Sibling Relationships and Elderly Care

[YesIwillyesIwillYes]

My mum has recently gone into a care home, after a long stay in hospital. My siblings and I have spent several weeks triggering the shit out of each other. Like it’s 1974 all over again. The behaviour has been appalling.

Did this happen to anyone else? What on earth is going on?

Ironically my sibling only exists because our parents didn't want me to have to be the one solely responsible for them when they got older!

Hollow laugh

He was useless when DDad was seriously ill and then dying. I did all the running around. Same now with DM. I speak to him a couple of times a year and see him even less. The only thing we have in common is that we have the same parents.

DH's siblings. Fucking hell.
The one who did the least was the nastiest about the one who did the most.
A difficult situation was made so much more stressful than it needed to be by bossiness (by those doing feck all), back-stabbing (as before) and just outright unpleasantness.

One sibling “stepped up” to do all the care.

took all the credit, everyone thought they were wonderful to take on their elderly parent. Other sibling lived a couple of hours away.

refused to ask SS for help or engage any sort of carer.

all a facade. They were intentionally keeping the sibling away, not being in when they visited, refusing to allow the parent to go and visit. All to hide that they were stealing all the parents money to the tune of half a mill in a year.

My mother was in hospital for a month. My sister on the other continent kept telling us to step up (and then criticising). The irony of her remaining on another continent and going nowhere near the hospital seems entirely lost on her.

How on earth did you and sensible sister not completely lost your temper?

And of course you need labels on your mum's clothing. How on earth can she expect your mum's clothes to come back to her from the care home laundry where it's washed with everyone else's?

Ugh. You have my sympathy.

It’s so depressing.

Oh god yes. I had one sibling in another country in complete denial that mum was at end of life and demanding that she be discharged home and where was her physio etc. Was a fucking nightmare. Sibling who is here and I got much closer over the whole debacle though.

I have just had this experience.
it’s still raw
honestly, in our 60’s and it was exactly like being children again .I only just managed to restrain myself from it becoming physical.
all triggered by our mother going into residential care

Good grief. People really can be awful.

It’s amazing isn’t it? 😱

Going through this at the moment with DH's mum.
Sibling and partner who have done bugger all for years are now portraying themselves as key carers. Very embarrassing when they know nothing about her routine, health, finances or anything else.
Mortally offended and wounded when called out on things and seem to think that being a (joint) POA gives them powers it does not (such as helping themselves to her money).
No longer speaking to me - which quite honestly is no great hardship.
Do not think the relationship will ever recover and it is a horrific time.

I think its inevitable that a sibling living locally to the parent is going to do more. They have also probably benefitted when that parent was healthier, from free childcare, accommodation during divorce, help with DIY, free lunches etc etc. My brother seems to have forgotten about all the positives though.

Probably... possibly, or maybe not. In my brother's case, he gained nothing but grief from living near my mum for his entire adult life.

Yet still he steps up.
I'm just very glad for him that there was no interim situation between my mum being fit and well, and being admitted to hospital and then to a care home, and frim there to extra care. At least he never had to be responsible for her day to day care.

Yes, exactly this.

It’s quite a ride isn’t it?

At one point, my sister on another continent was ordering me to step the fuck up while simultaneously flipping out over the things I was doing. If it were possible to die from cognitive dissonance, she’d have died during our Mother’s first week in hospital.

My sister distanced herself from the family as soon as mum was diagnosed with cancer. She had visited them frequently before that and stopped abruptly. Then when Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she cut all contact. Left me to deal with everything. She is child free, I have young kids. We live about the same distance from our parents. But god forbid she should lift a finger to help them, or even speak to them on the phone occasionally. Mum is devastated by it. Dad probably doesn't remember she exists.

Having gone through our DF being very poorly and our DM getting an Alzheimer's diagnosis during lockdown I was asked recently what memories I have of that awful time..

My overriding memory is
just trying to stop my family falling apart..

(Mostly caused by one siblings partner who thought they had a say in our parents care.. and causing so much heartache to both parents...
We had to start a separate WhatsApp group just for us siblings when they totally overstepped).
Dad has since died and Mum is settled in a care home..
Our family will never be the same and I will never forgive some of the things that were done and said but we've survived relatively intact as a family.
Feel for whoever is still navigating this nightmare.

Got the t shirt

Mum still with us, multiple health issues, including MCI.

I will never see or speak to my siblings again once she's gone...such dreadful behaviour and utter disregard for our mum.

It's hard xxx

YES!
Served to intensify my existing opinions on some of the ILs....!

Poor you. I’m so sorry. I hope you manage to salvage something from your sibling relationships. People behave very badly under pressure. But maybe they are capable of apologising and redeeming themselves? But unfortunately there are some people who are just utter cunts. Take care.