Sister's attitude

[Sisterattitude]

I'm currently staying with my mum who has dementia. The reason I'm here is because of my sister's neglect. She's out a lot and didn't notice my mum's declining health.

Since I've been here my sister treats me like staff. She constantly criticises me and my efforts in taking care of my mum. I'm not being paid to look after my mum and see myself as helping out though I'm with her 24/7.

I cook and prepare all mum's meals. My sister doesn't approve of what I cook which are all very healthy. Lean meat, fish, lots of vegetables, salad etc the other night she looked at what I'd prepared and said that if she'd received that in a restaurant she'd send it back.

My sister doesn't lift a finger to support my mum, does nothing around the house and doesn't contribute towards rent or bills.shes out most nights and weekends and goes on lots of holidays. The caring is left to me.

When she gets in from work she quizzes my mum about what she's done and what she's eaten. If something has gone wrong she's very quick to blame me.

I'm fed up! What would you do?

I think you need to have a meeting with your sisters and point out your mum's deteriorating health and that she needs a bit more help now. Plan meals - ready meals are ok, have a board where you can write which meal to have each day and involve SS who may be able to give some help - e.g. visits at mealtimes, cleaning once a week etc. Really no excuse for the sister living with her not to clean fridge though.Doesn't take long! You could also organise a weekly/monthly food delivery from a local supermarket.

Tell her you're not her slave, can she please stop picking on you and if she doesn't want to help with mum would she prefer to handover p.o.a to you. The alternative is to just ignore her, pass pleasantries and concentrate on mum. Does anyone challenge her or has mum told her to help more and stop criticising everything.

Op when parents are sick I think all siblings react differently. We all moved in together when my dad was dying and reacted very differently. In the nicest possible way you use the word neglect in your op so your sister is probably automatically on edge because she sees you as blaming her. Some people check out because they’re in Denial at what ls happening, it definitely happened in our house and we definitely let a lot of things pass us by assuming old age, he’s under pressure etc before my nurse sister stepped in with help and reality. It’s just to give you another perspective

I would set up a group video call with all your siblings so everyone knows the situation and make a list between you of who can do what to help, food deliveries can be done by anyone online. If someone refuses to help there's not much you can do individually so you have to set a few rules. If sister is living free then you could all say she needs to start contributing. What does mum want you all to do. Is she happy for you to take the load and not be compensated financially.

This has all been organised. My sister is going to shop and batch cook.

My mum doesn't mention her lack of help but does want her to financially contribute. No one has challenged her and everyone seems desperate to keep the peace. Her behaviour is outrageous.

I've never mentioned my sister's behaviour to her nor her lack of care towards my mother. She acts like my mum's manager and treats me as though I'm accountable to her and work for her. I'm utterly fed up. My other sister was definitely in denial about my mum's condition.

My mum keeps asking me why I'm there. She wants to know why I'm staying in her house. As far as she's concerned there's nothing wrong with her. Although she wants my sister to contribute she doesn't want to ask her. I've worked out bills and rent and she's agreed on the amount but doesn't want to say anything. My sister can be intimidating.

This sounds like a difficult situation.

If your mum thinks there is nothing wrong with her (and this is common with people
with dementia) she won't want cleaners carers etc in.

It sounds like she's already asking why you are there.

If your mum doesn't have capacity then you don't have any say in what happens as there is poa and it doesn't lie with you.

If she does have capacity then she is allowed to choose what she wants to do and that includes not eating etc. (it can be very hard to get people with dementia to eat).

The best thing you can do is to accept that your sister's attitude is what it is. There might be reasons for it or there might not. But she is who she is.

You say you have been there since December. Are you able to stay or is this a temporary thing? Do you have your own family?

Being a carer for someone with dementia (sorting food deliveries, cooking etc) can be really time consuming and go on for many years. Is it your intention to stay there for as many years as your mum needs?

It's a very difficult situation, you're right. It's been a real struggle dealing with my mum's tantrums and mood swings. She doesn't appreciate anything I've done and believes I'm persecuting her via Drs appointments, hospital appointments, medication, social services assessments etc

Added to this is my sister's constant judgement and criticism. It wouldn't be so bad if she was helping or being supportive in any way, but she's not.

I've finally got everything sorted out and am leaving soon. It's most definitely a temporary situation. Her care will be reassessed as her condition changes.

My sister's bitterness seems to stem from me not doing enough. She thinks my mum needs accompanying everywhere but she doesn't, she's pretty independent out and about. She gets angry at me when my mum goes shopping as she wastes her money, but I can't physically restrain my mum and prevent her shopping, I can't stop her leaving the house . So my sister's expectations are unreasonable but she doesn't see that.

I don't have my own family but I'm not planning on staying for much longer.

Why were you estranged?

We fell out.

What do your other sisters think about the live-in sister sponging off your mother?

This could be financial abuse.

As far as I'm concerned it is financial abuse. It's taking advantage of someone with dementia. We weren't sure but have recently discovered that my suspicions are correct. My older sister thinks it's disgraceful and my other sister doesn't know, as far as I'm aware.

Your older sister has POA? Will she be taking any steps?

I'm not sure what she can do. My sister isn't taking money from my mum. Financial POA is another source of frustration. I keep telling my sisters to take over my mum's finances but they won't. I think they're worried about my mum's reaction.

If your mum has capacity, your sisters can’t enact POA. This is slightly separate though to your other sister living off her and possibly intimidating her to keep doing so, if I have understood your posts correctly? Your mum is still a vulnerable adult, and if this is what your sister is doing, it is a crime. You may be able to get some advice from a helpline, such as Age UK.

That's not strictly true. Financial POA can be enacted at any time. Welfare POA is enacted after loss of capacity. In my opinion, my mum doesn't have capacity. My mum can't look after her finances and my sistere should take control of them but they won't do it.

Living with your mum rent free isn't a 'crime'. She's not swindling my mum out of money or borrowing sums from her. I've been through my mum's bank statements going back a long time and nothing untoward is going on.

But your mum thinks she should be contributing and she isn’t. Sounds like abuse, possibly coercion, which is a crime

We'll have to agree to disagree here. Although I believe my sister is taking advantage, I don't see her actions as coercive or criminal. My mum likes having her in the house. I've gone through my mum's utilities and worked out half, I've added a couple of hundred on for rent. I need to work out a way of approaching my sister regarding this. My older sister thinks it's indecent but doesn't want to rock the boat. My mum doesn't want to bring it up. It's something I'm working on and will challenge before I leave.

If my sister was borrowing money or taking money, then I'd have challenged that immediately. My sister isn't purposefully intimidating my mum, she has a forceful personality and can be difficult.

Financial PoA can be enacted any time provided the right box has been ticked (do you know if it has?), and with the donor’s permission if they have capacity

I don't have POA for my mum. My sisters do. In my opinion, she doesn't have capacity to manage her finances. She took £20,000 out of her investments and forgot about it. She can't handle money. I've spoken to my sisters many times since I've been here about sorting out POA but they won't do it. They don't want to discuss it with her as she has tantrums when her independence is challenged.

I contacted the guardianship office and they said I need to get proof of lack of mental capacity. If I get proof of that then I have no say over my mother's care. At the moment, things aren't so bad that I want to challenge POA.

I don't know what the POA forms say as I don't have access to them.

You say your mum likes having her there. Well, that’s that then. She’s her daughter, living at home. She’s not stealing or borrowing excessively.

I think this is an extreme case of “swooping” as a pp said. You turn up, criticise (possibly quite correctly) that your mum needs more help, and - maybe - put the idea in your mum’s head that your sister should be contributing financially. So your sister is pissed. Big time. Especially since you say you were previously estranged.

Your mum sounds okay-ish for the time being, so I think so long as you have your other sister on board you need to leave. Beforehand you could suggest very strongly that you sisters have a non-confrontational meeting to discuss plans going forward.

If you don't think mum has capacity then you should rebook her capacity assessment, that's why she appointed your sisters, if they refuse to get involved then there's no point in having poa. I'd have thought not doing anything around the house, leaving food to go mouldy, going out all the time, having mum pay for everything is abuse and not in her best interests. If mum doesn't have capacity then you can apply for guardianship and that gives you authority over her care decisions,

You have quite the imagination. I haven't said anything to my sister. I haven't criticised her. No one has mentioned rent to her. My mum wants her to contribute financially.

Not really for you to tell me to leave, is it.