I'm not sure I'm cut out for this

[concernedchild]

I'm in my early 20s, my parents are older parents and I have siblings.

My siblings are no use. Twice now my parents have been really unwell and I've been left to do it all. I'm the one who has to run around, take time off work, get them to appointments etc.

My dad can be nasty when he's not well. Not physically violent but he lashes out and says horrible things.

At the moment it's only because of illnesses (serious ones, not your average cough or cold) but obviously this is going to get worse. We've discussed LPAs and they're on about putting me as their H&W and F&P LPA.

I barely have any energy left and it's only been a week. I'm exhausted. I've cried on and off today because I just can't handle it. I have no support. None of my friends have older parents. I don't have a boyfriend. My siblings are as much use as a chocolate teapot (complaining my parents can't do the things they promised they would this weekend as opposed to helping out). I feel so worn down. But they're my mum and dad. I love them with every ounce of my being. But I don't think I'm cut out for this.

Now I've actually slept I do think that part of me being so exhausted is the fact I'm also poorly, and so it's been a combination of being out of the house so long and working, coming home and being expected to do EVERYTHING (all cooking, cleaning, running round the house), I literally haven't been getting a break until 11:30 when I fell asleep. I've not had the chance to have a meal all week because I haven't had time to cook for myself. I've had to do all washing (even for my adult brother), and been the one getting the brunt of all the shit off my dad.

Are the serious illnesses something they're going to recover from in a few weeks, or is this a permanent thing?

I don't know how you're fitting it around work at the moment, but my employer has a special leave policy where you'll get a day of paid leave to deal with a dependent's emergency eg sick child, elderly relative but the emphasis is very much on using the leave to put alternative measures in place, not to do the care yourself. So can you think in those terms?

If this is temporary and you're not the only sibling living at home (sounds like you're not?) I'd suggest doing the bare minimum cleaning for hygiene purposes (toilet/bathroom/kitchen. Once your sibling is back from holiday work out who is going to do which share of the cleaning. As you both live there I'd expect both of you to be doing a share of it but not all of it. Then talk to your parents about the shortfall, would engaging a temporary cleaner for a month or so to do the main bits weekly make it easier for everyone - bathroom, kitchen, hoover stairs etc?

Who normally does the shopping and cooking? What is your share of it normally? Could you explain you can't do more than you normally would? Make it as easy as possible - get some of those bigger ready meals in (Cook does four portion ones) and add extra veg.

Set a date in your head to review and make changes - is this temporary? What do you need to put in place next time they become ill?

Make a plan to move out!

And why are you doing the washing for your adult brother?! Is he disabled?

How old are your siblings and how many still living at home?

If you're cooking for your parents why don't you cook more for yourself at the same time?

being expected to do EVERYTHING

This is the key issue here. Why are you jumping to meet these expectations? What would happen if you don’t? Other people can have all the expectations they want, you can’t control that: only you decide if you are going to meet them. Maybe you need to work out why you put yourself at the bottom of the heap?

My SIL is similar to you. She runs herself ragged chasing after FIL, and her own family. She has cripplingly low self esteem and anxiety, and as a result she puts everyone else’s needs / wishes before her own. It’s painful to witness.

is there something cultural going on here? are you ‘expected’ to take on all the domestic drudgery because you are female? And your bother is excused because he is male?

Why are you doing your brothers washing? Don’t martyr yourself.

Because if I don't do it, it doesn't get done and then my dad gets angry at me. He's already snapped at me this morning because he "had to" fold the washing because I'd not got round to it yet

Have you ever stood up to your dad? I'm asking that gently: I'm guessing that you have been scared of your dads temper and violent verbal outbursts all your life and are reacting as you always have to try and keep the peace.

If my father (or indeed anyone) spoke to me like that, they'd be folding their own washing from that point on. I don't think I would love them with every ounce of my being either.

Where's your mum in this? Does she have any input into how the house is run / organised? Does she stand up to your dad?

This isn’t looking after elderly parents this is living with dickheads. Honestly you need to move out. I know you said you can’t afford it but there will be options if you work full time. House shares etc. better than living with abusive arseholes and you might find they appreciate you more with distance.

So you do everything and get abused if it’s not done as required by your dad. What’s adult brother doing?

“I'm not the only one who lives at home, and I can't afford to move out”

So why are you doing everything?

Reading your updates, you need to move out. Surely you can afford a house-share?

Seriously, it's time you moved out x

You need to sit your family down and have serious talk with them.

They're letting go you do it all, so stop it.

Divide the work up. Only way.

I wish I could - I'm on a low age while I qualify (obviously hoping to be earning a lot more when I qualify), I'm also having to save pretty intensely for professional exams. Once I've qualified moving out is my top priority

Currently on a weekend trip

What chores does he do?

Stop doing stuff for your brother!

OP how long is it till you qualify and can move out? Are we talking years?

You are the family dogs body and they will treat you that way for as long as you let them.
Stop doing your brothers chores.