When to panic?!

[Covgal83]

My FiL has very recently passed. Despite their age/health, v little was done to make any preparations for this particular eventuality. Obviously everyone is devastated - MiL is beside herself as can only be expected. At this point she doesn't want to go to her home (which is not near us or her daughter) and is temporarily at her daughter's house (teenage children and a husband who is feeling caught in headlights too). My dh is there so limited chance for us to communicate atm (Scotland - we're in the WM). There is discussion of her living temporarily between my SIL's and ours while arrangements are made (house sold and, I imagine, sheltered accommodation bought. I don't think she can live independently). And I'm panicking: I have 3 kids under ten and a job, but do most of the childcare as i work compressed hours. DH works v long hours and is often away. I am absolutely panicking because I don't know how I'd manage a week, let alone weeks practically let alone emotionally, but feeling awful for doing so! Any advice/experience/calming words?! Should I just take a big breath and see how things settle? Thank you.

They (together) have visited and - as you say - it's always significantly different to a normal day/weekend as it's just a few times a year. And she always has had 'wheels' and 1:1 help from her DH so it's a now a v different picture.

No conversations have been had: it's really early days. The help and advice on here has really helped me make a plan to try and find a way through it that is acceptable for everyone. Thank you.

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you for your input but we will try our best to plan for old age better than our parents generation. Many lessons about denial and downsizing have been learned.

Mine has failed to realise that we go to a humungous effort a couple of times a year when she does come to stay. That reminded me of a great aunt who came to stay for a week every year. One year, she was going on about another relative"and she didn't do a scrap of housework all the time I was staying with her". From then on, Mum made sure she didn't change her routine at all. Full housework (my mother was houseproud), no more well-to-wall outings and entertainment.

Our parents learned from their parents, when 78 was a good age, and heart ailments were killers. I wonder what new problems our children will have to deal with in our old age?

^doing lots of solo parenting^

She's not a single mother!

If the loss of her husband is very recent and raw do you think as the dust settles and she adjusts things might settle down? Maybe at the moment as she is in the early stages of grief, the thought of returning home is too much.

I think she would be better to stay in her own local area if not home with all her friends, social connections and known GP etc. Do you think with time and support she would come round to the idea of returning home maybe with some support.

I think the plan for her to stay for periods with different children is a bad idea for her and for her children. I think it would be avoidance and a sort of limbo for her.

Is her house suitable for her? Maybe you could ask the GP for an OT assessment to see how she manages cooking, dressing etc. You could identify where her needs were and what support she would need. This assessment might indicate if she needs carers in the home, sheltered housing or a residential home.

I think living between three of her children's houses would be a logistical nightmare with seeing her GP, OT assesments,prescriptions etc. There would be no continuity and things would be made even more difficult.

The idea of her staying with you is a definite no. It sounds like everyone is panicking including mil. Realistically you are in no position to care for your mil you already sound overstretched. And make no mistakes it will fall to you as the woman to do the caring- cooking,showering,hearing aids,GP appts etc etc it will all be piled on you.

I think the situation needs to be addressed calmly and slowly. Let the initial stress and upset of grief settle down, get her needs assessed and a full and frank discussion of where would be best for mil to live should follow. But you being her carer and having her to stay for periods is a bad plan all round.

Best of luck x