Aging mother ignoring possible oil leakage

[Palmsun]

Two and half years ago I noticed some things with my mother thats not quite right. There's definitely some deficits happening with her mind on some behavioural and comprehension stuff. I chatted to her GP but she cited 'any memory loss' to me. My mother's memory seems to be good. I am noticing other behaviours from her.

She has oil heating and she was told last year after an oil delivery that she will have to replace the oil tank by the next fill. This isn't a surprise to me. The tank is over 30 years old and is rusty now. She ignored this and booked an oil fill for December. She came to me this morning demanding for money asap towards another oil fill and it was just her tone and attitude about it. It was very controlling and it was giving me no time to produce a few 100 for an oil delivery. I live at home with her by the way. I am apprehensive about another oil fill because the tank is bad and I am anxious that maybe we might have a leak, if not now, later on down the line. I am xious that maybe there's something already because I smell a strong smell of fumes outside the house.

I reminded my mother that we have to empty the tank and get it replaced and all it did was anger her and she made excuses and said she will do it in the summer time. I don't under this, why not now? I know her, she is lieing to me and ignoring this and she has no intention of sorting this out and replacing the tank.

Its not a money issue. I got a rough quote for 1200 and between the two of us it's not a lot of money to replace the tank. It's very cruel and mean to ignore this and push it to the summer where I will likely not be as free in the summer time due to summer work schedule.

I feel you have been very placid about this.

The minute the guy said the tank needs replacing before the next fill, you should've arranged for the replacement.

Why didn't you?

I did not anticipate her ignoring this when it emerged last autumn. I know now that she's going to ignore this but when it first emerged I did not anticipate her to ignore this.

She will not let me power ahead and make plans and it will only just anger her and she wants to maintaine control and her way is just to ignore it all and make excuses and push it further down the track.

I had to deal with other repairs in the home over the winter. There was a water leak that she was ignoring and I had to take that on board and shoulder it all.

I do not have the means to shoulder an oil tank replacement by myself. She will have to do her own bit too but she's ignoring it.

There's two options in replacing the tank.

1. we drain the oil and use it all up, or
2. we get containers and fill the oil into containers.

We were going to go for option 1 and use up all the oil and then work on replacing the tank.

Now I know she has no intention of replacing the tank.

There is another option open to you, which is to move out of your mother's home and find somewhere else to live. I think you may have posted about her before, haven't you? She's never going to change. The only thing you can change is you.

Will the oil company even fill a tank with the potential to leak? I am not in the UK but worked for an oil heating company in my home country. No way would our drivers fill a tank, which was in bad repair. The damage caused by a leak would cost ££££ and we could, as a company, be liable if we know it was not safe/damaged

With respect, I do not know any 90 year old with the capacity to be messing about dealing with home repairs.

I think you need to take the bull by the horns and tell her what's happening.

Or move out.

Where did I say she was 90?

Take 20 years of 90

The driver came last year to fill a tank, he's been with the company for years and he was the one who advised our mother that the tank is bad and needs replacing.

I have no idea how there hasn't been a note on her file with the oil company. The oil company fulfilled her request when she rang for oil before the Christmas and it will likely happen again too.

The tank is very bad now. I see evidence of oil in the ground but I don't know if that's from an old car. The car wasn't in operation for a few years (about 2 and half years and it's gone a year now from the property). There is a large black oil circle in the ground. The tank is a few metres from that circle so I don't know if it's the car or if it's the tank.

She has no intention of emptying the tank and replacing it.

I have a sibling living abroad and she's hoping on getting him home in the summer time and getting him to do the work but he's not a plumber and it's not very fair on him too. Also it's showing me up in a and light when I am willing to help but she won't let me due to her arguements and nasty tone.

The tank was a metal or iron tank, I don't know the exact material from the 90s. It has a lot of rust spots now. I didn't investigate the tank for further damage.

Can you arrange for an expert to come and examine the tank and give a definitive answer on whether it needs replacing/is leaking now or not?

Sorry.

Not sure where I got 90 from then!

Hope you get it sorted.

I wanted to get a boiler service but she won't let me and she's so odd. I got some work done before the Xmas and she behaved as if those workers were going to come into our home and r@pe her and steal everything she has. She really did not behave properly at all and she's the same way again with anything that needs to be done. She would rather phone her ex husband and use him for work in the home a free repairs and then bad mouth him behind his back in the same sentence.

I do want to get the oil burner serviced and we should know more. There's other jobs that need to be doing. The airing cupboard is falling into despair with leaking pipes but she won't do this. I offered to take out a loan and get this work done but she is so odd. So it's not about money for her. She just thinks men are going to come into her home and r@pe her and steal everything.

If she was 90 it would be much easier getting work down in the home without the battle that I currently get from her.

There is a large black oil circle in the ground. The tank is a few metres from that circle so I don't know if it's the car or if it's the tank.

What you put in your heating tank is called "oil" but it's kerosene, like diesel. Oily compared to petrol but not at all viscous like motor oil or even sunflower oil. It wouldn't stain the ground black - that's almost certainly old motor oil.

Back to your Mum's problem: can you maybe have a quiet word with the fuel company and ask them to say "Oof, look at that, no, sorry Madam, we can't possibly fill that leaky tank, elf'n'safety innit, more than my job's worth, environmental damage, groundwater, the works, you're going to have to get it repaired with an RPF-29D certificate before we can deliver?".

If there is a leaking tank, you're looking at more than just replacing it! Also, you’re an adult and you also know that the tank is probably leaking - get it sorted before more environmental damage is caused, or worse, before the house goes up in flames!
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/does-your-oil-tank-leak

If there is a kerosene leak there will be environmental issues. Domestic Heating Oil Spills I have linked to North Yorks Council, but would imagine that it would be pretty much the same everywhere. Get a new tank installed, preferably a bunded one.

We had this and I was advised to call the insurance company who arranged for someone to come and check the tank the same day. He said that a leak would be an absolute nightmare as it would make the surrounding ground toxic and leak into the water table.

Advise the oil company yourself, explain that your elderly mother is struggling with how to handle it. And call your insurance.

You shouldn't put old oil into a new tank or you risk putting 30 years of crap into a new tank.

If an oil tank shows signs of failure no oil company should refill it. Call the oil company and ask them if the condition is listed in their files.

My mother was advised last autumn that the tank needs replacing and the oil delivery driver mentioned it to her.

On Xmas week she went ahead and booked an oil delivery. I was not impressed with that given what we were advised to do. I did email the company but they weren't able to overwrite my mothers request for an oil delivery and they delivered a tank of oil. Not only this, my mother down right lied to me. She said that she only booked a small fill and the smallest volume that they had but she hid the receipt but I did root it out and saw 400 hundreds pounds worth of oil.

All of this, I think it also shows something much bigger. She's ordering oil out of habit or routine in fear that it goes low and it also shows poor comprehension. If she gets another oil fill, it will be autumn by the time the tank will probably be empty but she will likely fill the tank again anyways. I really don't think she has any intention of replacing the tank.

I don't know if the tank is currently leaking but it will be in time. It is very rusty now.

I don't have POA for my mother. It was a document that I was looking for. Would the company deal with me citing 'data protection' stuff because it's her account?

I could email the company and put it into writing and attach a picture of the tank too.

I'm actually in shock with what's unfolding today from my mother. Her comprehension is so poor and I dread to think that maybe this could be dementia.

This is something that has to be done. There's no point pushing it down the road.

There is so much focus on the tank here and not a lot of focus on you. Do you know that you don’t have to accept her anger and control? Do you know that she’s only in control if you let her be? That you can walk away when she’s angry, you can stop the conversation if she’s being unreasonable.

You’re not a little child anymore but it sounds like she treats you like one and you don’t know how to be an adult around her.

This is not really about the oil tank.

If the tank fails and oil leaks into the ground it can seep below the house and you will have to move out possibly for several months while it is cleaned up. House insurance may cover this but maybe not if they are aware that you’ve been alerted to the poor state of the tank.
Also it can contaminate any nearby water supplies that you or your neighbours have or groundwater drinking water supplies run by your local water provider as well as finding its way into watercourses.

Please don’t get any more oil in your existing tank it’s not worth the risk and hassle and expense should it fail.

I understand why she's saying "summer". No-one wants the prospect of being without heating in the the winter,

Speak to oil company, make it clear that you aren't asking them for information (so they can't cite GDPR), that you are giving them information, that oil tank it on its last legs and should not be refilled without inspection.

Look at the link up above - it has a link to an association of oil tank inspectors, see if you can arrange an inspection. When our gas boiler packed up, not only did the guy switch it off, he slapped some warning tape on it and a big "do not use" notice. If you could get an oil tank inspector to do similar that would be useful.

Start keeping a dated list of odd behaviour as you've detailed above, behaviour which is new to her, and include it in another letter to the GP. Dementia doesn't always reveal itself through memory issues.

We were originally eyeballing the spring to get the work done. I was disappointed when she ordered more oil in December because it meant that it will take longer to empty.

I now know she has no intention of ever replacing the tank. We should have enough oil in the tank for at least another month or two which will bring us into May. She's paranoid that it will go low (which is what we need to do) and she wants to top up. I don't think she has the comprehension to understand what's facing us here. Shes saying she will get this done in the summer time but what's going to change from now to then? It's all excuses. She has no intention of doing it. Either that or she wants to use or ex husband for free repair work, god only knows.

I think I will send an email to the oil company. I would actually think it's negligent of them to continue filling that tank. The tank has rusted parts and it's only a matter of time before those rust patches cave in.