Heading for a breakdown

[Patsy7299]

Hi All, I really have nowhere else to turn and looking for any thoughts/advice.

I have/had the best parents but occasionally butt heads with my mum. Long story short:

I am an only child (52) and my dad passed away last year. I cared for him and my mum in the sense of dealing with all their bills, docs appointments and took them out for dinners/lunches/even on holiday and visited daily. I am in a long distance relationship (newly engaged) and since my dad passed, my fiance has also lost his dad to cancer in January after caring for him for 7 months.

We booked a holiday for February this year (postponed 3 times due to their illness) and 12 hours before I was due to go, my mum (85) fractured her pelvis and we cancelled. She recovered well and was great until a few weeks ago, when she had a UTI which was then diagnosed as a stroke. She was in hospital 3 weeks and I was there twice a day, every day for 3 weeks. She got home and carers are in morning and evening with me visiting daily also. I have one son who has been great and he also visits daily. I have two aunts who we don't speak to, however their sons text/phone and one occasionally visits but offer no practical help.

I do all the cooking and cleaning for her, work full time, and haven't grieved my own dad properly yet. I really need a break and we had booked to go to Spain in May. My son has told me to go and I really can't tell you how much I want to but I am so worried something will happen to her if I do or that everyone will think I have abandoned her. I have the GP coming out next week to do an assessment for dementia and if it is that then I fear I will never get a holiday again. There is no POA in place despite my mum saying there was, and I am prepared to give up my job to care for her.

I feel so selfish but my own health, both mental and physical is deteriorating due to all the stress.

Firstly can you get POA in place now, before any diagnosis?

secondly you dont have to do all the caring if mum can afford to pay.

Others will be along to give you further advice. All the best.

I am not sure, she is confused just now so don't know if that would be possible? She doesn't have any savings except state pension but owns her home and I would need to sell it if she had to be put into care

I'd get the POA in place before doing anything else.

Go on holiday. Stuff will happen whether you're there or not - and not to sound hard, but you being there hasn't prevented things. I'm not sure who this "everyone" is who will judge you, but you've gone above and beyond already and they're not considering giving up their jobs to look after her, are they?

I think whatever happens you need to figure out what your Mum's resources are - does she own her own house, have savings, can she access benefits for her or for you if you're her carer? And also look at your own situation carefully - can you afford to give up work or would it be better to keep working and buy in some help? What do you think is cope-able with? What would make you happy?

Even if you do go down the road of giving up work you'll still need cover for respite to see your fiance and have a life.

Who's going to judge you and who the hell cares if they do OP? FGS you're going round there twice a day and have been for months. Only the most unreasonable person would judge you for needing a break and taking one. You're only human! Please go on your holiday in May. Arrange for your DS and carers to take up the slack while you're away. Your DS has told you to go, so please go before you have a breakdown/health crisis yourself 💐

I will get on to a lawyer now.

She owns an ex LA flat - perhaps £50K and has no savings. I don't have a mortgage so could move in if it came to the worst. And you are right, I am too worried about what others think when they haven't done a thing to help!

Op you need a break, you won't be able to care for your dm at all if you get sick or have a breakdown, and I agree with pp that things happen whether you're there or not. You can't live in fear of something happening if you go away, anything can happen at any time!
As for everyone judging you and thinking you've abandoned her, I highly doubt anyone would think that with the amount of your life spent caring for your dm, if they did then they'd be crazy. Please go on this holiday and try not to spend the time away worrying something might happen

You don't need a lawyer for POA OP.

And it might make more sense for you to keep your powder dry for having your Mum's back and overseeing care visits etc, rather than burning yourself out in the trenches.

Can you ring her up and check she's ok from on holiday (does she answer the phone etc)?

First of all, you need to change your mindset. If your mum needs to go into a home, she’s not being ‘put in care’. She’s moving to a safe place where she will get the care she needs.
You really do NOT need to stop working to take care of her. A care needs assessment will be carried out and that will determine what care she needs. She could have up to 4 visits a day from carers whilst living in her own home. You do not need to be the person caring for her. You sound like a wonderful daughter, spend your time with her doing pleasurable things and let the professionals do the rest.

I am the person who had a nervous breakdown in this sort of situation.

I wish I could give you some sensible advice.

I don't know if I could've prevented the breakdown from happening.

An awful lot of it is down to what happened to mum. And the bottom line is I simply couldn't cope with it. (There were other issues including that she initially refused to have carers).

In terms of giving up your job, I completely understand if you feel you can't do a job and also even do minimal care. However, I don't think I would've even attempted it if there was something like dementia in play, so I would think your mum would be better in a place with specialist care.

I understand the feeling of judgement and have talked about it quite a lot on here. I have had to accept that I am simply not capable of doing some of the things that other people can do.

I would suggest that you think very carefully about what your next steps are. If you are going to end up in the situation where you feel unable to do both things, then you have to figure out where the balance is. Part time work maybe?

I would feel differently if mum went into a home I think.

Our situation is that she doesn't need to go into one.

But ironically, I am posting after what should have been a lovely day out....It was affected by concerns about her because she hasn't been well at all this week and I only managed to switch off after a couple of hours.

I don't think I would go on a foreign holiday unless she was actually in a care home, but I find going away extremely stressful anyway, so with the added concern that there would be no one to step in, not sure what the point is.

Sounds like your son can step in though?

I was actually about to post on one of the other threads for any advice on coping mentally!

So all I can do is sympathise.

Do what you want to do OP. Let people think what they want, believe what they want. When it comes down to it, it’s irrelevant to you. Why waste your energy on this or trying to persuade them? What other people think of you or what you do is outside your control anyway.

I was in a similar position, I didn't have a single night away from home (other than the ones I'd spent in A&E with my mum) in nearly 3 years because I felt bad about leaving her. I was exhausting myself working full-time and looking after her and my dad before he died. Then I got cancer and realised that I was completely giving up my own needs for her. I'm still looking after her but much more on my terms, I've been away quite a lot, and although to some degree it takes the joy out of looking forward to things because it's a constant am I going to get there because there's going to be some disaster with mum, actually it's always been fine, and if I need to come home, I need to come home. You start doing things and thinking she must be towards the end of life, then 10 years later you're still at it! I'm accepting that we are constantly heading for a crisis, but given up feeling that I've got any control over it. Enjoy your holiday!

Turn the situation around and look at it as you're increasing the resilience of the carer set up which can only be a good thing in the long run. Having everything dependent on you means if you're out of action care still takes place. Yes, it's important to take a holiday and it could help strengthen the whole situation - what happens if you have to take an 'involuntary holiday' from caring if you break a leg, catch flu or your car breaks down?! There are people on here who've ended up having a breakdown or with a cancer diagnosis and then something else has to happen about care.

Only you know your priorities. I came under a lot of pressure (see username!) to stop working full time, but I'm the main breadwinner, have a dependent child and a mortgage. My first priority is that. I also need to think about my own retirement, pension contributions etc.

And what would a son do?! And what would people expect a son to do?! One really helpful comment from a male friend was that if there's a crisis from your elderly person, you don't have to respond to it. Someone will. This actually happened to me as I don't answer my phone during work/commute time so I didn't even find out DM was in hospital for about 10 hours! Her friends and neighbours had to rally around and that was helpful in the long run

This is exactly where I am! Thank you. I guess I just needed to hear others experience of all this.

Not sure its been mentioned, but does your mum get Attendance Allowance?... that could then help to pay for things that might relieve some of the pressure?
It sounds like you definitely need a break - I would go on the holiday in May, you very much deserve some 'me time'

I don’t think she does but I’m going to look into it. Thank you for your advice and kind words.

Thank you for your advice and kind words and hope you’re keeping well too 💖

I'd try and sort out attendance allowance for her and get her a cleaner. I'd also look to see if there are local meals on wheels type hot food delivery's. One of my elderly relatives gets them delivered at lunchtime about 5 days a week, after he's had a look at the menus for the following week. He pays £5 a day for a main course and an extra £1 for a pudding. There is also a local community centre where they serve a 3 course lunch once a week (including transport if required).
I would put in place as much help as possible and go on holiday. You need to recharge your batteries.

I am new to this forum and posted for the first time this morning, so by no means am I at old hand at this but I would like to comment on your post.

Firstly, I do not mean to offend yourself or anyone else in this position. I wanted to say you by what you are writing and what your concerns are - it comes across you are more interested in what others will say or comment on. It sounds like you have been conditioned this way. I am coming from a European point of view, the "old way" of doing things where there are victims in the world who are pleased to be helpless and feel that they are entitled to feeling like this instead of taking the approach of being self directed, confident and open to learning new things. The people who often suffer are the children. You are made to feel like a young child no matter which decade you are in - 20s, 40s, 50s and 60s.

I was brought up like this and never subscribed to this but have helped and currently are helping three friends who are in the same boat - in their 50s and 1 in her 60s who have given up their lives to a mother (all mothers in these cases) who insists on instant dial access to their children who are still working, all three have never married so they don't have children. One is now seeking therapy to undo the years of control, dependency and guilt that has been put on her.

You need to do look at yourself and what you need right now. This should be about you right now, think about what you need and how you can achieve it. You can only make that decision, it is not about others and you need to find a way of not thinking about what others think. What do you think? It sounds like you have come to a conclusion on this but you have been conditioned to look for outside approval. You don't need it. You really need to look at what you need right now.

Easier said then done? Yes, but it has been done.
Good luck with it and listen to what you are thinking and what common sense is telling you!x

This could go on for 10 years. Take the holiday. Do not give up your job but cut back if you can, but you MUST use this extra time for yourself, not your mother.
You are her child, not her spouse, not her carer. Get some support for yourself. Have you Employee Assistance Programme at work?
Call them.
live your life.
Good luck.

@EmotionalBlackmail "And what would a son do?! And what would people expect a son to do?! One really helpful comment from a male friend was that if there's a crisis from your elderly person, you don't have to respond to it. Someone will."

I am beyond baffled by this. Most of the full on carers I know are/have been male. And who does your friend think this "someone" is?!

Also, there is no "someone" in many cases. Mum has been ill for years, so not only do I feel we have exhausted the goodwill of friends and neighbours - some of them are now dead!

None of them should be expected to sit in A&E for hours. Most, quite sensibly, wouldn't even go.

When mum had a stroke, I could literally sense the younger people who helped with shopping etc backing off. It became too risky for them to be involved.

I hold up my hands and admit the situation makes me choke with resentment sometimes. But realistically - no, I'm not leaving mum alone for hours in an NHS hospital the way they are now. I'm not criticising anyone who does but I can't do that.

OP it's obviously up to you how you manage this but IME the advice of others can't help unless they know the finer details of your specific situation.

i've been dealing with this crap for years and if it goes on longer, she'll outlive me. So I outsource as much as I can.

Everyone has given great advice. I hope you can take it, OP. You simply can’t continue using yourself up at this rate. You must protect your health, your private life, and your ability to care for your own life.

Do not quit your job! Do find carers or a residential situation for your mother. Consider yourself to have a supervisory role not to be primary caretaker.

You don’t have to sell the house to pay for care home fees - you can get a deferred payment arrangement with the council. They pay for the care, usually at a greatly reduced cost, and upon death the home is sold and the loan repaid. I’d ask for a full assessment from social care and TELL them you cannot provide care - at all. If there is any snippet of you caving they will not put anything into place.

You don't need a lawyer or solicitor for a poa, unless your mum is unable to sign the forms. Then it costs c£2000 if I remember rightly. If she is ok to sign and you can download the forms from gov.uk then it costs £82. You need to have someone who witnesses the signatures to confirm they are genuine and a second person called the 'certificate provider' who confirms that she understands what she is signing . . .
When you send it off, take a photocopy along with proof of postage as they are taking about 6 months to come back now as a validated document

@EmmaEmerald it's true though, the vast majority of family/unpaid carers are female relatives. Often daughters. Yes, I'm aware of one man who cared for his MIL because he'd retired and his wife was still working but mostly the male relatives get away with little or nothing - see how many of us on this board have goldenballs brothers?! Plus they don't get the negative comments or the expectation that they will care.

I've already driven myself into the ground caring for one parent through illness, then terminal illness. I had no idea what I was letting myself in for and, as with many of us, the care grew and grew. I nearly lost my career as a result and the chance to meet someone and start a family (bearing in mind my own age). There is no way I'm putting myself into a caring situation like that again.

My remaining parent has had one crisis so far, and I couldn't get there because of circumstances at the time. A&E took extra care of someone there on their own, provided food etc. Yes, my relative was furious
because they'd had to 'put friends out' but the friends rallied around and it's forced her to face the reality and put measures in place whereas before they'd just relied on me dropping everything and doing it.

Now, it's relatively 'easy' in my situation. I'm 2-3 hours away so I can't just pop in. I'm never going to be dropping off shopping or popping in after work. My working life means I could be anything up to nine hours away if there is a crisis. And there's nothing I can do about that. And that has forced my relative to make her own arrangements. Still attempts the emotional blackmail though!

And goldenballs brother who not only has more flexible work and more leave than me, but even works in a caring profession never gets any of this!

@EmotionalBlackmail Not suggesting for a minute that you should do more.

Just baffled at hearing that "others" will step in when there's no one.

Last two times I've taken mum to A&E, I have assisted other people who were alone. There's no help. The minimal staff can't cope with massive emergencies, never mind keep an extra eye on someone alone!