Should I bother asking my brother for help.

[frick]

Hi.
This turned to be longer than I thought it would be! Advice or opinions would be really helpful - thank you, just trying to get my head round stuff.

My DM is 82 and was diagnosed with vascular dementia a few weeks ago. She is still independent and doing well, but I’m thinking about the future, as much as I can at this stage.
My dad died 5 years ago. I was their main support during his illness and have continued to support mum since then. I’m getting better at pacing myself but it can be overwhelming at times - I also work, have DCs etc. I live in the same town as mum.
My brother lives about 30 mins away. He has no DC, he works - he and his wife are pretty insular and cut off .
During dad’s illness, and in the years since then, I’ve reached out several times to ask if my brother can offer any support. Particularly during the lockdowns when mum was was very isolated I asked if he could even just call her - most requests for support are routinely met with a flat no, he says he’s “too busy”. He generally sees her once a year at Christmas- very much on his terms - sometime in December, but he has told me Christmas Day is for “him and his wife “ and he won’t budge on seeing - or hosting - mum other than a quick pop in to hers at some point during Christmas.
I’ve stopped asking for his support. It’s just another thing to do, and causes frustration and resentment (which I try and work on).
Mum grieves for her relationship with him. Growing up, our childhoods weren’t perfect (who’s was?!), in fact I had a more difficult relationship with mum who was very critical of me and he was the golden child. I’ve done a lot of healing in my relationship with mum in recent years.
So, I guess what I’m looking for advice on is, do I even bother reaching out to my brother regarding mums diagnosis, if he can see her a bit more, or help out? Mum has told him about it, and he’s not been in touch since with her, or me - which is standard.
I guess I’m anxious about the future, about holding it all and keeping things together at home. I’ve been in touch with the dementia society which was v helpful. DH is great and I have lovely friends. But I’ve been circulating (again) around feelings of resentment and frustration towards my brother - because, ideally, he’d be active in helping mum and planning for the future with me.
Should I save myself the hassle of reaching out and most probably being ignored or given some excuse as to why he can’t get involved? If I was to text him, what woukd you say? I’ve tried both empathy, and directness. I’ve never really told him explicitly how frustrated and disappointed I feel - maybe that’s all that is left to say, but I can’t see really what good that would do (apart from being satisfying!).
Thanks so much for reading this far. I actually feel a bit clearer just having written that. Opinions or experiences would be welcomed.

From experience I'd worry about getting things in order for your DM first. While your DM is still pretty lucid get a POA nominating you as attourney, it will help a lot later on and look into attendance allowance and pension credits for if she needs carers at some point.
Your DB seems very detached from you both so it's better if you don't rely on him, I know that's unfair but I had a sibling who left all the work to me and it was better without them in the end.

He isn't going to he helpful, is he though. And it sounds as if you have asked multiple times before and it just causes stress and upset for you.

Being the golden child is not a role without price. It sounds as if your DB has grown up being led to believe the world should revolve around him and as a consequence doesn't see he should do stuff back for his parents.

He may also have his own interpretation on what his childhood was like and won't see it the same way you do.

It's wonderful you and your mum have been able to heal. I would just concentrate on your own relationship with her now.

I was once you, OP. Expect nothing from 'D'B and make sure your mother has a will, not necessarily leaving anything to you, just make sure that it expresses her wishes. Your DB will suddenly become terribly interested once your mother passes away.

Thanks for you replies - all really helpful.
Yes, I have LPA@Daleksatemyshed , and it’s on my to do list to look into attendance allowance.
@AnnaMagnani , you are absolutely right - he is very entitled, generally, so I shouldn’t really expect him to be any different when it comes to this matter.
@Cathbrownlow - thank you, and you are exactly right- the only time he showed much interest at the time of dad’s death was around financial matters, and when he realised there was no money to be had, he went very quiet again!

Think if his help would actually be more difficult. Some things are easier to navigate without comments but no help.

That's horrible. I'm sorry he's no help.

I'd agree, just get on as best you can without trying to get support from him - look for it elsewhere. And again, agree about getting the paperwork for LPA and will locked down now if possible.

I think you should ask him for support but not expect that you'll get anything from him. Perhaps you could mitigate the frustration and stress that asking causes you by writing to him, rather than calling him. That way he can't say he would have helped but he was unaware that you were struggling with your mum's care. Calling his mother would only take a few minutes out of his very busy day anyway, and is the least he could do.
As upthread, get a POA in place while you still can.

Another one from experience here. Do not bother with your brother. So long as he’s been informed that’s all you need to do. You have and definitely will have enough on your plate just looking after your mum and yourself. Don’t add to your potential worries and work load.

I would still message him, even though you know the answer will be no or just no response. I would have to say my piece and did so to my siblings when I was in a similar position. I even said to them "Dad would be ashamed of you" which was absolutely true but which made absolutely no difference to what little they did.

Sadly even 'Golden' children can have their own childhood traumas to deal with. They don't always heal from it the way you seem to have done.

Better not to rely or have hope of anything useful from your brother. The past has already given you a glimpse into the future.

Better to focus on your mum and her care needs without any expectations.

I would send him a message telling him of the diagnosis, but don’t ask him to do anything , as he won’t. He is more likely to dig his heels in. Sadly this happens, it happened to me . It depends also if you want a relationship with your brother going forward.

I probably would not contact him but if you decide you do want to engage with him then ‘duties’ he could perhaps assist with are:
-fitting a key safe
-helping with the Attendance Allowance paperwork
-writing to her Council to see if she can get reduction in Council Tax
-writing to her electricity & gas provider to get her on theIr vulnerable list
-researching falls pendant

Thanks so much to you for reading and replying. It’s helping me to recognise what I think I knew already, deep down - not to hope for his help/a sudden change in his response.
I just find it so hard to understand/accept how anyone could be so uncaring. I also wonder what would actually happen to mum if I wasn’t around. No point in speculating 🤷🏻‍♀️
Thanks again for your insights.

Being the Golden Child fucks you up just as much as being the scapegoat.

He's not helping so come to terms with that and set limits with your Mum before you burn out. Social services will do as little as possible and hospital will assume you can cope.

My sister was of absolutely no help at all when our Dad fell poorly and needed support. Her idea of helping was to just make things 10 x times harder and in the end, Dad said "please stop letting her get involved".

But, do get POA so you can deal with her financial affairs and make medical decisions - nothing made me more angry than when my sister started making demands when Dad was admitted to a hospice. Luckily Dad was lucid enough to tell his consultant that they weren't to listen to her and I was to make his medical decisions.

It's utterly shit when it falls to you, but there is little point stressing and wanting to change it. And I bet he'll get 50/50 of any money.... sigh.

I’ve done a lot of healing in my relationship with mum in recent years

no one has a perfect childhood, but this statement is very telling. If you had to focus on healing your relationship, then you need to accept that your brother may have a good reason for keeping his distance. People who have the normal level of imperfect but loving parents don’t need to heal as adults.

he has established healthy boundaries that work for him and you need to respect those boundaries. The support you have given and continue to give your parents is your choice.

I'd prioritise planning for your mum's care needs. What were her plans for coping as she aged? Has she arranged POA?
What exactly is 'overwhelming' if she is 'independent'. The future?
It's getting to rainy day time. Consider getting people going through the door when necessary. Outsource as much help as you can to outside agencies. Drip feed them in now. Carers, gardeners, cleaners, local handymen, chemist delivery, online shopping, taxis etc etc as appropriate and remember today is the best she will ever be. This is a marathon and your own family and mental health come first.
Be careful too your frustration and resentment at your DB isn't being misdirected. Your 'critical' DM may have or may develop expectations of 'duty'. Don't fall into that trap. Like your brother, you will live with the results of your choices.

Don’t bother. It will just add more to your workload. It has dawned on me in the last 2 years that, although I am one of many siblings/step siblings, the care of my parents will ultimately fall to me. Everyone else is “too busy” or “too stressed” but really, too bloody selfish to think of anyone but themselves. And, whilst I take on board a pps point about unhealthy relationships and needing to create boundaries, EVERY SINGLE one of my siblings have tapped up my parents for significant (at least 5 figure sum) cash help at some point. Gifts mostly, occasionally loans. Funny how they didn’t need boundaries then? I am the only one who has never asked them for a bean and I never will.
I’ve accepted that it’s going to fall to me and I’m taking steps to make that easier (moving to a house with a separate annexe for them) I’m fortunate that I can afford to do that and that my DH is on board with it. If we didn’t, they would just be….left. Not ok in my eyes.

Some food for thought here definitely. @Ponderingwindow - interesting point and perspective . I guess there are times when I do go beyond my boundaries/limits so therefore I suppose feel more frustrated by my brother’s lack of involvement - that’s not on him, I need to practice recognising and respecting my own needs and limits too.
Yes, @Sunnnybunny72 - I meant I’m overwhelmed/getting my head around planning for the future. During my dad’s decline I got very burnt out, juggling everything, and I don’t want that to happen again, as it did affect me and my family adversely. That’s why I’m trying to get plans in place. I’ll start with attendance allowance and also get a sense of care agencies locally. Thankfully she already has a cleaner, occasional gardener etc. I’m aware of my tendency to feel over responsible and duty bound and I’ll hold that in mind, moving forwards.

Thinking further on what Pondering has said and your comment that DBro was only interested in financial matters, then maybe I'd send this text:

Hi Bro,
Mum has had a vascular dementia diagnosis confirmed by her GP. She has been told. She is reasonable all things considered but not amazing. Just letting you know that I am now going to focus her remaining funds on getting paid-for care to assist her. I'm assuming you don't have a problem with this. Frick

Then I'd see what comes back and proceed accordingly.

@DisforDarkChocolate - you know, weirdly, I’ve never thought about that - the impact on my brother of being the golden child. I guess was focused on my own healing/impact of my own position within the family we grew up in. But it’s something to think about and definitely gives a broader perspective.
@Buildingthefuture - I can relate - just leaving the parents to get on with it does not seem right to me, either.

@Mum5net - I think that might be an effective way to get a response!

@Mum5net that message will move him for sure, DM spending her money on herself? I may be cynical but I've seen this SO many times, the family members who do nothing to help but turn up at a sniff of money. One thing on your list I'd question @Mum5net , don't let him put up the key safe, it might be better if he doesn't know the pin number Op

You need to get POA organised urgently.

One brother and I look after Mum. The other does little, partly due to distance and partly due to issues within his family unit that require alot of support. But the key to this working well is that he knows better than to comment on any aspect of what we do. Too often you hear of uninvolved children expressing opinions on how a parent should be cared for but we are all clear that he can have an opinion but in the absence of her having capacity ŵe will make decisions based around her best interests and our capacity to support.