Hi
I'm a 45 year old woman in a relationship of 12 years. My mum lost my Dad over 4 years ago, quite suddenly. It was not long after they both relocated to be nearer to me and my partner. It was a shock for my Mum for his sudden passing. They did everything together. It was heart breaking for Mum, naturally. She moved here, not only for them to be closer to us, but also for my Dad to see new things with her together. He was getting a bit depressed, so was looking forward to seeing new things together.
Mum is naturally lost without him. She grieved quite privately all through the immediate lockdown just after he'd past, but refused to stay with us and I respected that. I did, however, go to do her shopping and sat outside in her garden whilst i talked to her through the door. She did, however, stay with us for the second lockdown, which of course we wanted for her.
It has been four years now. I go to visit my mum every Wednesday I have off from work. I also have her over my house every weekend from Friday evening to Monday morning. My partner is extremely patient, kind and welcoming to her.
When she comes around, at times she can be nice and courteous, but sometimes she says things that can be a little rude and nasty. Mainly flippant comments. She will sometimes critise the things I do, or she will do it better, or just give unsolicited advice. To take for example, to do with washing dishes. She doesn't understand why I don't use the washing bowl in the sink. I explained that I can't fit everything in there and that i'm happy as it is, but she still did it. She also has changed the toilet roll around to the way she likes it. I just put it back, then she does it again. I do understand that this behaviour is coming from a place of trying to find her place within our family dynamic, but it's getting a little exhausting.
My partner and my mum have always shared some light hearted banter, but recently she has been saying quite snide comments. A couple of weeks ago it was about my partners lack of DIY skills, another time 'he watches too much football', and 'he should go in the other room'. She will make remarks on the tv about people, about the way they dress, or how they speak in a derogatory manner.
I don't recall my Mum being like this when she was younger, and I wonder if it's an age thing, or something else. To do with the constant advice giving, I know she did like to micro manage my father, so in replacement I presume she's doing that.
As it's been four years, and we have given Mum lots of care and attention, we feel that we should scale back the amount of time Mum spends at ours. We have tried to encourage her to join a group, to meet new people. My mum's excuses have been numerous. The most recent response when I tried to encourage her to go to a coffee morning was 'I don't want anyone taking over my life?' When I suggest her to perhaps find a new thing she'd like to do she says that 'she's not interested in anything'. If I push any more, she gets moody and says 'I will do things in my own time'. When I've said my partner and I are going to learn archery she replied she'd love to go, to which she did. We feel like we are baby sitting her and are a bit exacerbated by it all.
We are going to ask her if she could come on a Saturday morning and stay till Sunday evening, as the days are getting longer (she won't drive at night)
I will still see her on a Wednesday afternoon still, but I can't help feeling guilty with this reduction in the weekend. She does visit my aunt who relocated to where I live from Spain a couple of years ago on a Tuesday, or vise versa. I just can't seem to try to get her carve herself a bit more of a social life for herself. It hurts to think she is maybe sitting alone on a Friday night.
I guess I'm on here trying to find out if I'm being a bad daughter. I'd like advice on how to deal with her inflammatory remarks to my partner.
Thank you for reading this very long message. Hopefully you got to the end and have some pearls of wisdom
Best Wishes
Nadia