Elderly parents that need help. 4 teens, work full time. DH stressful Job

[AonRudEile]

Just like the title really.
Where do you find the time to be you ?

[TheShellBeach]

Well, I'd stop looking after the parents for a start.

[MyGooseisTotallyLoose]

Can't parents purchase help?

[Hatty65]

I'd cut time with parents. If they need help they need to outsource. You have 4 teens and a full time job. You can't help out.

[Stonehill]

You have 4 teens who can help out with your elderly parents

[3luckystars]

You can only stretch so far before you snap. Can you take a day off work and just do nothing and don’t tell anyone!

Re elderly parents, if they are anything like the elderly people I know, they don’t care who is doing the running and don’t really mind running you into the ground, they just want what they want. Let them ask someone else to help.

[AonRudEile]

@Stonehill

You have 4 teens who can help out with your elderly parents

One in uni. Others too young / learning to drive. We live rurally. So I do a 2 hr round trip at least 2 or 3 times a wk. Just wondering how can i compromise me time

[MyGooseisTotallyLoose]

Why are you doing this and what are you doing? Cleaning/shopping?

[AonRudEile]

@3luckystars

You can only stretch so far before you snap. Can you take a day off work and just do nothing and don’t tell anyone!

Re elderly parents, if they are anything like the elderly people I know, they don’t care who is doing the running and don’t really mind running you into the ground, they just want what they want. Let them ask someone else to help.

Thank you for this. Wise words..I feel like close to snapping/ cracking at times.

[DancingLambs]

By stepping back. After a year of overdoing it, making myself ill, I now only do things that are VERY urgent. The rest simply won’t get done or they will have to pay for or organise themselves. I have very clear boundaries on my time and travel. (Basically I now only do online shopping and very minimal admin, but everyone is different as to this obviously). I agree with PP that they may try to get you to do as much as possible with little regard for you or your well being.

What is it that you do for them? Can you outsource most of it?

[AonRudEile]

I am overdoing it. I know I am to the detriment of my own family. I m not here at home after work many nights. I don't know how school has been for kids, I feel they have been left aside.
I have cleaners in for parents
I do some of the shopping and quick clean of kitchen mid wk..one of my parents v immobile which is putting stress in the "carer parent". The guilt is unreal. One other sibling....but half hearted, can't depend on him to answer phone , lives v close to them

[Stonehill]

@AonRudEile

One in uni. Others too young / learning to drive. We live rurally. So I do a 2 hr round trip at least 2 or 3 times a wk. Just wondering how can i compromise me time

what percentage of the year are they in uni? They are available to help out the rest of the time. I don't really think any teen is too young to help out with grandparents. Its what we all did.

[OhcantthInkofaname]

First of all cut down to only one trip a week. Find other resources for them.

[TheShellBeach]

@AonRudEile

I am overdoing it. I know I am to the detriment of my own family. I m not here at home after work many nights. I don't know how school has been for kids, I feel they have been left aside.
I have cleaners in for parents
I do some of the shopping and quick clean of kitchen mid wk..one of my parents v immobile which is putting stress in the "carer parent". The guilt is unreal. One other sibling....but half hearted, can't depend on him to answer phone , lives v close to them

And your sibling has the right idea.

Don't do so much, OP. Let your parents pay for carers.

[AonRudEile]

@Stonehill

what percentage of the year are they in uni? They are available to help out the rest of the time. I don't really think any teen is too young to help out with grandparents. Its what we all did.

I appreciate your text and thank you. I agree but this involves a 19 yr old male caring for his elderly grandparent and washing/ showering so no.... while he visits often I am for my parents dignity and his, I m not going to to go down that road..

[WearyAuldWumman]

With regard to the washing/showering - contact social work. They can advise you on organising personal care for your parents.

I'm an only child, was working full time and had a poorly husband. Ergo, I was the only one available to help my parents. Once I got help from social work, it made a difference.

We applied for Attendance Allowance and used the money to pay for extra care visits.

[PleaseenterausernameX]

Any chance you could go part time?

Who is doing the caring on the days you don't go?

[WearyAuldWumman]

Just to add that my parents were initially resistant to outside help, but eventually agreed to help with housework and then help with washing.

[MyGooseisTotallyLoose]

@TheShellBeach

And your sibling has the right idea.

Don't do so much, OP. Let your parents pay for carers.

Agree, housework and shopping easily outsourced. Personal care? Should you be doing if not trained in m&h if they're that infirm?

[WearyAuldWumman]

If you're in the UK and your parents need help with personal care they're entitled to Attendance Allowance. It's not means tested.

First time we applied, we were knocked back. Social Work advised me that you focus on what the person cannot do. Also, fill in the form to say what they're like on their worst day.

[funnelfan]

@AonRudEile

I am overdoing it. I know I am to the detriment of my own family. I m not here at home after work many nights. I don't know how school has been for kids, I feel they have been left aside.
I have cleaners in for parents
I do some of the shopping and quick clean of kitchen mid wk..one of my parents v immobile which is putting stress in the "carer parent". The guilt is unreal. One other sibling....but half hearted, can't depend on him to answer phone , lives v close to them

Stop the midweek visits. Order an online shop for them if it’s needed and they can’t manage to do it themselves. Does the kitchen really need a midweek clean? if so then the cleaners need to make another visit. Can you get in other paid support to take over some of the caring responsibilities of the carer parent? Anything else like gardeners?

this is a marathon, not a sprint. You really do have to find your inner bitch and not care about the guilt trip. I’m sure you do care about your parents but you can’t help them at all if you exhaust yourself into a breakdown, so some degree of detachment is needed. And you’ll find that sourcing and organising and managing paid help will turn into it’s own job too in the long run, so be realistic and maybe something your half-hearted brother could be persuaded to take on?

one other top tip. Stop aiming for perfect, and learn to accept what is “good enough”. Are your parents safe, warm, clean, fed and watered? If yes then anything else they want is a nice-to-have that you can freely disregard if you don’t want to do it.

[Stonehill]

@AonRudEile

I appreciate your text and thank you. I agree but this involves a 19 yr old male caring for his elderly grandparent and washing/ showering so no.... while he visits often I am for my parents dignity and his, I m not going to to go down that road..

well, I wasn't thinking of washing and showering no. More walking to the shops with them, or for them, a little bit of company, cooking together occasionally, doing a little bit of housework together. I used to polish the brass for my Nan, from the age of about 8. We used to sit together and she would supervise - her hands were too arthritic to join in - and we had such amazing conversations that I remember sometimes word for word even today, more than 50 years later.

Where do your parents live? Are they in sheltered accommodation? If they move into sheltered accommodation, prioritise being near you! Lots of places accept residents in accommodation near family

[funnelfan]

Any chance you could go part time

I know you’re trying to be helpful @PleaseenterausernameX but it does grind my gears that it’s the women in families who end up sacrificing their income, careers and pension pots (along with hobbies, interests and mental & physical health) being everyone’s default “support unit”.

[AonRudEile]

We have 4 days a week social to help out but it's the shortfall of the other days..my sibling totally hit & miss. He could ignore his phone for 4 days or be all attentive
to them.. he doesn't communicate well with any of us....texts me only when he wants something ( or wants out of caring)
My other parent not really able, coping but..serious health problems on that side too. And even though I m an hr away I feel out of love and guilt that I have to give up my eve and head over.
I know people don't have to shower every day but when it's 3 days running then you feel you have to.
Anyway sorry. Point of thread , I just want to try and carve out a little time for myself.

[WearyAuldWumman]

OP, it sounds to me as though both your parents are entitled to Attendance Allowance. They're essentially caring for one another. (That's what SW said of my parents.). You should be able to use that to buy in extra care for the shortfall?

They may also have an 'underlying' entitlement to Carers' Credit. The underlying entitlement doesn't bring in any money, BUT it does mean that you can get a bit of Pension Credit even when you have decent savings, when there's a married couple involved. I know this sounds farfetched, but different rules apply - at least, that's what we were told.

I can't remember the exact scenario, but the council sent round someone to delve into that for my parents and - to our surprise - we got extra money for them. (It stopped when my dad died. Mum was in a much worse state than him, but she was no longer caring for Dad and the extra stopped, though she still got Attendance Allowance.

Citz Advice might be able to help.

If you already know all this, please ignore.

[Fluffyhoglets]

It's hard and I don't have nearly as many demands on my time - its just feeling like you have to be there for everyone and are responsible for everyone.

I don't agree that there should be any expectation on grandchildren to help out with grandparents care though. I think that would be very unfair on the grandchildren. But ask them to do their bit at home.

Your brother should be doing his fair share - I'd stop the midweek visits though if you're working full time it's too much.