Can you help solve my unsolvable problem?

[Trappedwitheviledna]

I’ve never started a thread on MN for fear of being flamed but I’m desperate. I hope hardly anyone replies as I’d die of shame if I end up in trending topics!!😩 I’m often on Stately Homes but could do with some more specific advice. Please don’t reply to this or even read, if you’re not familiar with narcissistic abuse. I’m feeling very fragile. Sorry this is so long.

I’m 51 and my DM is 84. We’ve always had a difficult relationship and although she can be caring, she has very strong narcissistic traits. My kind but enabling dad died 2.5 years ago. My DB lives a few hours drive away and we get on well enough but he will not speak to me about our DM without her being present so I don’t have any proper support. My BIL (eldest sister died eight years ago) lives nearby but is in France for half the year and has recently been very verbally abusive with me for reasons I cannot fathom. Yesterday I felt that his unprovoked abusive rant was pushing the boundaries of legality so I’ve had to cut contact. My other sister (family scapegoat) is almost NC with my DM and somehow my DM persuaded myself and DB to cut contact with her, which I regret even though DSis hasn’t exactly been nice to me over the years. My DB has very kindly let me have his share of any inheritance. DSis has been removed from the will.

I’m autistic and never reached my potential career-wise. It’s like it’s taken me such a long time to mature that I’m where most people are at 25 but I’m at an age where lots of people are heading towards retirement. My health has been delicate for many years and I really struggle with life because I have anxiety, OCD and low energy levels. Last year, my youngest DS started uni and I lost my tax credits and maintenance so I sold my BTL flat (that we had to move into!!) and we moved in with DM. So I’m now living what can only be described as a half-life in my DM’s attic room…I do the cleaning and I’m chief entertainment provider to the black hole that is my mum’s brain. I have savings and I’m going to do a bit of self-employed cleaning but I’ll only manage to earn enough to keep things ticking over and stop my savings dwindling. I’m hoping to start training to be a counsellor soon but with my DM becoming increasingly confused and two very clingy dogs I’m not sure how easy it will be. I’m writing a book about autism but I doubt that will come to anything, although it’s almost finished.

It’s been a tough year. My mum needs a lot of attention and she’s desperate to get out of the house so as soon as I get downstairs in the morning she’s got her rambling boots on (with shoe covers!) ready to go on a dog walk. When my mental health is reasonably ok I can manage her behaviour but when I’m very anxious it’s so difficult because she can’t understand why I need to go out alone and she sulks and makes passive aggressive comments. When we first moved in she was being very controlling about all sorts of things and constantly baiting me into arguments but that does seem to have calmed down. I’ve had to fight for everything though…even small things like me buying my son a desk for his computer have caused absolute chaos. She’s critical, paranoid, very passive aggressive and very manipulative. She makes constant little digs at me and implies things in such a way that if I point them out she can deny them. And of course I get the classic ‘You’re too sensitive’. She also brings up the times she’s pushed me to screaming point and says she’d never dare tell anyone about my behaviour, and she uses my autism diagnosis to put all the blame onto me.

My DB and BIL seem to see me as a parasite rather than a carer….although my role seems to switch according to whichever one suits their agenda at any given time. If I leave here, my savings will be gone within two years and my DM will go bananas and possibly change her will. I need to provide a stable home for my DS because he’s autistic and whilst he’s independent enough to live in uni accommodation, he’s still very reliant on me. He’s currently receiving PIP which I think means that we can’t be thrown out of the house if my mum has to go into a home but his claim is being reviewed and I think it’ll be stopped soon. We both have nhs diagnoses of ‘quite severe’ ASD (him) and Asperger’s (me). I feel like I’m wasting my life here….i moved four hours away from my friends and the place I’d lived for 25 years. I won’t be able to move back because it’s too expensive and I don’t feel at home here. The really ironic thing is that my mum moved here to get away from me! I tell her the truth you see and because no one else ever has (my dad’s kind of thrown me under the bus) she sees herself as normal. Of course, I’m a burden - I’m fully aware of this - but I don’t rely on my mum for money because currently I have my own.

Everything is so uncertain….i could stay here for five years and then my mum has to go into a home anyway because I can’t provide 24 hour care…she’s up half the night already, and I can only stand two hours of her company before I start to lose my sanity. I don’t think there are any answers really. When I first came up with the idea of moving I said I’d get a camper van to live in some of the time but I’m so stressed about my money running out that so far I haven’t bought one. If it were just me and I wasn’t trying to maintain stability for my son I think things would be different. He’s extremely bright and on course to get a first at a top ten uni so hopefully he will be able to take care of himself sometime soon. I never thought he’d live away from me and he’s doing better than I ever imagined tbh. So there’s some hope but I don’t know whether my sanity will remain reasonably intact until the situation changes.

Sent from my iPad

Hello - I don’t think there are any easy answers, but it sounds a very tough situation. If I have understood correctly, your mum needs a lot of supervision due to her cognitive impairment?

I wondered if you had a Carers Assessment from Adult Social Care whether they might be able to provide support. What that would look like, and what your mum would accept is uncertain but it might at least be validating and link you in with emotional support for carers. I also wondered if you did enough to apply for carers allowance?

If you can only manage your mother for 2 hours each day, you just can't be her long term carer. If she is getting dementia, her home will likely be sold for care home fees. It's a pity you sold your flat; do you have enough savings for a deposit (rental or mortgage?)

First, focus on yourself. Can you get PIP for your autism? I would look into living options away from your mother, even if it's a 1-bed flat. I know you want the maintain stability for your son, but a)he is doing well at uni and may get a job after in a different area to yours and b) it's hard to predict how much stability he will get with his grandmother around.

I would start by looking for a house sitting job that will give you a break away from you DM and a chance to plan, without depleting your savings.

At the moment you are working on the assumption that:

• your brother actually will make any share of his inheritance over to you (you're not talking about inheritance from when your dad died, but future inheritance from your mum?)
• your mum will leave a share of her estate to you. She may not.

It sounds as if it's in everyone's best interests for you to leave your mum's house. Now that your ds is out of first year and uni halls, I'm assuming he has to pay for accommodation year round, so does in fact have somewhere else to live.

Is earning your own money via cleaning really viable? You haven't started it yet, which I assume is due to your health needs.

@PandyMoanyMum my mum is currently still able to do a lot for herself but she’s becoming more confused. She’s not aware that she’s confused though and thinks it’s me recalling things incorrectly. She does receive attendance allowance so I’ll look into carer’s allowance.

@TheABC yes I have enough savings to live on for around two years. I had to sell the flat because the mortgage was about to increase and the property prices were falling. I’ve applied for PIP twice….it’s almost impossible to get for autism and mental health problems.

Could you get carers allowance and universal credit or is that not possible? It's not something I know much about but it sounds like a horrible situation and I feel for you.

@tribpot they've both discussed the will with me and I trust they’re telling the truth. My son is in his first year and he’ll remain in uni accommodation next year so he still needs somewhere to live. No the cleaning job is not necessarily viable but I don’t have any other options. I’ve got two senior dogs who’ve never been left alone so that obviously doesn’t help. I’ve been turned down for PIP and I don’t think I will be entitled to any other benefits because of my savings. Hence the unsolvable problem!

@ManagedMove thank you🥰

Being coldly rational:

If your mum is becoming increasingly confused then it is possible she has dementia.

It is possible for family to look after someone with dementia but this is usually only possible if it is more than one person as once they start staying up all night/getting up in the middle of the night and going for a wander etc it can get difficult.

Many people with dementia do go into a care home for some time before they die for this reason.

Their carers are often burnt out and develop their own mental health problems.

So it is possible there will be no money left in the will anyway. (I also do not know if they can make you move but I'm pretty sure once she is dead it can be sold to pay back dated care fees. Look into this).

So you may be best to presume no inheritance anyway (and that's leaving aside the naivety of trusting your siblings).

In the circumstances I'd be inclined to plan to stay there until your son's degree is finished and he will then hopefully be in a position to live independently.

At which point you can buy or rent a much smaller house in an area that suits you.

Or you could plan to do this anyway - there's many areas where your money goes further.

My health has been delicate for many years and I really struggle with life because I have anxiety, OCD and low energy levels

When my mental health is reasonably ok I can manage her behaviour but when I’m very anxious it’s so difficult because she can’t understand why I need to go out alone

My mum needs a lot of attention and she’s desperate to get out of the house so as soon as I get downstairs in the morning she’s got her rambling boots on (with shoe covers!) ready to go on a dog walk. When my mental health is reasonably ok I can manage her behaviour but when I’m very anxious it’s so difficult because she can’t understand why I need to go out alone

I can’t provide 24 hour care…she’s up half the night already, and I can only stand two hours of her company before I start to lose my sanity.

It sounds to me as if you are wholly unsuited to being her full time carer. Did you move in on the basis that you would be her carer and are you claiming carer's allowance? Not that it means you should be at her beck and call 24 hours a day, but it seems you can't cope with caring responsibilities at even the most basic level. She sounds rather more robust than you do, to be frank.

How have you earned a living up until now? Presumably you mut have had a job of some sort, since you managed to get a BTL mortgage? I'll be honest, it doesn't sound as if you have the physical stamina for a cleaning job or the right emotional and mental disposition to cope with a counselling role either. I'd think carefully before sinking much money into any training for that. Even if you pass the training and qualify, you'll need to attract and retain clients. if you don't have what it takes to convince them that you are in control of your own mental and emotional wellbeing then how can you help them be more in control of theirs?

I’ve had to fight for everything though…even small things like me buying my son a desk for his computer have caused absolute chaos.

You have your own money. Why on earth did your mother even need to be involved or informed of the decision to buy your son a desk?

The really ironic thing is that my mum moved here to get away from me!

But she allowed you to move in with her when you needed to. That's why you are there. Because you needed it financially, not because she needed you to be there. So perhaps you are being a bit unfair to her there.

Of course, I’m a burden - I’m fully aware of this - but I don’t rely on my mum for money because currently I have my own. So how are you a burden? Are you paying her anything to stay in her house? A share of the bills for example?
Or do you mean you feel an emotional burden?

@Octavia64 thanks☺️. I’m absolutely fine with coldly rational!

Yes I’ll just try to keep things ticking over until my DS has finished his degree. I suppose I’m aware of every year passing at my age and I’m worried that I’m wasting my life,

I quite like @TheABC ‘s suggestion of house sitting….that could be a good option in the future. I didn’t know it was so easy to do. It would be great in combination with a camper van.

You need to get out and sort out your own life independently from mum.

As others have said there may well be no inheritance so staying for that reason isn't worth it (I know that's not your only motivation).

I'd find somewhere you can afford to rent, 1 bed if necessary - you can give DS the bedroom when he is home from Uni, to save costs.

Unfortunately you'll have to spend your savings or work, those are your options. But it's worth it to have your own space and sanity.

You need to talk to siblings about who will look after mum because there is no reason why it should all fall to you.

What about buying a static caravan? Or a normal caravan and l getting a seasonal pitch?

These are both cheap ways of living

Re your mother well your situation sounds uncomfortable but you were the one who sold your property

Have you considered using your savings from that to buy another property, selling your mother’s house and moving back to your town together?

She could have years ahead of her yet

If she forgets things and tries to argue the point have you considered just nodding a smiling?

Is she on the spectrum?

How did she move miles away to get away from you? At her age?

If everyone is falling out with you I’m afraid it’s time you looked in the mirror

You currently have no life - don’t accept this for yourself - find something enjoyable and rewarding. Regardless of your diagnosis things do exist for everyone

And you ought to tell your mother you can’t afford to move out and see if she can offer you a solution

Once your mother is gone, if you were able to stay due to pip surely you’d still need to pay the LA once you moved out? I mean you hate the location anyway!

Could you and your son buy a property together once he is earning after uni?

make plans and goals!

@HeadDeskHeadDesk no I didn’t move in on the basis that I’d be her career. You are right that I’m not cut out to be a carer. I’ve raised two ND children (eldest lives with dad) and I’m exhausted.

I used my divorce settlement to buy the btl because I wouldn’t have got a proper mortgage. I was limited to one bank for the btl mortgage. I received a fair amount of maintenance, tax credits and I hosted foreign students. I was a self employed cleaner for a while and did a degree…then burnt out. I’ve also been an extremely part time massage therapist but obviously that’s more physically demanding than cleaning. I do actually come across as calm and competent. I know it doesn’t appear this way in my post. But I get your point and I have doubts too.

The desk thing? Because she decided it was ‘clutter’. Actually I’m extremely neat and tidy. She once stormed out of Lidl because I wanted to buy a plant. Yes it was nice of her to let us move in and I acknowledge it’s been tough for her but it’s come at a huge cost to my mental health.

No I’m not an emotional burden. My mum isn’t able to offer emotional support and I’m sure it’s pretty obvious that I need emotional support due to her emotional abuse. My sister being NC should indicate that there are issues.

@PomPomDahlia27 thanks🙂

@Quitelikeit my mother wouldn’t consider moving. I spend my life researching strategies to deal with her.

I’m very self reflective thanks! My friends would vouch for that. It is only my mother and BIL who are difficult. No one in the family speaks to my sister…it isn’t just me. If you want evidence of my mum’s true nature she still speaks with venom about my sister’s anorexia. I’ve defended my sister countless times even though she constantly insulted me when I was younger and I’ve incurred my mother’s wrath over it. But you think what you want to think.

She moved several years ago with my dad.

My mother is a covert narcissist as I’ve said…or at least (because I feel an accusation of armchair diagnosing brewing) she has strong traits. She may also have some traits of autism.

@Quitelikeit i do make plans and goals. I started yesterday in a very good mood and I keep picking myself up and trying to improve things. But I’m often pushed to my limits and my good intentions go out of the window. If you’d been shouted at for twenty minutes by an intimidating man while you were crying and having heart palpitations you might not be in such a great mood either.

I think I’m going to go because my heart is racing again. I did say to not reply if you have no experience of narcissism but I’m now attracting some comments that I can’t cope with today.

Thanks for the kind comments❤️

How did you end up in a situation where you were crying and you BIL was shouting at you? To be fair, it's not his mother so I don't really know why he needs to be involved or informed about anything pertaining to your mum now that your sister is no longer around.

I think you should do what you can to move out. Even the most basic bedsit will be a relief compared to how you live now. I am not autistic but I understand that need to have my own time and space and not to have to keep up a constant dialogue with someone, especially someone who is difficult to please and highly critical. My own mum is fairly easy going but she drives me potty after more than a few hours too! No way could I live with her and I don't have the challenges you have.

Renting will eat into your savings of course, but at least you won't be living in such a stressful environment. Then you can visit your mother as often and for as long as you feel you can cope with, and leave before you reach the stage of agitation that has you screaming at her. It sounds like your problems have pushed you into a toxic co-dependency situation with her.

I understand why you feel trapped, but I think you've got yourself into a negative spiral of 'poor me, I have no choices and no agency. here' Your mother isn't going to change, so you need to woman up and take some control. Either you move out and take the financial hit, or you work REALLY HARD on coping strategies to make living with her more tolerable. Perhaps get some counselling yourself to help you find ways to do this. See it as a challenge and a game. Try to put some boundaries in place over how many hours a day you will spend with her, how much time you need in your room alone, or outside of the home doing things without her. Get hobbies, find friends, get a job. Work on grey rocking so that she can't send you into meltdown mode. Make sure that the time you do spend with her is doing things that are interesting and distracting for both of you, like dog walks or going to the library or cinema or shopping, rather than sitting looking at one another in the house with too much time on your hands. Does she have any hobbies or activity groups she attends?

She may go into a care home and you may end up with no inheritance at all, or she could die suddenly in six months and the fear of ending up both homeless and penniless will no longer apply. But no-one has that crystal ball so you just have to do what keeps you most sane in the meantime. Continuing to live in her house is no guarantee that there will be much money forthcoming in the end, so you don't really have much to lose by moving out.

Either way, you should try to get a job, something like a supermarket/retail or clerical role that won't be too taxing. That will give you some space from her and a reason to get up and leave the house each day and a chance to meet people, so your life doesn't feel like either time spent with her, or time spent in your room, with her sulking downstairs.

A job with regular contracted hours probably scares you, but it might be just what you need. You need to work on your resilience and your ability to just turn up each day and get on with it. You might find you love it. You need something positive to focus on, instead of focusing on all the things you say you can't do because of your autism and anxiety.

What did you do your degree in?

@HeadDeskHeadDesk thank you for spending the time on that very helpful reply🙂. I really appreciate it. It’s probably stuff I’ve told myself but sometimes you need someone else to say it too.

Someone posted something on Facebook about an organisation that helps autistic people get jobs. I mean realistically, I could easily do an office job and was a secretary before I had children but my skills aren’t up to date and although I know I’d be caught up within a week, employers wouldn’t be interested. So this organisation might be helpful.

My degree is in psychology….well it’s an OU open degree but it’s mostly psychology.

It does scare me btw…you are very perceptive🙂

Oh the BIL situation was caused by my mum refusing to add me to the council tax account and me eventually having to insist. I was of course going to pay the extra amount. I was worried I’d get into trouble so I asked BIL’s advice. His reaction was very strange. He doesn’t have much to do with us but he was married to my sister for 35 years and she’d asked him to look after my mum.

I'd look at public sector, the local council, education authority or NHS, or your nearest university. Not only are they huge employers but they are probably more amenable to employing a person on the spectrum, or an older person with a patchy job history.

I think you're doing a good job of identifying what does and doesn't work for you - never mind people picking holes, you need to be realistic about what will work to secure your future.

But then at some point you need to come up with a plan and take a leap of faith. Because continuing as you are makes no sense, you will only become more unhappy plus you can't control what the future holds as long as you are living in her house.

Op I did not mean to upset you but you do need to be able to hear other opinions on your situation.

Not all posters have time to pop over to stately homes to read your threads.

I am not doubting your mother is unpleasant but you cannot change other people only your reaction to them.

You said your Mother, BiL, Sister & your own Brother would not talk to you if your mother wasn’t present. What I am saying is that you are all part of a dysfunctional system and on some level you feed it into it.

Also it is worth considering that as Autism has a strong genetic component of your mother is more on the spectrum than you realise

If you want to gain experience in a certain area look up your local volunteer bureau and you could refresh your skills that way

@PomPomDahlia27 thanks🙂. I know you’re right x