What do we owe our elders?

[petronella23]

We see this topic come up in problems time and time again on mumsnet and I've seen in play out in various forms in my own (large) family and friends' families.

How much responsibility do we have for our elders?

The situation is usually this in some form:

• The elders. Increasing care needs that they're often naive about or in denial of. Feel they shouldn't have to use professional services (be that carers or taxi drivers or anything in between) when they have family who could help them.

• The burdened sibling. Usually the nearest geographically. Very often female. Resentful of the amount of their own lives and time they have to sacrifice in service of the elders. Resentful of siblings who have opted out. Feeling that if they don't do what they do, no one will and elders will suffer.

• The opted out sibling(s). Often geographically further away, or with busy job/young children which serve as both a reason and excuse for their lack of involvement. Take the attitude that 'burdened sibling chooses to do what they do.'

I can see the points of view of both the burdened and the opted out, but wondered what others feel about the dilemma(s) involved.

Yes @Chrisaldridge , Aslan’s comment did come across as a bit contemptuous. We all have different experiences and as you say this particular forum is usually supportive. Sorry you got that dig when you were only trying to help.

My parents fed and clothed me. Prettt much like any primate dies for its young. Out side of this they did nothing other than criticise me for any choice or decision I made. I owe them no more than a fox cub owes the vixen.

You were only trying to be helpful @Chrisaldridge and I thought your post was helpful.

Of course dealing with bills and doing shopping 'counts' as care. If there wasn't someone doing that then the elderly person wouldn't be able to live on their own.

@Chrisaldridge I thought your post was excellent, please don't be put off. I think it's important that we recognise that those seemingly trivial things are indeed caring.

I really don't know. It's not that I wouldn't help them, it's that they've made it impossible by putting an ocean between me and them in retirement (in an area with no services if they can't drive). There are two oceans between them and my sibling. My family has needs, I'm expected to be the 'burdened child', but I know there's very little I can do. One day it will blow up.