Heading for a breakdown

[Patsy7299]

Hi All, I really have nowhere else to turn and looking for any thoughts/advice.

I have/had the best parents but occasionally butt heads with my mum. Long story short:

I am an only child (52) and my dad passed away last year. I cared for him and my mum in the sense of dealing with all their bills, docs appointments and took them out for dinners/lunches/even on holiday and visited daily. I am in a long distance relationship (newly engaged) and since my dad passed, my fiance has also lost his dad to cancer in January after caring for him for 7 months.

We booked a holiday for February this year (postponed 3 times due to their illness) and 12 hours before I was due to go, my mum (85) fractured her pelvis and we cancelled. She recovered well and was great until a few weeks ago, when she had a UTI which was then diagnosed as a stroke. She was in hospital 3 weeks and I was there twice a day, every day for 3 weeks. She got home and carers are in morning and evening with me visiting daily also. I have one son who has been great and he also visits daily. I have two aunts who we don't speak to, however their sons text/phone and one occasionally visits but offer no practical help.

I do all the cooking and cleaning for her, work full time, and haven't grieved my own dad properly yet. I really need a break and we had booked to go to Spain in May. My son has told me to go and I really can't tell you how much I want to but I am so worried something will happen to her if I do or that everyone will think I have abandoned her. I have the GP coming out next week to do an assessment for dementia and if it is that then I fear I will never get a holiday again. There is no POA in place despite my mum saying there was, and I am prepared to give up my job to care for her.

I feel so selfish but my own health, both mental and physical is deteriorating due to all the stress.

I’m in a very similar situation to you except I have my father in care and my mother living at home with carers. Have you involved Social Services and had a care assessment and financial assessment done? It may be that you could have more care visits, especially to do a hot meal so you don’t have to do it. If she could my mother would have me there every day but I have had to put in boundaries for my own sanity. I’ve realised that I’m too available, I only live 10 minutes away as I thought it would make life easier but it actually means my mother expects me to be on call 24/7.

Come and join us on this thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3

If she has not much ££ assets then ss will fund before too long
You do not need to give up your job
You need to plan for your future pension etc
You do not have to

"do all the cooking and cleaning for her, work full time"

Her carers can do that /or a care home
You can then save energy for pleasant visits quality time

Go on holiday
Make a plan where it does not all fall to you

I’m going to get more help for sure. I’ve got gp coming out Wednesday and you’re right, I’m too close by. I’d do anything for my mum but it’s not affecting my mental & physical health. I have to try and stop worrying 24/7 and accept what will be, especially as I’ve done all I can.

*now

But ultimately social services will step in if there is no one. It didn't need to happen in my parent's case, the staff in A&E dealt with everything, and then a friend took stuff in the following day. If the OP is nearer, which it sounds like she is, then maybe dropping into hospital to deal with a crisis is easier, but she does also have a job to do.

But with my distant (as in relationship as well as location!) relative SS had to send carers in with them to hospital and get on with sorting it out and putting care in place as there were no close relatives alive and no one within several hours' travel.

For a lot of us we can't just drop everything if elderly relative goes into hospital suddenly. Once or twice maybe, I could get DH to juggle his work around, friends to pick my child up from school etc, but that isn't a longterm solution. In my case it ultimately boils down to are SS going to be called because I haven't picked up from school or because my elderly relative is on their own in A&E. Child wins that one every time.