Can you help solve my unsolvable problem?

[Trappedwitheviledna]

I’ve never started a thread on MN for fear of being flamed but I’m desperate. I hope hardly anyone replies as I’d die of shame if I end up in trending topics!!😩 I’m often on Stately Homes but could do with some more specific advice. Please don’t reply to this or even read, if you’re not familiar with narcissistic abuse. I’m feeling very fragile. Sorry this is so long.

I’m 51 and my DM is 84. We’ve always had a difficult relationship and although she can be caring, she has very strong narcissistic traits. My kind but enabling dad died 2.5 years ago. My DB lives a few hours drive away and we get on well enough but he will not speak to me about our DM without her being present so I don’t have any proper support. My BIL (eldest sister died eight years ago) lives nearby but is in France for half the year and has recently been very verbally abusive with me for reasons I cannot fathom. Yesterday I felt that his unprovoked abusive rant was pushing the boundaries of legality so I’ve had to cut contact. My other sister (family scapegoat) is almost NC with my DM and somehow my DM persuaded myself and DB to cut contact with her, which I regret even though DSis hasn’t exactly been nice to me over the years. My DB has very kindly let me have his share of any inheritance. DSis has been removed from the will.

I’m autistic and never reached my potential career-wise. It’s like it’s taken me such a long time to mature that I’m where most people are at 25 but I’m at an age where lots of people are heading towards retirement. My health has been delicate for many years and I really struggle with life because I have anxiety, OCD and low energy levels. Last year, my youngest DS started uni and I lost my tax credits and maintenance so I sold my BTL flat (that we had to move into!!) and we moved in with DM. So I’m now living what can only be described as a half-life in my DM’s attic room…I do the cleaning and I’m chief entertainment provider to the black hole that is my mum’s brain. I have savings and I’m going to do a bit of self-employed cleaning but I’ll only manage to earn enough to keep things ticking over and stop my savings dwindling. I’m hoping to start training to be a counsellor soon but with my DM becoming increasingly confused and two very clingy dogs I’m not sure how easy it will be. I’m writing a book about autism but I doubt that will come to anything, although it’s almost finished.

It’s been a tough year. My mum needs a lot of attention and she’s desperate to get out of the house so as soon as I get downstairs in the morning she’s got her rambling boots on (with shoe covers!) ready to go on a dog walk. When my mental health is reasonably ok I can manage her behaviour but when I’m very anxious it’s so difficult because she can’t understand why I need to go out alone and she sulks and makes passive aggressive comments. When we first moved in she was being very controlling about all sorts of things and constantly baiting me into arguments but that does seem to have calmed down. I’ve had to fight for everything though…even small things like me buying my son a desk for his computer have caused absolute chaos. She’s critical, paranoid, very passive aggressive and very manipulative. She makes constant little digs at me and implies things in such a way that if I point them out she can deny them. And of course I get the classic ‘You’re too sensitive’. She also brings up the times she’s pushed me to screaming point and says she’d never dare tell anyone about my behaviour, and she uses my autism diagnosis to put all the blame onto me.

My DB and BIL seem to see me as a parasite rather than a carer….although my role seems to switch according to whichever one suits their agenda at any given time. If I leave here, my savings will be gone within two years and my DM will go bananas and possibly change her will. I need to provide a stable home for my DS because he’s autistic and whilst he’s independent enough to live in uni accommodation, he’s still very reliant on me. He’s currently receiving PIP which I think means that we can’t be thrown out of the house if my mum has to go into a home but his claim is being reviewed and I think it’ll be stopped soon. We both have nhs diagnoses of ‘quite severe’ ASD (him) and Asperger’s (me). I feel like I’m wasting my life here….i moved four hours away from my friends and the place I’d lived for 25 years. I won’t be able to move back because it’s too expensive and I don’t feel at home here. The really ironic thing is that my mum moved here to get away from me! I tell her the truth you see and because no one else ever has (my dad’s kind of thrown me under the bus) she sees herself as normal. Of course, I’m a burden - I’m fully aware of this - but I don’t rely on my mum for money because currently I have my own.

Everything is so uncertain….i could stay here for five years and then my mum has to go into a home anyway because I can’t provide 24 hour care…she’s up half the night already, and I can only stand two hours of her company before I start to lose my sanity. I don’t think there are any answers really. When I first came up with the idea of moving I said I’d get a camper van to live in some of the time but I’m so stressed about my money running out that so far I haven’t bought one. If it were just me and I wasn’t trying to maintain stability for my son I think things would be different. He’s extremely bright and on course to get a first at a top ten uni so hopefully he will be able to take care of himself sometime soon. I never thought he’d live away from me and he’s doing better than I ever imagined tbh. So there’s some hope but I don’t know whether my sanity will remain reasonably intact until the situation changes.

Sent from my iPad

It’s ok - don’t worry🙂. It’s just that I try really hard to come up with strategies to deal with my mum and I don’t think I’m an unreasonable person. I’ve spent an awful lot of time working on myself and my behaviour. So it creates an uncomfortable cognitive dissonance when someone suggests it might be me. Narcissists are well known for projecting all their behaviour onto others and it takes a lot of work to realise that they’re (mostly) at fault. That is not to say that I think my behaviour is perfect because of course it isn’t but I seriously doubt that there’s anyone currently watching Dr Ramani videos and developing strategies to deal with me. I’m the ‘truth teller’ of the family and telling the truth does cause trouble that’s mostly pointless. I also have a history of not contacting people and being a bit tactless. That isn’t me now but family tend to see us as we were don’t they? I suppose that’s another issue…my self-identity is all over the place and I’m trying to channel ‘calm emotionally mature adult’ but that’s difficult in this situation😬.

Yes it’s likely my mum is on the spectrum but she’s nothing like me. My dad was on the spectrum and a lot like me. He didn’t give a lot away but on one occasion (when he’d been ordered to phone me to sort out an argument) he yelled “How do you think I put up with it 24/7!!” That was the only validation I ever got.

Yes volunteering would be less scary. Thanks🙂

Gosh @Trappedwitheviledna that’s an incredibly tough situation. I also have a narcissist ‘DM’, and clearly I don’t know you but if you were a friend irl I would say the following.

You’re already fragile, it doesn’t sound like you can take years more of this- she won’t get better (behaviour) only worse.

I don’t trust people with wills. Once people actually get a sniff of the money they change their minds. I’m sure they mean it when they say they will share, but when the time comes there will be a ‘reason’ they suddenly can’t.

It’s unlikely there will be a large inheritance anyway if your mum has dementia or similar. She will need professional care- at home or in a home- and those costs spiral rapidly.

Those being the case, your DSis absolutely has the right idea in being NC. Just because no one else wants to do it doesn’t mean you have to. If you lose the next few years of your life to this woman, and then there’s no inheritance, where will you be? I’m worried your fragile mental health will be destroyed.

You say you have savings to live independently for 2 years and have plans to become a counsellor- do it! A lot can happen in 2 years. Do nothing and in 2 years you will still be 2 years older, but no further forward. You’ve not had an easy life, which has taken a toll, but to survive this far you must have a steel core and you can move on. You can do this OP, despite her voice in your head telling you that you can’t.

Sadly, it sounds like you made the wrong decision to move in with your mother. The simple answer is, you need to move out. Your DM doesn’t need to change her ways to accommodate you or your DS, it’s her home and she’s doing you a favour.
Your ‘inheritance’ is a red herring. There could be no money left if she needs to pay for residential care in the long term - it’s really distasteful discussing ones possible inheritance when the person you’re hoping to inherit from is still alive!
Start looking for alternative places to live asap.

Thanks for your harsh judgement. Actually my mum cares enough that she doesn’t want to see us homeless and she knows that my dad would have wanted her to help us. She discusses her will herself. Just as I discuss my life insurance with my children to hopefully make them feel secure.

If you ever found yourself in a tricky situation financially you might realise that I do not have the luxury of not thinking about these practical issues. My priority is my youngest DS but I also think I’m worthy of being happy and secure. At the moment we’re ok but I wouldn’t cope if we ended up in temporary accommodation and I lost my dogs. So I plan well ahead.

I also spend hours every week taking my mum out and doing her cleaning.

Thank you @SockFluffInTheBath that’s a lovely message….makes up for the most recent one🤣.

As far as I know, my brother has helped my mum to change her will and she did this when it was decided that we would move in. I’ve told my brother that I’m happy to clean, make meals and take my mum out but I can’t be a full time carer because of my fragile health. But as you say, it could destroy my mental health. She’s being ok again now and I have a tendency to relax and not take any action until the next drama. I know the money could end up being spent on care anyway.

Yes my sister has the right idea. I would truly love to have had a proper relationship with her but my mum always made it clear that she wasn’t as good as our eldest sister and I was the baby with a different dad so I did receive better treatment. It’s completely understandable that she’s always been resentful towards us although the very personal insults weren’t easy to deal with!

That’s what I’m thinking regarding the counselling….although of course my confidence has been affected by someone saying I wouldn’t make a good counsellor! My friends say I would so I’ll try to believe them. I hope that I’m strong. I have a few friends who’ve been made physically ill from all the abuse they’ve received but they’re far more resigned and accepting than I am. I try to get them to find their anger🙂. Gabor Maté says that he always worries about people who are too nice because they’re the ones who end up ill. But it’s so difficult to get the balance right of being nice but not too nice isn’t it? Especially when others are judging so harshly. Sorry, I’ve gone off on one of my infj ramblings! I’m sorry you also have a narcissistic DM…are you NC?

Ramble away 😌 I’m not NC but would love to be. I have minimal contact so as not to inflame the whole family’s righteous indignation. I’m polite but I don’t engage with her, I think there’s a term for that but it escapes me.

PILs are better but elderly and difficult- so I understand a little of both parts but it would be immeasurably more difficult to have it all combined in one person. Families are great, eh! Look after yourself and never think you’re a bad person for feeling what you feel.

I've been thinking about your thread - I'm a fellow late-diagnosed autistic woman (at 44) and mostly shit DIL to my father in law who has very advanced dementia, Alzheimer's and vascular, currently in a dementia care home. I used to visit with my wife but had to take a break for a number of reasons. I totally get what you said about desperately needing alone time, and that the current situation is the opposite of what you need.

I wanted to comment on what you said about wanting to retrain as a counsellor, and it's not a path I would recommend for a number of reasons. I had this idea I would retrain myself, to get away from a job in project management I mostly hate. I completed the introductory counselling course, the counselling skills one and the first year of diploma which would lead to the qualification. I dropped out halfway through because I found the experience somewhat disturbing, mostly because the lead tutor decided it was her job to "break my defences" and that I was too rigid in my approach. I didn't have the diagnosis at the time but what she was trying to get me to change were my autistic traits, and I know anecdotally from others that counselling courses ironically are not very ND-friendly. The other thing that led me to dropping out was the job prospects or rather non-existent job prospects. There are thousands of new counsellors qualifying each year and realistically, very few employment options so something to consider if you need financial stability.

I do hope things improve for you and that you find a more stable environment where you can be yourself.

@SockFluffInTheBath is it grey rock? Yellow rock is the more ‘jolly’ version🙂. I try to not react and it works for a while but it’s difficult to always be on guard.

Thank you …you too🥰

@coffeemonster28 that sounds difficult. I’m pretty rubbish when people aren’t well because I have horrendous health anxiety/ocd.

I have been worried about spending thousands on the counselling course and then having to find my own clients. I’ve also been worried about following a set of guidelines that I don’t agree with. I’ve experienced some terrible counsellors, and I think there’s a need for ND counsellors but I think the training would need to be different. Maybe I will focus on finishing my book and doing something else. To be honest there’s nothing I want to do except to potter about and read…I’m not ambitious at all…I’d rather live in a tiny home or van and stare at a tree🙂

I’ve been thinking a lot about your OP
There’s no easy answer, is there
That 2 years of money won’t last you very long and you’ve got a hopefully long life ahead of you
I think in your shoes I would focus on what small steps to take to slowly work yourself out of the situation you are in.

You do sound very fragile. I imagine being the truth teller of the family is difficult. Frankness and bluntness are often an autistic trait so that’s maybe not surprising. Sadly it sounds like neither BIL nor DB are going to give you any emotional support here.

Long term you want to move out, have a stable home of your own that’s affordable long term, and some kind of income to support yourself.

I wouldn’t try to live on your savings right now unless you absolutely have no other option.2 years is not very long. You are going to need that money for your own old age. I think if you can stick it out for a year or two until your son is out of university, and you have sorted yourself out a bit work wise that would be worth trying.

Finding some way to earn some money that’s sustainable to you with your health issues seems essential . The autism support sounds useful.

In terms of housing have you looked at shared ownership? Might that help the money from your old flat go further.

I also wonder how you might make your attic room into more of a sanctuary for yourself. Does your mother recognise that as your space? (The desk thing sounds like maybe she doesn’t). But I wonder if you could at least feel better about hiding up there that might help.

Sorry no solutions!

@Daffidale thank you🥰. I feel very honoured that you’ve been thinking about my OP!

I do feel lost up here and my BIL living nearby made me feel more secure even though we didn’t see him much. I didn’t want to fall out with him but I’ve had enough of abusive men and I’m not pandering to him. I’ve never known anyone to become apoplectic with rage over someone else’s council tax so I was quite unprepared for the onslaught!! It would be funny but it’s made me feel really unwell and I have to drive my DS back to uni on Saturday.

I do think you’re right about using my savings ….two years will fly by and then what? I’ll potentially be homeless. So don’t worry, I won’t be following that advice. I’d just spend two years counting down the weeks in a state of panic.

I have contacted a service that organises volunteer work. I think once I get past the fear of starting a job I’ll be fine. I’m confident in my abilities but I’ll be more confident at first if I’m not being paid and there isn’t any pressure. I do have the issue of not being able to leave the dogs here for too long (or at all if my mum becomes more confused). I might still do the cleaning…it’s £15 an hour now and I was only going to do six hours because that’s enough to keep things ticking along. I’ve said this before though - I had a 2.5 hour job where I lived before and even that was a struggle. I do have a bit more energy since I started taking vitamin D though so we’ll see.

I could look into shared ownership. I live in a very cheap (but quite nice) area so I could buy somewhere with quite a small mortgage if I had a job. I know I said I didn’t like the area but I think that’s a case of ‘wherever you are there you’ll be’ or whatever the saying is! It’s actually a very pretty town in amazing countryside. I don’t feel at home here but I haven’t made much effort to integrate because I keep feeling sorry for myself! I did go to an autism and adhd support group that’s just started at the college in town and that seems very promising.

My mum does respect my space so I’m grateful for that. I was in the box room when we first arrived because my mum needed the attic room to hang out her washing! But eventually she agreed that I could move up here. I do understand that it’s been difficult for her giving up her space but she sleeps downstairs because she wakes up a lot and likes to be next to the kitchen so that she can get a drink.

Anyway, I’ll shut up now🙂. I do waffle on don't i?! Thank you🥰

I recommend that your DM applies for attendance allowance
It is not means tested

Then you can apply for carers allowance
But there is a limit to how much you can earn

I would also apply for health & financial power of attorney for your DM

@WaterWheeloffortune Thanks🙂