Sibling and recently death of parent.

[makesmesad1977]

My mum died recently leaving my Dad. They'd had a long marriage and were together from the age of 15. He was devastated at losing her suddenly. She was disabled but she wasn't expected to die. I feel so sad for my Dad. One of my siblings has not even contacted him since the funeral two months ago to see how he is doing. My Dad has always been a good dad, sometimes a bit grumpy but would always have gone without himself and often did for us all. I know it is none of my business but I can't help but feel so sad for my Dad. Even on Father's Day no card or phone call. we live close to my dad and are in contact everyday so my sibling knows he is not alone but I still think it's important to show he cares.Has anyone else experienced this with siblings?

@makesmesad1977 sorry for your situation and the loss of your Mum.I do think we all react differently to situations and sometimes trying to understand and accept someone is doing something differently to you or what you expect of them can be a waste of energy. I can see your point of view but also would add that many people simply do not have the skills to deal with what is happening in a way acceptable to others. It is really difficult and I wish there was a handbook reminding us to all try and pull together in these situations, but there isn’t. In my experience tempers get frayed and anger is directed at the wrong person. Also, and I tread carefully here, the way you show care and the way your sibling shows care might be very different. I think it is slightly dangerous to assume your sibling doesn’t care. We all have different experiences with parents and it might be that your sibling needs a bit of time to digest things. Personality also comes into this. It may well be that your personality is to want to check in with your Dad, that might not be comfortable for your sibling. Finding a balance is so difficult but I think trying not to force someone to do things ‘your way’ may be a way to avoid conflict. Long winded I know but as someone tied up in a fraught situation I have learnt ‘judging’ each other is really unhealthy and unhelpful.

@BlueLegume Thank you - I needed this. I would never say anything to my sibling nor have I said anything to anyone in real life.I needed to get it off my chest and this is a safe place to do it where Ican't hurt anyone feels or come across as judgemental (apart from to strangers). Thank you for the reminder that every one deals with a loss differently. The lack of contact has been hurting my heart when I think of my Dad - I know it hurts him but he would never say anything. I'm hoping that with time things will change and that he will maybe just drop him a weekly or monthly call to see how he is doing. I know that it would really boost my Dad's spirits and he has been done so well the last couple of months adjusting to the change. I really hope that his lack of contact is not indicative of his care for him and it is just his way of dealing with things.

Male sibling? Sounds very normal . They often don't seem to engage their brains with situations like this. Mine forgot to send our parent birthday cards so the lack of a Fathers' Day card would also fit!

You just have to do what you want and can do, and leave them to whatever they're doing. It's frustrating, especially if the elderly person is upset
about it.

@EmotionalBlackmail Yes, it is a male sibling. I find it really hard as my Dad used to help look after his kids when they were babies and at primary school. He wasn't retired but would get home and help my mum get their dinner ready and then drop them home. So he can't have been a bad dad if he was happy for him to look after his kids I just find it so difficult to fathom that you wouldn't think hey! Dad is on his own now. Mum was disabled in her last couple of years so his whole life has changed from being needed to no one needing him. Will make sure I call him weekly/monthly and drop a card in for bdays and Father's Day. The sibling was the first in the family to go to uni and it was during the 80's with high interest rates etc. my dad got made redundant but worked two jobs to make sure he could get him through uni as accommodation and bills still needed to paid. It's made me feel so sad as a parent that we do so much for our kids to try and be good parents. We don't expect anything in return....but is a phone call too much to ask?

Sorry for your loss, OP.
My DB conveniently disappeared for around 8 years with rare appearances when my DF died. Surprise, surprise when DParents estate is about to pay out a modest sum, he is back on the scene.
Then he will disappear again.
i guess , in rather a blunt way, you are mourning DBro departure as well.
I think it’s incredibly common, sadly.

@Mum5net I would love to know the psychology behind why adult children often do this to ageing parents who they've had a decent relationship with.. My Uncle was the same when my Grandfather died. Little contact with my surviving grandmother in the three years until she died. Yet was in floods at the funeral. Is is selfishness? Unable to cope with the sadness of losing a parent and seeing the other alone? Not caring? Feeling that another sibling has it all in hand and their input isn't needed?I I find it so very, very sad. I get going no contact/little contact when you've had a narcissistic or cruel parent but when you've had a decent relationship. I don't think I will ever understand it.

So sorry for your loss OP.
I am so glad I am an only child. Having seen my mum go through what she did caring for my gran with just me to help, despite having 3 siblings who seem pretty unaffected y her death, I am glad it’s just me. Too much disappointment.

Grieve your way. Be there for your dad and try and forget your selfish sibling.

Its a very strong bond, the sibling bond. People underestimate it.

I have two brothers who never lifted a finger (or a phone) or put themselves out for one moment for our parents. There were sisters who were supposed to deal with all that. The only interest ever shown was about money.

Sadly, this does not seem to be uncommon.

@DeeplyMovingExperience It's just so sad. I know my Dad must notice the lack of contact but would never mention it as wouldn't want to draw attention to it. I find myself trying to over compensate and trying to keep the mood upbeat at the times when he should hear something but doesn't. I have two boys and if they couldn't even be bothered to keep in touch with an occasional phone call, I'd say nothing- then leave every penny to a
Donkey sanctuary on my death.

Well, your Dad could contact him.
I'm not saying he should but he could, for a chat.
Maybe older males are the same.

And this is relevant because?

He has contacted him. He drops him emails to ask how things are going. He rarely gets a response, or on the rate occasion he does it's a couple of weeks later.

My family are close so maybe different, but I would check in with my brother and then say dad is really struggling and needs our support can you call him at least once a week so he knows you understand.

Having been on this board for about 10 years, OP, I'd say it is incredibly common for one sibling to step way back after death of one parent. I don't think the moving-on siblings are especially overwhelmed by the loss. I suspect their focus on their birth family has shifted and been deprioritised They have other relationships and friendships which are more relevant. The only thing that keeps them in touch is their 'right' to an inheritance.

This is good advice but I don't think my sibling would take kindly to this. He would probably get annoyed and think I was interfering. Also, I don't know how it couldn't cross the mind of an adult child that their recently bereaved parent might initially need a bit of extra care, extra calls/ check ins while they start to find their feet.

My Dad has always been a good dad, sometimes a bit grumpy but would always have gone without himself and often did for us all

Maybe your Dad being grumpy had a much bigger effect on your sibling than you realize. My siblings and I have a real range of views on our parents.

@Stl
My siblings and I have a real range of views on our parents.
You might be on to something, or it might also be a view / influence of a partner or a perceived slight … but it’s never so bad that they hand back the inheritance…

Then I wouldn't care if he got annoyed he's an arse

It’s a tricky one. Elderly seemingly lonely person. Adult children seem to not care. Reality is elderly parent absolutely never cared or contacted the now adult child. Tricky dynamic now expecting attention.

This is not the scenario in this case. He helped provide a lot of care for his children when he and his wife were working. Gave lots of support in time and money to a venture the sibling was involved in. Always gave nice monetary gifts to sibling, wife and children without fail. Willing to help with anything that was asked of him.Certainly never the case of lack of care.

monetary gifts for birthday and christmas that should say.

This isn't what was said at all

@jannier apologies. I do understand that wasn’t what was said I understand that the poster is concerned about their DF and that the sibling is not checking in as the poster thinks they should do. My point was badly made. Firstly there are cases - not this one- where the parent child relationship is poor or broken. There are instances when an adult child might simply not have the skills to do what might seem reasonable. Equally there might be things going on no one else knows about. Judging how we should all “behave” just to me isn’t particularly helpful. As adult siblings I have one I’m close to and one I’m not. We are all civil but the one I’m not close to knows nothing about my life but chooses to be incredibly judgmental about how I do things. Judging is sometimes dangerous. No harm meant by my previous comment.

I had a male sibling move abroad and he did NOTHING. The odd phone call was just about himself. He is and previously the most selfish self absorbed person I have met!

I think when you are abroad you are one step removed and he allow others |(i.e me!) to do everything. The only benefit is that he doesnt ever critize me - I suspect he wouldnt dare as he would get it with both barrels.

Parent has passed away now and he didnt come to the funeral. Said his legs hurt on long haul flights. I am sorting out the estate and again I get no issue from him regarding this which my solicitor said is unusual.

He was the favourite too.