Sibling Relationships and Elderly Care

[YesIwillyesIwillYes]

My mum has recently gone into a care home, after a long stay in hospital. My siblings and I have spent several weeks triggering the shit out of each other. Like it’s 1974 all over again. The behaviour has been appalling.

Did this happen to anyone else? What on earth is going on?

Are you normally very close? I wonder if it's actually worse if you're close.

I do think an awful lot of sibling groups contain a lot of unresolved hurts and conflicts. Mostly they don't matter, because you're grown ups and dont live together. But if your parents are vulnerable and you have to try and operate as a care committee, they all surface at once.

Yes, thank you. That’s really helpful.

I think it's normal sadly, seen it with my own family and through dealing with relatives at work. It's why I'm not convinced that being an only child is always worse when it comes to this, my only child parent had a much easier time than my parent with siblings.

My best friend’s sibling relationship imploded when their mum died. All those simmering resentments held in check just burst out. Happily it didn’t happen with my sibling and I but our caring roles were very well worked out beforehand and there were no underlying issues.

This is what I dread and expect in our family.

From what I see working in elderly care, more common than not.

Especially if one of them lives far away but likes to turn up occasionally and criticise what the one who is nearby and doing all the work has chosen to do.

I think it's very normal. Though oddly enough it brought my brother and I together! We hardly had anything to do with each other prior to my mum's stroke and consequent care. I'd moved away, and we had very little in common. We might see each other one a year, briefly.

But now, while still very different people, we're much closer, speak regularly, and are extremely supportive and loyal to each other. Navigating my mum's needs (and her temperament) is one thing that we've been able to share, practically and emotionally. I'm lucky.

Same as @AnnaMagnani especially of the one who holds poa is the one who lives away and thinks that mean they can instruct the others to do things and they have to do this!!

Especially if one of them lives far away but likes to turn up occasionally and criticise what the one who is nearby and doing all the work has chosen to do."

That's what I've been incredibly careful not to do. I'm very aware of the advantage of living nearly two hours away.
My brother has to deal with anything that requires his presence, as he's local to her (she's in an extra care facility, so it's not day to day care stuff). But I do all the admin and phone calls and pushing for her getting the right care/financial stuff etc. Anything that I can do from a distance I insist that he passes to me.

And neither of us ever questions or criticises the other, though we do tend to run things past each other before acting.

That sounds great @saraclara hope more people can follow your example!!

Ha! I'm no saint. If I lived locally to my mum I'd go mad. She's exceptionally difficult. So my motivation is great sympathy for my brother, and a large helping of guilt!

What does ‘triggering the shit out of each other’ mean? And what’s the reference to 1974? Sorry if I’m being dense.

@rickyrickygrimes behaving back in the way they did age 7 and continually squabbling like a bunch of kids?

Especially if one of them lives far away but likes to turn up occasionally and criticise what the one who is nearby and doing all the work has chosen to do.

Or criticises by email from afar having got half a story out of one parent!

I have now completely given up on my sibling being any help, either practically or emotionally and I can't really see us having much of a relationship after our parents have died.

Seen it in my ex's family and many times through work. It's stress related partly but also because that can bring out underlying personality traits in people.

The biggest problem we experienced in ex's family was a person living on another continent who kept encouraging the spouse of the person needing care that it was fine to keep them at home whilst having no idea just how bad it had got, then another relative not wanting a care home and openly admitting it was because they wanted their inheritance! Well I sorted out everything in the end, applying to the court of protection and continued to be the appointed person by the court way after my marriage ended (fool I was) but it was easier as the non relative in the way, nothing to gain.

Oh and don't forget the golden child scenario where the distant relative swans in, buys gifts, dinners out, even cleans house then leaves for months on end ... but they are amazing because they bought them a fancy mobility scooter - not the person dropping an evening meal off daily! Seen it all honestly and genuinely my heart goes out to all of you dealing with this right now - thankfully the only ongoing drama currently with us is the solicitors dealing with probate, and that's just paperwork, really can't get worked up about that, and the tax due is what is due, sounds flippant but it's only money.

Possibly the worst ever family meeting I did was with a patient - lacked capacity but could say Hello to a webcam, his wife - knackered and trying to make ends meet, and his siblings - lived miles away, via Teams.

His family just sat there vetoing all suggestions that he needed a care home as his wife was exhausted and the situation was unsafe, and then said he hadn't liked the wife anyway so her opinion didn't count.

I was so close to just telling them to fuck off.

Sounds like you know my brother!

I didn't get on with my brother. My only sibling. Rarely saw him.
Our DM was then killed in a car accident and we had to get together to plan her funeral, empty and sell the family home of over 50 years and deal with an inquest. Spending so much time together reminded me why we never got on. Worst time of my life.
That was several years ago. Everything was finalised and I've never seen him since.

Yes, that’s a conclusion I came to reading this board. So glad I don’t have siblings!

I’m quite worried about this happening to my sister and I. We get on very well atm, have done for years since we became adults. But our lives have gone in such different paths, and our priorities have changed over time. I have two kids and they have to be my priority. She is childfree by choice. We live outside the UK, whereas she’s an hour away from my parents. She’s married late in life to a rich man, and she’s planning to retire early at 50-ish to have lots of free time with him. DH and I are going to be slogging away until we are well into our 60s. She’s a lot more sentimental and anxious than me, I’m a lot more pragmatic and quite direct. we both find our mum hard work, but having had children of my own I feel quite differently towards her now. My sister’s been in therapy for years.

it’s going to be hard to agree on what’s best for our parents when we are coming from such different perspectives.

My sister who lives on a different continent has been coercing my mother to appoint her and my other sister who lives nearby POA. Coercion to the point that my mother is now totally resistant to the idea. They didn’t even have the courtesy of informing their other siblings they were doing it.

Sometimes people are incapable of forming a committee of care. They wanted to complain about us not helping much more than they wanted our help. Whatever we did or suggested was criticised. Me ordering labels and offering to sew them into Mum’s clothes was absolutely ridiculed.

My mother was in hospital for a month. My sister on the other continent kept telling us to step up (and then criticising). The irony of her remaining on another continent and going nowhere near the hospital seems entirely lost on her.

Anyway. She’s in the care home now. My sensible sister—who’s spent her entire career working in health and social care— was kicked off the care committee whatsapp thread by the sister on the other continent who has zero expertise.

Sensible sister and I drove up and transferred Mum from hospital to care home this week. And I labelled all her belongings and clothes even though that’s anal retentive apparently. Ugh.

I honestly suggest you write a little code of conduct.

Basically to say you will always remember you are on the same team.

What does ‘triggering the shit out of each other’ mean? And what’s the reference to 1974?
I just love this and it immediately resonated with me .
I think it means -"we're all transported back in time (obvs 1974 in the OP's case) when we were all living at home as siblings with the usual gamut of sibling rivalry ,heightened teenage angst and sense of injustice ".
The triggering will be reference to will be that although now adults being thrown together by the circumstances of aging parent they are brought back into close proximity with their siblings quirks/mannerisms /snobbery /role as black sheep etc etc and it revives old feelings .

Also loving "committee of care "

Poor you. My whole body was telling me to step away.