To not want to keep doing some kind of housework every time I visit my parents.

[Afternoonsnooze]

I know this isn’t AIBU (I’m too chicken to dip my toe in that area!).

Anyhow, I have posted before about my ongoing woes with my parents, particularly my dad, on MN a few times now but I’m still struggling.

Quick background….. I live not far from my parents house. My sister also lives very near by. My parents are very fortunate in the fact that both of their dc live a stones throw away from them and help them out on a very regular basis.

But tbh, it all got a bit too regular for my sanity and I had a kind of meltdown a short while ago.

Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2018. It took persuading my extremely stubborn father a long time for him to agree for us to arranging things such as POAs, a carer to come help in the morning to help mum wash and change and an afternoon at a day centre for mum to go to. Dad sees everything as a waste of money and for some reason seems to think we are all after his money (neither of us have ever, even once, asked for money from him, ever).

Dad has basically spent the last 6 years in denial with his head firmly shoved in the sand and a lot of the ‘help’ they receive has fallen into mine and my sister’s hands.
Tbh, up to recently most of it had been down to me because dsis works longer hours than me and kind of left me to it. However, a couple of months ago I ended up having a breakdown as I have my own health issues which are getting worse and the stress of trying to remember to do everything for my parents (life admin, laundry, changing beds, driving mum to day centre, doctor and hospital appo etc) and coping with my health issues was taking its toll on me.

The biggest issue that I have is the anger and resentment I hold inside of me because my dad is so damn tight-fisted which puts obstacles in the way all of the time. I appreciate he comes from a different era when it comes to spending money (they are early 80’s) and I know he worries about not having enough money for when mum will need to go into a home but the truth is that they have hundreds of thousands of pounds invested (via inheritance), literally enough to buy a 3 bed home AND have a lot of change left over. Yet he is so mean with their money and every thing is a battle…..EVERYTHING.

I have posted several times about this and had lots of helpful advice including taking a back seat from some of the responsibilities, calling SS for dad to have a carers assessment and getting dsis to do more.

After I had the breakdown a month or so ago (this was because on top of it all mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last month and my frazzled brain just decided to shut down from the stress of it all). So I took a back seat a little and handed all the life admin over to my dsis. At first she said she didn’t have the time to do it all (she does) but when I dug my heels in she has started doing those bits, which is helping me a little.

However, there are still so many things my dad isn’t doing and I’m finding myself still doing mum’s laundry several times a week (dad would rather be in the garden or shed than doing domestic chores). I do it because if not she won’t have any clean clothes to wear and he will happily (or obviously?) leave her in clothes with foods stains down them. Mum was so smartest and stylish, she would have never worn dirty clothes.
The truth is though that I have my own family and my own house work and chores to do. I also work as a PA for a disabled person so have to do their housework and I also clean for an elderly man. Tbh, the last thing I want to do when visiting my parents is to find the laundry basket brim full and end up doing more bloody boring household chores.

I know they are my parents and I love them dearly, I do all these things because my mum was a lovely mum and always looked after us so I do this for her but I’m getting to the point that I am absolutely dreading visiting them. I go around 4 times a week and I’m always having to check on stuff because I know he won’t have done it. My sister has messaged me today to say I need to get out all mum’s summer clothes out and says if I wash them today she will iron them but in all honesty I can’t be arsed. I’ve had a rough week with my chronic health issues and working and I want to relax today (and at the weekend).

I was supposed to pop over an hour ago but I’ve been putting it off as I know it’ll be the same old same. Me checking the state of the laundry basket, dad whinging on about the neighbours and all that’s wrong with the world and poor mum trying to keep up with the conversation and simultaneously talking about stuff in a muddled and totally incoherent way, them both talking at once and me going home with a splitting headache.

Just 7 years ago my mum would be out with friends or volunteering for the charity she helped, dad out on his motorbike or playing golf, never ever did I envisage this would become our life, how things can change so quickly.

Having elderly parents especially if one or both have dementia is bloody draining.

I don’t even know why I am (again!) posting about this, I suppose I just need somewhere to rant and hope someone on here will understand what this shitshow is like to live through?

This sounds harsh but it's correct.
You say "I have posted several times about this and had lots of helpful advice including taking a back seat from some of the responsibilities". This is what you should do.

Your father has a lot of money and should be using it for his wife's care, not using his daughters as unpaid skivvies. But as long as you do the skivvying he'll carry on. Your priority should be your own family and preserving your health.

Is there another family member who could lay it on the line to your father? A male one that is, he might listen to a man.

It isn't even a little harsh given how the op's poor mother is being treated. The father is a fucking monster, always has been, and the mother is suffering. This ALL could have been rectified years ago, but the op has refused to use the POA to right the situation.

Do you actually have POA or it's just set up and in place to use should your Dad become incompetent?

If you have it, use it.
If you don't, then step back and insist on what's needed.
Or put your mum in a home and the cost of that should wake your father up to the considerably lower costs of a part time housekeeper

This is a horrible way to spend the last few years of your mum's life. Don't let him abuse you all.

In case it's helpful - from my own experience.

A few years ago a parent had health problems and I was getting anxious about what support I would be able to provide in addition to my other work/family responsibilities.

I had a conversation with my brother which I found utterly illuminating. His suggestion was- don't even try to meet all of their needs. If they can't cope themselves - they need to fail (!) because that will help them to accept that they need outside help and seek it.

I was blown away! How could my brother be so cold? And then I wondered. How is he so good at having boundaries? How is he not feeling remotely responsible for nurturing our parents? Which of us is right? (Neither/both) What can I learn from him? (A lot)

My sister insists on doing their cleaning once a week but tbh sometimes it’s only once a fortnight as she doesn’t always have the time to do it.
She has her own cleaning business so insists she does it and I leave that up to her.
If she didn’t do it dad wouldn’t agree to have a cleaner in, he thinks that’s a waste of money yet only does the absolute basics, ie stack the dishwasher and run a cloth over the countertops every now and then. It’s a constant battle. Even if we arranged for someone he would turn them away.

I said SS I did not run down any social worker. I have family members who are social workers so am fully aware of their daily struggles.

refuse to go and report your parents to social services, who will have to step in.

Tbh, I am hoping that having someone outside of the family explaining to my dad that he needs help may actually kickstart him into realising this.

Sometimes it falls on deaf ears when it comes from direct family, I’m hoping he’ll see that his rainy day has now arrived and some of that money he has been squirrelling away needs to be used now. He just will not listen to us and thinks we are interfering.

Mum gets AA which covers the carer’s one hour a day visit and an afternoon at the day centre. Dad does get the council tax discount. I have made sure they have everything they are entitled to.

kerstina I am so sorry that has happened to you. It is so damn hard isn’t it? The resentment is absolutely having a negative impact on my mental and physical health right now.

Shetlands It was probably me, yes. I have tried and tried to get ss to see that if it wasn’t for my sister and I mum’s care would be minimal but here we are, stuck on a waiting list. I have been trying to get mum into respite care to show dad how good a care home could be for her, again, constant battle.

endofthelinefinally I explained everything to them, that was their solution, a carers assessment. I didn’t actually ask for that, I asked for help with the situation.

caramac04 this is what I’ve been aiming for but my sister isn’t always on my side, I think because I’ve done so much up to now she hasn’t had the full brunt of the stress from it. Now that I’ve taken a bit of a back seat so to speak she is finding it more stressful than before so she may be on my side a bit more from now on. I’m trying to get the carer to come in the evenings to to help. Ideally we would be getting a cleaner in too but dsis is insisting she can still do that, well that’s up to her.

FixItUpChappie Thank you. I would never run down a sw. I know you are all under so much pressure.

What if you start small? Only wash your mum's clothes and leave dad's until he is inconvenienced. Or does he wash his own clothes already and leave your mum's?

I don't iron ever.

SS are being like that because they can sniff out a committed family member a mile off.

SS are being like this because they have bugger all to offer any more. I resigned from my 25 year career as a SW because the job of helping people to find the care they need had changed into assessing the life out of people whilst knowing that no help would be forthcoming. I could not reconcile it with my conscience any more.

I have had contact with SS from the other side of the fence now when my late OH needed help. The biggest joke was the carer's assessment which is undertaken under false pretenses, which they admitted in the end - however clear it was that my disabilities made it impossible to care for my OH unaided, the assessment did not result in any sort of help at all. It made me mad, as I was in on the inception the Carers' Act and it was a brilliant breakthrough.

Social workers' only role now is as a financial gatekeeper for the local authority, which is cash-strapped. That was not what I trained for or what I wanted to do.

This. You have POA you get the help it. A cleaner / housekeeper / carer two hours every afternoon, a gardener once a week, a weekly online shop once a week etc

You can pay to put your mother in a home away from him etc

Op, I've read your previous posts. This sounds like an awful situation and you have my sympathy, but I agree with pps - you have the answers to protect your mum from your dad's actions/inaction, and you are choosing not to act on that. I get that it's hard. But you are being forced through no fault of your own to make decisions here, and you are deciding to allow your mum to continue like this. You need to stand up for her, as I'm sure she stood up for your best interests in the past. You are not going to get any new answers from these threads. x

This. The fact he is hindering/preventing her getting the proper care (and refusing to pay for it) she needs to remain healthy and looked after is a safeguarding issue. She is a vulnerable person and he is putting her at risk by not allowing their money to be used for care that she needs.

You absolutely cannot go on like this- you will end up having another break down if you continue to be everything to everyone. Submit a safeguarding to Adult social care and tell them exactly what you've told us.

You cant do what you cant do- you arent going to be any good to anyone if you work yourself int the ground. You have to say no. For your own sake and for hers. Sometimes things need to come to a head before they are sorted out.

I had a similar suggestion to this from a dr from a Memory clinic. He told me to just get on with my own life as he knew what it was like with his own Mother!
I understand more now what he was getting at now but I have always been very close to my Mum and was never going to not support her but she could never accept that she needed more help as I was doing it all.

Oh this has been suggested before? I completely agree OP. You seem to be looking for some kind of magical solution that doesnt exist. Going down the safeguarding route is the ONLY way to fix this. If you wont do that then noone can help you I'm afraid...

I'm glad that a social worker has posted, to be honest.

In our recent experience, it really is only when family stop doing things (or it gets beyond the point that they can cope with the demands), that SS have to step up. Until crisis point is reached, the family members are expected to do it, and you have to push and push and push. In our case it was only because it would have involved an unsafe discharge from hospital that SS did a care needs assessment and put things in place with carers etc.

I have seen carers driven to strokes, heart attacks and mental breakdown due to the stress of looking after elderly, sick parents. It is happening to a friend right now.
You have to report this and let the authorities deal with it.

From what OP has said though, her father wouldn't let them in. I understand that dilemma, because I had a family member who had carer visits arranged, and after a few visits wouldn't let them in the house.

This is your come to jesus moment for your dad, be very upfront and ask him what at 80 odd is he hoarding money for?? What's his plan?
We had this with an elderly relative, living in poverty and had loads in the bank, never went a holiday or treated himself, died still living like a miser, so what's the point in the savings if no good is got from them.

You and your sister need to be hard hearted and withdraw for a week or so, let him see how much you do.
They need a cleaner/homehelp, it's too much for you both.

I think Îd ask to see your mum’s GP and explain the situation and ask if there’s anything they can advise/ do to help .

If you have POA can you separate your mums finances from your dads? If she has her own income and savings does any go towards household costs and is any left over? You could get her AA and any pension paid into a separate account that you and DSIS control and can use for your mums benefit? I know that's only a part of the battle if your dad is going to turn people away but perhaps you can time with your visits so you or sis can let them in to clean or pick up ironing etc?

The op could get her mother into a care home where she would be properly looked after. The op could report her father to SS and the police for his abuse and try to get him removed from the home. She hasn't.

You've had lots of advice already.

Your Dad doesn't care about you or your mum, just himself. That won't change.

Social services won't do anything, because your Dad is capable and has the resources to help your mum and himself but chooses not to.

You don't have to do their cleaning or laundry. He can employ a cleaner, helper, carer if he wants.

He'll never change, and things won't change unless you stop doing what you've always done.

There is no advice anyone can give on here that they haven't already given in your previous threads.

This is on your Dad, not anyone else. He's blocking your mum accessing her own money to meet her needs, while meeting every one of his own desires, at the expense of all the women in his life.
You have POA - you can use it to protect your Mum. Your abusive Dad will never step up of change.