So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

Very sorry for your sad loss.

My mother had a minute of lucidity " Oh XXXXX, I misss you"

Hearbreaking after years of nastiness.

@moggerhanger I know you will be going th mixed emotions right now. The loss is real, but actually you have been getting used to that over the last few years.
The relief is also real, and if you are in any way like me, the relief will be the uppermost feeling right now.
Take care of yourself, and go with whatever emotion comes along. They are all valid.🌻

@moggerhanger Sorry for the loss of your Mum and hope you get plenty of support arranging the funeral and all the other admin work.
I've read about terminal lucidity and believe it's fairly common.

@moggerhanger so sorry for your loss and thank you for updating and sharing about the lucidity 💐
Wishing you strength for the next stage.

Suddenly I feel like a puppet with its strings cut. So very weary! And I haven't been doing all the caring, so I'm a bit baffled why I feel so crap. Ah well, in the wise words of Gallagher Bros., I gotta roll with it.

@moggerhanger I'm so sorry. What you have been through is so terrible. I hope that now your Mum is free you can find peace.

So, my SIL visited her Mum yesterday. I am visiting tomorrow. She says they are not feeding her and has asked me to take her food and drink.
I can of course and I can encourage her to eat and drink.

SIL is not accepting the progression of her Mum's condition.
It is not my usual way to go along with things but I think I need to in this situation i.e. just tell SIL I will do as she asks, but not agree with what she is saying.
It's the responsibility of MIL's care givers to kindly explain to SIL.
I want to be there to support SIL, not be the one to question her.

I experienced similar when my dear Mum was in her last days. My Dad was aghast - "Of course she's going to die if they're not giving her food and drink".
It's a denial of the painful inevitable I suppose.

I experienced similar when my dear Mum was in her last days. My Dad was aghast - "Of course she's going to die if they're not giving her food and drink".
It's a denial of the painful inevitable I suppose

Yes. When my mother was dying of cancer, we nursed her at home, and my oldest sister kept saying that mum would die if she didn't eat.
It is absolutely a denial of the inevitable. From diagnosis till death was two weeks.

@moggerhanger so sorry for your loss

@moggerhanger So sorry for your loss ❤️ I lost my own mum a few weeks ago. She had dementia. One day she got into bed went to sleep and never really woke, she went into what the Dr called Hypoactive dementia I’d never heard of it.
The same night she fell out of bed and cut her head spent 30 hours in A and E. The Dr there said they wouldn’t administer a drip or offer mum a drink, instead a drink would be placed on the bedside cabinet, she’d be told it was there, if she reached out for it she could have it. She never did.
After returning to the care home. I said I wanted them to continue with no fluids, but no they were overjoyed when they got mum to take tiny sips.
This, I think was very cruel mum was very restless, regularly touching her head as if in pain and mumbling and looking distressed all the time. She was like this for eight awful days.
She came around three days before she died. The care home rang and said she’d had a big drink and would be taken off end of life care. I rushed there to be with her but sadly she’d slipped back, I’d missed it.

I insisted on pain relief for her, they administer three lots of morphine over two days then began a syringe driver she died 24 hours later . Thankfully peacefully.
I hope this helps someone else going through this process, it’s clear things need to change. I’m having a hard time processing everything and wish I could go back and insist we did things differently that last week. Don’t be afraid to insist it’s your loved one not theirs.

I'm sorry for your loss too @moggerhanger, i'm sure there are a lot of conflicting feelings.

When my DF was dying it was my DM who wanted to carry on feeding him, though it was a crappy situation because she had previously broken her hip a few weeks before and hadn't been able to carry on caring for him, and he was in hospital by the time she came out. The doctor had spoken to him and he said he didn't want to be fed, but my DM wouldn't believe that that was what he really wanted. I had to say to him in front of DM "you do know this means you're going to die?" so she was clear he was consenting. It was horrible though.

Thanks everyone. I'm still mostly feeling relief. Though I'm discovering that people really don't like it if I say "my mum died". Ooh no, can't use the D word. Have to say "passed away" or "I lost my mum". (With the latter, I feel it just makes me sound absent minded...) Gah.

"Died" seems to be unsayable these days, but I don't know why.

"Passed away" is so twee.

@TheShellBeach isn't it just

Or just "passed". I don't like any of those either, I just say died when referring to my relative. I do feel a bit uncomfortable if I'm talking about someone else's bereavement in case it upsets them because it doesn't seem common to just say died, though I still think it's ridiculous.

We have been told by the Dr at the care home to expect a rapid decline now in DF. He apparently has kidney failure caused by the constant 🐜 they are having to give him this means he can't have any more diuretics as will make his kidneys worse, however, so will the additional antibiotics they are giving him. It was just dropped on us without warning DM was alone visiting so had no support and she was in a terrible state when she called me. I suppose the Dr is saying there is an end in sight to this now for us and DF I feel strangely calm about it no idea why.

That was pretty much the stage we got to with MIL. Her heartfailure meant she needed diuretics as fluid retention was causing massive swelling, pain and respiratory distress but they made her kidney failure worse. They ended up giving her the diuretics to keep her comfortable until she died due to the kidney failure.

@moggerhanger and@TheShellBeach. I avoid using these euphemisms although I suppose it’s about what each individual feels comfortable with. I do think it avoids people actually talking about death and often means that the bereaved person feels they can’t seek support either.

Hello everyone. I think I'm new on this thread. Could possibly have been on previous threads with a different user name but the last 2 years have completely frazzled my brain so it's difficult to know what I have or haven't done tbh! 😑

Like you all, I'm struggling with what has hit us. Very briefly, DM(now 78) diagnosed 2.5 years ago with kidney failure. In hospital, picked up infection and as a consequence is now doubly incontinent and wheelchair/bed bound. DF(81) is carer. We were told she had 3 weeks when they kicked her out of hospital into a care home. And she is still here! They have carers going in 4 x daily to sort DM. I have a male sibling who had a complete tantrum about 18 months ago over some 'slight' my DH made (he didn't) so brother is now NC with our parents and me. He has always been the favourite for DM but has done the square root of sod all, all his life for them.

When DM was diagnosed, my DFIL died too and DMIL is housebound and lives alone so is extremely lonely. My DH has 3 siblings and they all 'do their bit' for their DM. I am not called on to do anything for DMIL.

I work reduced hours, have a wonderful DH, 2 amazing kids. Up until recently, I would go and see my DPs 3 x week and spend 2 hours there each time, sometimes more on a saturday if I take DM out shopping. Since October last year, I've been struggling massively with this and have become very resentful that my whole life seems to be structured around my visits i.e. I'll only see friends/make hair/GP/dentist appointments after work on the days I don't see parents, so I've effectively shut off 2 afternoons a week and Saturdays 9 - 1 or 2pm. I don't have a massive 'commute' to see them; literally 15 mins to drive there. But it's so depressing.

DF has been upbeat up until now and he is now feeling the strain of the day in/day out monotony of it all. I'm encouraging him to accept neighbours/friends offers to sit with DM while he goes off for a cooked breakfast, coffee, gaze out over the cliffs, whatever and he's slowly coming round to the idea that he does need this respite from his responsibilities.

I'm now receiving counselling and have developed boundaries whereby I don't give them fixed visiting days anymore. I tell them that i'll 'see them in the week at some point' but I will always do a saturday morning. I just felt I was on my knees with their needs as well as those of my family (DH in stressful job, DS in Masters year of uni and DD just starting Uni), me being menopausal and having 'empty nest' syndrome - it's all been absolutely SHIT really; on top of my sibling going AWOL and the emotional rollercoaster of the first kind of 12 months whereby we didn't know if DM was going to die or not! The counselling has helped massively though especially when DM starts with the emotional blackmail...'I'd have done it for my mummy'...😖

I don't know why I've decided to type all this out as I'm not sure what I want from it but maybe it's because I've read some of the things you are all going through and I can relate to them, in a small way, and I now don't feel quite so alone in my struggles. Solidarity to you.

I especially relate to @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew and your feelings of just 'FUCK OFF'!!!!! and I don't think I have it half as bad as you.

gosh, so sorry that was so long. Verbal diarrhoea!

Hi @Projectme and welcome back to the thread.
Putting in boundaries is so important. It sounds like you've had an awful couple of years.

@countrygirl99 thank you, i was convinced on the last visit (before this bombshell) that DF has heart failure, he was struggling to breath and his legs are horrifically swollen. Walking is difficult and he keeps being found on the floor after falling, I imagine it won't be long before he is unable to walk at all. They have said there will be a rapid decline now but I cant understand if they mean cognitive or physical. I know it sounds stupid I've booked a big holiday for October and now I keep thinking should I go?

@projectme we have all been there and learnt even though it's difficult to do we have to set boundaries. Last year was awful, I was the same as you and fitting all my own needs around DF and DM I saw my closest fried twice as just didn't have time! Cancelled appointments as I couldn't attend and see to DF and just had an all round awful stressful time. I made a point of saying the new year would bring a change, and I do what suits me now. I still help, still visit but I also put myself and DH first because I realised my life would be a relentless treadmill of seeing to parents needs instead of enjoying life while you can. I can honestly say it was the best thing I could have done. I have worked hard catching up on work that needed doing on my home (that had been ignored in favour of working on parents home) I've been out and enjoyed myself and made up for lost time. I think seeing how my DF has ended up in a home very ill and effectively waiting to die I do not want to spend the years where I should be enjoying the freedom I have.

@Tara336 MIL only lasted about 6 weeks once she got to that stage so I wouldn't rush to any decisions.

Thank you @TheShellBeach and @Tara336

The counselling is helping me realise this Tara. I'm early 50's, still feel fit with no health issues so I am able to live a great life, enjoying friends, socialising, holidaying etc. My DH has also helped me with his attitude towards life inasmuch that yes, we all have to do our bit for our parents but not to the detriment of our own individual lives. We have to fill our own cup first.

Sounds like you've made up for lost time before it was too late; that's my goal too now.