Should I bother asking my brother for help.

[frick]

Hi.
This turned to be longer than I thought it would be! Advice or opinions would be really helpful - thank you, just trying to get my head round stuff.

My DM is 82 and was diagnosed with vascular dementia a few weeks ago. She is still independent and doing well, but I’m thinking about the future, as much as I can at this stage.
My dad died 5 years ago. I was their main support during his illness and have continued to support mum since then. I’m getting better at pacing myself but it can be overwhelming at times - I also work, have DCs etc. I live in the same town as mum.
My brother lives about 30 mins away. He has no DC, he works - he and his wife are pretty insular and cut off .
During dad’s illness, and in the years since then, I’ve reached out several times to ask if my brother can offer any support. Particularly during the lockdowns when mum was was very isolated I asked if he could even just call her - most requests for support are routinely met with a flat no, he says he’s “too busy”. He generally sees her once a year at Christmas- very much on his terms - sometime in December, but he has told me Christmas Day is for “him and his wife “ and he won’t budge on seeing - or hosting - mum other than a quick pop in to hers at some point during Christmas.
I’ve stopped asking for his support. It’s just another thing to do, and causes frustration and resentment (which I try and work on).
Mum grieves for her relationship with him. Growing up, our childhoods weren’t perfect (who’s was?!), in fact I had a more difficult relationship with mum who was very critical of me and he was the golden child. I’ve done a lot of healing in my relationship with mum in recent years.
So, I guess what I’m looking for advice on is, do I even bother reaching out to my brother regarding mums diagnosis, if he can see her a bit more, or help out? Mum has told him about it, and he’s not been in touch since with her, or me - which is standard.
I guess I’m anxious about the future, about holding it all and keeping things together at home. I’ve been in touch with the dementia society which was v helpful. DH is great and I have lovely friends. But I’ve been circulating (again) around feelings of resentment and frustration towards my brother - because, ideally, he’d be active in helping mum and planning for the future with me.
Should I save myself the hassle of reaching out and most probably being ignored or given some excuse as to why he can’t get involved? If I was to text him, what woukd you say? I’ve tried both empathy, and directness. I’ve never really told him explicitly how frustrated and disappointed I feel - maybe that’s all that is left to say, but I can’t see really what good that would do (apart from being satisfying!).
Thanks so much for reading this far. I actually feel a bit clearer just having written that. Opinions or experiences would be welcomed.

No. I don’t think you should ask. He’s set very clear boundaries that he doesn’t want much of a relationship with your Mum.

I won’t be providing any care at all to my Mother when she is old, I have told her this as well. If my sister decides to, which I think she will, she’s on her own. Try calling adult social care if you need help.

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis OP. Dementia is such a cruel disease.
I think you should inform your brother of your mum's diagnosis, but I wouldn't bother asking him for anything (I highly doubt he will offer to help, and he can't later claim that he 'didn't know').
I would start making preparations with your mum now for her longer term care, such as POA, seeing whether there is anything she is eligible to claim for, understanding what your mum wants. I personally would ask her about an advanced directive, would she want CPR etc if you think she will engage.
You have obviously been through the caring role before with your Dad and know how exhausting this is likely to be. I would sit and think about how much you can realistically do to support your mum without burning yourself out.
Would it be possible to get some carers to start coming in now (if your mum can afford this privately, or at least get on a waiting list?), see if she is eligible to attend a day centre/activity group etc so she can get comfortable? Organise a cleaner or a meals service if needed? It might be worth speaking with Dementia UK, or at least reading through their website as they may have some helpful advice for you and your mum.
I'm sorry I've derailed a bit, but you sound like a kind daughter who is at risk of running in to exhaustion by taking on too much- I defintely recommend getting as much sorted in advance as possible (especially finance and health POAs, nightmare if not sorted)

Thanks @Saintmariesleuth - that’s all really helpful. Luckily POA is already sorted.

I have 2 older brothers, one of whom lives abroad so not able to be much help with very elderly DM who was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year. Other one lives a couple of hours away but is retired, he has made it up only once in over 12 months. I am NC with him due to his behaviour during our childhood but I keep his daughters informed of what’s going on and they visit fairly regularly. He leaves messages on the phone moaning that no one tells him anything but still never bothers to come up to see his mother. However, I know that as soon as anything happens to her, he won’t be able to get in the car fast enough to claim what he perceives is due to him ( he was the Golden Child to my DM too). Im tempted to send a similar message to the one up thread saying that all her money is going on her care, just to give him a fright!

I’m sorry things are so difficult, dollshose - if you do decide to send the message, let me know how it goes 😉

Or he just can’t be bothered. It’s not just his Mum to consider there’s his sister and leaving her to shoulder the worry and everything else.

It's very difficult when you're the one left supporting and caring and I get the frustration that a sibling isn't helping but ultimately it is their choice.

@frick you feel a duty/need/desire to be there for your mum but your brother doesn't share that and awful as it sounds, that has to be ok too.

I do think writing to him and explaining that even visiting more would help but don't get your hopes up.

Why doesn't she spend her money on care?

It's often the case that one sibling ends up doing most of the care/sorting out for a parent. You can end up feeling burnt out and resentful.

As the other posters have said get POA in place. I would ask your brother if he wants to be included in this. You may want to have some backup with financial/health decisions down the line.

I would also look into getting some carers in when needed.

Alzhiemer's Society is great. I have rung the helpline in tears a few times and have felt much better with their advice and support. The Talking Point webpage is also good for advice.

At the end of the day you can't look after anyone else without taking care of yourself first so try not to get burnt out again. Hope it all goes well

I had a brother who basically 'checked out' when my father was ill - it was left to my other brother and me to do alternate week ends to support my DM. Even she recognised he had done zero - it hurt her after my DF died that he did'nt bother to pop around occasionally to see she was alright (they lived locally to my DM). Roll forward a few years and my DM got dementia and yet again it was my other brother and me that dealt with it. Not sure whether this is a 'male' thing but my Uncle did exactly the same to my GM and left it to Mum and Aunt to deal with! I would reach out to your Brother so at least he is informed - but would plan to run with a plan that does not include your brother. This may sound horrible but you do need to start looking at Care Homes that will take your DM - there will be a stage where she will not be able to live independently - there are 7 stages to dementia - I read the Sally Magnusson book on her DM - not pleasant reading but it does crystalise what the journey is. I wish your luck.

I was in the same position,a disinterested brother.In the end I found it easier to make all the decisions about my mums care.I already had both POAs.
I kept him informed by email of her declining health,admittances to hospital and Care Homes,she was in 3 but he chose not to see her at all in the last 5 years of her life.Oh and I had to share the inheritance !

In all honesty I would write him an old fashioned pen & paper letter explaining the situation so there's no ambiguity about what you need and why you need it. If he responds take it from there. If not , leave it. Just so you know you gave him all the info before it was too late. I wouldn't hold your breath for a response though

Thanks again for all your responses. I do recognise that a sibling checking out is not entirely unusual - just frustrating. Brother is aware of mums diagnosis. And I do have both LPAs.
I think this thread has been really helpful in me starting to accept his position/choice
as well as reminding me that pacing myself will be essential.
Wish me luck! And 🌷to those of you with painful memories of helping your own parents, or who are currently navigating all this.

How sad, in a way. But there must be a wider back story and context going back many years.

Mum grieves for her relationship with him

^ this struck me. I am a parent with a youngish adult son. I do know he loves me though, but we have a difficult relationship, he’s quite chaotic and distant at times (possibly adhd, or even autistic traits) and I also grieve the loss of relationship. I don’t know the reasons for the issues in your mother and brother’s relationship, but I can relate to the grief aspect. Him seeing her only ONCE a year I would say is quite unusual, unless he lives in another country.

Re. you and your brother. Well … you could always “have it out”. He must be clear in his mind as to why he keeps his distance, but has not shared this with you it seems. It might be useful. Or is he just very odd?

But what do you want to get out of it? A closer relationship with your brother? More help with your mother ? Or just the truth? You could edge your way into it, depending on how far you want to go and how useful or helpful you would find it. It seems sad that you alone have this burden, does your brother care about that aspect?

you are exactly right- the only time he showed much interest at the time of dad’s death was around financial matters, and when he realised there was no money to be had, he went very quiet again!

^ Just read that. Sounds a bit more ruthless tbh. Or else is he just emotionally a bit “dead”? I sometimes think quite a lot of people are kind of emotionally dead inside and it is expressed in a certain selfish way, it’s like they’re just very basic for want of a better word.

Unless of course there’s some massive backstory of course. (Hard to know in these threads naturally.)

Or maybe @Ponderingwindow has a major point? It’s hard to know what the “healing” aspect means exactly in this scenario. I think some forms of healing g are about moving away from the issue, others are about engaging …

I just find it so hard to understand/accept how anyone could be so uncaring.

From someone in the same situation, this tells me that you haven’t healed. It means your mum has moved from abusive behaviour to fawning behaviour to get you to do what she wants. As the scapegoat you were bullied into not having boundaries and forced to put everyone else’s needs before your own. It’s still happening and you need to turn that energy tap off.
Work out how much time you will give her and stick to that - she will always want more than you can give. Put her in a home where she can be cared for and visit her for exactly as long as you feel comfortable. That might be 4 times a week, it might be once a month. A lot of caregivers that can’t regulate their input end up ill sadly so definitely pay attention to how you handle this

Great idea. That way he can’t say he “doesn’t know”. Most likely it will make no difference but this way you have put your cards on the table. Glad to hear you have a POA in place. Make sure you have boundaries and you are less likely to get burnout

Good luck with it all. Dementia is so hard ☹️