Cleaning and personal hygiene

[DoggerFisher]

TL:DR Is it normal for elderly people to let hygiene slip?

I'm not obsessive about cleaning, by any means; I think there are far more fun things to do, but equally I try to maintain some basic standards of hygiene. My dad is in his late eighties and has lived alone for around six years, since mum went into a home and subsequently died. He is of the generation where everything inside the home was the woman's job, so he's actually coped well with learning to cook, do the laundry etc. and even looks things up on YouTube sometimes. The issue is that he'll happily spend hours gardening, and just recently borrowed my jet washer to clean the patio, but his house is looking....grubby.

It's not Kim and Aggie territory - I mean things such as:

• Kitchen surfaces always covered in food spills and crumbs (I've taught him several times how to clear them & clean periodically)
• Urine stains all over toilet (boak)
• Every surface having multiple framed photos / ornaments, which he never dusts
• Hand rail at side of stairs filthy & unwashed
• Crumbs and other bits all over the floors. (I swear to God, this is his superpower; he is the Incredible Crumb Making Man.)

He used to walk round very scruffily dressed until my niece and I arranged to take him clothes shopping, whereupon he found lots of lovely clothes in his wardrobe that he hadn't been wearing. I stayed overnight recently and discovered that there was no toothpaste in the house, and he hadn't cleaned his teeth for around a week. This particularly annoyed me as he had heart surgery a few years back, and his teeth were put in order beforehand so that there was no opportunity for bacteria from them to cause health problems.

He won't have a cleaner (I've asked), and if I do the cleaning he stands watching me, waving little T Rex arms in the way that men do, and saying, "I did that last week, Dogger," even though it's blindingly obvious that whatever it is hasn't been touched in months. I think he feels embarrassed when he sees me cleaning for him, but won't keep on top of things himself. I've tried a list of tasks for him, as it's a tiny house and a couple of hours' cleaning every week would be enough.

Do I just accept that he's happy to live in a grubby house and let his teeth decay? Do I go round every so often and do a deep clean whilst he faffs and annoys me? Or do I have a serious conversation about how things might change? If you've experienced this already (and got to the end of this post!), I'd be grateful for your advice.

My DF won’t clean, won’t have a cleaner, and I’m certainly not doing it for him, so he lives in a dirty house.

He's in his late 80s. I think by this point it all just gets too much. My relative is 85 and used to be very houseproud. Not they just can't be arsed any more.
I would either go in and do it myself or organise a cleaner.

@Bigearringsbigsmile you could be right. Maybe I have to sit him down and have a conversation - is it me (who works FT & lives 30 miles away), or a cleaner? I just get so frustrated that he has boundless energy for gardening & won't even push the vacuum round once a week!

I think too by the time you get to your late 80s eyesight is not great and you miss a lot. My DM (mid 70s) just doesn't SEE a lot of filth that she used to. She's never exactly been house-proud and she hates the idea of a stranger in her house 'poking around' 🙄but her idea of cleaning the bathroom is not the same idea as mine! There is just dust EVERYWHERE and I don't think she sees it.

My dad is late 70's and exactly the same....he does give the house a good hoover once a fortnight. The dust tho.....🤢 But credit to him he's had to do absolutely everything when my mum was ill. I think people get set in their ways at a certain age. Maybe suggest a home help for a couple of hours a week??

@LipstickLil you make a good point about eyesight. Dad has very recently had cataract surgery on one eye, and the other will follow shortly. (He was also using cloth handkerchiefs yesterday despite very clear instructions from the nurse not to in case they cause infection, hence my concern about his personal hygiene.)

Maybe I should wait a few months until his eyesight is better & see if anything improves before tackling him about the cleaning.

@shellyleppard he has more than enough money for a cleaner, but he doesn't like the idea of someone in the house.

Diggerfisher yeah I get that. The older they are the more stubborn they become x

Same here 😒😆. I first suggested he get a cleaner back in the 90s.

My mum's standards have definitely dropped from the immaculate home she insisted on when we were kids so maybe it's normal?

She doesn't clean in between the cleaner's fortnightly visits so every time I'm in the kitchen I start by cleaning all the surfaces and the hob/microwave (oven is beyond my abilities). She always says not to bother and that it doesn't need doing.

Would your dad let you organise a cleaner for him?

Kitchen and bathroom, I can see that. Maybe help him to declutter so he can easily wipe sides etc. You can bulk buy toothpaste very cheaply on Amazon so he never runs out. Forget the dust, it's unlikely to kill him.

Maybe he would like a Roomba? DH would never dust if left to himself, but loves the Roomba. He makes a big to-do about emptying, cleaning the brushes etc.

But yes I would say its fairly common for elderly ppl to let hygiene slip.

I think pick your battles. If he wants to live in a dirty house - fine. But make sure he has toothpaste / cleans his teeth , if that's possible.
As for the toilet - if it was me if would do a quick spray and wipe clean of that before using it.

I'd be a bit wary of getting a Roomba for an elderly person. What if he tripped over it and injured himself?

I think focus on what's really important OP. A bit of dust isn't going to kill him, but not cleaning his teeth is obviously a bigger issue. I can't understand why he didn't notice that he didn't have any toothpaste though and go and get some! A week is a long time to go without cleaning your teeth. Is his memory okay? Does he make a shopping list?

Some older people definitely get more stubborn as they get older. They also seem to want to do only what they want to do instead of what needs doing eg your father wanting to do the gardening not housework. I find myself going that way myself and I'm only in my sixties.
Also can view having help round the house as a sign of loss of agency and a lack of moral fibre, my own very fit mid eighties mother did when I suggested getting someone in to mow her huge lawns after my father died, even though by then I was doing them for her, she was still doing all the rest of the garden. It was seemingly fine for me to do it but getting someone in was just beyond the pale because they'd never needed help before( work that one out). It took me bursting into tears and saying I couldn't do it any more as well as my own for her to reluctantly agree.
As Quentin Crisp said, after 4 years the dust doesn't get worse. It won't harm your father even though it might look awful.
If he refuses a cleaner could you stick some bleach down the loo when you go round for hygiene. Otherwise let him have a dirty house, he's not bothered. Obviously if it becomes an actual health hazard you will need to be more vociferous about him getting help in.

Mum is the same, doesnt see dust, doesnt see dirty counter tops, dirty table and her bathroom is grosse

She lives with me , has her own bedroom, sitting room and bathroom. So yes I obviously i keep the kitchen and shared areas clean and whilst Ive the vaccum on I go in and do her floors, but I have to whizz in and out of her bathroom to get that hygienic when shes away getting her hair or feet done. She doesnt like me to do it, she thinks shes keeping up with it. Dust, she can live with that, she has too much clutter for me to be taking that on as well

Same with my lovely old relative. He can't see the dirt.
Doesn't want me to vacuum, says he has booked a cleaner/ she has just been/ that I am too fussy.
I was trying to overlook it.
Until the infestations.
I now have nightmares about insects and am washing everything at 60 degrees.
I try not to eat in the flat. I bring my own food and drink because there's a constant serious risk of e coli.
I need a large print book or poster called "Hygiene for the very old". i am sure someone has written it. just need tp find it.

This. I've been around this merry go round with my dad many times and have finally jumped off it.

He's lived alone for almost 30 years after being widowed. He's always been a slob but has always paid a cleaner. She retired a few years ago and he won't have anyone else. His house is exactly as the OP describes her father's.

I've tried sorting a cleaner, he won't have it. He has plenty of cash but is getting very stingy in his old age and is also paranoid that everyone is trying to rip him off. He'd much rather I just did it for him. The state of the house is revolting and he minimises it. Whenever I clean it for him he tells me he's just done that when it's absolutely pigging. In his defence I think his eyesight is poor and makes it hard for him, but he's a slob and he can afford to pay someone to do all this for him but refuses. I've got a full time job and a house and family of my own, I refuse to do this for him. So he just lives in filth.

Sorry I have no answers OP. I will be following with interest to see if someone else has the solution

Dh is the same and he’s only in his 60s. I have always thought it’s just a male condition. I do agree with the eyesight issue though as I’ve noticed I don’t clean as well if I’m not wearing my reading glasses!

You could sit him down and have that conversation and he might agree to do more himself but I would bet my house it won't happen in reality.

Yes maybe a male thing @Alphabet1spaghetti2 DH never sees dust. He does all the cooking these days and the area round the hob and prep areas gets wiped down every time, but other worktops in the kitchen accumulate non-kitchen clutter and he never touches them.

My Nan was the same, and it turned out she couldn't see the crumbs/stains that were all over her house and clothes. Several times I pointed out that a jumper was dirty and she would look at it but was unable to see the stain.

@TeaAndStrumpets my Dh will clean properly if I show and ask him too. (So I do it myself as it’s quicker!)
So is it a convincing act to just get out of doing it?
or is it a viewpoint/mindset, as Dh says, the dust isn’t doing anyone any harm (eg skirting boards!) or costing money sitting there (eg dust on mantlepiece) and doesn’t get any deeper past a certain point (eg garage floors/dust/leaves etc)
Whilst I see the logic in his counterpoints, I just can’t be comfortable in his level of (non) cleaning, whilst he is comfortable with my higher (imo) standards.
I suspect most men probably secretly harbour the same views regarding dirt, coupled with poor visions and the universal blinkers which means you just don’t see how bad it’s got after awhile. This latter one certainly applies to me too with certain things like cleaning the exterior of my car, I just don’t see the dirt after 6months of autumn/winter then have that omg moment.

Maybe he thinks he's nearly 90 and a bit of dirt hasn't killed him yet, he might feel its all a bit pointless as it will only get dirty again. I can understand why he doesn't want anyone in the house but maybe he might agree if you arrange it for him with someone you know.

Eyesight is definitely a factor . Plus an inability to crouch down to clean low surfaces . Lack of energy too .It all gets overwhelming for them.With my parents the solution was to pay a cleaner for my house whilst I did theirs!

Yeah I have to say this resonates with me. My DF is 86 and we lost my DM 9 years ago. He is pretty good at cooking and eats well/ healthy. He has a really great cleaner who comes weekly and also changes the bed for him but OMFG his house is a bloody tip. Books and papers everywhere, old bits of projects he starts and never finishes, tools, nuts and bolts over all the tables, surfaces. He never does any washing up between his cleaner coming and his kitchen is always a mess. His fridge is a health hazard ( recently found yogurts at the back that were three years out of date!

His carpets and sofas need cleaning but every time I suggest a company to do it he says he will get round to it. I should say he is wealthy and has more than enough money to pay for home
Improvements.

He spends hours in his garden but it still looks like a rubbish tip.

He seems to wear the same jumper and trousers every time
I see him- he has loads of decent clothes and tells us not to buy him any more but he just won't wear them so he walks about looking like Compo from Last of the Summer Wine!

Any attempt me and my DBro make to help him tidy up results in it reverting to a tip a week later. So we have just given up as it is a total waste of time. Sigh...