Aging mother ignoring possible oil leakage

[Palmsun]

Two and half years ago I noticed some things with my mother thats not quite right. There's definitely some deficits happening with her mind on some behavioural and comprehension stuff. I chatted to her GP but she cited 'any memory loss' to me. My mother's memory seems to be good. I am noticing other behaviours from her.

She has oil heating and she was told last year after an oil delivery that she will have to replace the oil tank by the next fill. This isn't a surprise to me. The tank is over 30 years old and is rusty now. She ignored this and booked an oil fill for December. She came to me this morning demanding for money asap towards another oil fill and it was just her tone and attitude about it. It was very controlling and it was giving me no time to produce a few 100 for an oil delivery. I live at home with her by the way. I am apprehensive about another oil fill because the tank is bad and I am anxious that maybe we might have a leak, if not now, later on down the line. I am xious that maybe there's something already because I smell a strong smell of fumes outside the house.

I reminded my mother that we have to empty the tank and get it replaced and all it did was anger her and she made excuses and said she will do it in the summer time. I don't under this, why not now? I know her, she is lieing to me and ignoring this and she has no intention of sorting this out and replacing the tank.

Its not a money issue. I got a rough quote for 1200 and between the two of us it's not a lot of money to replace the tank. It's very cruel and mean to ignore this and push it to the summer where I will likely not be as free in the summer time due to summer work schedule.

I don't know if we do have a leak with the tank. I wouldn't be surprised if we do. I do smell a fume-y smell outside sometimes. Some times it's stronger than other times.

The tank is very bad and rusty now and if we don't have a leak, it's only a matter of time before it will leak.

I am fuming at the oil company. It was the driver who recommended to my mother that the tank needs replacing last September. She ignored ired this in December and she intends on ignoring it again and I don't know what the position or policy is with the oil company.

We should have plenty of oil in our tank that will bring us into April or May but she's paranoid about it going low and wants to fill it up again.

I would be able to tell her the consequences of ignoring it but she really doesn't understand or care.

If the tank goes you would be responsible for remediation - which can be very expensive. Would that make her think twice and agree to its replacement?

Alternatively if she needs the money from you for the oil just say no?

Best option in all likelihood is to move out.

I had my brother inform her over the Xmas and he personalised the situation and informed her that if the rust falls off and goes into the oil it will f*ck up the water and heating system big time in the house and it will cost thousands to fix.

The very next week, she overwrote what he said and she was booking another oil fill saying that the rust on the tank is only a cosmetic issue.

I actually think she has the onset of dementia. She doesn't understand anything beyond her own daily life and tasks. She doesn't care or understand about the implications of ignoring this.

Is there a reason why you can't move out? It doesn't sound like either of you have a very healthy relationship.
It doesn't sound like dementia either, in fact she sounds quite on the ball, saving her pennies to get her ex or son to sort it out, a bit like a female version of 'Greengrass' the lovable if slightly dodgy character from Heartbeat!

If you're living there, you need to be taking on the responsibility for doing the jobs your mother doesn't want to deal with. Get some quotes for a new tank, talk about how you want to resolve it, ask her to help you decide how best to tackle it.

Offering to contribute to the cost and hassle of getting these things done might make them all seem more appealing to her. She can go out whilst you manage the work.

I already did this. She doesn't care. I got a rough estimate of costs but she doesn't care.

Her son is not a plumber and expecting him to come off a long haul flight to tackle this is cruel.

There is no rental accommodation in my village or surrounding villages and anything available is so expensive and beyond my budget. I always helped at home but it's never good enough. I feel suicidal about my position. I just don't have the means to rent in the city.

It's not just ignoring repairs. There has been other stuff with her. She's taking my plus size underwear as if they are hers but she is half the size of me. The majority of her underwear now is size 16/18/20 even though she wouldn't be any more than a size 10. I found size 18 period swimwear amongst her clothes. She's not a size 18 and period swimwear - she doesn't swim and she's long past periods. Lately I am finding children's socks amongst her stuff. She has no comprehension on sizes and who owns what any more.

There is so much more too.

She's impossible to reason with too.

This is all hallmarks of dementia but it's not presenting with typical symptoms and a lot of people think of dementia as a textbook forgetfulness including her own GP.

I have a rough draft of an email ready to send to the oil company to ask them to please notify her in writing about our tanks condition and the importance of replacing old, worn oil tanks.

I am divided. It feels so bad to go behind her back and be underhanded about this. On the other hand there's no reasoning with my mother any more and I know she has no intentions of replacing the tank, not now and not in the summer. She says in the summer but I know that's also a lie. And say for example if she is true, it's not fair on me or even my brother. I am going to be up the wall with a work schedule in the summer time and I will have less time to help and not only that it's not fair getting my brother to step off a long haul flight and expect him to do this work. He's not a supplier of oil tanks nor is he a plumber. The tank will have to be drained anyways.

Do I email the company and put a stop to this and her intention of filling the tank again or do I ignore it and allow her to fill the tank and delay what we need to do.

I am torn?

I am half tempted to email the oil company. I reckon we still have oil at home for at least another month. Topping it up makes no sense whatsoever. This isn't the first time I noticed poor planning and organising with my mother. Her sense is definitely waning. She put me into an horrific situation back in January where she was ignoring her solicitor and repelling against him as if she was a school child and he was a teacher. She was revolting against her solicitor.

Now this.

She doesn't understand the implications of ignoring this or delaying this.

Have you considered talking to social services about your Mum's mental problems? They may have some ideas and perhaps legal advice about how you could get some kind of power of attorney.

I never considered social services.

I did consider organising an appointment with a dementia advisor from the alzhemiers association but I didn't do that yet.

My mother had legal issues for a few years but they are coming to an end now and I think I can proceed with my dementia concerns and suspicions now.

I don't know what is the best route.

I would love to move out if I could and I did move out before but I had to love back home.
I would love to move out and just leave her because I don't want to become a default carer because I can't afford my own accommodation.
I know now if this is dementia then main caregiver is usually given the worst treatment by the person and I am not able to cope with that.
I want to see one of my brothers come home and deal with her or stick her in a home.

I wouldn't have half the battle that I currently have if I was a man. She obeys men just like that but views women as good for nothing.

How old are you, OP? As there is better availability for social housing for over 55s. In some places I think it is for over 50s.

Don't overthink emailing the oil company.
It is a basic safety issue that they need to be aware of, for their employees if nothing else. Your mother is unable to deal with it so you are doing so.

You could request a carer's assessment from SS for yourself. But your mum would need to agree to an assessment with them for herself. She can refuse this. The bar to them getting involved without her consent is very high.