Mum nearly 90 and so scared of dying

[izimbra]

My mum is 89, turning 90 in a week. She lives with my sister and is usually in reasonable health. She's very disabled through arthritis and her eyesight is poor, but she has a good appetite, cognitively pretty good, doesn't have chronic pain. My sister stuffs her with healthy food - vegetables, fish, pulses, fruit. Her younger and older sister have passed away in the past 4 years, and I credit her diet and my sister's care with my mum's continued good health.

About 12 days ago she picked up a bug and got very chesty. She's on her second course of antibiotics, is up, eating, her colour is ok, her voice is strong, but she's overwhelmed with fear that she could die any moment. I don't know what to say to her. I try to reassure her by pointing out that all her vital signs are good, that she's eating, she's up and about, but she just says 'I'm so scared, I feel terrible'. I think part of what's making her feel 'terrible' is constant fear.

The think is, at nearly 90 it's not unreasonable to expect that death might be round the corner, and I feel like a bit of a fraud not acknowledging this to her when she says it. I don't know how to comfort her. I just try to listen and then distract her with family gossip, but it makes me sad to think of her being scared. :-(

Has anyone else had to deal with this? Any tips?

Speak for yourself, I don't need a god to help me come to terms with life/death

No it's not.

My DM is the same, despite her apparent faith. Her GP prescribed her antidepressants which have really helped her although she is dismissive of needing them (just a placebo, according to her!).

What a load of bollocks . I’m an atheist , have had 2 near death experiences personally and on both occasions never felt the need to pray or felt I needed spiritual help .

A dear friend of mine, aged 85 and in failing health, decided to tackle it all head on and I accompanied him to a natural burial site he wanted to look at, then we went to a nearby pub to see if it would be suitable for a wake. He has chosen the poetry, music, readings from Shakespeare and has a list of what flowers he wants on his grave. He knows exactly who will be doing the readings, and has chosen the food and drink. He is also scared of death and is an atheist, but has felt better I think being able to discuss all this with friends as he chooses things and it's been an opportunity to talk about it indirectly in some ways as we discuss what his favourite wild flowers are, or whether champagne or prosecco would work best! I say this to give an example of how death might be talked about with some humour and then move on. It has to come from the person though, I suppose, not those around them.

This definitely something that I find helpful. My dad (91yo) in particular has a tendency to get a bit morbid during the winter (when he's prone to chest infections) and since 2020 always seems to assume he won't see another summer. Inevitably, once Spring rolls around, his mood picks up and we make plans (modest and achievable) which give him things to look forward to (he was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, but it seems to be very slow moving and he has refused any treatment).

My mum has a touch of dementia, and doesn't seem to consider death or her age at all, which is a blessing. She's already outlived one husband, all her younger siblings and one adult offspring, so seems to feel quite invincible. She is also resistant to using a frame or a chair, which has shrunk her life a bit, unlike my MIL (90) who loves an opportunity to get out and about as long as someone else is pushing her.

Updating their Will and putting POAs in place also made them feel more in control, and we do talk about their eventual deaths. I am probably more anxious than they are.

@Drench

What on earth are you on about?

Athiests can make peace with death without fairy stories about some guy living above the clouds.

Athiests are usually people who believe in science, nature, our place on this planet in the solar system, beyond the solar system, the universe, the persistence of all matter from the big bang to the present time, the persistence of the matter that makes us beyond death.

Fairy tales aren't necessary to make peace with death. This is just a 90 year old woman with a recent health scare who is having an understandable moment of worry. Suggesting she needs a religion to get through this is fantastically narrow-minded.

When my mother (over 80) became unwell, I stayed with her, sitting by her bed at home.
At one point she woke and asked 'am I going to die tonight?'
I probably said 'no' (because usually if you're well enough to ask you're well enough not to die) - but this was a long time ago, so can't say for certain.
BUT her health was on a slippery slope from then, she was hospitalised soon after and did die within a week or two.

It's a tough one.
I know enough to know that anticipatory meds exist, so that we should not suffer when the time comes. Hospitals and GPs can prescribe these painkillers and sedatives that are on hand if they are needed.
Maybe this kind of knowledge would be helpful for her? Depends how you can start the convo, though.

Getting her out into daylight and fresh air could do wonders.
We can be so silly, allowing our worlds to shrink (not using wheelchair and therefore staying in and getting more and more miserable) because of pride.

This nurse has a lot of useful videos.

Ffs. What an idiotic statement.

Seconded. As well as the brilliant Atul Gawande book mentioned by a PP, I'd also recommend With the End in Mind by Dr Kathryn Mannix, who talks about exactly this, and The Book about Getting Older by Dr Lucy Pollock.

There's a tendency to shut down conversations like this because they make us all feel sad and uncomfortable and we don't want to say the wrong thing, but it might ease your mum's anxiety of she could try to talk to you a bit about what it is she feels frightened about- is it the process of dying, being in pain, things undone, existential fear of not being here etc etc. For some of these things you can talk together and make a plan which might make her feel better- for example, if she did get more unwell, is there anything she would like to happen or not to happen? Can you talk to her doctor about what her options would be?

For more existential/spiritual fears you obviously can't offer practical solutions but just talking can help, as can thinking together about what she would find comforting. People often have very specific worries that they don't feel they can tell anyone (my granny was very worried about her garden, for example- sounds silly in the context of death but it's not really, to be concerned about the things you care about after you've gone).

@Drench what an insensitive and patronising reply.

I'm sure the OP's mum has lived and seen more than you and has come to her own conclusions about faith

Yes, it could be connected to the virus she had.
I recently had COVID for the first time. I tested positive for 3 weeks. I felt exactly like this but then woke up feeling like I had a new lease of life and tested negative.

I'm in my 70s and have a number of chronic conditions. I'm also a happy atheist. Can you try to get to the bottom (or nearer to it than you are currently) of your Mums fear?

I'm not frightened at all of being dead. How could I be? I believe that when you die, that's it, no more "you". The two things that do frighten me is potential pain and lack of control while I'm busy doing it. The other thing is how my daughter will take it. We are very close but I try to console myself with the fact that she has a good partner who loves her very much.

On the pain thing, well, currently it's in the hands of fate. So I guess I'll just have to get on with it.

What utter drivel.

I have looked after many older patients who were scared of dying; because dying can be a scary unpleasant process, it's basically fear of the unknown & also of leaving loved ones and of leaving life itself behind.

People underestimate the human will to live, which can be very strong even in the most sick, terminally ill patients.

I found this with my mum (sadly just 74) who deteriorated suddenly one night from her terminal cancer.

She was given high doses of medications by the paramedics at 2am while in her flat that should have lessened her very high breathing rate (with the side effect that she might pass away) but she waited all night with a respiratory rate of 40 breaths a minute until she was taken out of her flat to the hospice in the morning before passing away literally half an hour after she arrived.

She'd been determined to not die in her flat and the hospice only took admissions in the morning! I was with her, and it was very traumatic, but she'd held on and got her wish.

Thank you for the thread OP. It’s very timely as I was just today discussing my worries over my mum. In her late 80s she seems really quite scared and I don’t know how to help her. She’s scared of losing her husband, scared of changes if she has to move from home, and very scared of dying.

I think it’s very understandable. I can’t imagine that inside she feels much different to me at my age, and I would be scared.

The only thing I could think of was to try to find some things for her to look forward to. I actually think she would really benefit from some counselling, but that doesn’t seem to exist unless suffering a terminal illness.

It’s pretty bonkers that a 90 year old can’t face the reality that they might be dying. Well, not really. It’s easy to face the prospect of dying when it’s a distant prospect. I had a nasty shock when I realised I’ve probably got fewer than 20 summers left, maybe only 10 in my garden

I really feel for you and her. The fear of death is hard to contend with, given that we all have to die and she's elderly. I'm young and very afraid of death; unfortunately I don't think death anxiety always lessens with age.

Agree with previous posters that she might want to talk about her fears around the dying process. My grandparents were fairly adamant about what they wanted to happen when they were hospitalised, and knowing they wouldn't suffer was comforting to them. My grandparents were also quite religious, which admittedly did help a bit with any existential anxiety.

If she is panicking, anxiety medication might be beneficial. It won't help with the fear of death but it might stop any panic attacks, which can feel like you're dying.

Second reading 'With the End in Mind' by Dr Kathryn Mannix. We are terrible at talking about death in our society/culture and she addresses this, and gives practical advice that is so helpful.

A sense of impending doom is actually a symptom of sepsis so be aware of that

I like what you said about finding solice in art, nature and music. I think many people fear not being around any longer and these things remind us that we are a part of something greater, connected to each other in many ways and that makes the future more bearable. I think getting her out in the park will do the world of good.

@DoloresDelEriba
Sending a hug and a shrug. It’s pretty bonkers that a 90 year old can’t face the reality that they might be dying. But not uncommon. . .. And possibly say ‘there’s nothing to be frightened about’ we are here and we love you.

Empathy bypass or what! How do you know there is nothing to be frightened about? No one knows.

People are different and it's pretty vile to call anyone frightened of death or unable to face reality of death "bonkers" no matter their age. Everyone is different. Some people are in pain and tired and ready to die. Some people aren't. Some people are at peace. Some people aren't. Some people have a peaceful death. Some people have grotesquely painful deaths. It's not irrational or 'bonkers' to be frightened of what you don't know especially when you do know it can be horrific.

Nasty to call her 'pretty bonkers'. Until you've walked in her shoes and all that...

I think death is absolutely terrifying and will be all the more so the closer one is to it. It's so terrifying it's unthinkable, unbearable and I'd go insane if I tried imagining it. My feelings are not uncommon.

I think people tend to feel more peaceful about dying if they feel they've achieved things in their lives that are meaningful to them, if they're leaving a positive legacy: loved ones who are thriving and who love them, too; perhaps something they've created, goals they reached or things they wanted to do. Also, feeling content with themselves, as who they are, is most important.

With these things in mind, I'd suggest trying to show her how much you love and appreciate her, your gratitude for what she's given you and your interest in and appreciation of her achievements. Giving a sense of continuity and connection.

With respect, you may not agree with Drench but that is just insulting to those of us with faith.

And for information, many Christians are also “…people who believe in science, nature, our place on this planet in the solar system, beyond the solar system, the universe, the persistence of all matter from the big bang to the present time, the persistence of the matter that makes us beyond death.”