So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

I found with my parent who died that medical staff all assumed someone else had told us - they were under various medical teams at two hospitals so I doubt anyone had put two and two together about what we knew and didn't. I'd already guessed and gone to have a look on one of the cancer support websites - there was info about prognosis sort of tucked away so you could avoid looking at it if you didn't want to. My remaining parent was in denial but I found it easier having some idea what I was dealing with, plus the whole talking to work about it problem was easier with at least some idea of timeframe.

And I've been with a friend to the local Death Cafe which was a surprisingly positive experience. It won't be right for everyone but it's a space to talk through fears, concerns, conflicting emotions and practicalities. My friend has now passed on too but I know they were glad they'd gone to it and it helped with planning.
deathcafe.com

I really appreciate you saying that.

Years ago, someone said to me it will get easier as she gets older.🤦🏽‍♀️

This really has not been the case. Having survived the issues we had this week, I think we can safely say this will go on another 10,15 years possibly more and just accept the inevitability that she will outlive me.

But I suppose today was infuriating because it was another long talk about how much she wants to die, probably about the hundredth one, and yes I do say "can you stop talking about this" every single time....but this talk, following an incident this week where she fought on, from sheer will to live! She clearly wants to live, so why the endless talk about wanting to die?

I did finally tell her today that I am extremely irritated by the fact that if I was to be found dead, she would be shocked. Not just her, to be honest there are other people who would be extremely shocked and say "oh my God, I had no idea Emma was so depressed" when they've actually been told.

Even though she knows, I have been suicidally depressed for years, it's as if she cannot compute the information.

I would really like to see a therapist about this, (the mum bit) but you can't see anyone anonymously and the therapist would likely be horrified too.

I did once meet a lady in a creative writing group, who announced to everybody that she was in therapy because her parents were still alive.

I suppose she had reached the point of zero fucks to give, and it was unlikely that she'd ever bump into anyone of us again?

The gasps around the pub table were very loud and I was the only one who talked to her after the lunch break 😂

It's so bloody difficult. Dh loved his parents dearly and saw them a lot but he always had a psychological reaction after seeing them. Always. I used to wish he could be more detached from them but I don't think it would necessarily have prevented his death.

I'm certain you've heard this a million times Emma but if it's specially bleak today I really hope you will pick up the phone to the Samaritans. Or do something nice for yourself. Dp and I are grinning like loons watching '2 Tone' the documentary on iplayer. But then we're old...

@EmmaEmerald It depends very much on the therapist. The first one I went to was awful and I discovered later the organisation were part of a religious group who are very pro life! The second one I went to was recommended by someone and is much better, I can give you her details if you DM me?

I did find it helpful to talk things through although everyone I've spoken to says it's inherently a shitty situation.

Both of mine are gone now. Some time has elapsed but my MH is crap now. The years have taken their toll. Its so isolating and desperately sad. People seem to think because they were very old, it makes it all alright. With both of them, I was absolutely stunned at the dreadful attitude of some of the staff. Some, not all. I suppose a lot of it is back covering. They are terrified of speaking out of turn.
I replay it over and over and wonder if I could have managed anything differently.

Was on an earlier thread. Dropped off exhausted and the responsibility is so much. Need to get mums fall alarm. Any recommendations
thanks

DMs alarm is provided/commissioned by her local authority, she pays £7 a month towards it. Has your mums council got a similar service?

I was on earlier threads but dropped off. MIL is in a bad way, hallucinating and frightened. BIL and DH are sorting respite care as the live-in carer can't manage any more. I can't imagine she'll ever be able to go home in reality. Next thing will be to clear the house and sell it - hope it sells fast as the money to pay for care will run out soon, she's had care at home for 5 years already.

I don't know how we're going to cope with the next few months. Teen DD is going through a difficult patch and needs attention and work is crazy - add in sorting and selling a house two hours' drive away and we'll go nuts. No prospect of cutting back at work, I can't see what can give.

@NefretForth we have a house to sort on top of DCs, demanding job and trying to preserve a tiny bit of having my own life too - solidarity.

As the one closest to the house, I have been clear with siblings that we will be using professionals, we will shop the house for things DF needs in sheltered accommodation (rented and not sure how long it will be enough for DF or how few months the limited savings will last to pay for care).

I do need to extract the last few things of ours (I have been ashamed I still had stuff there, but in fairness it was hard to spot in/under/behind an extreme hoarder’s piles).

Then, I’ve been researching house clearance auctions and valuing my time and energy - which I’ve been spending with the declining home owner dealing with various crises, so only fumes left for dealing with the house.

If it helps, I learned on MN that the house contents are not valued highly from the point of view of deprivation of assets in paying for care.

Get house clearance in if you can. I had a perception that it was just emptying the house into a skip and precious things might get lost but it wasn't like that at all when we had to use a company to empty a house we'd bought from an overwhelmed elderly person who hadn't got round to packing.

The clearance company kept things like paperwork and old photos to one side for us to pass on. Anything potentially valuable was sold at auction with the company taking a cut, some stuff went to a charity shop or for recycling and anything over went to household waste.

Thanks v much for the tip on house clearance, we may well do that. None of us has time to spare to sort through it all - though at least she’s never been a hoarder.

Well, MIL died this morning, it was very quick in the end, DH got the “come now” phone call this morning and a “no need to rush now” call 40 minutes later while he was in the car. Only yesterday he’d bern discussing moving her to hospice care and the assumption was she’d have a week or two. He’s now in the horrible limbo where you’re over the initial shock but can’t do anything until you’ve registered the death.

And yet my mum endures…

I'm so sorry, @funnelfan


@funnelfan

So sorry @funnelfan. Yes this is an awful period when you’re waiting to register a death and similarly it’s a difficult period whilst you’re waiting for the funeral to take place. Try and take some time for yourselves if you can although it’s often impossible to do that too. With my Mum I was able to speak to a funeral director once I had an appointment made with the registrar.

Sorry, these times are very tough to endure.

Thanks. There will be a difficult decision to make as she was insistent to DH she didn’t want a funeral, but she had a wide range of friends and neighbours and was an active church member, and all are assuming there will be one and asking to be kept informed of details. DH never got to the bottom of why she was so insistent and he was actually planning on asking her again if she was sure and if she had any other requests. We’re both of the opinion that funerals are our cultures ritual for the living - to honour the deceased, to say goodbye and to help with grieving. But also not sure that if we did have one, whether it would help him knowing he’d be going against her wishes. There’s also DSS to consider, who was close to his grandma and is now a young adult so old enough to contribute his thoughts.

DH will of course honour her instruction to be cremated, it’s just the ceremony around it that’s the consideration. Todays job is to start the sadmin and see if he can find any paperwork that gives any more hints as to her thinking (she sometimes kept notebooks with thoughts and sketches).

Our parents both told us very clearly they didn't want funerals. The reason they gave was that it would be too upsetting for the surviving partner. They both have alzheimers now and certainly dad wouldn't even be able to attend a funeral. But we have decided to honour their earlier instructions when the time comes. Some family will be aghast, but tough.

I really feel for you with this dilema. Coul dyou honour her wishes and then hold a gathering at a later date?

Such a tough time and so unregonised. Forgotten people.

I realise this is a sensitive subject with no right or wrong approach because everyone’s situation is unique and I’d never ever criticise someone for following the wishes of the prison who died. I’m sure people who feel strongly enough to leave instructions for their funerals (or no funeral) do it with sincere thought. However there is a small part of me that thinks that, depending on the circumstances, it could be inappropriate and cruel to deny loved ones the comfort of friends and family gathering around them to say goodbye to the deceased. None of us knows how we’ll feel/grieve when the time comes, so to dictate to others how they must do it feels a bit wrong to me.

I’ve no doubt we’ll find a compromise for MIL that honours her wishes. Yes the friends and acquaintances would have to find their own way to mark her passing, but I’ve suggested to DH that an alternative could be for us/DSS to scatter her ashes in suitable place and then have a meal at her favourite restaurant.

Whereas my mum will expect the default funeral service and trimmings, but by the time that comes round there is unlikely to be anyone left who would be able to attend, outside a couple of kind neighbours. But neither DB and I could see mum off without some kind of ceremony even if we just get a celebrant to read the words of the CofE funeral service and pray with us before she’s taken to the crem. Neither DB or I would feel she was “done” otherwise. Even if I felt mostly relief rather than grief, it would be about marking her whole life, not just the most recent few years.

In days gone by, it was not uncommon to have a form of service at home and then straight to the graveyard. Maybe the home service is something that could come back into fashion. The family and close friends support each other without the fuss and unwanted ritual.

@funnelfan My Mum was very definite that she wanted a direct cremation but my step Dad insisted on a religious funeral. Personally I found it really perfunctory and I got no sense of closure or comfort. We had 25 minutes of religious dogma and the eulogy about my Mum was no more than a minute long as the vicar insisted on concentrating on scripture and prayers. I chose some lovely entrance and exit music and read a couple of poems. The vicar managed to mispronounce my Mums middle name despite me emailing him and explaining the correct pronunciation. The service was only attended by a handful of neighbours and my step dad, husband and I as family.
If anything I’m even more resolute that I want a direct cremation when they time comes. I’m also worn out and exhausted from organising everything single handedly and only getting three days bereavement leave from work.,

I’m sorry, that must be difficult when the closest relations don’t agree/one pulls rank.

I’m so sorry @funnelfan 🌺🌺it’s so hard navigating your mils wishes, expectations of others, and your own feelings.

I agree with you @funnelfan that the ceremony (or lack of it) is more for the ones still living and I would have no problem with their wishes being prioritised over the deceased if necessary.

We had a no frills committal for my DF due to practical issues with where he was buried but then a service with all bells and whistles a few weeks later for the people who wanted to come and say goodbye.

There is no right or wrong, I like the idea that the send off is adaptable and can be as much or little as is appropriate for those left behind.