Cleaning and personal hygiene

[DoggerFisher]

TL:DR Is it normal for elderly people to let hygiene slip?

I'm not obsessive about cleaning, by any means; I think there are far more fun things to do, but equally I try to maintain some basic standards of hygiene. My dad is in his late eighties and has lived alone for around six years, since mum went into a home and subsequently died. He is of the generation where everything inside the home was the woman's job, so he's actually coped well with learning to cook, do the laundry etc. and even looks things up on YouTube sometimes. The issue is that he'll happily spend hours gardening, and just recently borrowed my jet washer to clean the patio, but his house is looking....grubby.

It's not Kim and Aggie territory - I mean things such as:

• Kitchen surfaces always covered in food spills and crumbs (I've taught him several times how to clear them & clean periodically)
• Urine stains all over toilet (boak)
• Every surface having multiple framed photos / ornaments, which he never dusts
• Hand rail at side of stairs filthy & unwashed
• Crumbs and other bits all over the floors. (I swear to God, this is his superpower; he is the Incredible Crumb Making Man.)

He used to walk round very scruffily dressed until my niece and I arranged to take him clothes shopping, whereupon he found lots of lovely clothes in his wardrobe that he hadn't been wearing. I stayed overnight recently and discovered that there was no toothpaste in the house, and he hadn't cleaned his teeth for around a week. This particularly annoyed me as he had heart surgery a few years back, and his teeth were put in order beforehand so that there was no opportunity for bacteria from them to cause health problems.

He won't have a cleaner (I've asked), and if I do the cleaning he stands watching me, waving little T Rex arms in the way that men do, and saying, "I did that last week, Dogger," even though it's blindingly obvious that whatever it is hasn't been touched in months. I think he feels embarrassed when he sees me cleaning for him, but won't keep on top of things himself. I've tried a list of tasks for him, as it's a tiny house and a couple of hours' cleaning every week would be enough.

Do I just accept that he's happy to live in a grubby house and let his teeth decay? Do I go round every so often and do a deep clean whilst he faffs and annoys me? Or do I have a serious conversation about how things might change? If you've experienced this already (and got to the end of this post!), I'd be grateful for your advice.

End of tenancy cleaners would be a good call. I'm going to have another shot at him on Tuesday - he can afford to employ someone on a regular basis once or twice a week, but everyone chickens out after one clean! It's getting to the stage where it's more of an industrial clean rather than a domestic one.

It's so difficult isn't it? I think that's worth a try, he may be open to that 🤷🏻‍♀️. In my family I've seen the not caring attitude which is understandable at that age, I mean I get it, but it can't just be left for hygiene reasons alone. My lovely Dad has gone the other way and is immaculate in his self care and still dresses for work every day in beautiful ties and suits. He has Alzheimer's. He's retired years ago (he's 85). Getting old is hard.

Well I am stunned! Had a serious chat with my ancient last week including giving him a printed list of tasks, and today the flat was much better. The lounge has been vacuumed for the first time in about six months. Didn't venture into the bathroom but one thing at a time...

Some people are bring pretty harsh on their elderly relatives. In your 80s and 90s with all associated problems, tasks which were once easy become incredibly difficult to do, mentally as well as pysically. My mother is nearly 89 and has only just gone into care. She had a cleaner thankfully, but before the cleaner the house was a tip. She had no balance or strength to hoover, no energy for laundry or dishes, no strength to empty bins etc. If you are living alone and lonely, there is no drive to clean the house as no reason to do it. Its not as if it matters when your life is pain filled and exhausting.

@Hedjwitch I think there's been plenty of acknowledgement upthread that elderly people may find cleaning difficult or exhausting. It's the EP's absolute, irrational insistence that they can manage and don't need to employ paid help which caring relations find so difficult to deal with.

I've given up trying to encourage mine to get a cleaner. DM has macular degeneration so can't see well and they have loads of money.
I discussed getting a cleaner after my cousins from abroad came to visit. Told them in advance house was a bit grubby but I live an hour away and have my own practically full time job and family to look after and I hate cleaning. Well of course the pass remarkable one groused about the bathroom.

So I thought I had convinced DM to get a cleaner - "do you really want me to come and spend my weekends cleaning like you did for Granny" turns out she even has someone in mind who cleans for next door. Six months later she still hasn't phoned her up, so apparently she does want me to spend my weekends cleaning, but doesn't actually want to say that.

Oh, I would like the Skippy the Bush kangaroo plate if you ever get rid of it! 😁☺️

I live 200 miles from my dad but visit every few weeks as he’s not in great health. He wasn't keen on having help with care or cleaning initially, but I managed to persuade him by pointing out that I was doing loads of cleaning during my visits… but if we got help, I could spend the time doing nice things with him instead, like going out for lunch/days out etc. It seemed to do the trick - although thankfully my dad is not too stubborn.

My cousin has a nightmare with her parents - they are 90+ 92, in poor health and struggling but wont accept any outside help. They also look really scruffy, wearing their old, tatty clothes. Cousin tried to get them to get rid of old stuff and wear their good clothes, but apparently they are ‘saving’ them! 🤷🏻‍♀️

My parents were VERY resistant to getting a cleaner but after a year of pussy footing around I absolutely insisted. I got the cleaner to come in "just for a chat" and once they'd met her they sort of just let it happen. I kept on about how they need to give these young lassies work and put money into the local economy. I think it's a huge relief to them now.

That is a brilliant tactic! Very diplomatic, and removes much of the anxiety about employing a stranger.

Has he ever had experience of a cleaner in the house? Perhaps it's fear of the unknown.

Maybe gently try to find out why he's not keen. Sometimes it's just "having a stranger in the house" that is off-putting. If you could have a recommendation from someone he knows like a neighbour or a friend, it might help to make that connection. You could also suggest you book a one-off clean just to get things straight and then see how he feels.

I would definitely try again. Things like no toothpaste, perhaps he forgot to buy some several days in a row. Does he have any help with shopping etc? Maybe time to look into that as well.

In case anyone is still interested, my father has now had cataract surgery on both eyes, and the difference in the cleanliness of his house is utterly astonishing. No dust, no crumbs, no more stained clothes! I've also had a 'cards on the table' conversation with him about paying for a cleaner when it gets too much for him, as it isn't reasonable to expect me to do it.

Good for you!! I have an 89 year old neighbour is a widower and I tend to ‘look after’ him but, boy! have I had some surprise 😮 Over the course of a fortnight he wore 3 pairs of socks according to the lady who does his washing plus he wears his pants for a week without changing them! 🤮 I know he says washes himself everyday but having a shower is so much easier and he rarely has one. I have persuaded him to have fortnightly cleaners now thank goodness!

Hopefully this will work for my mum too - first eye done yesterday. She was telling me that the lounge carpet needs cleaning but can't actually see that it's threadbare in places!

My late FIL stopped washing himself at some point. He was over 90. He turned from a well groomed man into someone disgusting and smelling of urine. Turned out he was afraid of falling when getting out of the bathtub (they didn’t have a shower) but as a former competitive athlete he was too proud to admit it. Bathroom renovation and getting rid of the bathtub fixed the issue, he reverted back to showering daily.

It maybe something similar with your father’s lack of toothpaste. He may suffer from gum issues or similar problems and brushing teeth can be painful for him.

My late dad was similar, his house was extremely neat, he was very tidy....but not clean. Jumpers with obvious food stains on them folded immaculately in a drawer, shoes lined up neatly, papers folded and put into piles etc.
But personal hygeine and cleaning were pretty low priorities. He had poor eyesight which meant any cleaning he did attempt was hit or miss whether it was actually clean but also very frugal about when/how often to use the washing machine and whether to actually add detergent. Ditto a bottle of washing up liquid or shower gel could probably last a year!

My 83 yr old DF is the same.

Lives in a lovely big house, but it's pretty disgusting. It's got 4 bedrooms but my sibling won't stay with her young kids because it stinks of wee ( he's a bit incontinent but wears adult 'nappies') and the two toilets look like the ones in awful pubs at 1.00 a.m. on a Friday night .

He did have a cleaner but she seems to have quit; they never cleaned the bathrooms anyway!.

He also seems unable to wear clean clothes, always food stained.

He refuses to consider living in a smaller flat , so that's the way he's going to live. I promised myself ( as the only child that lives within 200 miles of him) that I wasn't going to be an unpaid cleaner or carer ( he has carers go in twice a day to basically make sure he's still on the go) . I have a family of my own to look after and he is choosing to be like this...no signs of dementia, just laziness and self pity.