rolled down her face. It still breaks my heart nearly 20 years later.

She died 2 days before DC3's birthday, in the end, and 4 days before her own birthday.

Just sharing my story because I know how very hard it is x

They decided that they wanted to be told. As it happens, from being told a week ago that she may only have a few days left and then seeing her deteriorate further, in the last couple of days she has actually improved. She has moved to a care home where they are making her comfortable and we are now able to spend time with her while others do the caring/nursing. We are pretty confident that the children will be able to see her on Friday after they get back from their trip.

@Runnerinthenight That sounds like a very hard day for you all, but such a special one for your mum. It clearly meant so much to her. Thank you for sharing your experience.