Losing patience with my mother

[teenboymom]

My mother is 70, has kidney disease and a couple of stents. She is close to needing dialysis as in will prob be in next year or two. She is on a few different meds plus takes sleeping tablet.

She is very tired with the kidney disease, I do understand that but if I suggest anything other then just letting her give out, she gets annoyed with me. Her diet is awful and she does no exercise but I have stopped suggesting these things as she gets defensive.

Anyway, she is obsessed with side effects and googling different things. I get weekly texts about something she has googled and that she wants to come off such a such a medication because it causes some side effect.

She has been getting dizzy spells for a few weeks but has low iron and is awaiting an infusion in next couple of weeks. Doc said this is prob reason for it. She has gone through her meds and found that one she is on causes dizziness and wants to come off it!!! I just text back saying, if you google any side effect of any drug dizziness will be one of them..anyway again she has texted back really sarcastically saying don't worry about her, forget about it etc that she doesn't trust doctors etc. how should I react when she bounces these things off me?

I'm just fed up as I'm her sounding board, I get all the negativity and moaning. I see her most days and most days she is giving out but yet never moans to anyone else. She says it herself that she just complains to me and I just feel fed up with it.

I feel bad because she is single and obviously has health concerns but I'm just so sick of getting these stupid texts when she knows I don't agree!

Also if I don't take her concerns seriously she says I don't care. But it's hard to listen to sometimes. I've never fully confronted her so it's not like I'm dismissive of her. I just might not agree with her. For example she had tummy bug a couple of weeks ago. She wanted to call
Ambulance because she said it's her kidneys failing but I knew it was a bug. She had diarrhoea and was pale and weak. Not weak enough that she needed ambulance but needed to rest. But because I didn't pander to her want for an ambulance, I didn't care!

During this time, I spent the day with her, fed her, brought her bits from shops, rang my friend who is her kidney nurse to run it by her just to reassure her but she just kept saying but YOU DONT KNOW ITS NOT MY KIDNEY!!!

Who else can she vent to if not her daughter?

How do you know that she is not right about the side effects?

Because she is on these meds ages, the dizziness is only recent and her iron is low. Most likely cause is the iron. The only other option is to just keep telling her to speak to GP. She could balance it out and maybe moan to my brother. This isn't a weekly thing, I see her most days

I feel for you, but I'm afraid she is refusing to let you be her advocate. As much as it might hurt you to see her in failing health, you may have to back down and let her make her own decisions (and pay the consequences).

I friend of mine had issues with her father moaning and complaining but never actually doing anything to improve his health. She finally had to take a step back, and eventually he had to deal with the doctors himself.

You have my full sympathy OP

My mother is 85. It’s a dreadful business.

I had to say “I can’t listen to this anymore”.

I then had a nervous breakdown which made her take things a lot more seriously in regards to my own health…but she was improving on not talking endlessly about it before that happened.

now I’m not even up to date on what meds she is on.

being blunt is the only solution. I wish I had set harder boundaries earlier.

also, the best person to ask about meds is the doc. Or in your mum’s case, the nephrologist. I used to worry that mum was bothering the doc instead of me but now I stay out of it.

I'm sorry to hear it got so bad for you that you had a breakdown. I don't think they realise how stressful it is.

I think I'm just going to send her to doc in future rather than disagreeing with her. I mean I'm very tactile when disagreeing. I find it very hard being firm with her and also find it causes me huge anxiety when she is unhappy. She is very sensitive and can be up and down and when she is down, I literally feel like I can't breathe until she is happy again.

It's just very difficult. She got hearing aids and wore them for one day as she said they were uncomfortable but complains she can't hear! I've just started replying, you must get those hearing aids back on so and it does cut her down in fairness so maybe I will start just saying, you must make apt to see doc if concerned with meds. She won't make apt but just passes the buck onto the doc

It's very hard to watch. She suffers with IBS but has an awful diet, I mean awful. Chippers prob 3/4 times a week, cakes, lunches out. Doesn't eat one vegetable or fruit. But complains about her IBS....

I just find it hard to understand why she would not want to improve her health. When her kidney disease was progressing, my brother and I tried to make a diet plan for her and agreed to batch cook for her and have her to ours for dinner but then would find out she wasn't eating meals/ordering takeaways so we just gave up.

It's hard to watch!

It’s hard to watch, but she has capacity and it is her life.

You need a grey rock phrase.

”oh, I’m not an expert, you should ring the doctor” might work.

The receptionists will handle and send her to the right person eg nurse

Kidney disease itself causes dizziness so it could well be that. I understand how frustrating this must be. She sounds seriously ill though and must be very frightened.

Leave her be. If she thinks it’s her kidneys and wants an ambulance, let her have one. Sometimes old all people want reassurance. You don’t need to be a gate keeper. Come up with a non contentious phrase you can trot out. My husband always says’Let’s see how it is tomorrow.’

@teenboymom “I find it very hard being firm with her and also find it causes me huge anxiety when she is unhappy. She is very sensitive and can be up and down and when she is down, I literally feel like I can't breathe until she is happy again.”

I was the same till I realised she was unhappy no matter what I said or did. We can’t be responsible for someone else’s happiness.

Yeah I think I'll just come up with a phrase to say rather than discuss it. She doesn't think logically when it comes to health so she's not going to listen to me.

I also do feel for her, she has always suffered with health anxiety so this is an anxious time for her. She also has time in the evenings to herself (she is out all day everyday, just in coffee shops etc) so the mind can wander and once she starts googling she is gone.

Yeah I know, I wish I could not feel so responsible. I'm actually thinking of going to speak to someone about it and try to make sense of it all with a professional.

I feel sometimes she treats me as her partner. I'm definitely getting small steps to boundaries very slowly. In last few weeks, I've gone from seeing her 6 days a week to maybe 3-4

In last few weeks, I've gone from seeing her 6 days a week to maybe 3-4 Well done! How long for?

The key is to damp down the emotional tie. The standard phrase works because you can trot it out automatically, without thinking too deeply about what she has said, and without triggering the emotions. Imagine you had a neighbour whose politics were diametrically opposed to your own. You could either treat your conversations with passion, countering her arguments, seeking to change her opinion, and the relationship would plummet. Or you could just glide over the surface, say something non committal, peace would be kept and you would stop avoiding your garden when your neighbour was out there. You’re doing the first with your mum, you need to do the second. Treat her as an adult, free to make bad decisions. You are not responsible for her!

See her less. Her meds, her health, her responsibility.

People who talk at you non stop about their problems are people you have to manage your time and energy with. They are often emotionally immature and highly resistant to change. It does matter if they are family it is the ultimate aeroplane mask scenario you need to look after yourself before you look after someone else.

Speak up for your self, change how you show up in the dynamic, be less available, tell her you care about her but her constant moaning is exhausting you, she won’t change but as you change the dynamic you just keep saying what you are doing so she gets used to the change quicker.

We have it with a young family member. Everything is a problem but we have just stopped being available to listen to her problems and she hasn’t changed she has just found other muppets to listen like we were muppets.

My mother is younger (60) but had kidney disease and is now on dialysis .... sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it'll get worse when they're on dialysis

I came here for support and got a 60/40 split of telling me to suck it up and she's my mother and I should listen to it all .... and then being told to step away from her as I also was seeing her multiple times a week.
She was treating me as if I was the parent and I should be taking care of her like it was my duty - when the reality is we are both adults and although I am her child - I am not responsible for her / her well-being. She needed to take some responsibility- which she still hasn't but it isn't my problem now.

I now see her maybe once a week - if that - and when she messages me about anything to do health wise I reply with "ok" because 1) I'm not a doctor and 2) she was actively adding to my anxiety and depression and refusing to acknowledge that I A) had either of them and B) she was a contributing factor to them.

Since I got tough with my boundaries and with my blunt non factual responses she appears to have backed off - but will talk about me to everyone behind my back - which is fine because I don't have to hear it / hear her moaning so it's a win in my eyes.

I found You can't change them - but you can change yourself / your boundaries

Thanks for all this advice. Honestly, it has been really helpful. I will have to work hard on not feeling responsible for her.

She definitely treats me like the parent. I'm always the one she comes to to off load. But it's always been like that, well since I was a young teen. I remember her fighting with her
Partner and ringing me to speak to him etc.

She has really good points too. She would do anything for us like babysitting etc.

@Fgshwga I'm sorry to hear about your mum. Sounds like you have handled it well. I will have to bring and collect her with dialysis so hoping to share it with my brother when the time comes. I'm hoping it makes her feel a bit better physically but she is going to really struggle with it.

@teenboymom

She will qualify for hospital transport when receiving dialysis- if you found it too much / couldn't share - which could be handy for you and boundaries.
Just something for you to bare in mind further down the line; incase she tries to make you feel guilty about no transport options

I will have to bring and collect her with dialysis

Um, why does it have to be you? This is part of the mind-set you have to change to maintain your own sanity. You are not the default solution to all your mum's issues. By all means help your mum work through the various options available to her (like hospital transport), and maybe even accompany her the first time on the hospital transport. But setting yourself up to take her every single time (because your brother will say "oh, you're better at it than me") will mean your entire life will revolve around your mum's dialysis sessions.

I get how hard it is when it is your mother, but she is an adult, she has capacity from what you say, and you can't protect her from the consequences of her own bad decisions. Friends and family of addicts have a mantra that goes "I didn't cause this, I can't control this, I can't cure this", and sometimes I think we can apply this to our difficult elderlies too.

Yeah I suppose this is something that I need to work on. I'm happy to do my bit to help. She does drive herself but just figured she would be wrecked after it.

I'm feeling so anxious all day today because she hasn't texted me and I fear she is annoyed over the interaction last night.
My son is starting exams tomorrow and requires a lot of help to study and organise himself so I have been busy with him.

I'd just use phrases like ' might be worth a try' if she talks about meds, side effects etc. She might be totally right. Doctors are notorious for downplaying side effects. Many SEs are also different for each person.
Just don't get into a debate over any of it.

I'm feeling so anxious all day today

@teenboymom I get it - I've just finished a course of CBT for anxiety, and a lot of the triggers were the situation around my mum. It helped me to learn new ways of thinking about the situations, to deal with the never-ending "what -if"s and catastrophising. My big learnings were: Is this thing my mum is bothering me about something that MUST be done, or is it a nice-to-do? Solution, I only pay attention to the MUST be done things. And those must-be-done things - is it really ME that has to do it? Is there another solution that doesn't involve me at the centre?

The worry and the guilt doesn't entirely go away, but the CBT has helped me deal with them better and stop them taking over all my mental capacity. If it sounds like it could be of use to you then have a google for NHS talking therapies and see what's available in your area.

What @SheilaFentiman , @MereDintofPandiculation and @Pantaloons99 said.

Stop thinking that her complaining means you need to resolve it. You don't. You can listen and make sympathetic noises. You can't actually solve everything. When you finally accept that it gets much easier.

She may well not expect you to sort it out, just listen, be sympathetic and reassuring.

With the meds she wanted to stop, you could say 'how about waiting for the infusion and if it's no better tell the GP what you want to do.'

Contradicting her because you feel she's wrong doesn't help.
Doing everything for her won't help- she'll still be miserable.

I try only to do things only I can do. If she could get a carer, handyman or GP to do it then that's the best.

Only you can be the daughter, making sympathetic noises and listening.

I specialise in 'oh no! How frustrating! You must be exhausted! What a shame! etc'
It really does help a lot.

Cross posted with a similar suggestion from @funnelfan there!