Sister's attitude

[Sisterattitude]

I'm currently staying with my mum who has dementia. The reason I'm here is because of my sister's neglect. She's out a lot and didn't notice my mum's declining health.

Since I've been here my sister treats me like staff. She constantly criticises me and my efforts in taking care of my mum. I'm not being paid to look after my mum and see myself as helping out though I'm with her 24/7.

I cook and prepare all mum's meals. My sister doesn't approve of what I cook which are all very healthy. Lean meat, fish, lots of vegetables, salad etc the other night she looked at what I'd prepared and said that if she'd received that in a restaurant she'd send it back.

My sister doesn't lift a finger to support my mum, does nothing around the house and doesn't contribute towards rent or bills.shes out most nights and weekends and goes on lots of holidays. The caring is left to me.

When she gets in from work she quizzes my mum about what she's done and what she's eaten. If something has gone wrong she's very quick to blame me.

I'm fed up! What would you do?

Unless someone does actually tell your sister she's not pulling her weight and mum wants her to financially contribute then nothing will change, you all sound scared of your sister and that's not good for your mum.

I'll look into guardianship. I agree that what my sister was doing amounted to neglect. I don't believe it was purposeful though. She just didn't notice my mum's health had declined. My other sister was in denial and thought she was fine. However, that's hopefully been resolved now. No I don't believe my mum has capacity. I'll speak to her Dr.

I do think it's best to speak to her gp, the situation will only deteriorate and mum may in the future need residential care, someone needs to speak up for mum.

Telling my sister is one thing, her acting on it is another. I can ask my sister to contribute but whether she will is a different matter. I haven't involved her in my mother's care going forward as she doesn't want to contribute. I asked her if would help with shopping going forward and she said she's too busy. When she's around she still expects me to prepare my mother's food and run around after her. She doesn't lift a finger and I don't imagine that changing.

I'm doing my best to advocate for her. I've spoken to social services and we've agreed a plan going forward and will reassess her needs when the time comes. My sisters don't want the state involved in her care so we've worked out her care needs between us. She probably will need residential care at some point.

Why don't they want the state involved, they already are if she's got carers unless she's paying for that privately. Doctors, nurses, social services, guardianship, poa , pension, any benefits are all "the state". The state will assess her care needs, finances and may help in getting her the care she needs to be safe. It sounds very difficult, who agreed the plan with social services going forward, that should either be mum or her welfare p.o.a.

My mum doesn't have carers, I'm currently taking care of her care needs. Before that no one was. My mum has had a needs assessment and a plan was put in place but my sisters don't want social services involved in my mum's care. I agreed the needs plan with them going forward. Welfare POA is not in place. The plan involves her shopping and meals needs. Her needs will be reassessed when her condition changes.

To be honest op this sounds like elder abuse.
Your sister might not be actively sending your mum but she is neglecting her and taking financial advantage.

Unless you can carry the load indefinitely you'll need to try to change the set up to protect your mum because if she can't care for herself sometime needs to and if your sister is going to ignore her needs then she's could end up in a bad way.

You can discuss this with social services as a safeguarding concern, they should be able to advise or signpost to what sort there might be.

Meanwhile if someone is determined to see everything as your fault and your efforts to be lacking in some way no matter what, then it's hard to change that unless there is some underlying resentment at the root of it which you could discuss and try to resolve. But if not then all you can do is grey rock those comments.

It's certainly neglectful. My mum was in a bad way in December. She was slowly starving, with no access to suitable food and no way of buying food or preparing it. Her mood was very low and eventually culminated in suicide threats which was why I got dementia crisis involved.

I'm very concerned about her going forward and have had a lot of contact with social services regarding this. My sisters are the problem here as my eldest sister doesn't believe in medication, Drs or social services.

I arranged for a carer to come in once a day to give her lunch and have a chat to gauge her state but my sisters don't want carers. So I've arranged with my elder sister to call her at lunch to remind her to eat and to drop in every day to guage her mood. I can obviously call as well but my mum doesn't really tell you how she's feeling.

I'll bring up my younger sister financially contributing but don't know how far that will get. She's a difficult character. She's also looking to move out at some point but since she's rarely home, I'm not sure what difference that will make.

There's no one keeping an eye on my mum's health. She refuses to take her blood pressure medication, saying that she doesn't need it. I have a Dr appointment in a week to discuss this with her GP but am not really sure what I can do. I can't force her to take the medication but she's at risk of a stroke and of course, it makes the dementia worse. She refuses to take any medication for her dementia. She has terrible mood swings and was offered medication to help with this but she refused and the Dr believed she has capacity so it was left there.

I've done what I can regarding diet and exercise but she continues to drink which doesn't help and drinks with her neighbour. I've asked my sister to tell the neighbour to stop giving her drink but she doesn't see the problem. My older sister gives her a gin and tonic everyday and says she's an adult and has a right to drink.

I can't stay much longer as my mum doesn't want me with her and I want to go home. She's extremely difficult to live with and has tantrums at the smallest slight. She often isn't talking to me because of some perceived slight and sees me as constantly on at her as I'm trying to help with her care and health. She doesn't think there's anything wrong with her and refuses to co operate with her care needs although at the moment she does seem open to carers but I don't know how long that will last.

Your mum sounds very vulnerable, she doesn't eat, she refuses medication, drinks, has made suicide threats. Why are your sisters being allowed to refuse outside help if mum has capacity, until she has a formal lack of capacity diagnosis they shouldn't be making decisions on her behalf. Has she been diagnosed with dementia, ever been under the mental health team. If she is open to the suggestion of carers then that should be put in place, it's not your sisters decision, if they refuse to seek help, support and act in her best interests they are abusing her and their p.o.a.

I've put things in place which will help until her condition changes. My sister is going to batch cook and give her her evening meal and she'll also prepare her lunch for the next day. She'll call to remind her to eat at lunch. She'll also do her food shopping and keep an eye on the fridge to make sure her food is in date and it's clean. My mum usually eats breakfast by herself.

Regarding her mood, she was under the care of Dementia Crisis for a while who discharged her. They're part of the memory clinic. My mum has refused to see them again so the Memory Clinic discharged her. At the moment, her mood is fine and there have been no more threats.

She's had a diagnosis of dementia and Alzheimers. I take a regular reading of her blood pressure but my mum says it's broken and won't believe her blood pressure is high. I'm hoping the GP can convince her to take the medication but there's little I can do regarding that.

Regarding carers, the plan I have in place with my sister, eliminates the need for carers. I'll organise another needs assessment when her condition changes to see if she needs further help.

Well this has come to a head and there is a lot of simmering tension waiting to boil over. My sister started telling me that my dinners aren't good enough and my mum was bored with them. She said that my mum had told her she's was bored which is bullshit. Firstly my mum loves what I cook and is always appreciative and secondly, she's got no clue what she's eaten five minutes after eating it. There's no way she'd say she was bored so my sister is just making stuff up. I told her I wasn't a fucking maid, which she found amusing.

Then my mum had a bit of a crisis regarding some banking that she didn't understand and my sister started shouting at me demanding to know what it was about. I told her it was none of her business and she stormed out slamming the door and we haven't spoken since.

I'm also fed up with the name calling, she keeps calling me a slag. Other choice words are mong and dick. Every time she does it I tell her not to call me names but she keeps doing it

She blamed me for my mum drinking alcohol even though she was there and is as much responsible for her as me. I can't wrestle the glass out of my mum's hand or tell her not to drink, she doesn't react well to it. She's also told me mum needs to do more activities but she already does quite a lot and rejects anything I suggest. She hasn't taken my mum out once since I've been here and barely spends any time with her. I haven't a clue where she gets her brass neck from

Anyway, I'm beyond my tolerance level and we're going to have a major falling out. But for now I'm just ignoring her.