Inheritance

[Sillybluecat]

Two years ago my parents bought a second
property for £550k and let my brother live in it rent free.
They explained to myself and 2 sisters that that house would transfer to my brother when they died and us 3 daughters would be compensated.
Their main home is worth £1.6m and they live in the Channel Islands which are inheritance tax free.
My father has dementia and my mother is currently trying to transfer the smaller
house to my brother in her lifetime, but that is proving difficult due to my father’s health so
it has to remain in their names but if my dad dies first she can do the transfer (another story).

Whilst this has been going on my sisters and I have seen the will and are now aware that after the smaller house transfers to my brother, their remaining estate will be divided equally by 4 - no adjustment made.

My Mum has offered to pay off our mortgages which all happen to be £150k which we are o visually grateful for. but will not adjust for the £400k difference she is adamant that our brother will have the same share so
a house and a quarter. She says we all
own a house now and will all have money for retirement so what’s the problem. Us girls see it as her just paying off our loans not buying us a house.

We feel so hurt and upset and feels very unfair. We are a lot older than my brother he is 42 and we are 58, 56 and 53. We have worked hard, gone through divorce and suffered loss, to pay mortgages and bills, our health is not the best and at times we have had to work more than one job. I visit the island a lot to help my mum to give her a break. My sisters live overseas.

This is making me feel resentment and think my brother can do it, so as you see already causing trouble between siblings. I have 4 children of my own and wouldn’t dream of trying them differently over such a large amount of money.

It’s hard to know how to move forward with this situation. Does anyone have advice or been through something similiar? TIA

Particularly when you are being offered £150k now and half a million at some stage.

I genuinely think that you and your sisters are being greedy and ungrateful. I’m not just saying that to be nasty. I know sometimes on Mumsnet, posters are gratuitously nasty for fun, but I’m not doing that.

I really think you should be happy to be so financially fortunate. How can someone so privileged get so miserable about not getting as much free dosh as they want?

Sometimes its not the money but what the money represents.
But yes, OP seems in a good state, compared to many.

The more you post, the more sorry I feel for your children, the amount of manipulation and guilt tripping you're likely to lay on them. And the fact that you see inheritance as a reward says a lot.

It's not about the money. It's about fairness and equal treatment.

Being an 'old woman' doesn't mean you can't be questioned. Being a parent doesn't mean that your judgement is always right. After all the world is full of horrible and nasty people, and almost all of them have children! And get old one day. Doesn't make them saints.

I can't imagine ever treating kids unfairly. Inheritance, along with other things that aren't basic needs is reflective of parental attitudes towards their kids. Although in theory they can do what they want with it.

My kids wouldn't even think to ask, they all tell me to spend what we have and enjoy it and they don't expect anything. If you think it odd to think someone getting around £650k should be happy then I think you have some issues, most of us couldn't imagine such good fortune.

Maybe you equate money with love, not something I do or my children do, maybe an upbringing thing? Your poor parents, just walking cash machines.

Challenging your mother to the extent you make her cry because you want what you think is your fair share is shitty behaviour.

It isn't just in theory that they can do what they want with it, it is an actual fact.

King Lear had it right, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!"

I’m in the astonished camp.

you are getting a massive gift and eventually a massive inheritance. Just be grateful.

and be kind to your mum ffs. Her life, her choice.

This.

Can you bot just be happy to get a large inheritance and stop moaning about the unfairness of it?

If she is adamant there is nothing you can do, but I would adamant that he helps her rather than you. He can’t have it both ways.

I understand completely what the OP is saying. It isn’t about the money, it is about the unequal treatment.

The second inheritance may only partially materialise as it could be eaten up by care costs.

i would get the mortgage paid off.

She favours her son and doesn’t care about hurting the daughters.

But you stand to inherit a lot even though son gets more. Just accept it. But how much help you give is up to you.

Once again, it's not about money. It's about equal treatment.

You are only focusing on the money (and for the record, my parents have nothing, they are in a poor developing country, I pay for a lot of their expenses, which your children definitely don't do since they tell you to spend your money, you clearly have lots). You're saying OP should be happy she's getting 650K, but it's not about that!

If the OP's mother left her house to a cat's home, but divided the rest among her kids equally, it wouldn't cause any hurt feelings. As she's treating all of them the same. If she decided to leave nothing to any of them - same thing.

The issue here is, she's favouring one child over the rest.

If it was about something else... say, ice creams. Parent buys one child a small cone, and the other a big cone, for no obvious reason, people would definitely say it's unfair!
Buying one child nice clothes and the other hand-me-downs - also unfair!

Also I have no idea why you're obsessed with the crying. OP isn't a schoolyard bully or violent abuser, that's yelling at a victim making them cry. She and her mother are grown women. They had an emotionally loaded discussion, and she was crying too. That's a normal reaction. I don't think any one party should be blamed for 'making' anybody shed tears.

As @NomadAlone pointed out, it's not about the money at all. Very few posters seem to grasp this.

We do grasp it and we still think she needs to be grateful for what she’s getting.

Absolutely this - absolute greed!

My parents gave big amounts out while alive. 10k to me, 90k to one sister and 45k to the last sibling.

The final split was 3 ways. As it should be.

No, you really don't.

OP is grateful as she stated, but she's also hurt at the different treatment. OP is a full human and capable of having complex feelings.
Maybe you and PP think that the OP is ungrateful because she's gone into detail about her financial situation compared to her brother.
But that's because PP have said 'well maybe your brother needs it more and you're already loaded'.

The other thing if OP is to be believed, is why the brother lives so close but does nothing, needing his sister to travel up and down to give her mother a break.

No, you really don't

Rude

Exactly. It's a lot more than most of us will ever have in savings. Life isn't fair. The difference between those who inherit and those who don't in this world creates huge inequalities. You are very fortunate to be in this position.

My brother lives with my mother (father died a long time ago). When she goes the house will go 100% to him along with any monies. My sister and I have requested jewellery but not worth significant amounts compared with my brother’s potential inheritance
I am grateful to my brother for the support he has provided my mother . My sister and I both have houses my brother dosent. I may add that both my sister and I have worked hard all our lives and my brother has had a more erratic working career which has never allowed him to buy a house
But I never doubt my mother dosent love us all the same despite the inequity of the potential inheritance . It has simply been divided on a needs basis
Maybe your parents are just thinking the same and your brother needs the second house more which it sounds like is true. It sounds like you will still potentially benefit hugely I would just focus on this

I dont get your point given the only one who lives on the island is the son.

The person providing support and care is most likely the son as the sisters are a plane ride away....

Your parents are very elderly so I wouldn't give them a hard time. Life must be very difficult for your mum and your father has the horror of dementia - you'll feel bloody guilty after they've died if you say hurtful things now to either of them. And that will damage your life more than receiving, what, £550,000 instead of £650,000 - my maths if probably way out but you get the gist. Get some perspective on that, really!
Of course the division of money is not strictly fair, but your mother wants to divide her home between the four of you fairly. And she wants to see you all secure in your own homes because she loves you all. Your brother was 40 and didn't own his own home, so they put that right. She's paying off all of your mortgages, so in her mind it's fair because now you're all secure - and that presumably gives her peace of mind. It doesn't make sense to you. But it's their money, their right to do what they want with it.
She may well come to realise that the will cause problems between her children, wait and see. But do try to appreciate how lucky you are, OP, and that this doesn't mean your parents love your brother more than you. The idea that you would be thinking of offering your mother less help when she needs it because of this is pretty awful.

Thank you for all your comments and advice.
I've really reflected on this.
I have come away from the idea of comparing £150k v £550k when thinking about the houses because obviously house prices vary in area and at what time you enter the property market.
My mum's wishes are to secure us with a roof each and leave us all comfortable and for that I am so very grateful even through it seemed I wasn't.
Some people suggested it was the gesture rather than the value and that was a big thing for me and the change in explanation from 2 years ago. At this time my dad did not show signs of dementia and I knowing my dad I strongly think it was his idea for us to think this and then after their deaths we would discover this. It probably didn't sit right with my mum and now she is in control of the finances wants to address the imbalance, secure us with a roof each and hopefully care depending leave us each with equal amounts for our old age. When this came out it was an emotional conversation that my mum
instigated and when I did question it she became very angry and aggressive I had to leave her house for 2 hours and the returned but we were both crying we held each other and said we loved each other. I do realise love is a what is important, I am a mother too I have 4 grown up boys all finding it hard to own their own homes.
I know my parents love me and I will continue to care for them. I live an hours plane trip away, I visit to help often, my brother is very busy with his work and teenagers. I have time and as is often the case it's the daughters that are the carers. , I am happy to do this and always have been.
Thank you again it was very interesting to read so many different perspectives

So much of this resonates with me. Although the funds were nothing like in this league.
Only 2 of us siblings. Dad died, left a mess. Sibling and Mum have a chat, I get a quarter. At the time I accepted this as no wish to upset a very old person.
Now saddled with grief, pain and the knowledge that my AC are working to pay rent and it may never alter.

Its a horrible thing to be in your life.

Your brother has teenage children - their grandchildren - but didn't own his own home? So this has been about providing stability for all of them presumably.

Yes the property will pass to his 2 children

At the moment both properties are in my parents names and when they have passed it is their intention for the smaller property to transfer to my brother. He sees it as a gift, we see it as early inheritance.
He said to me they have made it complicated I wish they had just given me £550k and say go and buy a house. His 2 children live with their mum in a nice house, they are 12 and 15. So two houses between them.
I have 4 children age 33, 32, 30, 20
My younger sisters have 4 between them age 25, 22, 18, 17 and we all have a small house each