To not want to keep doing some kind of housework every time I visit my parents.

[Afternoonsnooze]

I know this isn’t AIBU (I’m too chicken to dip my toe in that area!).

Anyhow, I have posted before about my ongoing woes with my parents, particularly my dad, on MN a few times now but I’m still struggling.

Quick background….. I live not far from my parents house. My sister also lives very near by. My parents are very fortunate in the fact that both of their dc live a stones throw away from them and help them out on a very regular basis.

But tbh, it all got a bit too regular for my sanity and I had a kind of meltdown a short while ago.

Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2018. It took persuading my extremely stubborn father a long time for him to agree for us to arranging things such as POAs, a carer to come help in the morning to help mum wash and change and an afternoon at a day centre for mum to go to. Dad sees everything as a waste of money and for some reason seems to think we are all after his money (neither of us have ever, even once, asked for money from him, ever).

Dad has basically spent the last 6 years in denial with his head firmly shoved in the sand and a lot of the ‘help’ they receive has fallen into mine and my sister’s hands.
Tbh, up to recently most of it had been down to me because dsis works longer hours than me and kind of left me to it. However, a couple of months ago I ended up having a breakdown as I have my own health issues which are getting worse and the stress of trying to remember to do everything for my parents (life admin, laundry, changing beds, driving mum to day centre, doctor and hospital appo etc) and coping with my health issues was taking its toll on me.

The biggest issue that I have is the anger and resentment I hold inside of me because my dad is so damn tight-fisted which puts obstacles in the way all of the time. I appreciate he comes from a different era when it comes to spending money (they are early 80’s) and I know he worries about not having enough money for when mum will need to go into a home but the truth is that they have hundreds of thousands of pounds invested (via inheritance), literally enough to buy a 3 bed home AND have a lot of change left over. Yet he is so mean with their money and every thing is a battle…..EVERYTHING.

I have posted several times about this and had lots of helpful advice including taking a back seat from some of the responsibilities, calling SS for dad to have a carers assessment and getting dsis to do more.

After I had the breakdown a month or so ago (this was because on top of it all mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last month and my frazzled brain just decided to shut down from the stress of it all). So I took a back seat a little and handed all the life admin over to my dsis. At first she said she didn’t have the time to do it all (she does) but when I dug my heels in she has started doing those bits, which is helping me a little.

However, there are still so many things my dad isn’t doing and I’m finding myself still doing mum’s laundry several times a week (dad would rather be in the garden or shed than doing domestic chores). I do it because if not she won’t have any clean clothes to wear and he will happily (or obviously?) leave her in clothes with foods stains down them. Mum was so smartest and stylish, she would have never worn dirty clothes.
The truth is though that I have my own family and my own house work and chores to do. I also work as a PA for a disabled person so have to do their housework and I also clean for an elderly man. Tbh, the last thing I want to do when visiting my parents is to find the laundry basket brim full and end up doing more bloody boring household chores.

I know they are my parents and I love them dearly, I do all these things because my mum was a lovely mum and always looked after us so I do this for her but I’m getting to the point that I am absolutely dreading visiting them. I go around 4 times a week and I’m always having to check on stuff because I know he won’t have done it. My sister has messaged me today to say I need to get out all mum’s summer clothes out and says if I wash them today she will iron them but in all honesty I can’t be arsed. I’ve had a rough week with my chronic health issues and working and I want to relax today (and at the weekend).

I was supposed to pop over an hour ago but I’ve been putting it off as I know it’ll be the same old same. Me checking the state of the laundry basket, dad whinging on about the neighbours and all that’s wrong with the world and poor mum trying to keep up with the conversation and simultaneously talking about stuff in a muddled and totally incoherent way, them both talking at once and me going home with a splitting headache.

Just 7 years ago my mum would be out with friends or volunteering for the charity she helped, dad out on his motorbike or playing golf, never ever did I envisage this would become our life, how things can change so quickly.

Having elderly parents especially if one or both have dementia is bloody draining.

I don’t even know why I am (again!) posting about this, I suppose I just need somewhere to rant and hope someone on here will understand what this shitshow is like to live through?

I remember your other threads OP, and your Dad is clearly financially abusing your Mum. You and your sister HAVE to stop enabling him. Your Mum may suffer temporarily but sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.

They have the money to pay for cleaning/laundry/care and it's not your responsibility. You have to put yourself first here, no matter how hard, and get your sister on board too. Their choices shouldn't be your burdens to carry

The OPs parents are minted though. Her dad's just tight. Although if the OP has SW family members I don't understand why she hasn't asked for their help in getting things organised and where to push the wheel.

I think you need to stop wasting time and energy on trying to get domestic and care help from Social Services. I suspect it may be a subconscious delaying tactic on your part. Focus on what they can offer, e.g, home adaptations, OT input for walking aids, rise and recline chair etc.
Then you need to identify the donkey work and get someone else to do it. My DH has Parkinson's and we pay for carers every morning. They do all his washing, change bedding, manage his meds etc. I don't do any of that and I don't feel guilty.

Social services won't do anything, because your Dad is capable and has the resources to help your mum and himself butchoosesnot to

Would SS adopt the same attitude if it was a father of young children neglecting kids financially and emotionally. Particularly a disabled child.

If so surely its age discrimination which comes into play here

Totally different legislation and thresholds for intervention apply, nothing to do with age discrimination.

Attendance allowance would easily pay for 3 hours cleaning or more per week which could include laundry. My dh has just had to do the application for his parents (77 and 82, the 82 year old being quite unwell). It is a long application but you need to grit your teeth and get on with it. With the best will in the world, no one on Mumsnet is going to step in and do your parents' housework for them.

OP, you are burnt out and not in a position to care for your elderly parents, your sister works long hours and doesn’t have time, no one else is willing to help, and your father is too tight to pay for care preferring to run you into the ground, finally SS are not pulling their finger out to support a vulnerable adult.
Go to your doctor again and make sure it’s on your medical records that the lack of help with care for DM has tipped you over the edge and your mental health is in a critical state, you can no longer be a carer for your parents, and nor should you be pressured to be when you are vulnerable yourself.
Then contact the Safe Guarding Adult Team and report SS for not responding appropriately to the needs of your vulnerable DM and elderly DF. Make it clear to SGAT that you are under medical care for your mental health and that you are not in a position mentally to safely provide care for your parents, and there’s no one else available to help.
I wish you luck, it’s so very hard, I’ve been there!

Agree with all the others. Your Dad is the problem.

I made getting a cleaner non-negotiable.

"Do you value my time so little that you won't pay for a cleaner so I have to do it when we can get a cleaner for X amount".