To not want to keep doing some kind of housework every time I visit my parents.

[Afternoonsnooze]

I know this isn’t AIBU (I’m too chicken to dip my toe in that area!).

Anyhow, I have posted before about my ongoing woes with my parents, particularly my dad, on MN a few times now but I’m still struggling.

Quick background….. I live not far from my parents house. My sister also lives very near by. My parents are very fortunate in the fact that both of their dc live a stones throw away from them and help them out on a very regular basis.

But tbh, it all got a bit too regular for my sanity and I had a kind of meltdown a short while ago.

Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2018. It took persuading my extremely stubborn father a long time for him to agree for us to arranging things such as POAs, a carer to come help in the morning to help mum wash and change and an afternoon at a day centre for mum to go to. Dad sees everything as a waste of money and for some reason seems to think we are all after his money (neither of us have ever, even once, asked for money from him, ever).

Dad has basically spent the last 6 years in denial with his head firmly shoved in the sand and a lot of the ‘help’ they receive has fallen into mine and my sister’s hands.
Tbh, up to recently most of it had been down to me because dsis works longer hours than me and kind of left me to it. However, a couple of months ago I ended up having a breakdown as I have my own health issues which are getting worse and the stress of trying to remember to do everything for my parents (life admin, laundry, changing beds, driving mum to day centre, doctor and hospital appo etc) and coping with my health issues was taking its toll on me.

The biggest issue that I have is the anger and resentment I hold inside of me because my dad is so damn tight-fisted which puts obstacles in the way all of the time. I appreciate he comes from a different era when it comes to spending money (they are early 80’s) and I know he worries about not having enough money for when mum will need to go into a home but the truth is that they have hundreds of thousands of pounds invested (via inheritance), literally enough to buy a 3 bed home AND have a lot of change left over. Yet he is so mean with their money and every thing is a battle…..EVERYTHING.

I have posted several times about this and had lots of helpful advice including taking a back seat from some of the responsibilities, calling SS for dad to have a carers assessment and getting dsis to do more.

After I had the breakdown a month or so ago (this was because on top of it all mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last month and my frazzled brain just decided to shut down from the stress of it all). So I took a back seat a little and handed all the life admin over to my dsis. At first she said she didn’t have the time to do it all (she does) but when I dug my heels in she has started doing those bits, which is helping me a little.

However, there are still so many things my dad isn’t doing and I’m finding myself still doing mum’s laundry several times a week (dad would rather be in the garden or shed than doing domestic chores). I do it because if not she won’t have any clean clothes to wear and he will happily (or obviously?) leave her in clothes with foods stains down them. Mum was so smartest and stylish, she would have never worn dirty clothes.
The truth is though that I have my own family and my own house work and chores to do. I also work as a PA for a disabled person so have to do their housework and I also clean for an elderly man. Tbh, the last thing I want to do when visiting my parents is to find the laundry basket brim full and end up doing more bloody boring household chores.

I know they are my parents and I love them dearly, I do all these things because my mum was a lovely mum and always looked after us so I do this for her but I’m getting to the point that I am absolutely dreading visiting them. I go around 4 times a week and I’m always having to check on stuff because I know he won’t have done it. My sister has messaged me today to say I need to get out all mum’s summer clothes out and says if I wash them today she will iron them but in all honesty I can’t be arsed. I’ve had a rough week with my chronic health issues and working and I want to relax today (and at the weekend).

I was supposed to pop over an hour ago but I’ve been putting it off as I know it’ll be the same old same. Me checking the state of the laundry basket, dad whinging on about the neighbours and all that’s wrong with the world and poor mum trying to keep up with the conversation and simultaneously talking about stuff in a muddled and totally incoherent way, them both talking at once and me going home with a splitting headache.

Just 7 years ago my mum would be out with friends or volunteering for the charity she helped, dad out on his motorbike or playing golf, never ever did I envisage this would become our life, how things can change so quickly.

Having elderly parents especially if one or both have dementia is bloody draining.

I don’t even know why I am (again!) posting about this, I suppose I just need somewhere to rant and hope someone on here will understand what this shitshow is like to live through?

Oh and SS aren’t helpful at all. I asked them to come do a carer’s assessment for dad, they took down all the info I’ve given them and have now put him on a waiting list for a telephone assessment stating that’s the best they can do and be prepared because it’ll be months away - so very helpful!

So don't go. Tell your sister you're not going and she can do it.

You're at burnout OP. Be selfish for once.

SS are being like that because they can sniff out a committed family member a mile off. Update them and tell them they're on their own and it's on their heads now.

Your dad is refusing to do it.

Either because he doesn't care or because he thinks it's women's work or for any of a multitude of reasons.

You need to decide how important it is to you.

You work, you have chronic health issues.

Your dad is not going to change.

You need to make the choices you are happy with. If to you it is important your mum has clean and ironed clothes then you need to prioritise that. If it's more important you look after your health then prioritise that.

You can't do everything. You can't have everything you want. So you need to make choices and accept the consequences.

I know you said your dad doesn’t want to spend money but could you work on getting him to agree to a home help who does the washing, ironing and cooking and cleaning? There are plenty of people in our area offering services like this for say 3 hours a day. I know it’s not ideal but it would take the pressure off.
Any chance you and your sister could split the cost and reclaim from the estate if he wont?
The only other option is to stop doing it all. Maybe call your Dad and say you are too poorly to come today and start reducing the visits?

Get your sister on board, and tell your dad he needs some domestic help, you/sister are prepared to organise it, but he will have to pay for it as neither of you can look after them anymore without it making you ill.
I my experience, and that of friends, it's only when the chips are down and parents realise they can't rely on their adult children, they actually accept outside help

Please don't be critical of social workers. They can't help because they have too much to do and not enough resources. Not because they don't want to help.

What are you hoping to get from the carers assessment? I don't mean that rudely just trying to understand what help you are wanting/needing from it. With that kind of money your parents will be self funding.

Is mum claiming attendance allowance? Is dad getting the single person discount on council tax (having completed an SMI form for mum?)

I also had a breakdown while caring for my Mum with dementia. I didn’t feel like it was looking after her that did it more everything just got on top of me plus an unwise friendship with someone who was unstable and abusive.
i was straight back to caring for Mum after a stay in a mental hospital but like you I was holding a lot of resentment and tension inside which is not healthy. It has made me ill in the long run too and forcing me to consider myself more.

I remember you posting before and I'm so sorry to hear that you've been ill. If you're the same person, I remember suggesting that you should contact social services because your mother is being abused by your father - financial abuse, emotional abuse and neglect. Would she be better off in a care home?

For starters, if you dry the clothes in the dryer, they really don’t need to be ironed. That would be a massive amount of effort saved. The financial cost will shift to your parents as it should.

really the only way this stops is if you refuse to do the work and just keep repeating that you will help them find services to complete the domestic labor. So you are still on the hook for the admin, but not the physical labor.

Your call to SS should be to report elder abuse and the coercive control and financial abuse by your father towards your mother. Not to ask for a carer's assessment.
Your mother is a vulnerable person and needs protection.

My late FiL was very stubborn and refused carers etc but couldn’t see that 4 visits a day from his ds, my DH, with me accompanying 3 visits a day was not sustainable. Money was not an issue.
In the end I, with my DH’s agreement, was very firm and told him that we were engaging carers a few times a week. We had PoA which made things much easier.
Your DP’s are likely to need increasing amounts of care and support. In order to maintain a relationship of love as opposed to resentment you need to impose boundaries now.
Would your DSis support you with engaging help and, importantly, telling your DF this is what will be happening going forward.
You cannot continue like this and nor should you.
Genuinely, employ care/domestic support and enjoy time with your DM - maybe even take her out for a cuppa somewhere rather than being snowed under with additional domestic crap.

You need to get outside help and take a step back. You need to insist your parents pay for outside help.

I know you feel obligated (I have been there) but this is obviously causing you so much in terms of MH breakdown, it's not sustainable. You need to get social services involved and say to them you're not available.

Please don't be critical of social workers. They can't help because they have too much to do and not enough resources. Not because they don't want to help.

I am a social worker and it IS completely shit and perfectly okay to say so though - the public should complain and loudly if they want things to change. That isn't insulting individual workers. I agree with the poster above - if SS can force family into managing, they will because of the limited resource landscape.

You have posted before, and you have been told what to do countless times.

Your mother is being seriously abused and neglected at the hands of your father and you and your sister have allowed this to go on for years. You have POA, and for some reason, apparently because you don't want to deal with your father's tantrums, refuse to use it and protect your mother from his abuse.

I really don't understand what else you're looking for. You have the answer you need in order to protect your mother and get out from being your father's skivvy.

You are doing too much, OP.

Your parents need a PA, similar to the job you do. You also mention that you clean for an elderly man - is that paid work too? Bring responsible for 4 households, only one of which is salaried is enough to drive anyone mad.

Drop the rope. See what else you can delegate to kids and partners in your house, get home help in for your parents and focus on yourself.

Take the clothes to the laundrette and tell Dad he will need to pay. Or tell Dsis that clothes don't need ironing (they don't) and she can wash them instead.
You can't continue like this OP. It is not sustainable. My heart goes out to you

Well if you have posted before, it does sound like you're in a bad way and sound like you feel obligated for some reason.

I do feel, tho, that you can and have to find another way out of this and the way is to take a step back and put it on private agencies or getting ss involvement.

They may be eligible for attendance allowance and could use that to pay for carers to help with household tasks and a gardener.

Age UK have people that will visit and help complete the forms in some areas, worth calling them to find out what is available locally to them.

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/benefits-entitlements/attendance-allowance/

You are a Saint OP - really I mean that! But you HAVE to prioritise yourself. You can't keep juggling all these balls as you have been doing. Looking after yourself by pulling back on chores for your parents is an absolute must. Take care now won't you.

Yep l have definitely seen this post before. Follow the previous advice given and have sky high boundaries. Or your dad and to a degree your sister will continue to take the piss. Personally l would love to be in the garden but yeah there are chores l need to do first

You have posted about this lots. You’ve been advised to report your concerns to adult safegaurding, stop doing all the jobs and get some counselling for yourself.

I know you would like there to be another solution but there isn’t and you can’t change the behaviour of others only your own.

To be blunt, your father is the problem, why are you covering up for him?

It is so tough OP. The emotional burden in itself can be traumatising.

Does your Mum get Attendance Allowance? She should be eligible. I know your Dad would resist but it could go towards a carer who would do your Mum’s laundry. Hopefully you and your sister could firmly tell your Dad that you cannot take on the amount you are doing, and that extra help is needed.

Don't run yourself ragged to make for a lazy arsed bloke who doesn't seem to care, even if it is your dad.