Mum needs showers but Dad wants his bath, how to compromise?!

[laundryelf]

Social services offered to fit a wet room shower after DMs' hip operation but DDad refused as his morning routine of bath every day is essential apparently. It's been difficult but now Mum has been diagnosed with untreatable cancer and they have recommended wet room again. Ddad still won't agree and DM won't go ahead without agreement. I am frustrated with it and worried about DM using shower over bath and falling asleep she ets increasingly frail or just not washing properly. Is there another option? The bathroom is very small and they don't have much money.

There are definitely shower aids that fit in baths I think. Someone who knows better will be along. There should be help for such things?

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

One of the bath seat lifts with controller to lift in and out, some come right out the way so your dad could still have a bath without it being in his way.

I'm not sure I get the falling asleep comment, but would a walk in bath solve both issues?

You need one of those baths with a door in it...

https://www.bathroomsuppliesonline.com/the-savanna-walk-in-shower-bath/

this sort of thing. Then your dad can still have his bath and your mum can enter/exit the shower safely.

Over bath shower.
Folding shower seat.
Bath with door.

Could they afford that?

But they are really not cheap if money is an issue.

I can’t help wondering if it would be better to get someone your father sees as an authority figure eg doctor explain why this is essential for your poor mum so he might change his attitude?
If a wet room has been assessed as what she needs then other cheaper compromises are unlikely to be safe or social services would not be paying up.
Have been through this process for myself and it a high bar to need a wet room.

Are there any reasons other than habit and preference that necessitate a bath for your Dad that outweigh your Mum's actual assessed need?

DM won't go ahead without agreement

There's nothing you can do about this. It's their choice.

Social services will fit the minimum requirements for your DM, so looking at expensive options would mean your parents would have to pay.
Your DF needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, he is being very selfish and his desire for a bath does not outweigh the needs of your DM to be able to have a shower safely, with the assistance of carers if necessary. Has he always been such an arse?

I’m wary of first floor wet rooms leaking and floor joists rotting. I’d push for a walk in shower.

Shower over bath will not be suitable in the long run. Mum may require a carer to assist, this is why wet room is better, you can get shower chairs with wheels for those less mobile. Then carer can wheel her in to shower and she can wash herself.

Hi Op
Agree your father needs encouragement to see your mum's needs take priority now. Both of them can use the shower, even if it's not your dad's choice..

The problems with having a bath with a door don't show up at first-as people get them when they are still fairly mobile. It's when people's balance gets poorer, and they have to sit in cold bath water because they wanted a bath and have to wait til it drains, so get cold, or slip over coming out that the problems become apparent.

A possible short term option may be to ask what is available in your area. Some sheltered housing schemes (where there are retirement flats) have a separate fully adapted self contained wetroom available to hire. These will have top quality equipment, with both bath (complete with specialist seat) and mobility shower, that external users can hire for a minimum cost. So it may be worth ringing round to ask.

As someone who is young with mobility needs (including hips and knee replacements), I wouldn't be able to get in and out of a bath to shower.

How is she managing now? A bath with a door maybe? But I can't see anyone would fund that. No one needs a bath.

Do they have space for a bath elsewhere (their bedroom/one of the bedrooms) so that they can have both?

Might be less costly than one if the expensive walk in baths? Dependent on drains/water and fitting of course. My parents did this with the bedroom next to the bathroom.

I’d say a compromise would be a walk in bath like these:

https://www.aquability.com/walk-in-baths?refid=googleppcNonBrand&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD-A_VeYSyNHkQkpDAhe1R6Y9Rrsz&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI9p3L9MbVhAMVfpNQBh18wAGsEAAYAiAAEgKGKPD_BwE

i see both sides. Dh enjoys a bath and, let’s face it, that’s not many joys as we age, dm needs a shower. I’d invest in something like I’ve linked.

I don't want to sound pessimistic, but can she manage the stairs to the bathroom easily, unless it's a bungalow/flat she may be struggling to reach the bathroom anyway. Think about the prognosis, is upsetting your dad worth it? I sound morbid but it will be a lot of disruption

Is your dad always this unreasonable? I love a bath too but I'm young and in good health. Your dad may need a shower in years to come himself. It's surely a no brainer!

Wet rooms can be problematic with mobility needs.

They don't always dry easily, it's very easy to slip. I use a wheelchair and it's not like you can take it in the shower with you.

If you are using sticks to get around then they slip very easily on the floor.

You can buy stools and chairs to go in the shower so your mum does not need to stand.

I have this one.

https://www.argos.co.uk/product/8650940?istCompanyId=a74d8886-5df9-4baa-b776-166b3bf9111c&istFeedId=30f62ea9-9626-4cac-97c8-9ff3921f8558&istItemId=ixilqwmxa&istBid=t&&cmpid=GS001&$ja=tsid:59157%7Cacid:278-707-7346%7Ccid:20213315256%7Cagid:%7Ctid:%7Ccrid:%7Cnw:x%7Crnd:15025806394463757805%7Cdvc:m%7Cadp:%7Cmt:%7Cloc:1006699&utmmsource=Google&utmmedium=cpc&utmmcampaign=20213315256&utmterm=8650940&utmmcontent=shopping&utmcustom1=&utmmcustom2=278-707-7346&gadsource=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD9II9l03Uq9W-o7E9GxGk9U9B4Sm&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIuPyS58nVhAMVbpZQBh39zgz7EAQYAyABEgI0kfDD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Also, for when she is not up to showering, dry shampoo is good, and although I personally prefer a bowl of hot water and a flannel you can get body cleaning wipes.

shop.disabilityhorizons.com/freshwipes-a-convenient-alternative-to-a-bath-or-shower-if-you-have-a-disability/#:~:text=SWipes%20are%20a%20fantastic%20solution,when%20that%20isn't%20feasible.

If SS are going to pay to fit a wet room, anti slip flooring will be fitted as well, and it does work. I speak from experience.

We had the same issue with my parents a few years ago except it was dad needed the walk in shower. When he fractured his pelvis falling climbing out of the bath and mum was still digging her heels in I'm afraid I lost it with mum and told her she would be the one having to push his wheelchair if it happened again. I was persona non grata for a while but it did hit home and she agreed to the change.

Unfortunately for your dad, needs are more important than wants.

@AgnesX

Thanks that's worth knowing.

I've only used wet rooms in hotels and gyms/swimming pools and I get very very nervous in them because they are so slippy.

Never actually fallen in them but it's been close a few times.

Hotel wet rooms are a nightmare.... their versions of accessible are a bit 🙄. The council have standards they have to meet though and are quite strict about flooring (my cousin was in a similar position to the OPs parent).