Widowed Mum - Setting Boundaries

[nadia2024]

Hi

I'm a 45 year old woman in a relationship of 12 years. My mum lost my Dad over 4 years ago, quite suddenly. It was not long after they both relocated to be nearer to me and my partner. It was a shock for my Mum for his sudden passing. They did everything together. It was heart breaking for Mum, naturally. She moved here, not only for them to be closer to us, but also for my Dad to see new things with her together. He was getting a bit depressed, so was looking forward to seeing new things together.

Mum is naturally lost without him. She grieved quite privately all through the immediate lockdown just after he'd past, but refused to stay with us and I respected that. I did, however, go to do her shopping and sat outside in her garden whilst i talked to her through the door. She did, however, stay with us for the second lockdown, which of course we wanted for her.

It has been four years now. I go to visit my mum every Wednesday I have off from work. I also have her over my house every weekend from Friday evening to Monday morning. My partner is extremely patient, kind and welcoming to her.

When she comes around, at times she can be nice and courteous, but sometimes she says things that can be a little rude and nasty. Mainly flippant comments. She will sometimes critise the things I do, or she will do it better, or just give unsolicited advice. To take for example, to do with washing dishes. She doesn't understand why I don't use the washing bowl in the sink. I explained that I can't fit everything in there and that i'm happy as it is, but she still did it. She also has changed the toilet roll around to the way she likes it. I just put it back, then she does it again. I do understand that this behaviour is coming from a place of trying to find her place within our family dynamic, but it's getting a little exhausting.

My partner and my mum have always shared some light hearted banter, but recently she has been saying quite snide comments. A couple of weeks ago it was about my partners lack of DIY skills, another time 'he watches too much football', and 'he should go in the other room'. She will make remarks on the tv about people, about the way they dress, or how they speak in a derogatory manner.

I don't recall my Mum being like this when she was younger, and I wonder if it's an age thing, or something else. To do with the constant advice giving, I know she did like to micro manage my father, so in replacement I presume she's doing that.

As it's been four years, and we have given Mum lots of care and attention, we feel that we should scale back the amount of time Mum spends at ours. We have tried to encourage her to join a group, to meet new people. My mum's excuses have been numerous. The most recent response when I tried to encourage her to go to a coffee morning was 'I don't want anyone taking over my life?' When I suggest her to perhaps find a new thing she'd like to do she says that 'she's not interested in anything'. If I push any more, she gets moody and says 'I will do things in my own time'. When I've said my partner and I are going to learn archery she replied she'd love to go, to which she did. We feel like we are baby sitting her and are a bit exacerbated by it all.

We are going to ask her if she could come on a Saturday morning and stay till Sunday evening, as the days are getting longer (she won't drive at night)

I will still see her on a Wednesday afternoon still, but I can't help feeling guilty with this reduction in the weekend. She does visit my aunt who relocated to where I live from Spain a couple of years ago on a Tuesday, or vise versa. I just can't seem to try to get her carve herself a bit more of a social life for herself. It hurts to think she is maybe sitting alone on a Friday night.

I guess I'm on here trying to find out if I'm being a bad daughter. I'd like advice on how to deal with her inflammatory remarks to my partner.

Thank you for reading this very long message. Hopefully you got to the end and have some pearls of wisdom

Best Wishes

Nadia

It sounds like you have gone above and beyond for your mum, but it does seem that she is using you as a crutch and it's become a hindrance to her gaining her independence. My mum lost my dad not long before covid and it was hard on her. I have tried to be there for her as much as I can and in the beginning we spent a lot of time together. Over lockdown I would visit in the garden and do shopping too. In our case we never had space for her to move in with us, we also have kids. As time has gone on we still see my mum regularly, but we don't have any set arrangements every weekend with her. You need a life of your own too, so perhaps it would be a good idea to slowly become a bit more busy. Plan things with friends on the weekends. It may seem unkind, but if she doesn't have you as a crutch she may find things to do herself on the weekend. Because we are busy with kid stuff and general life, my mum has been pushed in a way to get out there and make friends. She has connected with a few who have also lost husbands and so they understand each other. They can help her in ways that I can't. When we were seeing a lot of my mum our relationship felt strained as she can be critical and judgemental. I feel our relationship is better with a little bit of distance.

Just read your update after posting, I'm glad the chat went well. Hopefully going forward things will become easier.

Well done OP. I hope your mum allows herself to live a little and move forward and you do the same this change will ultimately benefit you all.

Unfortunately both my mum and MIL both in 80’s are still heavily dependent on adult children for all social and any entertainment.

My DM has my brother living with her expects everyone to visit her. She is pleasant company she complains its long days keeping herself busy while DB works part time for 4 hours 4 days a week!! She complains she hasn’t seen anyone and hasn’t done anything but knocks back almost all offers and suggestions.

MIL goes to SIL’s house practically in the same way as your DM does Friday tea time until either Sunday afternoon or evening or Monday morning 95% of the time unless they are on holiday abroard. SIL’s partner has the patience of a saint. MIL moans if they go out together on a country walk for a few hours or if they get her an M&S meal very occasionally and go out for an anniversary or valentines its not healthy but hard to break as its been going on for almost 6 years and MIL’s health is declining now mid 80’s. She is very lucky to have this arrangement but never sounds very appreciative of it.

Nothing's exactly wrong with it, and I do meet people like me. But I don't just want to meet people like me. And I'm sorry to say it, but I'm finding that it's very difficult to get conversation with a lot of my peers away from their worries about their aging parents/their adult kids/ their health etc etc. And I don't want to talk about my loss (which isn't massively recent) or theirs. I also miss chatting with the male halves of couples.

I crave cheerful, positive and interesting conversation, and meeting and chatting with younger people is generally much more stimulating and upbeat*.

• Obviously NAOP and NAYP

Difficulty making friends isn't a preserve of the old. Look at the number of women on here who are working full time with teenage chidlren and older parents. How many of them are saying their friendships have waned due to lack of time and energy?

With friendships, it is good to adopt the mindset that it is continual process. Friends don't always last forever. People lose interest, get busy, move away, die (god forbid), etc. That's why it's so important to keep putting yourself out there.

I also think group activities like hobby groups, WI and Day Centres are great because you just pitch up and join in. If someone chooses not to go or give up you're not directly affected as that's their choice.

Also volunteering where the volunteer demographic is varied if you don't want to be stuck with the oldies who are fixated on their woes.

We used to have mum over on Sundays every Sunday. Several times during the week I would meet her for lunch or DH and I would take her out shopping or for the evening. She suddenly it seemed became unpleasant making comment uncalled for comments. We discovered she had some short term memory loss and was talking a lot a out her childhood. Yes she had
alzheimer's disease. It was very sad but a relief to know it was not my mum. The lock down accelerated the disease and we lost her 💔. Get your mum checked out.

This can be so hard OP, I know because I have been there. A few thoughts though: your Mum doesn't have to do anything else at the weekend, she can just be at home by herself. I would book a weekend away for you and DH if you can and tell her you're going - but don't let her muscle in (like you did the archery!) Say to her clearly "No mum, DH and I want to spend some time together with just us". She may start to get the message. Take other opportunities to reinforce that you and DH and doing something just with the 2 of you. If she complains she is lonely ask her what else she'd like to do - that may be the time to suggest other activities if she won't do anything now.

My Mum would also snidely criticise my DH at times (usually around he should dress better, he should get up earlier on his day off, he should do more gardening). When this got a bit too much I was pretty sharp with her and said something along the lines of "Please don't criticise DH in any way, he is very good to me and I really appreciate him" or "Don't talk about DH like that, don't think you can criticise him to me because I won't have it". This did stop her.

I don't think OP has said how old her mother is.

If OP is 45, I guess DM could be anything from 60s to 80s. Unless she is at the very top end of that age range, she really does need to get out there and rebuild a life of her own, as the OP and her DH cannot be her only source of social interaction for the next 20 years.

You need to stick to your guns and be (possibly) cruel (in her view) to be kind, rather than staying stuck in a rut which will slowly poison your relationship with your DM and probably also your DH.

Sounds like you've hopefully got sorted. Why don't you read the aunt in, by your using your partners wording. She might be happy for additional company, even the suggested "group joining." Your Mum mightn't feel so "out of place."

Good god you’re a saint. I would kill my mother if she had to come stay with me for any length of time on a regular basis.

It is a really tough situation you’re in. It is hard to set boundaries and change things once they have been the same way for a while.

Similarly my mil is a widow. We have found the best thing is to ask other people to ask her to do things with them. We still have her round for tea a minimum of three nights a week and her just daughter has her for tea once a week (she lives 40 minutes drive or two buses away and we live a round the corner walk away).

My mum takes my mil to some oap exercise classes - she has made some friends there and they have coffee afterwards. Mil will now go on her own without my mum.

A lady round the corner from me takes mil to a soup lunch once a month. They have now booked a coach holiday together.

My auntie is also a widow and we introduced them and they get together frequently. They go to the theatre together.

I think what I’m suggesting is that you get other people to make the suggestions and invite her places. It might seem better coming from them and less like you want some time without her - which it is totally fine to want and perfectly reasonable but could be a sore subject with her.

good luck!

Can you say you are going to a club or event, let her invite herself along, then once she's comfortable in the group, leave her to it? Like a knitting club or sports thing or whatever.

I think you need to tell her your husband and you need some private time together on weekends - and carve out more than just one night. Your hubby is a saint!

You and your partner sound very kind people

Your mother doesn’t create her own life because she doesn’t have to; you’ve taken on the role. Let her figure out her own weekend activities. Maybe continue the Wednesdays, and change the weekends to a Saturday or Sunday brunch. I wouldn’t have her stay over at all unless she was unwell and needed care.

Wow, you made a rod for your back. Because right now you're enabling her to be helpless and dependent.

Why on earth would she try new anxiety-inducing social things, when you're fulfilling all her needs?

Ever seen adult sea birds just push their offspring off the cliffs, because they just don't want to jump and learn to swim.

I think you should reduce time with mum to just Sunday lunch/Sunday afternoon.

Explain that you and husband need some couple time.

And find a walking group or over 50's exercise class for her to join. Because it's really unhealthy for her, just to be chatting to you alone. No wonder she's getting snipey. And regular exercise improves fitness and elevates mood.

You sound very kind, and I've got to say that your partner sounds blimmin amazing.

My grandmother exhibited some of these behaviours. She had been in love with someone when she was younger but he had a heart attack and died. After that, she wouldn't have anything to do with men and showed contempt for them in general. I'm not sure why but it was very marked.

She also became quite deaf and so everything she said was at a very loud volume. This in itself was quite tiring to endure but she was also starting to develop dementia and she would make loud, unfiltered remarks about people who were passing her (their clothes, weight etc). It became exhausting as you never knew what she was going to say next or who might take offence.

My mother did everything she could for her but it was never enough. There were always complaints and I was never able to decide whether she was miserable being miserable or whether being so miserable (and inflicting it on everyone else) gave her a sense of satisfaction.

This. I'm also not medically qualified but it sounds as though your mum's behaviour has changed in a way that could be worrying. So I don't know how you coax her to address it and see someone but it would be good if you could. Also you've been doing way too much for her. If she is entirely dependent on you for company and social stimulation, won't she just age more quickly? I don't know how old/frail she is but given your age I guess she's in her 70s which is too young to be so dependent on other people.

I am retired and live on my own. Sometimes it is not much fun, but honestly sitting alone on a Friday night is not the end of the world! You and your husband have been brilliant to entertain your mother for so long. But the time has definitely come for your mother to organise her own social life, and to find TV to watch on her own. Do a spot of research and find organisations like U3A, WI, book clubs, friends of …… various museums etc etc. There are masses of organisations aimed at retired people. There is no need for your mother to be bored or lonely. If she is, she only has herself to blame.

Dementia comes to mind as I’m reading this

Your mum is probably envious of you & your partner on the quiet, possibly still grieving for your dad. Yes she does need to make some friends & restart her life- I think she niggles at you because she is depressed, can you perhaps persuade her to visit her Gp.

Wow! You are a great daughter but your poor DH......

My MIL was widowed a few years into our marriage, before we had DCs. She was in her 40s when she had DH so was nearly 80 then. She was still very active and mobile although doesn't drive and was of course desperately lonely. But she wouldn't have dreamed of 'inflicting' herself on us. Luckily she is 2 miles up the road and we see a lot of her, and when DCs came along she used to come with me to swimming or the supermarket, and out for lunch - we had a lot of fun when they were small. But having her in the house every weekend - OMG no!

And not because she isn't great, but your house is yours and your partners, and all couples need space.

She still comes for sunday lunch, and stays one night a year (Christmas) and we do as much as we can with her (she's now 96) but she has always been conscious about 'not being a nuisance' - bless her!

I know some cultures have a different approach and I totally respect that - but for me, having additional adults in the house would be very stressful. (And loo rolls have to go our way or not all......😄)

I hope you sort things out. Good luck!

You are not a bad daughter. You and your DH have been a wonderful support to your Mum since she was widowed.
it’s perfectly reasonable for you to reduce the amount of time at weekends she spends at yours. You might have to be calm but firm with this. If needed you might have to tell a white lie about why you and DH want Friday night on your own ( yes yes I know the OP shouldn’t have to justify this !! ) or offer the choice of Saturday to Sunday or only every other weekend. Thought - could your Aunt meet her on Friday nights ? Or is Tuesday better. It’s about introducing the idea that your DM doesn’t have to be with you on Friday nights.
You are also right to want to encourage your Mum to develop her interests hobbies and social circle. My goodness, an absorbing or diverting hobby is priceless throughout life’s ups and downs. But be aware your mum may not want to commit to activities on as many days as you would think reasonable. There are also lots of simple hobbies eg crosswords, jigsaws, knitting, which can be done at home by oneself. Another option is to FaceTime another friend or family member for a chat at a regular time.
Good Luck OP and I hope you can emphasize to your mum how much you want to love and support her but also claim back a bit more time for yourself.