Mum nearly 90 and so scared of dying

[izimbra]

My mum is 89, turning 90 in a week. She lives with my sister and is usually in reasonable health. She's very disabled through arthritis and her eyesight is poor, but she has a good appetite, cognitively pretty good, doesn't have chronic pain. My sister stuffs her with healthy food - vegetables, fish, pulses, fruit. Her younger and older sister have passed away in the past 4 years, and I credit her diet and my sister's care with my mum's continued good health.

About 12 days ago she picked up a bug and got very chesty. She's on her second course of antibiotics, is up, eating, her colour is ok, her voice is strong, but she's overwhelmed with fear that she could die any moment. I don't know what to say to her. I try to reassure her by pointing out that all her vital signs are good, that she's eating, she's up and about, but she just says 'I'm so scared, I feel terrible'. I think part of what's making her feel 'terrible' is constant fear.

The think is, at nearly 90 it's not unreasonable to expect that death might be round the corner, and I feel like a bit of a fraud not acknowledging this to her when she says it. I don't know how to comfort her. I just try to listen and then distract her with family gossip, but it makes me sad to think of her being scared. :-(

Has anyone else had to deal with this? Any tips?

Just because she does not have a faith, does not mean she cannot draw on a spiritual professional for support. Does she have access to a hospital chaplain? Otherwise you can approach a priest. Find out the local C of E one for where she is for example.

Professionals like chaplains and priests are experienced in navigating end-of-life situations and might have guidance for your sister and/or your mum on how to approach the situation, separate from whether or not she believes in God. Humanist Chaplains also exist in some areas and hospital trusts and would be able to work with your mum and her family to hopefully support her better.

"I would wager that there is not a single believer on this thread who conceives of God as a bloke in a nightie!"

I would conceive that if you asked a 10 year old Christian to paint a picture of God that's exactly what they'd paint. Would be interested to know when this changes and why.

"Does she have access to a hospital chaplain? Otherwise you can approach a priest. Find out the local C of E one for where she is for example."

For what?

If you're a Christian you accept that belief in God and worship of him is central to entering heaven.

The Bible is explicit on that score.

Last thing I'd want to do is expose my mum to influence from people who may think she could be tortured for eternity after death for not believing in and worshipping God.

Good grief 🤦‍♀️

Also - my mum is 90. She's not dying. She's at home eating egg sandwiches and reading the newspaper.

She'd be HORRIFIED if I suggested she talk to a priest or a vicar. She'd think I'd taken leave of my senses.

Yes, this is how I feel. And I hope the process will be quick. If my life turns to misery and pain, and loss of dignity- I shall choose the time. I should be allowed to do this here, in my own country, in my own home- but stupid UK Laws mean I will have to travel alone to Switzerland. Alone for fear of my loved ones being accused of helping and self interest. I have set the money aside, just in case, and myde my wishes in the case of above, abundantly clear to all in my family, GP and solicitor.

I am with Esther R on this one, all the way.

There have been some lovely, thoughtful replies here and some truly dreadful ones.

I agree with those who have said that her fear is natural, that it is harder to reconcile yourself to death when it is by mere virtue of your age, imminent.

@fungipie "I am with Esther R on this one, all the way"

I have so much respect for her and her life's work.

If anyone can shift hearts & minds on this it's her.

I agree with jollying your mum along and discussing plans for the spring/summer. Being 90 does not automatically make anyone ready to pass away without worry. Perhaps the GP could offer some medication to reduce her anxiety? I definitely would not use the phrases 'We all have to die sometime', or 'well you are 90 mum'. Can't see how that would help in any way. Just soothing her fears and discussing more positive subjects would be my way of dealing with it. All the best op.

I'm not Christian although I do love Jesus. I'm more of a Hindu with Buddhist leanings. I believe in a formless all-pervasive God who can manifest in many different ways depending on the heart's desire of an individual. For me, the universe is created, sustained and upheld by an energy called the Divine Mother. I know that you can't summon up any belief, and I'm not blaming you for it. I wish you and your mum well. May all the beings in all the worlds be happy x

Her fear is natural, why would anyone not be afraid of leaving their loved ones behind and being gone?
I would ask her what she is most fearful of or regrets not doing and maybe do some of those things? It maybe there is someone she's wants to make peace with or somewhere she regrets not going which is adding to her state of mind. Most of all remind her you love her and that she won't be alone x

My Dad died last year, liver cancer. He was dreadfully frightened and fought death right to the very end. He tearfully said one day that he didn't want to leave us all.

I'm more shocked by people who aren't frightened of death, tbh. It's a very real, very human emotion.

So it’s not necessarily fear, more distress at leaving (forever) their loved ones. Who wouldn’t be upset.

I agree with jollying your mum along and discussing plans for the spring/summer. Being 90 does not automatically make anyone ready to pass away without worry

This. Yesterday I reminded my dad (92 next month) of his ambition to see my granddaughter reach 21, in nine years' time. Which he's keen to do.

@PeterGabrielsunderpamts "I'm not Christian although I do love Jesus. I'm more of a Hindu with Buddhist leanings. I believe in a formless all-pervasive God who can manifest in many different ways depending on the heart's desire of an individual. For me, the universe is created, sustained and upheld by an energy called the Divine Mother."

A sort of 'pick and mix' spirituality. I understand the appeal, but I'm just not capable of believing in the truth of something because it's emotionally convenient.

Emotionally convenient? No, it's not that really. It's more a kind of spiritual hunger that nothing else, nothing worldly, can assuage. It's a sense that life is lacklustre without God

@PeterGabrielsunderpants

Many would argue that life is most lacklustre when tied to religious philosophy. The fact is @izimbra has stated that her mother is not religious so all of these religious interludes are presumably unhelpful and unwelcome.

@izimbra
Sometimes we just need to be allowed to voice our despair a little, while we are coming to terms with what is. Sometimes despair around dying is an actual symptom of being unwell. Hopefully she improves and gets back on an even keel soon.

Spirituality does necessarily equate with religion.

The spirit or essence of personality/character inside all of us - and what leaves the body at death is what people mean by spirit. I remember when my father died last year I said ‘he’s gone’ - lots of people say this. His body wasn’t gone but HE was. Him. His animated lovely self. His ‘spirit’.

We all have it, religious or not.

Even though I’m a Christian, in times of fear I sooth my spirit with various things - nature, music, distraction, silence, prayer and strangely a Buddhist idea that nothing lasts. Pain, fear, dying - it all ends one way or another. Even stones in the desert erode.

Despite my religious beliefs, I’m terrified of dying. I totally relate to your mum . Not death itself but the process of dying. I just hope I get to die at a good old age with lots of drugs. Perhaps ask her what she’s scared of and promise you will make it as least scary as possible when the time comes. If my children did this, it would help me.

Each to their own, Aspergallus.
Yes, maybe all this talk of religion and spirituality is not useful given that the OP and her mum don't have faith. Maybe the only way forward is to express love, and then some more love, to the elderly mother. That is religion to me

It's funny really. My friends mom has been talking openily about her funeral for about 17 years . She's 87 now. What she wanted. What photos to use. She wouldn't spend any money on her house as what would be the point. Then she attended an event with my friend geared at the elderly and how to get their affairs in order kind of thing. When an DNR was discussed , my friend was gobsmacked when her mom told her she wanted every intervention possible for as long as possible and where's theirs life theirs hope.

I hope this is a practical suggestion, @izimbra

this woman is a palliative care medic and has lots of advice about what death is and how to talk about it and what needs to be spoken about. She’s walking compassion.

having some insight into this stuff might help your mum. At her age she must have lost lots of people she cared for and maybe some of them had deaths that she fears?

you sound lovely. I’m glad for her that she has two daughters who care for her, it’s very cheering.

https://www.kathrynmannix.com/

Sometimes it can help to acknowledge the fear and discuss it.

Skirting around it and pretending it's not a thing is likely to make her feel even more isolated.

I have thought about this and when i am scared of the thought of death I remind myself I came to consciousness from the warmth and security of the womb. I believe at death Nature equally looks after us as we go back the unknowable, as it did when we were created.
this connection with Nature is something i need to feed and whether one is religious or not is often not honoured in our lives. It is however often very important to us as children and there is a reason for that that i think at heart is profound. I don't know if it is possible to support your Mother feeling part of the entirety of creation and that she will be held by that as she goes through these
profound changes.
all best to you and her and her family

i also forgot to add that my Dad literally dropped dead from a heart attack and was brought back.
he said to me that he felt strange but no fear and no pain. and that he didn't fear
it happening again. that has been a real gift to me in my life to hear that.

Speak for yourself!

I recommend the end in mind by Kathryn Mannix too