I'm not sure I'm cut out for this

[concernedchild]

I'm in my early 20s, my parents are older parents and I have siblings.

My siblings are no use. Twice now my parents have been really unwell and I've been left to do it all. I'm the one who has to run around, take time off work, get them to appointments etc.

My dad can be nasty when he's not well. Not physically violent but he lashes out and says horrible things.

At the moment it's only because of illnesses (serious ones, not your average cough or cold) but obviously this is going to get worse. We've discussed LPAs and they're on about putting me as their H&W and F&P LPA.

I barely have any energy left and it's only been a week. I'm exhausted. I've cried on and off today because I just can't handle it. I have no support. None of my friends have older parents. I don't have a boyfriend. My siblings are as much use as a chocolate teapot (complaining my parents can't do the things they promised they would this weekend as opposed to helping out). I feel so worn down. But they're my mum and dad. I love them with every ounce of my being. But I don't think I'm cut out for this.

They are -your- mum and dad op, you are not their parent. You need tlc too.

That's a huge responsibility for such a young person. I nursed my godmum (like an actual mum to me) to the end of her life while I was at uni in my early 20s and it was so tough. I was alone among my friends in the level of responsibility I had 24/7 and the heartache.

Can you take a step back at all? Can you get a care package approved?

You deserve and need time for your own life, as a young person not prematurely weighed down while still trying to find your feet.

I get that you love them, but that doesn't mean you don't matter.

For what it's worth, it's ok not to be cut out for something but it sounds like your doing your absolute best.

https://carers.org/home/contact-us-1

In our area we have a young carers (under 25) support hub. Maybe you have one locally xx

They're not at care package level yet (thank god, no way would I be able to afford that!!), just a very crap set of circumstances that led to them both being quite poorly at the same time. Usually they're totally independent (won't even ask for a cup of tea if I offer one because they want to make it themselves), it's just when these illnesses happen. And I know in the future they'll be more and more common.

All three of my siblings are on holiday now, I'm home working full time and at the moment playing carer. I've been so emotional all day and I feel like my brain isn't working properly because I'm so exhausted

I don’t know if I'd count, because (touch wood) it's not constant at the moment

I went through similar in my 20s with my Mum and it's difficult. My advice would be to start as you mean to go on. Encourage them to take as much help as they can, support them doing online grocery shopping and have it delivered. Make any adjustments at the house now that they might need (I got my mum a commode, walking frame etc) and make it clear that they need to start thinking about the future. With regards your siblings, I'd try to sit down with them, offload your concerns and push them to jump into a rota system with you to help when it is needed. Otherwise you'll always be the default caring one and they'll get off scott free. Maintain your own life and don't feel guilty, you are too young to be taking on the role of primary carer and this will only get worse as they age. I wish you luck x

But surely your parents are only in their 60s?

One is, one's older

My other siblings won't get involved. They're all "too busy" and "have too much going on"

I think once your parents are better you need to sit down and tell them how you feel. What a toll this has taken on you, and how upsetting when your dad lashes out. Tell them what you've told us - that it's too much for you on your own.

They are adults and they can take responsibility for putting arrangements in place for when they are unwell - including telling your siblings that you can't do it all on your own and they need to step up.

And suppose you were too busy as well? Which you are really, or should be.

The idea of a care package is not that you're supposed to pay for it - the idea is that they pay for it, or get assessed by social services for one.

Are there other factors - language barriers maybe?

What if you got a job in another city, or another country?

I work locally and love where I live (I'm in a career where I could easily move to London but would always stay within 50 miles of where I am now because the area is amazing), I think they know this. I can't afford to move out yet and I will always look after them, but I'm just so exhausted

If you're exhausted after a week it's too much. What are you having to do?

I'm worried that they will expect you to give up your job.

Everything.

All the housework - cleaning, washing, cooking, I have to do it after getting in from work (7:30-7:30 days at work), all shopping, had to use my day off to run around after them. First thing in the morning I have to go up to see them then tidy the house before I can get ready for work

Coupled with being ill myself

I'm not reframing this as a way of diminishing what youre feeling right now but go with me on this....

Maybe this is your gentle wake up call (for want of a better word) to realise that you could easily land in default carer role. Maybe calmly really reflect on how you want things to look over the next decade. Think boundaries, write or draw your own aspirations ( career and personal goals, travel anything) or listen to life coach podcasts and try to remember how exhausted you are, that's your body's way of telling you something. Don't let a decade drift away - of course love and support your parents but talk honestly with them about them needing additional outside help when the need arises.

It's just an angle - food for thought. The tone of this post is supportive fyi not judgement. I juggled shifts and studying and care of a dying love one and my youth passed by in the process, and then in the aftermath of a bereavement I had to carry on with my own life but had no idea what that looked like.

Don't let it happen by default is what I'm trying to say. You sound lovely and caring but boundaries might help regain balance - you might burnout xx

Can you tell us a bit more?

What age are your parents and what illnesses / conditions do they have?
How many siblings do you have and are any of them local?
What do you want to do with your life? Have you ever lived away from home? do you want to?

I’m an older parent. I’m 52 and I have a 16 yr old DS. I would never, ever, EVER expect him to skivvy for me the way you are. So much of what you are doing for them can be outsourced

We're older than your parents. DS lives 5mins walk away. I'm thinking about getting a cleaner. I employ a gardener for big jobs. I've got a good stock cupboard - we could survive 3 weeks at least if neither of us could get out (and we shop on line anyway). We know how to call a taxi. There's no need for you to do all this, there are alternatives.

If you wear yourself out skivvying, you will not be able to have pleasant "daughter time" with them.

Are they mobile at all? Or are they both bedbound without use of their hands?

I was landed with similar in my mid-20s, including useless sibling! At the time I went with it, was exhausted and came very close to losing my career and therefore potential future. It's very easy to start doing stuff without realising the implications.

What I'd say to my younger self, and therefore you, is stop and have a think about what you need to do for you - presumably you have rent etc to pay and living costs to cover. You need to be doing the job and any studying to ensure you've got a career and can support yourself. What are your career plans - where do you see yourself in five years' time, what do you need to do to get there?

Then look at what you are doing. It isn't clear if you're living with parents or nearby but they could employ a cleaner. Even if you live with them it isn't fair to expect you to do it all alongside a FT job. They could have a supermarket delivery - surely they know how to use the internet? They can use taxis to get to appointments - some taxi firms have apps you can set an account up with.

Oh and I ultimately ended up moving five hours away which was a big help in not having to get involved with stuff. It was a career move but also made
a big difference in how I was feeling!

And made my sibling the closer one, until they moved six hours away!

Definitely look into paid help OP (paid for by them not you). Not necessarily a carer- my friend's parents have someone who pops in a few times a week, checks they're ok, takes them to appointments, makes sure they've taken their medication etc but does not provide personal care. Or would they consider moving into retirement accommodation? That would be a lot easier for you as there is on site support.

But if your still living home with your parents which it sounds like you are ,then it's no wonder it's all left to you

Aw bless you. So you’re at the stage where you can see a pattern developing and you aren’t able to continue with it and that’s absolutely fine. You do however, once you’re feeling better yourself, need to make conscious changes to how things are done and this can be a little at a time. First thing is to dedicate some time to you out of the house - even if that’s going and sitting in a cafe with a book and a coffee for an hour. Get your parents used to you not being on hand all the time. This way you can postpone leaving home for a while and keep saving. Take care of yourself

I'm not the only one who lives at home, and I can't afford to move out

The thing is they don't need that most of the time, it's just when they both get struck down like they have this week (serious illnesses, not just a cold) that they need it, but it's the fact I can see my siblings have not helped out at all and that's what concerns me

Cleaning up the house you live in / doing the shopping /cooking shouldnt be strsssful to the point of exhaustion after a week. if your siblings also live at home though it’s totally unfair anyway and they should be pitching in regardless of your parents health status.

normally the struggle is due to trying to do that in their home and yours which is what the advice on this thread will center round.

Have you ever lived away from home? are you paying them rent?

it sounds like you are struggling more working 12 hours a day on top of running a household or panicking about what life could be like. Which is totally understandable.

There are a few things you can do to make things easier for everyone:

1. get a cleaner. Everyone who lives at home chips in for cost.
2. set up a recurring weekly shop with the basics
3. setup their prescriptions to be home delivered saving you a job of fetching them.

I really sympathise with your dad being a grump when he’s not well. I had to look after mine who’s similar after an op and he was a nightmare. Hopefully someone can advise on that because it’s rubbish but aside from taking a deep breath I’m not sure how to deal with that.