Sister's attitude

[Sisterattitude]

I'm currently staying with my mum who has dementia. The reason I'm here is because of my sister's neglect. She's out a lot and didn't notice my mum's declining health.

Since I've been here my sister treats me like staff. She constantly criticises me and my efforts in taking care of my mum. I'm not being paid to look after my mum and see myself as helping out though I'm with her 24/7.

I cook and prepare all mum's meals. My sister doesn't approve of what I cook which are all very healthy. Lean meat, fish, lots of vegetables, salad etc the other night she looked at what I'd prepared and said that if she'd received that in a restaurant she'd send it back.

My sister doesn't lift a finger to support my mum, does nothing around the house and doesn't contribute towards rent or bills.shes out most nights and weekends and goes on lots of holidays. The caring is left to me.

When she gets in from work she quizzes my mum about what she's done and what she's eaten. If something has gone wrong she's very quick to blame me.

I'm fed up! What would you do?

Who's house is it? I'm not being paid to look after my mum and see myself as helping out though I'm with her 24/7.
Have you been staying there long? What's the usual situation for looking after your mum?

It's my mum's house. No mortgage. There was no usual set up. I had no idea my mum's health had declined so much as I lived a long way away. I've been with her since December.

Does your sister live with your mum? What happened that made you move in - was there an incident?

My sister has lived with my mum for three years after a relationship breakup. I moved in as my mum had lost a lot of weight, her fridge was filthy full of out of date and mouldy food and couldn't shop or cook for herself. She doesn't eat or drink without prompting and was very down.

If your sister is normally looking after your mum and living with her, has she lied and said alls fine until you came down? When was the last time you saw her before this?
Being devil's advocate you see posts on here where 1 child lives with the parent and is stressed to max with caring then a sibling who lives far away and hasn't been involved swoop in and start issuing orders and the advice is usually to them to 'step back, take a break!'

My sister spends so little time at home, that she simply hadn't noticed my mum's decline in health. When she is at home, she spends her time drinking and watching Netflix. My mum's needs were being neglected.

She told me that my mum had lost a lot of weight and could no longer cook. When I suggested food deliveries she said there was no need. When I saw my mum she'd lost a few stone. My sister played no role in caring for her.

How did you find out about your mum being neglected, are there other relatives involved? As I understand it’s not your sister’s house - are you just saying nothing to her? Have either of you got Power of Attorney? If you are there temporarily, and your sister can’t provide any care, your mum will need residential care by the sounds of it.

Time to sell the house and get mum in a care home, sister will have to find her own place to live.

Second residential care.

I arranged a needs assessment with social services and contacted adult safeguarding. I've organised care in shopping, preparing meals and prompting for when I leave.

I don't have POA for finances or welfare, my sisters do. I found out about my mum's neglect when I stayed with her over Christmas. I'd wrongly assumed my sister was looking after her.

Mum needs a care assessment from her gp and a referral to social services plus a capacity assessment. Does anyone have p.o.a. and does mum have capacity. You can refer mum to adult social services and explain the situation about your sister living there rent free and neglecting mum.

If your sister lives there is she living with unhygienic cooking/kitchen facilities?
How is she managing her meals?

She eats out most nights and was getting food deliveries.

Saw your update. Your sister can have poa removed if she's not acting in mum best interest, you can contact the office of the public guardian. Has mum still got capacity, if not you can apply for deputyship

This has already been done.

My mum is quite independent and doesn't need residential care. Her only issues are shopping, finance, cooking and meal prompting. She needs assistance with medical appointments. She takes care of her own washing, personal care and light housework.

Sheltered housing with on-site warden?

I organised a mental capacity assessment with social services but cancelled it as if she failed, I would no longer have a say over my mum's care needs. My three sisters have POA not me.

But she's not managing these household tasks if her kitchen is as you say? What's your other sisters saying? And why were you only one not included as PoA?

She currently lives in a bungalow and her neighbours are all retirees. They seem to keep an eye on each other. In my opinion, my mum is currently fine where she is as long as her needs are met. I'll organise another needs assessment when she further declines.

I've cleaned up my mum's kitchen, sorted out her fridge. I take care of her shopping and meals. I've organised her utilities and finances. I've taken her to the GP and hospital appointments.

I've organised with my other sister to do her shopping and batch cook. I've found an organisation who can take her to medical appointments. I've been in contact with dementia crisis over her low mood. She's been discharged. I've spoken to safeguarding and social services a lot about her care. I've also been to her GP.

I have three sisters. The two who live locally to her are her financial POA. Three are welfare POA. I'm not POA because at the time my mum did it, we were estranged.

So all three of your sisters have apparently neglected her. Then you swoop in and take over. Seems a bit odd to me. How do you know that that they haven't tried to get her assistance?

One sister lives at the other side of the country and hasn't seen my mum in a few years. The other two are local and didn't notice my mum's decline. They both work full time.

Not sure what you're insinuating but this isn't AIBU.

What other advice would you like, if mum is able to .look after herself then she does need he,lp did she notice the mouldy food and the dirty fridge. Do you feel confident that she will be cared for now so you can leave or are you planning on staying. If mum has capacity then she or one of your siblings can pay you if they want to. Mum could also add you to the p.o.a. what have social services suggested for the future. If the capacity assessment has been cancelled then everyone will assume she has capacity and is making her own decisions, I would get that rebooted, a welfare p.o.a. is pointless without it.

I'm asking for advice on how to deal with my sister's attitude towards me