Sibling and recently death of parent.

[makesmesad1977]

My mum died recently leaving my Dad. They'd had a long marriage and were together from the age of 15. He was devastated at losing her suddenly. She was disabled but she wasn't expected to die. I feel so sad for my Dad. One of my siblings has not even contacted him since the funeral two months ago to see how he is doing. My Dad has always been a good dad, sometimes a bit grumpy but would always have gone without himself and often did for us all. I know it is none of my business but I can't help but feel so sad for my Dad. Even on Father's Day no card or phone call. we live close to my dad and are in contact everyday so my sibling knows he is not alone but I still think it's important to show he cares.Has anyone else experienced this with siblings?

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Do you have a very close relationship with your sibling? I get the feeling you don't if you say you can't bring yourself to mention anything to him about the situation?

It is hard to see your DF struggling and all it would take would be for your sibling to make an hour visit, a phone call, an invitation to lunch and it would make the world of difference wouldn't it. I have a male sibling but he has never made any kind of effort with our parents. Dreadfully selfish and a 'me me me' attitude. And similar to another PP, he was always our DM's favourite.

Because its only when it stops, you might have time to process the hurt.

Yes @makesmesad1977 I've had a near identical experience.
It's always the brothers isn't it?

I would love to know the psychology behind why adult children often do this to ageing parents who they've had a decent relationship with..

I think there are a number of possible reasons

one is that death of a parent ( and the lead up to it) often acts as a microscope on family relatinonships. In grief people can focus on stuff that shifts how they feel. A good relationship may in grief be made into a perfect one. An average relationship into a bad one. A bad relationship into a catastrophic one.

people bring their own baggage with them. A sibling who did nothing to help or care if it was needed prior to death may feel guilty so justify their own actions by lying to themselves that the parent was a bad parent and they had a bad realationsip.

siblings may not always know how the other feels about the parent. you may think there was a decent relationship but they may not - and that feeling may be total rubbish (need to lie to themselves) or it may be fair.

grief makes everyone go a bit insane.

men (stereotype but true) don't deal very well with intense emotional stuff (as parental death and lead up is) and many find it easier to run away.

men who are married tend to always prioritise their wife, children, in-laws and new family at all costs over parents and birth family. So minor and trivial needs of the marriage family trump major crises and important serious needs of their parents or birth family. women tend not do to this and stay close if there was a good relationship.