Widowed Mum - Setting Boundaries

[nadia2024]

Hi

I'm a 45 year old woman in a relationship of 12 years. My mum lost my Dad over 4 years ago, quite suddenly. It was not long after they both relocated to be nearer to me and my partner. It was a shock for my Mum for his sudden passing. They did everything together. It was heart breaking for Mum, naturally. She moved here, not only for them to be closer to us, but also for my Dad to see new things with her together. He was getting a bit depressed, so was looking forward to seeing new things together.

Mum is naturally lost without him. She grieved quite privately all through the immediate lockdown just after he'd past, but refused to stay with us and I respected that. I did, however, go to do her shopping and sat outside in her garden whilst i talked to her through the door. She did, however, stay with us for the second lockdown, which of course we wanted for her.

It has been four years now. I go to visit my mum every Wednesday I have off from work. I also have her over my house every weekend from Friday evening to Monday morning. My partner is extremely patient, kind and welcoming to her.

When she comes around, at times she can be nice and courteous, but sometimes she says things that can be a little rude and nasty. Mainly flippant comments. She will sometimes critise the things I do, or she will do it better, or just give unsolicited advice. To take for example, to do with washing dishes. She doesn't understand why I don't use the washing bowl in the sink. I explained that I can't fit everything in there and that i'm happy as it is, but she still did it. She also has changed the toilet roll around to the way she likes it. I just put it back, then she does it again. I do understand that this behaviour is coming from a place of trying to find her place within our family dynamic, but it's getting a little exhausting.

My partner and my mum have always shared some light hearted banter, but recently she has been saying quite snide comments. A couple of weeks ago it was about my partners lack of DIY skills, another time 'he watches too much football', and 'he should go in the other room'. She will make remarks on the tv about people, about the way they dress, or how they speak in a derogatory manner.

I don't recall my Mum being like this when she was younger, and I wonder if it's an age thing, or something else. To do with the constant advice giving, I know she did like to micro manage my father, so in replacement I presume she's doing that.

As it's been four years, and we have given Mum lots of care and attention, we feel that we should scale back the amount of time Mum spends at ours. We have tried to encourage her to join a group, to meet new people. My mum's excuses have been numerous. The most recent response when I tried to encourage her to go to a coffee morning was 'I don't want anyone taking over my life?' When I suggest her to perhaps find a new thing she'd like to do she says that 'she's not interested in anything'. If I push any more, she gets moody and says 'I will do things in my own time'. When I've said my partner and I are going to learn archery she replied she'd love to go, to which she did. We feel like we are baby sitting her and are a bit exacerbated by it all.

We are going to ask her if she could come on a Saturday morning and stay till Sunday evening, as the days are getting longer (she won't drive at night)

I will still see her on a Wednesday afternoon still, but I can't help feeling guilty with this reduction in the weekend. She does visit my aunt who relocated to where I live from Spain a couple of years ago on a Tuesday, or vise versa. I just can't seem to try to get her carve herself a bit more of a social life for herself. It hurts to think she is maybe sitting alone on a Friday night.

I guess I'm on here trying to find out if I'm being a bad daughter. I'd like advice on how to deal with her inflammatory remarks to my partner.

Thank you for reading this very long message. Hopefully you got to the end and have some pearls of wisdom

Best Wishes

Nadia

Great news🌹

You are not a bad daughter. For me it was my mother who passed. I sacrificed so much and inside was so resentful. I have no advice but if i could have done things differently I would have set boundaries.

Well done OP!

Tough love and all that. I have hope she will carve out some independence through this extra time, and reflect and go out to clubs, learn a new hobby, etc.

She might, or she might not. But end of the day, she's an adult and it's her choice to make. My nan was like this- I used to go and see her a lot or bring her to my house but she was constantly saying she was lonely. Literally every suggestion was shot down.

Eg. "nan, why dont you join the local church- you have a faith and they're really friendly and they have a lift rota to help people get there"- her answer was no, because the vicar had never personally called round to her house. She expected the vicar to call in at every single house in the area to introduce himself LOL. Even if he had, I am sure there would have been another excuse.

It was a shame but she was sabotaging herself and we all have to take responsibility for our lives and we cant expect everyone else to live our lives for us. You are a great daughter and you deserve some time to unwind - we all do, it's imperative to look after ourselves in order for us to support others. You cannot give from an empty cup!

I'm the mother in this situation, although my DC are young adults.

It is incredibly hard to build a new life for yourself and it will be harder for her if she's in a new place. That said all our "couple" friends have disappeared and I've had to make new friends anyway.

My elder son was in his first serious realtionship when DH died, and that was very hard for me, seeing him pull away from me, just as I needed him most, but I was always very aware to let them live their lives. It's lovely when they do give me their time, but I try not to feel entitled to it. That's not always easy though.

I think you have to talk to her, not about the criticisms, but about letting you have your life. She's genuinely trying to help/worried for you and she could well be right, you do see things differently from outside and as a mother. Maybe DP does watch too much football etc?

All the things you've suggested, joining groups etc have really helped me, but sometimes all the new people are overwhelming and I need some time with my "safe" people, or I'm learning to enjoy the freedom that comes with just going and doing things on your own.

Start being busy on some of the weekends so she has to spend time alone. Thats scary if she hasn't done it before, but very worthwhile.

Every weekend is ridiculous - one afternoon a week is more than enough. Your mother is responsible for her own happiness, and this is not your job. As suggested, start going away more and doing other things at weekends. You need to develop your own activities and interests away from your mother, otherwise you risk history repeating when you yourself might be alone and isolated.

Another thing to remember is that it is not your job to fix the loneliness problem. Don't do what me and my brother did and spend hours searching and discussing clubs and coffee mornings because it will very likely be a huge waste of your time. If you spot something suitable when you're looking at a noticeboard, take a photo and pass it on to her. It is then up to her to make plans and get involved. Make it clear that the onus is on her to get involved.
Unless your Mum is incapacitated in some way, there will be no valid reason why she cannot do this.

I went off to University with zero support from my parents. In three years, my Mum visited on her own twice. I bought my first property on my own and lived there for six or so years. My Dad visited once and my Mum visited no more than five times. I had a few periods that were very difficult but my Mum and Dad never knew because they never really cared enough to ask and would never have done anything anyway. I could have done with a bit more support but, to be honest, grown adults of sound mind do not need others to tell them what to do or organise their social lives! That doesn't matter if you are 26 or 76!

Mel Robbins posted this great video the other day which is definitely worth a watch. It just helps put it all in perspective.

Sorry but "maybe dp does watch too much football etc?" By who's standards? Even if op's dm thinks that or similar about other issues it is not her place to make comment in her daughter's home! The very home she is kindly invited into weekly, by her daughter at the cost of her daughter's freedom and space! Dm needs to accept she is responsible for herself, be grateful for the kindness and thought she is given and keep schtum with any criticism, imo.

Loved that video- thank you!

It's very thought provoking, isn't it? Just need to act on my own advice!

Me too, me too!! I am definitely at a crossroads and it is down to me to act. Think I will listen to this regularly.

This type of behaviour in my mother was the start of cognitive decline. The rudeness and overstepping boundaries in your home. The fact that she agreed to scale back visits and then immediately went back on that is particularly a red flag for me. Like she can hear what you're saying but can't process how that applies to her. Memory problems and forgetting words was way later in the decline for my mother - rudeness, lack of social awareness/boundaries, self absorption were much earlier in the process. Watch out for odd obsessive behaviour (checking locks, hoarding food/household items - always tissues, kitchen roll and toilet roll for us, over-spending or penny-pinching). Also telling the same stories over and over - not necessarily on the same day, just generally conversation becoming more limited to a few set anecdotes and topics.

My mother's dementia was triggered by my father's death just before lockdown. Your description just really resonated with me. If I'd spotted it was dementia rather than rudeness I would have had a much better time, so just worth thinking about.

Yes, and this is exactly another reason why she should be doing as much as she can to interact socially with a wide range of people doing a wide range of activities.

Sitting at home alone staring at four walls while telling everyone who will listen you are lonely yet doing nothing to help yourself is a recipe for dementia.

Use it or lose it.

Well done! Just watch out for the emotional blackmail now you have started setting some boundaries - see my username!

So don't try to "fix it" just try "oh dear, that must be hard"'if she says she's lonely. You sound sympathetic but you're not fixing it for her or going back on the boundary.

Another thing that helped me with boundary-setting was the realisation that I'd already wasted years running around after her, almost losing my career and prospects of a family in the process, and that I could carry on doing that, but what if I ended up widowed too and had missed out on all that time with DH because I was running around after my DM?! You can never get that time back with a spouse.

I think once a week, but alternate it one week Saturday and then the next week Sunday.

On the Saturdays you could do family fun things at home (baking, games, a movie ) and on the Sundays you could visit local attractions etc ?

That way, she'd still be coming every weekend - and you'd still have a day off every weekend, but it'd mix it up a bit.

Well done for making the change! I think when parents lose a partner they can become dependent on adult children to fill the void. From mine & friends experiences you are not alone and don't be guilted. I care for my parent call several times a day and visit at least every 2nd day. They called my sibling to complain wasn't visiting daily & were shocked when sibling agreed 3/4 visits a week is realistic. I have explained have a life too including work, single parent to asn child, activities etc and parent has been offered lots of support from organisations, befrienders & charities. Unfortunately you can't force help on people and if your mum decides not to find her own interests she needs to accept you won't provide her full social life.

Gosh evert weekend is a LOT. When do you have time to yourselves as a couple?

I'd start going away for a few weekends and be tough if she suggests coming along.

Add in a 'oh we're busy this Saturday - why not come for Sunday lunch instead? I'll run you home afterwards so you can have a glass of wine.'

I'm afraid you're going to have to be cruel to be kind.

You're most definitely NOT a bad daughter - most don't spend one day every week with their mum.

I'd break the routine by telling her hubby has booked a romantic weekend away. If she blatantly ignores the romantic word and invites herself you have every right to say no. Don't be taken advantage off and defiantly don't stand by whilst she insults your partner. Going forwards I'd have her over every other weekend max at this rate you may qualify for carers allowance

Difficult op. We had to take a step back as she got quite controlling (82). Kinda feel Im 15 again listening to her. We dont do overnights. Call where we can. I felt drained from her mentally so just one visit week its plenty.

Somebody very kindly gave me the best advice when my dad passed. She said ‘don’t make regular plans with your mum because they set it in stone’! And I will be forever grateful as it’s true…. If they come for dinner every Sunday , that’s it, you will never have a Sunday off because they will be there! Change things around. Go out with DP, randomly, unplanned! Or planned! It’s your life and you have to set boundaries that are sustainable

No words on how to do this. But cut back, having witnessed my ex partners mum go through it for 10 years, then previous to that I think around 15-20 you need to break the cycle. She didn’t and my god it looked exhausting. “No one cared” about her if she was on her own for a day at the weekend or visited enough times in the week. she couldn’t catch a break, Sunday dinner every weekend or she would get a comment for not caring. Made to feel guilty if she couldn’t make it over, we had to have a schedule of who would visit while her and her husband were away. She refused to go to clubs or activities and relied solely on family to keep her entertained it was honestly relentless. We escaped most of the guilt tripping as he was a boy and obviously golden child who could turn up whenever and it was like a little prince had arrived 😂

Maybe you could encourage her to try some Volunteering work- it would give her a bit of something to focus on plus meet some new people and form new friendships.
I've been doing this for a year now and it's absolutely changed my life.

It is incredibly hard to build a new life for yourself and it will be harder for her if she's in a new place. That said all our "couple" friends have disappeared and I've had to make new friends anyway.

I totally identify with that. For the first year after my husband died, friends were great. But then the couples basically disappeared. It started with the male halves 'having jobs to do' so that meet ups ended up only being with the female half. Then they disappeared too. I only have one friend couple left.
The trouble is that I don't want to end up with new friends and contactd who are basically me. Widowed women and of a certain age. But they're the people who go to the places where I attempt to meet new people. Ah well.

But yep, I have to work hard at not being too needy with my DDs. But I count myself very lucky that I mostly get to see one or both of them for atb least a couple of hours each week. I think any more than that as a regular thing (we do have the occasional full day when I invite the whole family round for a meal) is more than enough to expect.

Taking up their whole weekend plus another evening would be massively greedy. Am I lonely? Yes, more so than they realise. But it's not their problem to solve.

Won't comment on the rest but I found out some time after my dad died that there was always this thing between my parents about the toilet roll. One wanted it over and the other (mom) wanted it under. Only found out be accident when I was visiting and I "corrected" how it had been done which got my mom quite upset.

Such a minor thing but major in her life.

You are not a bad daughter, you see your mum most than most and having her stay all weekend is above and beyond imo.

My nan is quite elderly now and she is lovely with people she doesn't see as much, like myself. But my mum, her daughter used to go round everyday after work and have a cup of tea with her and she used to get used to it, then get snappy and short if she couldn't one day and would be snappy with other things with my mum. It was almost like she would take those closest for granted, and we have to let it go over our heads unless we want an argument and a falling out.

A few years ago my mum had to move to about 3hr drive away and my auntie became the person my nan saw most and now the snappiness has switched to my auntie and she is fine with my mum when she visits and appreciates her more.

I think old people get stuck in a rutt and their ways, don't like change.

I think cutting the weekend you spend with her down a bit will benefit you all. You could do one day then the second to make it gradually if easier. Personally rather than having her Saturday and Sunday I think I would let her still come Friday PM to Saturday PM or Sunday AM to Monday AM, then you and your partner would get a whole weekend day to spend together alone doing your activities etc

@saraclara what's wrong with meeting new friends who are in a similar life position to you? Don't you think you are more likely to bond with people who understand your loss and who have the same free time that you do? You might be missing out on some really interesting and nice people. It honestly doesn't make sense to me to be lonely if you have options.

OP, well done on making the change. The tough bit will be sticking to it when the novelty wears off and your mum thinks you've had enough time to get over being frazzled and gradually tries to increase visits.
Remember that you owe it to yourself and your partner to persist. I'm assuming no children, so please take this time to have some weekends away and build your lives together again. You would hate to be looking back at your life and regretting all the stuff you didn't do because your mum selfishly took over your life!